SCENE--_An Excursion Agents' Offices. Behind the counters
polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd of Intending
Tourists, all asking questions at once._
_First Int. T._ Here--have you made out that estimate for me yet?
_Clerk_. In one moment, Sir. (_He refers to a list, turns over
innumerable books, jots down columns of francs, marks, and florins;
reduces them to English money, and adds them up._) First class fares
on the Rhine, Danube and Black Sea steamers, I think you said, second
class rail, and postwagen?
_First Int. T._ I did say so, I believe; but it had better be second
class all through, and I can always pay the difference if I want to.
[_The Clerk alters the sums accordingly, and adds up again._
_Clerk_. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. Shall I make you
put the tickets now?
_First Int. T._ Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to see one of
your short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or Wales, before I
decide.
[_The Clerk hands him a quantity of leaflets, with which he
retires._
_Enter Mr. CLARENDON CULCHARD, age about twenty-eight; in
Somerset House; tall; clean-shaven, wears glasses, stoops
slightly, dresses carefully, though his tall hat is of the
last fashion but two. He looks about him expectantly, and then
sits down to wait._
_Culchard_ (_to himself_). No sign of him yet! I _do_ like a man to
keep an appointment. If this is the way he _begins_--I have my doubts
whether he is _quite_ the sort of fellow to--but I took the precaution
to ask HUGH ROSE about him, and ROSE said he was the best company in
the world, and I couldn't help getting on with him. I don't think
ROSE would deceive me. And from all I've seen of PODBURY, he seems
a pleasant fellow enough. What a Babel! All these people bent on
pleasure, going to seek it in as many directions--with what success no
one can predict. There's an idea for a sonnet there.
[_He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to write--"As when
a--"_
_An Amurrcan Citizen_ (_to_ Clerk). See here, I've been around with
your tickets in Yurrup, and when I was at Vernis, I bought some goods
at a store there, and paid cash down for 'em, and they promised to
send 'em on for me right here, and that was last fall, and I've never
heard any more of 'em, and what I want _you_ should do now is to
instruct your representative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with
that man, and ask him what in thunder he means by it, and kinder hint
that he'll hev the Amurrcan Consul in his hair pretty smart, if he
don't look slippier!
[_The Clerk mildly suggests that it would be better to
communicate directly with the American Consulate, or with
the tradesman himself._
_The A.C._ But hold on--how'm I goin' to write to that sharp,
when I've lost his address, and disremember his name? Can't you
mail a few particulars to your agent, so he'll identify him? No.
(_Disappointed._) Well, I thought you'd ha' fixed up a little thing
like that, anyhow; in my country they'd ha' done it right away. Yes,
_Sir_! [_He goes away in grieved surprise._
_Enter Mr. JAMES PODBURY, age twenty-six; in a City Office;
short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut fair hair, and small auburn
moustache. Not having been to the City to-day, he is wearing light
tweeds, and brown boots._
_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Just nicked it!--(_looks at clock_)--more or
less. And he doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall
hit it off together. HUGHIE ROSE said he was a capital good chap--when
you once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a great tip to go abroad
with a fellow who knows the ropes. (_Suddenly sees CULCHARD absorbed
in his note-book._) So _here_ you are, eh?
_Culchard_ (_slightly scandalised by the tweeds and the brown boots_).
Yes, I've been here some little time. I wish you could have managed to
come before, because they close early here to-day, and I wanted to go
thoroughly over the tour I sketched out before getting the tickets.
[_He produces an elaborate outline._
_Podbury_ (_easily_). Oh, _that's_ all right! I don't care where _I_
go! All I want is, to see as much as we can in the time--leave all the
rest to you. I'll sit here while you get the tickets.
_An Old Lady_ (_to Clerk, as CULCHARD_) _is waiting at the counter_).
Oh, I _beg_ your pardon, but _could_ you inform me if the 1'55 train
from Calais to Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and
when they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my handbag in the
carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, and
is it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, and are the
sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use?
[_The Clerk sets her mind free on as many of these points as
he can, and then attends to CULCHARD._
_Culchard_ (_returning to PODBURY with two cases bulging with books
of coloured coupons_). Here are yours. I should like you to run your
eye over them, and see that they are correct, if you don't mind.
_Podbury_ (_stuffing them in his pocket_). Can't be bothered now. Take
your word for it.
[Illustration: Yes, Sir!]
_Culchard_. No--but considering that we start the first thing
to-morrow morning, wouldn't it be as well to have some idea of where
you're going? And, by the way, excuse me, but is it altogether prudent
to keep your tickets in an outside pocket like that? I always keep
mine, with my money, in a special case in an inner pocket, with a
buttoned nap--then I know I _can't_ lose them.
_Podbury_. Anything for a quiet life! (_He examines his coupons._)
Dover to Ostend? Never been there--like to see what Ostend's like. But
why didn't you go by Calais?--_shorter_ you know.
_Culchard_. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent on our way to
Brussels.
_Podbury_. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular going on there?
No? It don't matter. And Ghent--let's see, wasn't that where they
brought the good news to? Yes, we'll stop at Ghent--if we've time.
Then--Brussels? Good deal of work to be done there, I suppose,
sightseeing, and that? I like a place where you can moon about without
being bothered myself; now, at _Brussels_--never mind, I was only
thinking.
_Culch._ It's the best place to get to Cologne and up the Rhine from.
Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to Nuremberg--
_Podbury_. Where they make toys? _I_ know--pretty festive there, eh?
_Culch._ I don't know about festive--but it is--er--a quaint,
and highly interesting old place. Then I thought we'd dip down to
Constance, and strike across the Alps to the Italian Lakes.
_Podbury_. Italian Lakes? First--rate! Yes, _they_'re worth seeing, I
suppose. Think they're better than the _Swiss_ ones, though?
_Culch._ (_tolerantly_). I can get the coupons changed for
Switzerland, if you prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may be the more
picturesque.
_Podbury_. Yes, we'll do Switzerland--and run back by Paris, eh? Not
much to do in Switzerland, though, after all!
_Culch._ (_with a faintly superior smile_). There are one or two
mountains, I believe. But, personally, I should prefer Italy.
_Podbury_. So should I. No fun in mountains--unless you go up 'em.
What do you think of choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever
goes--say in France or Germany--and, sticking to _that_. More of a
rest, wouldn't it be? such a bore having to know a lot; of people!
_Culch._ I don't see how we can change _all_ the tickets, really. If
you like, we could stop a week at St. Goarshausen.
_Podbury_. What's St. Goarshausen like--cheery?
_Culch._ I understood the idea was to keep away from our fellow
countrymen, and as far as I can remember St. Goarshausen, it is not
overrun with tourists--we should be quiet enough _there_.
_Podbury_. That's the place for _me_, then. Or could we push on to
Vienna? Never seen Vienna.
_Culch._ If you like to give up Italy altogether.
_Podbury_. What do you say to _beginning_ with Italy and working back?
Too hot, eh? Well, then, we'll let things be as they are--I daresay it
will do well enough. So _that's_ settled!
_Culchard_ (_to himself on parting, after final arrangements
concluded_). I wish ROSE had warned me that PODBURY's habit of mind
was so painfully desultory. (_He sighs._) However--
_Podbury_ (_to himself_). Wonder now long I shall take to get over
CULCHARD's manner. (_He sighs._) I wish old HUGHIE was coming--he'd
give me a leg over!
[_He walks on thoughtfully._
* * * * *