this, life will indeed be not worth living, because the very things
my heart and mind are set on accomplishing will be impossible, and a
conventional, plodding life devoted to the accumulation of money is
impossible for me. Death is much preferable. Art, philosophy, love of
life in its nakedness, without false convention, must be my keyword,
not for happiness, for that were impossible, but for sufficient
interest to carry me through.
=Havana, Saturday, June 8, 1912.= I am gradually but inevitably coming
to the conclusion that the only way to get along is to throw over all
that I do believe in and pay the price. If I had done this before I
might have been saved much of this petty personal struggle and put
my divine energy into bigger things. I have let false conventions
battle with the natural love of freedom and radicalism of an artistic
nature, frittered away life forces in unholy passions where I might
have put it into the big struggle. Now I will conquer or die, victory
or death. Death even by my own hand is preferable to frittering the
tremendous passion and nervous and mental energy I have away in a life
of conventional ease, despising myself and hating others, and being
hated. Oh! if I had only conserved instead of wasted, but even now at
the eleventh hour it is not too late. Now, to-day, I will go forward to
my fate.
=Havana, Wednesday, June 12, 1912.= In further thought over my decision
of last Saturday, or rather that which has been growing on me for a
long time, I must add that, as I am not any too sure as to what I don’t
believe in, time must be a large factor in the matter.
Then again, due to that tired feeling and nervousness, I have during
the past six months put too much emphasis on the dark side.
I have never for more than the briefest space of time contemplated
self-destruction as I have hinted at several times. The thought has
crossed my mind in my darkest moods, but I am not a coward and to-day
must go a step further and say that I’ll fight to the finish against
all outside difficulties, as well as ill health and natural defects of
temperament and heredity. From now on any departures from a certain
standard until I have changed that standard by thought and experience,
I will consider in their proper light of weaknesses to be overcome.
All of which may be what I have been reiterating over and over again,
but my awakening of to-day is a little broader. I leave the standard
fairly flexible, but strong enough to be a rock in a stormy sea until
the waters are calmer, and then my mind should be clearer so that I can
readjust the various uncertainties to a certain point at least.
Life and a full life rather than mere reason I think will be the
outcome, but reason and philosophy presiding over all as a benignant
judge I trust. Who knows?
=Havana, Saturday, June 15, 1912.= My contract is up to-day, and
for several days earlier in the week I thought of leaving suddenly
and getting away from it all for a rest despite any notice to take
effect on the 29th. I thought it over, however, and from standpoint
of unpreparedness, doubt and honor perhaps--did not--or rather will
not--as boat leaves to-morrow.
In thinking over problem of society it has occurred to me, or the
thought has come to my mind of what little use the benefactions of rich
men are to really help anyone in need in a personal way. I remember how
I used to have such a passion for education--I did so want to know. I
wrote Carnegie, Patten, Pearsons and E. H. R. Green, not begging for
money, but telling of my great desire for an education and putting
it in such a way that I asked the secretary to refer me to any board
which they might have had for helping those desirous of obtaining an
education. My physical weakness precluded the idea of working my way
and studying at the same time. Of course, I received no replies, and I
then realized that the most ambitious or deserving might be on their
last legs and all this charity would count for naught.
The personal aspect of the question has long been forgotten; my ideas
as to the value of a college education in its relation to the larger
education of life have changed; whatever rancor I may have had against
these men has gone; my outlook on life is different; the things that
count now are few, are far between.
If my health permits, the necessity of making a living will cause me
to write for money to a certain extent, but with a bare living income
I think I should write from my heart, because of the great desire,
because I look on it as an art, not a business. However, if my health
continues as it is or gets worse, I will not sacrifice what little
life I have left on the altar of the modern god--money. I shall write
in blood the agony that has been eating into my heart and brain and
give it to the world =if it will take it= for what it is worth. For
myself I expect little, but it may help towards a better understanding
of natures like mine, and in the future may help towards a little more
forbearance, attempt to understand on the part of good people. But
whether or not I =will= write it.
