passing an insane asylum and he noticed a clock up on one of the towers;
but there was some half hour's difference between his watch and the
clock; and while he was standing there trying to figure out which was
right, one of the patients stuck his head out of a window right beside
the clock. The man below saw him and called up to him,
"'Hey, there: is that clock right?'"
"And the patient replied,
'No; if it was it wouldn't be in here.'"
Honest, if I hadn't known I was in Cork, Ireland, I should have thought
I was playing Toronto, Canada; there wasn't a ripple; the driver gave me
one disgusted look, hit the horse a cut with the whip and drove on in
silence. My wife looked at me angrily and shook her head.
"All right," I said to myself. "You are a Mutt audience and I shall
relate no more episodes of a comic nature." And I didn't.
When we had reached our rooms that night my wife turned on me and said
sharply,
"What did you do that for?"
"What did I do what for?"
"What did you tell him that story for?"
"Well, why in thunder shouldn't I tell it to him? What's the matter with
that story anyway?"
She looked at me curiously for a moment, then said,
"Don't you know what you did?"
"No."
"Why that was the same story he had just told you."
* * * * *
E. J. Connelly has got a summer home at Lake Sunapee, New Hampshire. He
also owns several building lots around there. As building lots without
buildings on them do not bring in much cash, Edward was seriously
contemplating building some cottages on the lots, furnishing and renting
them. I met him one evening this fall and asked him how the cottages
were coming on.
"It's all off," he said; "nothing doing in the cottage line for me."
I asked him what had happened to change his mind so suddenly.
"Well, Bill," he said, "you know I am not a chap who goes hunting for
trouble; I'm nervous; I don't like to be troubled with other people's
troubles. This afternoon I was over to Bob Eaton's, and you know he has
got some cottages up at the other end of the lake that he rents,
furnished."
"Yes, I knew that."
"Well," continued Connelly, "while I was over to Bob's this afternoon a
man who has rented one of these cottages came down there. He had left
his cottage and driven twelve miles down to Bob's house to make a kick;
and what do you suppose the kick was?"
"Haven't the least idea."
"There wasn't any nutmeg grater in the cottage. Twelve miles to make a
five-cent kick. And my cottages would be only two hundred feet away. No
landlord business for your Uncle Edward. No, sir."
THE TROUBLES OF THE LAUGH GETTERS
It is a solemn business, this getting laughs for a living. Supposing the
people don't laugh. Then how are you going to live? Take an act that you
have been doing for weeks. Every afternoon and every night the audience
laughs at exactly the same lines; this goes on night after night, week
after week and city after city. Then you go into some city like Toronto
or St. Paul and Hamlet's soliloquy would get as many laughs as you do.
Now what are you going to do? Other players on the bill are getting
laughs right along and you, in the language of the stage, are "dying
standing up."
I have had the same experiences off the stage. I once tried to tell an
old German gentleman in St. Louis a story that had been highly
recommended to me as being funny. It was about a man going up to a St.
Louis policeman and asking him the quickest way to get to the Mt. Olive
hospital. The policeman told him to go over to Grogan's saloon and call
the bartender an A. P. A.
Then I waited for the laugh. And immediately I knew I had a Toronto
audience. The old man studied a moment, then said,
"Why did he not tell him to take an Olive Street car?"
* * * * *
An old lady from Brooklyn was visiting us. I told her one of Lew
Dockstader's stories. How he had a girl over in Brooklyn. Her father was
an undertaker. And Lew could always tell how business was with the old
man by the looks of the table. If he had had a good job lately there
would be flowers on the table, and ice on the butter.
I waited for the laugh. "But the giggle that he longed for never came."
The old lady looked up with a look of interest and said,
"Did he say what their name was? Perhaps we knew them."
* * * * *
I met a banker in Toronto. I tried to tell him a story referring to the
banking business, hoping against hope that I might get one laugh in that
city. I told him about a colored man who went into a colored bank down
South and wanted to draw out his deposit of twenty dollars that had been
in there for eight years. And the colored cashier told him he did not
have any money in there. That the interest had eaten it up long ago.
"Yes," said the banking gentleman, with a pitying smile, "very clever.
But he was wrong, you know; interest adds to your principal, not
detracts."
* * * * *
[Illustration: Playing Hoboken.]
William Cahill was playing Hoboken. Hoboken is entirely Dutch. William
is entirely Irish. Result, William, on his opening show, did not get a
laugh or a hand. After his act was over he stood around, dazed, for a
few minutes; then he made his way over to the "peek hole," looked out
and sized up the audience carefully, then turned away, muttering to
himself,
"This is a h---- of a place for an Irishman."
* * * * *
[Illustration: Carrying "The Old Man" With Her.]
Mr. and Mrs. Harry Foy carried a nurse-maid for their little girl. When
I came in to the theater I would always go in and speak to the
nurse-maid and the baby. Then after I was made up I would come in again
and visit them. But the maid never knew that I was the same fellow; and
along the last of the week she began to wonder what ever became of that
old chap she saw around the stage during the show, but never afterwards.
So she went over to Miss Dayne and said,
"Say, do you carry that old man with you or do you get a new one in
every town?"
* * * * *
"Well," said Clarence Drown, manager of the Los Angeles Orpheum, "she is
one of those women you are always glad to learn is the wife of some man
you don't like."
* * * * *
Freddie Niblo, Jr., sat on the floor in their New York home one day,
thinking it over. Finally he looked up at his mother (Josephine Cohan)
and said,
"Say, Mama, wouldn't it be nice if you had a regular husband instead of
an actor husband? Then perhaps he would be at home sometimes."
