"Mother."
"Yes, Victor."
"I want to see a photograph of my father."
Her face grew very cold and stern. Without a word she got up and walked
slowly into the house; I followed. In her boudoir she handed me a
miniature--I did not look to see where she took it from--and so, for the
first time that I had remembrance of, I saw my father's face. I don't
know what I thought of the face, but the eyes were kind eyes. I stared
long and fixedly at the miniature; various feelings surged through me,
far too subtle to describe.
At last I handed it back.
"Thank you, mother," I said.
"Is that all you wished, are you satisfied now?"
"No, I can't say that I am satisfied, because there are so many things I
wish to know; is there any reason why I should not be told about him?"
"There is, Victor."
"But it is nothing wrong, is it?"
"Wrong? My God! yes! it is wrong, but it does not take from your
father's name. Listen to me, Victor; you are growing into a man, when
the time comes, you shall be told many things, until then wait
patiently, my boy, I promise that you shall know everything."
*CHAPTER II*
I now knew that there was something mysterious about my parentage--the
interview with my mother had at least settled that point--but all the
certainty in the world could not prevent my mind continually turning to
it, and this had rather a curious effect upon me: it made me quite
humble-minded. I do not mean to imply that my normal state was
bumptious beyond the ordinary, but it had a chastening effect upon my
mind. I disliked the thought of the unknown. I desired to have a
father whom I could speak of without any kind of doubt. As it was, I
found it necessary, upon several occasions, to slur over any allusions
to him, and schoolboys are not always tactful in their dealings with
reticence. However, the fact that he had been a soldier generally
proved sufficient to satisfy the curiosity of the inquirer.
Another thing which annoyed, or rather chafed me was the length of time
that must necessarily elapse before I could know, for I had no doubt
that it would not be until I came of age.
My disturbed state of mind did not prevent me enjoying my life
immensely; and at eighteen I found myself in a very enviable position in
the school, and one which I believe was a record in its way, for I was
captain of the school, and also captain of the cricket eleven. I may
say that the latter was by far the more important post in my eyes, and
certainly much the nicer.
I take no credit for being the best boxer and fencer in the school, for
I had done both since very early childhood, and had had most excellent
instructors.
It was a great shock to me to learn that I was to leave school, it
seemed to be the most complete upheaval I had ever experienced. I hated
the idea, it caused me an infinite amount of real trouble to get myself
into the proper frame of mind to behave decently about it. Yet, had I
thought, I might have recalled numerous hints that I had received from
my people, and which would have prepared me better; presumably I had
been so engrossed in my own little affairs that I had not paid too much
attention.
I shall never forget the last day of that term, I felt as though I was
going to execution, and absolutely beastly; had I been a girl I should
have cried my eyes out. With the eyes of my world upon me, however, I
had to make a brave show, and say good-bye to every one and everything;
and lastly I had to have an interview with the head-master. I had,
naturally, had much to do with him as captain of the school, and we were
very good friends.
He was a short, thickset man with a great white beard, who bore a
tremendous reputation for severity among the boys; but those among them
who got to know him found a warm-hearted, kindly, genial man. After
speaking with me for some time he said good-bye, adding a few words
which I shall never forget.
"My boy," he said, "I have this to say to you: no matter where you are,
or what befalls you, remember that over us all, king or peasant, there
is God. Turn to Him in your troubles, thank Him for your joys. That you
will do your duty through life, I feel assured, however hard it may be,
however irksome. The love you have inspired in your comrades will, I
hope, be inspired by you in the world; I, and others, will pray for you
in the future. May God keep you in his sight."
I could not help wondering, as I left his study, why such emphasis had
been laid upon my future. What did it portend, did the head-master know
anything of which I was ignorant perhaps, for since my interview with my
mother two years before, I had made no further inquiries.
When I was home again, I found that they were beginning to treat me as a
man; and for three months or more I spent my time in sport. By which I
do not mean killing things, that was a pursuit I never really cared for.
Towards the end of this time Carruthers paid me a visit from Sandhurst,
into which he had passed a year or so before I left school; after his
visit I began to wonder what I should do with my life. His stories of
the great military college had fired me with a desire for the army.
It was after dinner some three nights following his departure that I
broached the subject of my future.
"I wish to know what vocation you think I am suited for?"
I spoke collectively. My mother gave a little start, looked quickly at
my stepfather, gave a little sigh, and remained silent.
My stepfather smiled a trifle grimly, he too did not speak. Mr.
Neville, however, answered me.
"What do you yourself feel inclined for?" he asked.
