CHÉRIE'S DIARY
November 2nd (_All Souls_).--It is strange, but even yet the feeling
comes over me now and again that somebody was murdered on that night.
And, strangest of all, I cannot free myself of the thought that it was
I--I, who was killed, I, who am no more. I cannot describe the feeling.
Doubtless it is folly. It is weakness and shock. It is what the good
English doctor who has been called in to see us all--especially to try
and cure Mireille--calls "psychic trauma." He says Mireille is suffering
from psychic trauma; that means that her soul has been wounded.
Sometimes I feel as if my soul had not only been wounded but that it had
been killed--murdered while I was unconscious. I feel as if it were only
a ghost, a spectre that resembles me and bears my name, but not the real
Chérie, that wanders in this English garden, that speaks and smiles,
kisses and comforts Louise, prays for Claude and for Florian.
Florian! Florian! Where are you? Are you dead, too? Is this sense of
annihilation, of unreality in me but an omen, a warning of your real
death? My brave young lover, blue-eyed and gay, have you gone from
life? If I wander through all the world, if I journey to the ends of the
earth, shall I never meet you again?
Oh God! I wish we were all safely dead, Louise and I and poor little
Mireille; all lying silent and at peace, with closed eyes and quiet
folded hands. I often think how good it would be if we could all three
escape from life, as we escaped from the foe-haunted wood that night; if
we could silently slip away, out of the long days and the dark nights;
out of the hot summers and the dreary winters; out of feverish youth and
desolate old age; out of hunger and thirst, out of exile and
home-sickness, out of the past and out of the future, out of love and
out of hate. Oh! to lie in peace under the waving trees of the little
cemetery in Bomal, all with quiet heart and closed eyes. And by our side
like a marble hero, Florian, Florian as I have known and loved him,
Florian faithful and brave and true.
... But what of Claude? What would he do alone in the world, poor lame
Claude, whose country is ravaged, whose home is devastated, whose wife
fears him, whose child cannot speak to him ... and whose sister, though
she lives, has been murdered in her sleep?
* * * * *
_November 15th._--Doctor Reynolds called today. Louise said she wanted
him. Then when he came she would not see him. She locked herself in her
room, and nobody could persuade her to come down.
So it was I who took Mireille into the drawing-room where Mrs. Whitaker
and the doctor were waiting for us. They were talking rather excitedly
when I knocked at the door--at least Mrs. Whitaker was--but when we
entered she did not say a word.
She looked me up and down and I felt sorry that I had Louise's old black
frock on instead of the new navy suit they had made for me a month ago.
But I cannot fasten it, it is so tight round my throat and waist. That
reminds me that when Mrs. Whitaker said the other day that she wished
Doctor Reynolds to see me, I laughed and told her about my dresses being
so tight, assuring her therefore that there could not be much wrong with
me. She did not laugh, however; on the contrary, she stared at me very
strangely and fixedly, and did not answer.
I don't know what is wrong in the house, but everybody seems silent and
constrained and not so kind as they used to be. Eva has been sent away
to stay with friends in Hastings, and George, who is at Aldershot, comes
home for a day or so every now and then, but hardly ever speaks to us.
He wanders about the roads near the house, or goes into the garden, the
sad rainy garden, flicking the wet grasses and flowerless plants with
his riding-stick. He often glances up at the window where I sit as if he
would like to speak to us; but if I nod and smile at him he looks at me
for an instant and then turns away. I have an idea that his mother
objects to his talking with us much. He wanted Louise or me to read
French with him, but after the first day his mother had a long talk with
him and he did not come to our sitting-room again.
Perhaps they are tired of having us in the house. I am not surprised. We
are doleful creatures, and we all have something the matter with us. I
myself sometimes imagine I am going into consumption; I feel so strange
and faint, I feel so sick when I eat, and I have the most terrible pains
in my chest. Also I am anæmic, I know. But still I don't cough. So
perhaps I am all right.