Before doing so, however, I intend to see that I do not, out of
self-pity, fall into the error outlined in the December, 1911 issue of
The International “Upton Sinclair’s Delusion.”
=Havana, Tuesday, June 25, 1912, 7:10 P. M.= It is getting tiresome,
these moral reformations and back-slidings. But even now I can lay
down a preliminary philosophy which I must subscribe to whether I will
or not .... gives a general line of conduct which leads to progress
in a wide sense and taking account of human nature, its strength and
weakness.
Life, of course, comes first. Unless a man is going to deliberately
plan suicide he must live. All account of death from outside sources
must be left out of account because they are outside of his sphere
to influence. By living I mean to touch the depths and the heights,
each one according to the strength of his passions, his temperament.
He should not be an ascetic except under certain conditions, and
asceticism as a deliberate plan of life is absolutely wrong for a
young man--whether for one who is older time will tell.
For instance, if a man is of a strongly passionate sex nature he
should gratify it sufficiently to save him from tremendous nervous
disturbances due to holding himself back. All conventional morality or
standards to the contrary, gratification is not only justifiable, but
not to gratify is a crime against human nature. If a man be of a cool
phlegmatic disposition, a limited asceticism in this as well as other
things may be good rather than otherwise.
The above is limited by conditions and circumstances. Disease, of
course, should be rigidly guarded against. This is a matter that calls
for action by the combined societies of the world. Assuming that the
man of artistic temperament takes these precautions and gratifies his
passions, he must restrain himself as soon as his gratification becomes
a source of weakness rather than of strength.
In other words, as long as gratification of the senses does not weaken
one appreciably that gratification is good and moral and conduces to
life, but when it becomes a weakness and threatens the physical and
mental strength of a man he must restrain himself. =Life= comes first,
but by life I mean life with =Power=. Thus anything that makes for
power and for a full life and healthy gratification of the senses is
good.
This is my first definite outlining of the philosophy I have been
endeavoring to attain. I have come thus far without reading any
philosophy except bare outlines and reviews. Now I shall read and
study life and build from these grounds. My philosophy is rather more
individualistic than socialistic, but, of course, it is open to a
reconciliation between Socialism and Anarchism. Conventional views are
left entirely out of consideration. It rests with the individual how
far he will be guided by precedent and prevailing opinion in a given
situation.
As far as I am personally concerned, I have reached a state where
any sexual gratification is a weakness and a strict asceticism for a
time is a matter of self-preservation. Anything else is a deliberate
throwing down of my philosophy and is a weakness of the worst type, and
I write this after having constantly violated my decision to hold off,
made on my birthday and even before then, and which has just culminated
in this outlining of a general course to follow, holding in view the
two objects, a full life and a healthy one, power and life. Without
power life is death. With means of gratification lacking, one must hold
off from baser forms at least until absolutely necessary, and then only
on the most infrequent occasions.
Keeping these in view, life and power, I have something to anchor to
while I am struggling towards the light, and I submit this in all
seriousness as a good workable philosophy for a man who has not found
himself and has hitherto been groping around blindly in the dark with
very little prospect of light. Starting with this the years must bring
more light, and the conservation of a love of life and at the same time
of power will keep one in a state to take advantage of any new light on
this terrible problem of existence, of how to get through life in the
best way, for in the final analysis that is what all philosophy teaches.
Thus, in the future, gratification may be quite consistent with my
philosophy; in my present weakened state I must hold off if I am
to survive. Otherwise it is a case of deliberate suicide, and the
only thing to do would be to go ahead and gratify until disease and
weakness made it evident that death would be the only relief. Thus I go
ahead for the present.
* * * *
my manifest destiny, that of doing something worth while in the world,
so that the world will be better for my having lived in it.
