["A scheme for making a waterway between Switerland and the
Adriatic is to be submitted to the Federal Government at no
very distant date."--_Westminster Gazette._]
_British Minister, Bern, to Lord Rosebery, London._--A MR. JONES, who
says he's a British subject, went up Pilatus to get view. Didn't
get it. Also complains of overcharge for candles at his hotel. Have
demanded immediate satisfaction from Swiss Government. Please send
Mediterranean Squadron to Locarno.
_Lord Rosebery, London, to British Minister, Bern._--Can't spare
the Squadron. Won't a gunboat do? You may speak strongly to Swiss
Government. Tell them insult to JONES is insult to England. Meanwhile,
wire best route for fleet to get up to Bern, if necessary. Don't see
it on map.
_Brit. Min., B., to Lord R._--Owing to Mediterranean Squadron
not having appeared at Locarno, Swiss Government very aggressive.
Passenger steamers on Lakes of Geneva, Thun, and Lucerne being
converted into a fleet. Special new _corps d'armee_ formed from
Chamounix guides and patriotic hotel waiters. Man (whose name was
ROBINSON) mistaken for JONES, and mobbed in streets last night. Some
kind of Naval Demonstration absolutely necessary. Put ships on rail at
Locarno, send 'em through Gothard Tunnel, and there you are!
_Lord R. to Brit. Min., B._--British Government recognises gravity of
the JONES incident. What do you advise? Aren't the Alps in the way?
_Brit. Min., B., to Lord R._--Didn't like to suggest details. Send
ironclads. Ram something. Why not bombard Alps. Gunboat moored at
Devil's Bridge might shell Andermatt. Leave it to you.
_Lord R. to Brit. Min., B._--Sorry to say, European complications have
now arisen from JONES incident. Swiss Government has offered its fleet
to Russia and France. Triple Alliance tottering. Can't you get Swiss
Government to apologise to JONES, and end business?
_Brit. Min. to Lord R._--Business _is_ ended. JONES not a British
subject after all, but a Swede, who's travelled in America! Recall
gunboat.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF CULTURE DOWNWARDS.
"ULLO, MARY, WHAT'S THIS? NAME OF THE 'OUSE?" "NO, MR. IGNORANCE; IT'S
A LATIN WORD, AND MEANS 'PLEASE TO WIPE YOUR FEET!'"]
* * * * *
"RESH'PROSH'TY."
["What struck the TZAR ... in the recent festivities, was
the feeling of fraternity which seemed to pervade the
multitude.... The feeling of concord and fraternity appears
to survive the last echoes of the festivities.... The word
now most frequently heard is 'Amnesty.' This, indeed, is the
fittest coping-stone to prolonged festivities characterised by
universal concord."--_Times' Paris Correspondent._]
_President._ "Prolonged feshtivitish!" Thash good, that ish!
_Very_ prolonged, ole f'ler, an' _awf'ly_ feshtive!
_Tzar._ Yeah, tha' what shtruck _me!_ (_Aside._) But I really wish
He wouldn't gush. ROMANOFF pride turns reshtive!
_President._ _Sho_ glad it shtruck you sho! An' nurrer thing
You _mush_ ha' notish'd. Feeling of fraternity
All over shop! I shay, may friendship's wing
Ne'er moult a feather, not to all eternity.
_Tzar._ I echosh tha' fine Shwiveller shentiment
Entirely! (_Aside._) I must not appear too sober.
_President._ Now Fransh ish shatishfied--an' world content!
Republic won't forget thish last October!
Feelingsh of concord, cetra, _will_ survive
Last echosh of feshtivitish--for ever!
_Tzar._ Oh, coursh! Asshure you I am quite alive
To reshiproshity--shan't forget it--never!
_President._ Thash ri' ole f'ler! _Our_ resh--hic!--proshity--
Not like the comic Yankee's, all one shide?
_Tzar._ Certainly not! Shorry to say good-bye!
But though our bodiesh part, our soulsh are tied.
_President._ Precishly! We're _both_ tight--mean tied--in knotsh.
The champagne, an' the speeches, an' the kisshes
Have bound our bosomsh, and combined our lotsh!
_Tzar._ Quite sho! (_Aside._) I'll watch a chance to hint my wishes.
_President._ We've had a jolly time, and now, ole f'ler,
Ash "coping-shtone" to all this talk and toddy,
As shequel to thish patr'otic stir,
I'm going to amneshty--yesh, _everybody!_
Wha' shay, dear ROMANOFF, will you do same?
Jush show, y' know, that thersh no animoshity!
_Tzar_ (_aside_). Oh, _that_ is the Republic's little game?
Russia can't stand _that_ form of reciprocity!
(_Aloud._) All ri', ole f'ler, you jush leave that to _Me!_
Mosh noble notion, that shame "coping-shtone!"
By way, ole f'ler, talking of amneshty--
_Could you just 'blige me with a trifling Loan?_
* * * * *