["It is reasonable to assume that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will at
once perceive how his position has been altered by becoming
the head of a party including many shades of opinion, instead
of being, as he has been, the spokesman of a small set of
politicians, earnest, no doubt, and active, but not quite
in sympathy with all those who shared their fortunes."--_The
Times_.
"The arrangements consequent on Lord HARTINGTON's succession
to the Peerage have very much narrowed the freedom
previously enjoyed by the Member for West Birmingham, and,
in a corresponding degree, enlarged the sphere of his
responsibilities.... The Statesman who has to act as guide and
moderator at St. Stephen's will be careful, no doubt, not
to compromise his authority by any indiscreet or extravagant
insistance on remote and contentious issues."--_The
Standard_.]
SCENE--_St. Stephen's School. Present, Doctor T.,
Principal, Mrs. S., Matron, and Master JOE, Pupil, lately
promoted to Monitorship in the Lower School._
_Doctor T._ Ahem! And so, JOSEPH, we have to congratulate you upon
your--a--a--promotion!
_Master Joe_ (_coolly_). You are very good, Sir, I'm sure.
[_Whistles._
_Doctor T._ Not at all, JOSEPH, not at all. That is to say--ahem!--you
doubtless deserve it.
_Mrs. S._ Doubtless deserve it, JOSEPH! I always _said_ you would
turn out a better boy than, at one time I--that is to say,
_many_--expected. It is a great consolation to me, JOSEPH, after all
the care--
_Master Joe_ (_aside_). And the numerous jobations!
_Mrs. S._ That I--that we have bestowed upon you, to find--ahem!--our
best hopes so amply fulfilled.
_Dr. T._ _Fulfilled_, JOSEPH; whether amply or not it remains for you
to prove.
_Master Joe_ (_carelessly_). All right, Sir, _I_'ll prove it fast
enough.
_Dr. T._ I trust so, JOSEPH, I trust so, though "fast enough"
is _hardly_ the phrase _I_ should have adopted,
or--ahem!--recommended,--in the circumstances!
"Is there a word wants nobleness and grace,
Devoid of weight, nor worthy of high place?"
You know what our excellent HORACE bids you do in such a case.
_Master Joe_ (_aside_). Bothersome old _Blimber_!
_Mrs. S._ Yes, JOSEPH, slanginess, carelessness and extravagance of
speech will not befit your present position, you know.
_Master Joe_. (_aside_). Prosy old _Pipchin_!
_Dr. T._ You could not, JOSEPH, put before you a better model than the
boy whose post you assume, in consequence of his going to the
Upper School; young HARTY, I mean, a boy who was ever a pattern of
propriety, and one absolutely to be depended upon to maintain the
prestige of the school, and--ahem!--the authority of the Masters, in
every contingency.
_Mrs. S._ In _every_ contingency, JOSEPH. How unlike that talented,
but untrustworthy, senior of his, and of yours, WILL GLADSTONE; a
lad whose leadership you once acknowledged, but whose pernicious
influence, I am happy to find, you have lately quite cast off.
_Master Joe_ (_knowingly_). Rather! Where there's a WILL there's a
way; and WILL thought it must always be _his_ way. But "not for JOE!"
_Dr. T._ Again, JOSEPH, is not that--ahem!--quotation from the popular
minstrelsy of our time a _leetle_ reminiscent of ruder, and more
Radical days?
_Master Joe_. Perhaps so, Sir, perhaps so. Let me then say that
"_Ego primam tollo, nominor quoniam Leo_" is a very pretty maxim for
lions--and jackals. The former _rôle_ I may not yet have risen to, but
I'm hanged if I'll stoop to the latter.
_Dr. T._ Quite so, quite so! At any rate, not in such a questionable
_Leonina Societas_. Remember, also, JOSEPH, what an awful example you
have in young GRANDOLPH, with whom, at one time, you seemed a little
intimate. You have only to reflect upon _his fiasco_, "to have the
counsels of prudence borne in imperatively upon your mind, and the
lesson will not be the less impressively taught if it is remembered
that GRANDOLPH will be on the spot to take note of and profit by any
mistakes that may be committed by his more deserving and successful
rival."
_Master Joe_ (_aside_). Lessons all round, eh? Seems to me all this
grandmotherly advice is wondrous like a "wigging" in disguise. Perhaps
they'll find I'm better at teaching than learning.
_Mrs. S._ _Cavendo tutus_, JOSEPH, safe by caution. The motto of your
predecessor. You cannot do better than take it as your own.
_Master Joe_ (_innocently_). Think not, Ma'am? I fancy every man ought
to have his _own_ motto. Now _I_ was thinking of _Cede nullis_!
[Illustration: THE NEW MONITOR.
DR. TIMES. "YOU'RE A CLEVER BOY, JOE, AND WE CONGRATULATE YOU; BUT
NOW YOU'RE IN A POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY,--AHEM!--YOU
MUST--AHEM!--BEHAVE YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY!"]
_Doctor T._ Tut--tut--tut, JOSEPH! Inappropriate,--in your _present_
position. You will have to yield to _many_,--to those in authority
over you, in fact. "Leaders! (and Monitors) have to subordinate their
personal tastes, and even their individual convictions, to an enlarged
conception of the general advantage."
_Mrs. S._ Yes, JOE, don't, whatever you do, compromise your authority
by any indiscreet or extravagant insistance--
_Master Joe_ (_quickly, though with becoming gravity_). Quite so,
Ma'am! _Very_ true, Sir! My "conceptions," I may say, have "enlarged"
considerably of late, since I have found (as Mrs. S. well says) "how
much of my antipathy" (to the powers that be) "was sheer prejudice."
And, as to "the general advantage," I am sanguine that I shall find it
consonant--if not identical--with my own.
_Doctor T._ (_dubiously_). Humph! Suppose you say _yours_ with _it_,
JOSEPH?
_Master Joe_ (_airily_). As you please, Sir. Things which are equal to
the same thing are equal to one another, you know.
_Mrs. S._ (_aside_). Smart boy, very! I fancy I should have more
confidence in him if he were a little _less_ so.
_Doctor T._ (_gravely_). You see, JOSEPH, there are some things in
your earlier school career which your well-wishers would fain--forget.
You were rather what is called, I think, "a young Radical" once, not
to say "a bit of a pickle." You seemed not altogether out of sympathy
with such revolutionary proceedings as "revolts" and "barring-outs,"
and even talked once, if I remember rightly, of putting the Principals
"to ransom"--doctrines better worthy of a Calabrian brigand than of a
public school-boy. But let bygones _be_ bygones. Now that you are in
a position of responsibility and--respectability, you will, of course,
abandon all such revolutionary rubbish, and think not of yourself, but
others; consider less the wild wishes of your inferiors than the wise
commands of your betters.
_Master Joe_ (_solemnly_). Oh, of _course_, Sir! And now, if you, _Dr.
Poloni_--ahem!--Dr. T., and _Mrs. Pip_--I mean Mrs. S., have _quite_
finished your wig--I should say wise counsellings, I think I'll--go
out and play! [_Does so._
* * * * *
DYNAMITICAL ARGUMENTS.--The Apostles of "the Gospel of Dynamite"
would, if they could, speedily convert a whole town--into a ruin.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A STARTLING PROPOSITION.
_Seedy Individual_ (_suddenly and with startling vigour_)--"AOH? FLOY
WITH ME ERCROSS THER SEA, ERCROSS THER DORK LERGOON!!"]
* * * * *