Since May 10th, my own birthday, although on several occasions down to
the depths, I have strengthened my purpose and the lapses are becoming
less and less, and the increasing disgust after each is cementing
my determination. One only has occurred since Tuesday last, when I
outlined my philosophy, and I
* * * *
.... Thus, the fight has resolved itself into this,--if I can control
myself when tired, nervous and depressed, the victory is won. On all
other occasions I have myself pretty well in hand, and in normal moods,
with good health, the outcome seldom seems doubtful, but I must watch
the abnormal moods.
* * * *
=Havana, Tuesday, July 2, 1912, 12:45 A. M.= I don’t know whether it
was a premonition which caused me to put morning at the head of my
previous entry, because now, the same night, or the next morning very
early I am obliged to repudiate it all. It is no use--my philosophy as
outlined last week would be all right, but for two things, _i. e._, my
absolute lack of opportunity of touching life, and my absolute lack of
strength, physical, mental, or moral to cultivate power. Determinism
is forced on me against my will. As far as possible in my good moods
I suppose I shall follow my first philosophy of Tuesday, June 25,
but, nevertheless, I am fast being forced to a thorough determinism
because I simply cannot control myself. What I might have done had I
not been forced to become a victim of our commercial system (so that
at twenty-two I am exhausted, my enthusiasm and hope almost killed by
deadly routine and no prospect of relief), I do not know, but I think
I would have accomplished much under careful training or even a fair
opportunity to express my individuality. To-night everything seems
hopeless--whether insanity is creeping on me I do not know. I simply
must have sexual intercourse to relieve the strain, and it is the
lack of it which brings on these moods. If for nothing else woman is
a necessity for me to relieve the great strain when routine becomes
so deadly as to tempt me to throw everything to the winds. If I could
come home and have a woman, I am sure that I could be saved much if
not all this--the worst of it at least, but our damnable conventions
keep me from them and keep them from me even though many women are
enduring tortures of unrelieved emotion for lack of what I could give
them. Oh! life is indeed hell--why, or wherefore, I don’t know, and
I am fast reaching the point where I care less. In an evil moment I
consented to stay on here for a few weeks longer for a consideration
of my return fare to New York. This means three more weeks before I can
get away from this damnable place which has been getting on my nerves
more and more so that I never hated anything as I hate this island and
everything and everyone on it.
=Havana, July 3, 1912.= Well, despite my little outburst of early
yesterday morning, I am still in the fight. After every defeat I arise,
chastened, perhaps, but with a growing feeling that I will win.
I must confirm and add to my philosophy as outlined on June 25th. As I
wrote yesterday, Determinism seems to be true as things are at present,
but even accepting this does not make me any the less a fighter, for it
is quite consistent with that philosophy that my determinism is to be
something, and the weak periods are only to strengthen me.
As to the =Life= part of it, that is still a little doubtful. I have
not touched it enough, my experiences have not been broad enough with
the other sex for me to throw over all conventions, for I know from
experience and the experiences of others, that when a woman plays fast
and loose she loses so much that even conventionalism sometimes seems
preferable to a loosening of the bonds. My idea was to idealize the
relations, have all children legitimate. While I think my part would
be done all right, I doubt other men and women. Besides, I have always
had an unconscious and sometimes conscious feeling of superiority to
women--this has been so indefinite, however, that I do not lay too much
stress on it at present.
I must reiterate =Power= as the keynote. Every weak yielding ....
impossibility to me at least of what I will call “The Impulsive
Philosophy,” _i. e._, philosophy of being guided by emotion and
sentiment, to the exclusion of reason. Reason must coordinate, if not
dominate, and at least impulse must not dominate. This is my second
outline, but I am going to disregard the foolish system of dates,--time
is to attain anything. I realize the folly of saying at a certain date
I will stop this or that I will reform in this or that. All I can do is
to attempt to live up to a certain standard as fast as I have decided
it to be best and to endeavor to drop off everything that pulls me down
as soon as possible.