"I hardly know. You see, I have never thought much about it until
lately; but it seems to me, that now I have left school, I ought to do
something to be independent."
"There is no need of that, Victor," said my stepfather. "Would you not
be content to stay here, and wait for a little?"
"If I did, it would prevent my going to Sandhurst."
"Aha! that was in your mind then. I rather suspected it. Rupert's
reports, eh?"
"Yes," I said. "It seems a nice life, and I might do well as a soldier;
what do you think?"
My mother leaned forward.
"Victor, do not set your heart upon it, I think that it will be
impossible."
"Oh, am I also to know the reason for that, some day?"
"Yes," she answered, "that goes with the rest."
"Well, I shall be very pleased when that day comes."
"Ah!" said Mr. Neville. "I wonder."
We sat silent for a while, and then I said again:
"What am I to do? You know, I am completely in the dark about
everything. I have been supplied with money, it is true, but is it
mine, or is it yours, mother? These things ought, I think, to be
explained to me. Shall I have some day to work for a living, or do I
inherit anything when I come of age, because I feel that, in the latter
case, I can take a course that will be totally different to what it
would be supposing I had to earn bread and cheese."
My stepfather had risen and was walking up and down the room.
"I quite see your point, my boy," he said, "and I think that you are of
an age to understand me, when I say that you will never want in the
future: you will inherit a certain sum on coming of age, which will be
enough to keep you handsomely in any ordinary way. When I die, you will
have everything of mine, and I trust you will then be in a position to
make good use of it. That, I hope, is sufficient to say about financial
matters; about your career, it is more difficult. If I were you, this
is what I should do: I should ask Mr. Neville to come with me and should
then take a continental tour. See everything, meet everybody, acquire a
knowledge of mankind, virtues, and vices. Spend money when you think
good may come of it; read and digest history as you go, also national
law, and natural law; gain as much knowledge as you can of affairs
military; study arms and armaments, from cutlasses to cannon. Your
cadet corps has given you a capital foundation to work on. Then in two
years return to us. That is my advice, and I know your mother will
agree."
"Yes," said my mother a trifle sadly, "I agree."
"But could you not give me some idea, so that I may study for my future
as well as all those things you mention?"
"I believe that if you study those things, Victor, they will be of
immense importance to you in what I hope will be your career. You may
trust your mother and myself to give you the best advice we can."
"Of course I do," I said, "but it is puzzling, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is, but this you may count on: you shall know everything you
wish when you come of age," said my mother.
"Thank you, mother." I turned to my old tutor. "Mr. Neville, will you
come with me?"
"I will," he said. "It will be a pleasure for me to renew my
acquaintanceship with the continent."
"Then let us go; and, for my part, the sooner the better, for the time
will pass more quickly."
"Don't forget the old advice to 'hasten slowly,'" my stepfather
remarked.
"To-morrow," said my mother, rising, "we will plan out your tour."
I went to bed that night with fresh fields of thought open to me. I was
now to see all those places of which I had read and heard; I was to
study everything. The thought flashed through my brain, that from this
advice I ought to be able to glean something of my parents' views for my
future, which I immediately tried to do, but without any satisfactory
result. I wondered whether they wished me to enter the diplomatic
service; but, if that were so, why be mysterious about it? It was a
perfectly feasible career to anyone like myself. I was pleased with
this idea, and indulged in a little fanciful dreaming, seeing myself as
an ambassador, carrying through some skilful piece of diplomacy with
great success. I believe that this was still in my mind when I fell
asleep.
The next week passed in a whirl of preparations. It was decided that we
should go first to Paris, and then roam wherever we willed, to St.
Petersburg or Rome, to Egypt or Iceland.
For the first time that I can remember, my stepfather spoke to me of
money.
"Victor," he said, "it is necessary that you should acquire a knowledge
of the value of money; I don't mean of pennies being saved to make
pounds, but I wish you to get used to the handling of large sums, to
appreciate what such sums can buy. It is an extremely difficult thing
to discover the best method of learning this; I believe there is no
certain way, it depends so much on the individual. I don't fancy that
you have ever been in debt or money difficulties, have you?"
"Never, you gave me such a ripping allowance, I never spent it all."
"Didn't you? All the better, it proves that you are not thoughtlessly
extravagant; but I don't wish you to be too careful either. I want you
to be so used to handling and spending money that, if, in the future,
the occasion arises where it is wise to spend a big sum, you will do it
without hesitation; for delay often spells ruin. Now don't forget, I
want you to spend money, as much as you like, ten, thirty, fifty
thousand pounds, if you wish; and, my boy, I will confide in you this
much, if you spent twice that sum, I shouldn't feel it."
