"What is whisky?" asks an evening paper headline. Our memory is not
what is was, but we have certainly seen the name somewhere.
***
"Bitter," says the _Kölnische Zeitung_, "is the taste of defeat." A
reference, presumably, to the thirty thousand tons of American bacon
sold to Germany by the Allies.
***
"The Octopus," said the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN in his inaugural address,
"is showing its fangs." Meanwhile Cardinal GIBBONS is busy twisting
the Lion's tentacles.
***
The owner of a mule found wandering at Walton-on-Thames is being
advertised for. "Trooper," writing from Mesopotamia, says that if it
had a portion of khaki breeching and a stirrup in its mouth it is
probably the brute which slipped out of his hands about six months
ago.
***
With regard to the man who was seen struggling in the river last week,
the report that his house was immediately taken by a passer-by is
untrue. The man who pushed him in had got there first.
***
So much controversy has been caused by DE VALERA'S escape from prison
that there is some idea of getting him to go back and do it again.
***
It is reported that just before his escape DE VALERA had been greatly
affected by the account of some labour strike. He is supposed to have
come out in sympathy.
***
There are now, it is announced, thirty-six prices at which bottled
beer may be sold. It is only fair to our readers to state that the
price it used to be is not included in the thirty-six.
***
A Servant Girls' Trade Union has been formed. So far there is no
suggestion of interfering with the mistresses' evening out.
***
Mr. Punch has already called attention to the statement that is costs
the nation a guinea every time a question is asked in Parliament. The
only difference between Westminster and the haunts of the General
Practitioner is that in the latter case (1) you pay out of your own
pocket, and (2) your tongue is protruded instead of being kept in the
cheek.
***
Burglars are very superstitious, says a press-gossip. For example
the appearance of a policeman while a burglar is drilling a safe is
considered distinctly unlucky.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "NO, MADAM. _NINE GUINEAS_--NOT NINE-AND-NINEPENCE."]
* * * * *
"The pores of the ordinary individual," says a, weekly paper, "would
reach nearly forty miles if placed end to end." We hope that nothing
of the kind will be attempted, as the traffic difficulties are bad
enough already.
***
A Thames bargee is reported to have sworn at a policeman for eleven
minutes without stopping. We understand that there is talk of having
the oration set to music.
***
Considerable damage has been caused in the Isle of Wight by rats. A
description of the offenders has been furnished to the police.
***
In order to cope with the traffic problem the L.G.O. Company have
placed one hundred additional omnibuses on the London streets. This
is such an admirable solution of a serious difficulty that people are
wondering what member of the Government first suggested it.
***
Despite the fact that his wife has attempted to shoot him eleven times
a Detroit architect declares that he will never leave her. He appears
to be one of those men who can never take a hint.
***
Mr. F.M.B. FISHER reports that in New Zealand some convicts recently
went on hunger-strike because a band played outside the prison. It
seems that their ground of complaint was that this was not included in
the sentence.
***
A correspondent writing to _The Daily News_ points out that the reign
of Satan has been cut short by eighty thousand years, and that the end
of the world is at hand. Several people in search of flats are now
wondering whether it is worth while after all.
***
Mr. SEAN T.O. KELLY, the Sinn Fein M.P., has handed M. CLEMENCEAU a
copy of the "Declaration of Independence of Ireland." Other means have
also been employed to entertain and amuse the distinguished invalid
during his enforced rest.
***
We understand that a West-End lady has just been appointed mistress to
a young parlourmaid.
***
We hear that the soldier who, after being demobilised, at once
returned to barracks in order to say a few suitable words to his late
sergeant-major, was put off on being told that he would have to take
his turn in the queue.
* * * * *