=Havana, July 20, 1912.= Last day in Havana. At last my counting of
each day as bringing nearer to my goal is about to end. Whether my
return .... is productive of results commensurate with my expectations
or not, my relief at the suspension of the agony of the struggle down
here is so deep and heartfelt that I could shout for joy.
I at least have several good weeks behind me, and every day in which I
make the slightest progress in any direction whatever is bound to react
favorably.
For the present I reiterate my outline of philosophy of June 25th and
July 3d. I intend to .... control pending a readjustment. At any rate
for a year intend to have nothing to do with fast women--I do not say
anything about intercourse without monetary consideration, but am
unlikely to have much chance as I will not be looking for it.
Until I am settled in ---- relaxation will be the rule. With the least
worry and the line of least resistence for a month or so I should be in
a much better frame of mind to accomplish anything than by keeping up
this constant nervous strain. Hope and confidence mark the last day,
and I count the year as a leaf in my book of experience and looking
back, do not regret my year in the tropics.
=--, August 1, 1912.=
* * * *
has a cottage for the summer.
The month of July was the best one for sometime. I have at last
realized the futility of expecting to make great changes in my habits
of life in a day and, therefore, attach less importance to a certain
date for this or that as I have done previously. Suffice [it that]
after a month I can look back and notice a slight improvement, more
self-control and a stronger determination. This I find is the case
now and with the prospect of a month of healthy activity and absence
of nervous and morbid thoughts the present month should be one of the
best of the year, and if a quiet determination without the passion of
heretofore will help me, this seems assured. System will be the keynote
as far as it does not interfere with the rights of others, for here
I cannot be too selfish in my attempt to reach a certain standard,
and besides I have no intention of becoming a slave to system, as I
heartily dislike red tape. But I can start preparing myself for the
big fight when I return home next month by making each day count.
=--, August 12, 1912.= Since the first I have been through an [intense]
struggle, the worst yet. Being greatly disappointed at the unfriendly
attitude of the family to my ideas, disgusted and tired, day by day
I became more worried. Heated argument resulted in open charges of
immorality on their part, that is, they considered my views immoral.
Last night was the culmination of all this--for the first time I
actually threw over all my plans and ambition and contemplated suicide.
Many times the thought had crossed my mind before, but it was always as
a possibility in the dim future, but yesterday the thought materialized.
I carried on a terrific mental struggle in bed and the will to live
triumphed. I will fight on, but I will be more and more egotistical.
I realize the vast gulf between me and the rest of my family. It is
insurmountable, and my last hope now centers on my return to .... My
mother is pliable and I may be able to sufficiently dominate my brother
and my sister to fight it out there without too much interruption,
which is the bone of my present situation.
=--, Friday, August 23, 1912.= Gradually throwing off that almost
inborn habit we have of acting as a pose for others, I must sometimes
act in a way which must appear immoral when such is far from the
actual truth. In the endeavor, weak it is true as yet, to rise above
good and evil, the only criterion is sometimes whether such and such an
act makes for weakness. If it does it transgresses against nature, and
I make the definition that anything which does not go against nature
is neither good nor evil. From this point of view, moral issues do not
enter into the question to the same extent. I am going to put into
writing the distinction I make between conceit and egoism. Conceit is
exemplified by the young man who, shallow of heart and brain, dresses
in fancy clothes and parades around so that the girls can admire him.
This is one instance I take to contrast it with.... With the desire to
express myself, to be an artist, to live the fullest life possible, or
whatever my precise object may be, it is absolutely necessary to be
damn independent.
I have found the family very impatient, and out of accord with my views
and rejecting their ideals of a man--very conventional--I must of
necessity make a break, because the petty bickering engendered is bound
to dissipate my energy without anything being accomplished. Having
attained more positive views later, I may see fit to resume the old
status, being safeguarded by grim determination and absolute sincerity
as far as possible, believing as I do, that truth is only relative.
