Do not venture on the ice until you can skate properly. Practice the
various steps and evolutions before a looking-glass in your bed-room.
There is a great art in falling gracefully, and it is surprising what
a number of interesting, complicated, and unlooked-for attitudes and
figures can be thus developed. To ensure perfect confidence at the
critical moment, it is as well to hire somebody, say a professional
wrestler or prize-fighter, to trip you up and knock you down in all
the possible methods. A mattress may be used for beginners to fall on.
The more improbable your manner of tumbling, the greater success will
you achieve in the eyes of the on-lookers.
When skating with a lady, you may cross hands, but it is unusual for
you to put your arm round her waist. This is only done in great
emergencies, or in a thick fog, or when you have the pond to
yourselves. It is generally found that this proceeding is equivalent
to skating on very thin ice, and will lead to dangerous consequences.
If, however, a lady, who evidently has not complete control of
herself, and does not readily answer her helm, steers straight into
your arms, you should accept the situation in your best ball-room
manner. Do not attempt to avoid a collision, as if you dodge suddenly,
the lady, on failing to meet your support, will probably sit down
abruptly on the ice, or get entangled with a sweeper.
Should you, owing to any unforeseen circumstance, find yourself
prostrated at a young lady's feet, do not place your hand on your
heart and say she is the only girl you ever loved. These little scenes
are apt to collect a crowd. Merely say you stopped to examine the
thickness of the ice, or any little _plaisanterie_ you feel capable of
inventing. Then retire to a discreet distance and rub yourself.
If the ice gives way, and you find yourself in the water, get out as
speedily as possible. I do not advise drowning. It is always a wet and
uncomfortable process, and has very few recommendations. It is,
moreover, quite fatal to true enjoyment, and only those who are
morbidly anxious for a "par" in the papers will habitually resort to
this mode of creating a sensation.
Do not hit people much with any stick you may think it _de rigueur_ to
brandish about. Such personal attentions are best performed when you
and a string of ten or twelve other 'Arries are banded together. You
can then stand up without fear for the rights of the high-spirited
young citizen to enjoy himself.
There is nothing that figure-skaters so much appreciate as the sudden
inroad of hockey-players in their midst. It adds immensely to their
zest to feel they are liable to be knocked over in the middle of an
exciting "rocker" or "mohawk"; and, of course, they like their
combined figures to be nicely disarranged, as it enables them to show
their skill in sorting themselves again. Hockey should therefore be
indulged in anywhere and everywhere.
Lastly, if you prefer sliding to skating, do not slide in a top-hat
and frock-coat, unless you are a member of the Skating Club, and even
then it looks ostentatious. Dress appropriately in some quiet costume
of kickseys and pearlies, with a feather in your hat. Wear your
billycock at the back of your head, as it will break your falls.
Always shout at the top of your voice.
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