(_Fragment from a Romance founded upon evidence given before the Select
Committee upon Dram-drinking._)
"I really think the experiment should be made," said the Professor. "Our
knowledge on the subject is so imperfect, that nothing definite can be
accurately pronounced."
"True enough," replied one of his friends; "but although the end to be
attained is excellent, may not the means be termed by the scrupulous
'questionable?'"
"By the over-scrupulous, perhaps," returned the Professor, with a smile.
"And the expense," observed a second of his intimates, "will be no small
consideration. If we put the matter to a thorough test, a large quantity--a
very large quantity of the necessary liquid will have to be purchased and
disposed of. Am I not right in hazarding this supposition?"
"Undoubtedly," responded the Professor, "and the cost will be enhanced by
the fact that the necessary liquids will have to be of the best possible
quality. As Dr. PAVEY observed before the Committee 'It is not the alcohol
in itself that is injurious, but the by-products.' Our aim must be to
eliminate the by-products."
"I think the idea first-rate," said the third friend; and then he paused
and added, seemingly as an after-thought, "Pass the bottle."
So the Professor and his three companions decided to make the investigation
in the cause of scientific research. It was resolved that after a week they
should meet again, and that in the meanwhile they should in their own
persons carry on the experiment continuously. When this had been arranged
the friends parted company.
At the appointed time the contemplated gathering became a concrete fact.
The Professor's friends were the first to appear at the rendezvous. They
were unsteady as to their gait, their neckties were in disorder and their
hair falling carelessly over their eyes, added a fresh impediment to an
eyesight that seemingly was temporarily defective. They sank into three
chairs regarding one another with a smile that gradually resolved itself
into a frown. Then they filled up the pause caused by the non-appearance of
the Professor by weeping silently. Their emotion was not of long duration,
as the originator of the experiment was soon in their midst. He seemed to
be in excellent health and spirits.
"My dear friend," he said, and it was noticeable that he was prone to clip
his words, and to use the singular, in lieu of the plural, when the latter
would have been more conventional, "My dear friend, glad see you all. Hope
you well."
His comrades received the well-meant greeting with a resentful frown, which
ended in further weeping.
"This very painful," continued the Professor, resting his hand somewhat
heavily on the back of a chair; "very painful indeed! Fact is, you been
taking wrong things!"
His friends sorrowfully shook their heads negatively.
"Yes you have! Sure of it! You, Sir--imbibed whiskey! No harm in good
whiskey--excellent thing, good whiskey! But injuriverius--should say,
injurious--if has too much flavour of malt! Your whiskey too much flavour
of malt! You took brandy--bad brandy--too much taste of grapes! You took
rum--bad rum--too much mo--mo--molasses! Now I took all three--whiskey,
brandy, rum, but pure--no by-products. No, not at all. Result! See! Sober
as judge!"
And, succumbing to a sudden desire for slumber, the Professor, at this
point of his discourse, joined his friends under the table!
* * * * *
[Illustration: CYCLING NOTES.
_He._ "DO YOU BELONG TO THE PSYCHICAL SOCIETY?"
_She._ "NO; BUT I SOMETIMES GO OUT ON MY BROTHER'S MACHINE!"]
* * * * *