The conflict is not only between reason and passion, but also between
naturalism, and if I may put it, unnaturalism. That is, I want to act
natural according to my nature rather than to set up an ideal opposed
to my nature and endeavor to live up to it. The only trouble is that I
have various moods, and at the time I really believe that each one is
the right one. However, by gradually dropping unnatural habits caused
by trying to conform, I hope to reach an impregnable position insofar
that I am willing to lose everything for freedom to live my own life,
believing that this seeming selfishness makes for the best for myself,
family and all others, because even though wrong in many things, if my
nature is wrong, it is better to be wrong and be myself than to be what
I honestly believe to be wrong and please others.
=--, Sunday, September 1, 1912.= Beginning a new month, although full
of hope as usual at the beginning of anything, I also feel rather
humble after my previous egoism. Thus I go from mood to mood, but the
turning point is at hand. I cannot be tossed around like a bark without
rudder or sail much longer and with my tendency to extremes, feeling
that I have much power for good or evil in this world, one course I
must enter on with the greatest determination.
Having willed to live at the moment of despair, I must needs live
with sincerity and without conforming; a little more forbearance will
do me good, and certainly the events of the past few weeks have been
a sore trial. I have undoubtedly made a fool of myself, but still
acknowledging my ideal, feel determined as ever, if chastened.
I candidly must say or write that .... questions are still open, but I
intend to get right down to action towards a literary career, meanwhile
gradually attaining the thing which I have been struggling for--not
peace of mind exactly, but the feeling that I am doing my best in a
sincere manner under the circumstances, namely, that I must go through
life with health impaired to a greater or less extent; that I am
inclined to extremes, pessimistic or very cheerful, even childish, by
turns; that life appeals to me when I think as terribly inevitable that
I have a tendency to degeneracy at times (which I feel I can overcome
to a certain extent by heroic measures); that the happiness of a home
and children of my own may be denied me. With these prospects before
me, my fighting blood is up and I simply have got to go on and up or
disintegrate altogether--there is no halfway measure for me, and I
would have it so. I write with absolute sincerity now.
=--, October 2, 1912.= Another month rolls on,--despite my having
writen that I do not count by dates now, I find it convenient to note
whether or not I have made any progress in this way.
I have. The same old struggle between passion and intellect was
continued, at one time intellectual and philosophical calmness
animating me and then low passion, but the net is surely but slowly
(faster now) closing.
I came home, loafed around the house, read, dreamed, did nothing. Then
in a burst of energy purchased a typewriter, an unabridged dictionary,
supplies, taking some $70 from my scanty savings. Later I repented of
this, why all this preliminary to a conventional, routine existence?
Why not go away, gamble, attempt to gain all by a single throw? Why
struggle to no end? But deep down something always says, “Go on, you
have it in you.”
Well, I recovered myself again, calling on Nietzsche as my guide, not
that I had read his works, but I had read about him and his philosophy
of the Superman--will to live because it is painful, and I will take a
fierce joy in life. It is hard to drop those passionate dreams born of
romance, but I know that happiness is not for me, not the happiness of
convention or even sex unconventionally, but perhaps a certain amount
of intellectual satisfaction and the thrill that comes from reading
the master minds which respond in me, the thrill as I feel willing to
make any sacrifice for my ideals, reaffirmed by a perusal of several
of Ibsen’s plays within the last few days, Schopenhauer’s “Studies in
Pessimism,” and a part re-perusal of Haldane Macfall’s book about Ibsen.
As I read Schopenhauer to-day I realized suddenly that there are more
than one variety of Dolls’ Houses, and it is indeed one that those who
go on living in their dreams away from life live in, hoping some day to
have happiness or pleasure from the realization of their dreams.
No, too long have I postponed facing the situation. No longer must I
dream. I must act. I cannot fail; worldly honor is not success. If I be
true to myself I succeed, the world notwithstanding.