"You must be jolly rich then," I said, although I only vaguely realised
the position.
My stepfather smiled.
"I am, but I don't wish people to know it."
I have often wondered what other young men of my age would have felt
under similar conditions.
To be invited to spend as much money as they liked, to have it made a
point almost of favour that they should do so.
I suppose their thoughts would have run wild on all kinds of imaginary
delights, and pastimes; as for me, I hardly felt even a passing thrill
at the prospect. I had always been lavishly supplied with money, and
strangely enough had no expensive tastes or habits; I needed very little
to make me happy. As it was, I gave my word to spend whenever I could.
But I could not help laughing as I did so, it seemed so funny.
"Possibly I may have this explained when I come of age," I remarked.
My stepfather laughed.
"Yes, I think so, Victor."
* * * * *
I do not intend to give an account of our tour, the places we went to
can be read of in Baedeker, or other guide books, that is, for the most
part. We did go to some small places out of the regular beat, but
nothing extraordinary happened.
We visited France, Germany, Italy, Russia, during the first two years,
generally making Paris our head-quarters.
I followed strictly my stepfather's advice, studying everything and
everybody. In those two years I must have shed at least seven skins of
ignorance, and acquired seven others of knowledge, and, with the
knowledge, understanding.
Naturally, Mr. Neville being with me aided me enormously; without him, I
should no doubt have profited far less. He it was to whom I turned
continually for guidance and explanation. When I say guidance, I mean
mentally, as in all decisions of a physical nature I was made to decide
myself.
In each country, as we visited it, he pointed out in his lucid way the
chief points of government, and many were the discussions we had over
the selection of the finest.
At first, I remember, I was inclined to favour theories, but before his
searching dissection they very soon crumbled away.
We had many letters of introduction to notable people, wherever we went;
and these enabled us to obtain a grasp of the real life of all classes,
for we invariably found some one who could and did act as guide.
Sometimes we would go for a walking tour lasting a month or six weeks,
sometimes we would motor through a great tract of country, barely
stopping a day in any one place.
We met many people, young and old, men and women, and as my mind
expanded I seemed to read their characters, recognising their virtues
and their vices, carefully stowing the results of my investigations away
in the recesses of my brain. I was repeatedly told that I was handsome,
sometimes subtly, more often quite openly. This was news that failed to
interest me.
Women with languorous glances, or carefully dropped eyelids, had little
fascination for me; and so I passed through, unscathed, what would have
been irresistible temptations to many.
Perhaps I was cold by temperament, or perhaps my upbringing had taught
me to avoid such pleasures, or, again, perhaps I was simply waiting for
love to come to me.
Now although, as I say, I evaded these things, I take no credit to
myself; they were not for me, that was all.
I did not quite understand myself then, and I find it hard even now to
say what prompted me to keep sexually clean. I in no way avoided
opportunities, as in my desire for knowledge I would often with some
acquaintance or friend visit the haunts of the _demi-monde_ and
underworld; I do not say it was necessary to seek such opportunities.
The society we naturally consorted with differed strangely little in
essentials.
I have seen a man, head of a noble family, deliberately cheat at cards;
and I have experienced the disagreeable duty of refusing the amorous
advances of more than one _grande dame_.
I, personally, find much blame for the man, and very little condemnation
for the woman, for the craving of sex must be the most difficult of all
to fight, and conquer.
As I have said, we studied four great nations in two years,
superficially, of course; but the knowledge we gained was good. One
subject in particular I had given my whole attention to, whenever
possible: war, chiefly in the way of preparation for attack or defence.
It was extremely interesting to me to discuss with Mr. Neville, or with
a soldier if possible, the defences of any place.
Of course, as outsiders, we were never allowed to inspect any of the
fortified places of Europe, but we would discuss them nevertheless, and
I was always trying to find the best plan of defence for these places.
The military portion of the friends we made seemed much amused with me;
I don't know why, unless it was my eagerness. All the same they entered
into the fun of "drawing a civilian," and bantered me unmercifully,
which I know was excellent for me.
I remember once, when motoring through France, entering into a heated
discussion with a celebrated French General; I refuse to allow for one
moment that I wanted to lay down the law, although Mr. Neville did
suggest it afterwards. This General, no doubt immensely amused by me,
pulled out a map of the district through which we were travelling.
"Now," he said, "supposing you had a force of so many men, with so many
guns, here," he jabbed with his finger, "and the enemy were here and
here, with so many men and guns, what would you do?"
This was a game I had often played, and I looked eagerly at the
map--there and there the enemy; my forces here. It was impossible to do
anything except surrender. I looked again.