When we went into the drawing-room today the kindly old doctor felt
Mireille's pulse and spoke to her, but all the time he was looking at
me, and so was Mrs. Whitaker. He asked me several questions and when I
told him what I felt, he coughed and said, "Hm.... Yes. Quite so." At
last he glanced at Mrs. Whitaker, who at once got up and left the room
with Mireille.
The doctor then beckoned to me and took my hand.
"My poor girl," he said, "have you anything to tell me?"
I was frightened. "What do you mean? Am I going to die? Am I very ill?"
He shook his head. "No. Why should you die? People don't die--" he
commenced, and stopped.
"What about Mireille?" I asked, feeling terrified, I knew not why.
"Now we are speaking of you," he said, quite sternly.
Again he stopped as if expecting me to say something. I was bewildered.
Perhaps the old man was a little strange in his head.
He coughed once more and his face flushed. Then he said: "I am an old
man, my dear. I am a father--" He stopped again. "And I know all the
sadness and wickednesses of the world. You may confide in me."
I said: "Thank you very much. I am sure I can."
There was another long silence. He seemed to be waiting. Then he got up
and his face was a little hard. "Well," he said, "perhaps you prefer
speaking to Mrs. Whitaker."
"Oh no!" I exclaimed. "Why--not at all."
Again he waited. Then he took his hat and gloves. "Well--as you like,"
he said abruptly. "I cannot compel you to speak. You must go your own
way. I suppose you have your reasons." And he left the room.
I stood petrified with wonder. What did he mean about my going my own
way? Why did he seem displeased with me? As I opened the door to go back
to my room, I heard him in the hall speaking to Mrs. Whitaker.
"No," he was saying. "I feel sure I am not mistaken. But she would not
approach the subject at all."
What a queer nightmare world we are living in!
* * * * *
_Later._--I am expected to say something, I know not what. Everybody
looks at me with an air of expectation--that is to say, Mrs. Whitaker
does. But strangest thing of all, I sometimes think that Loulou does
too. There are long silences between us, and when I raise my eyes I find
her looking at me with a sort of breathless eagerness, an expression of
anxiety and suspense of which I cannot grasp the meaning.
* * * * *
_Late at night._--Mrs. Whitaker was very strange this evening. She came
into my bedroom without warning, and found me on my knees. I was weeping
and saying my prayers. She suddenly came towards me with an impulsive
gesture of kindness and took me in her arms.
"Poor little girl!" she said, and she kissed me. She added, as if she
were echoing the sentiments of the kind old doctor, "Chérie, I am a
mother--" Then she stopped. "And I am not such a sour, hard person as I
look." The tears stood in her eyes so I took her hand and kissed it. She
sat down on a low chair and drew me to a footstool beside her. "Tell
me," she said. "Tell me everything. I shall understand."
So I told her. I told her how unhappy I was about Louise and Mireille, I
told her about Claude in the hospital. She said, "I know all that. Go
on." Then I told her about Florian, how brave and handsome he was, and
that we were betrothed. Then I wept bitterly and told her I thought that
he was dead.
She raised my face with her hand and looked into my eyes. "Is it he?"
she said.
I did not understand. She repeated her question. "Is it he? Did he--"
she hesitated as if looking for a word--"did he wrong you?"
"Why? How wrong me?" I asked.
She gazed deeply into my eyes and I gazed back as steadfastly at her,
wondering what she meant.
"Did he betray you?"
"Betray me? Never!" I cried. "He could never betray. He is true and
faithful as a saint."
I was hurt that she should have asked such a question. Florian, who has
never looked at or thought of any woman but me! Betray me!
"Well," she said rising to her feet suddenly--her expression of rather
cold dignity again reminded me of the doctor. "If it had been the
outrage of an enemy I know you would have told me. However, let it be
as you wish. I will say only this: where I could have pitied disgrace, I
cannot condone deceit."
* * * * *
And she left me.
Am I dreaming, or are people in this country incomprehensible and
demented?