"Where were my forces before they arrived in that position, in which
direction were they travelling, and with what object?"
"Well, suppose they were moving from A to try to get to B here."
Again I studied the map, the position was plain to read; had my
reconnaissance been carried out properly--and I should not have advanced
without--I could never have been in that position, rather should I have
branched off here, and so opened up a splendid line for either advance
or retreat. I looked up at the General, he was just winking at another
officer who was with us; that settled it, just that wink, I knew then
that he was "drawing me again." I smiled grimly.
"General, if ever you allowed your forces to get into such a position
you ought to be shot."
For a moment he looked at me, and then burst out laughing.
"_Mon Dieu!_ but he is right, this young civilian, but name of a little
dog! how did he know? I ought to be shot, I ought to be shot. Ha Ha
Ha!" he roared with laughter.
I was appallingly conceited inside, but made little of it outwardly.
The General, however, repeated the story so often, that I lost my
conceit, and was rather sorry I had been so clever.
Whether it was my enthusiasm, my youth, or the novelty of everything, I
don't know, but I enjoyed every minute of my time. Physically I had
never been so fit; I took an enormous amount of exercise, walking,
riding, boxing with Mr. Neville and others, though chiefly with my
companion, who although not my equal in science, and a middle-aged man,
yet gave me a lot to do. In each capital, I always went to the greatest
masters and studied with the rapier and sabre; I also kept up my
shooting.
I think I stopped growing in height about then--just an inch under six
feet--but I still continued to expand in width. Illness had mercifully
passed me by.
We had been in Paris about three weeks, and were beginning to think of
moving on again, somewhere, I for one did not care where, because every
place was splendid; I was not the least tired of travel, neither bored
nor blase. It was Mr. Neville who suggested Rudarlia.
We had spent the day at Versailles, a place which I never felt tired of
seeing or talking about, and that evening we were idling over our
dinner, when my companion said:
"And where to next, Victor?"
"I don't know," I answered with a little start, for he had read my
thoughts exactly. "Where do you suggest?"
"There is Rudarlia."
I had thought of this many times, but had always deferred suggesting it.
I imagined that it would be perhaps better to leave this visit until
after I came of age and received the long-promised information
concerning many things; also I wished to view my own country, for the
first time, with a practised eye and balanced judgment. I knew from
reading and conversation that Rudarlia was not in a flourishing
condition, and I did not want to be badly prejudiced by immature
impressions. Now, however, Mr. Neville had suggested the visit, which
made a great difference.
"That requires thought," I said.
"Naturally; I only proposed it in order to discuss it with you."
"Well, what do you think, knowing how I feel on the subject, would you
say my mind was formed enough?"
He looked at me affectionately.
"My boy, the last part of your question I can answer at once in the
affirmative. You know, I never pay you compliments, so you can believe
me when I say that, in my opinion, your views on most subjects are worth
listening to, and your grasp of life is astonishing to me. As to your
wishing to defer your visit, the same idea had struck me. Your mother
has never even hinted at any wish of hers in the matter, so, to make
sure of their views at home, I wired to them. Their answer came to-day,
it was this: 'If he feels inclined.'"
"If I only knew," I murmured. "It makes it very difficult, but I
suppose, as usual, I must decide. Don't you think that a great deal is
left to me?"
"Yes."
"And you agree with that course of procedure?"
"Entirely."
"Yet I should so like to have things taken out of my hands sometimes, it
would be ripping to feel, now and again, no sense of being in charge, so
to speak, of one's own life; it is rather overpowering to know that
everything depends on whether one says yes or no."
"And yet, my boy, there are many in the world, with larger
responsibilities than yours are at present; think, for instance, of a
great employer of labour who has to decide great things, affecting,
perhaps, the welfare of both his employes and his business. Think of
anyone in power, saying whether it shall be peace or war."
"But they have assistance in making up their minds."
"Certainly; it is there that we want you to differ from them, we wish
you in all things to be able to decide for yourself; to know how to
grasp the pros and cons, to weigh them one against the other, and give a
decision."
"But will that be of use to me, should I enter diplomacy?"
"You can only wait and see."
"Not much longer, thank Heaven!"
"Ah!" said Mr. Neville.
We drank our coffee before speaking again, then I said:
"We will go."
"Good! you have decided as I expected you to. We must arrange many
things first, however."
"What kind of things?"
"Well, do you intend going as a Rudarlian, or as an Englishman?"
"I have been English everywhere, so far, and for this visit will remain
so, unless I change my mind when there."
"Which way do you want to go?"