* * * * *
A well known Booking Agency had just transferred one of the
stenographers from the New York office to the Chicago office. On her
first morning in the new office she came over to the manager and said,
"I suppose you start the day the same here as they do in the New York
office?"
"Why--er--yes--I suppose so," said the manager.
"Well, kiss me then, and let me get to work."
ASLEEP WITH HER SWITCH
A certain young lady (and Abe Jacobs says he knows she was a lady
because she told him so, adding the information that any one who said
she wasn't was a ---- ---- liar) was appearing at the Majestic Theater
in Chicago not so very long ago. Owing to conditions over which she,
apparently, had no control, the exact hours of her appearance were a
little uncertain. Her first entrance was rather a dramatic affair. One
of the other characters, hearing a noise behind a certain door, would
draw a revolver, aim it at the door, and say--
"Come out! Come out, or I will shoot!"
Upon this occasion everything ran smoothly--up to this point; the
gentleman had drawn his revolver and ordered her to appear.
"Come out!" he said; "come out or I will shoot!"
But there was nothing doing; so he repeated,
"Come out or I will shoot!"
And still nothing doing; so for a third time he called,
"If you don't come out I will shoot!"
There was a pause, then, as the curtain started to descend, a disgusted
voice came from the stage manager's box,
"Go on and shoot; she's down in her dressing room asleep."
* * * * *
A crowd was sitting around the Vaudeville Comedy Club, and the
conversation had drifted around to a discussion of the old-time
Vaudeville and that of the present day.
"Well, I can tell you one thing," said James Dolan, of Dolan & Lenhar,
"there didn't use to be all these divorces and separations among the
old-timers. We didn't use to think that we had to have a new wife every
year or two; we stuck to the old ones; the ones that had helped us get
our starts. Look at Mr. and Mrs. Mark Murphy; Mr. and Mrs. Tom Nawn;
Ryan & Richfield; Cressy and Dayne; Dolan & Lenhar; Filson & Errol. I
tell you, boys, we _stuck_ in those days."
"Yes, but here; wait a minute," spoke up Horace Wright; "give us
youngsters a chance. I haven't been married but three years, but I am
sticking as fast as I can. Give me time, and I'll get into your
class--sometime."
I JOIN THE SUFFRAGETTES
I am now a suffragette. I don't exactly understand what it is all about
yet, but when I was up in New Hampshire a few weeks ago I met a very
enthusiastic lady who started in to convert me to "the cause." Finally,
after she had talked fourteen minutes without breathing once, I got a
chance to speak.
"But wait a minute," I said; "you are wasting time. As I understand this
thing, what you want is equal rights--for the sexes; is that correct?"
She said that was it exactly.
"All right then," I said, "I am with you, heart and soul; and, although
I haven't known it, I have been with you for a long time. I am willing
to fight shoulder to shoulder with you for this glorious cause, for if
there is anything that will get a man equal rights with a woman I am for
it."
"But," she said, "you _vote_, don't you?"
"_No_," I said, "_I can't! Martin Beck won't let me off to go home._"
"But," she continued, "you can sit on juries, and we can't."
"Well, good Lord," I exclaimed, "you don't want to sit on juries, do
you?"
"We want to do everything that men do."
"Well, I don't know," I replied; "it doesn't look good to me; women on a
jury."
"Why not?"
"Well, supposing there should be some big case on, and there were six
women and six men on the jury, and the jury should be locked up in the
jury room all night. You know darn well the verdict would be 'Guilty.'"
* * * * *
If I had an automobile that was in the last stages of decomposition and
I couldn't sell it to anybody else I think I should try to sell it to
the chap that painted that automobile on the drop curtain in the Garrick
Theater in Chicago.
On this drop curtain there is painted an electric runabout. The chap
that painted it knew a good deal more about painting than he did about
automobiles. There isn't the slightest symptom of any steering gear on
it; the front axle is a straight iron rod without a sign of any joint in
it.
One of the passengers is either sitting exactly on the top of the
steering bar, or else there isn't any; and with all four wheels set
rigidly so it can't turn, the car is just leaving the roadway and
plunging into a flower bed.
* * * * *
There is one theater in Chicago that is going to have an awful time
enforcing that "no tipping allowed" rule. The Illinois Theater has a
stage manager by the name of Frank Tipping.
* * * * *
My wife says that all the Mormons are not in Utah: only their wives are
not on.
* * * * *
Jim Morton says Duluth is a nice little "Street in One."
* * * * *
Fred Wyckoff says the two worst weeks in show business are Holy Week and
Milwaukee.
* * * * *
"Tommie" Ryan has got the right idea. He has had himself appointed as a
special police officer over at his home in Hohokus, N. J. (Think of any
one's having a bright idea in a town with a name like that.) Now when he
gets lonesome he runs his automobile up Main Street at full speed (13
miles an hour), arrests himself for overspeeding, collects two dollars
for making the arrest, then fails to appear against himself and the case
is dismissed.
* * * * *
There is no disputing the fact that education is a great help to a young
man starting out in the world. Said bright thought being prompted by the
following ad, clipped from a Buffalo, N. Y., paper:
"Help Wanted: Automobile washer, $18.00. Stenographer and book keeper,
$12.00."
* * * * *
I attended a newspaper men's banquet in Rochester, N. Y. One of the
speakers, a quaint, funny appearing little old chap, was introduced as a
man who lived in a town of six thousand population, but had a
circulation of thirty thousand for his paper.
"And," said the toastmaster, as he introduced him, "I would like to have
him tell us where those thirty thousand papers go to."
The little old chap arose, scratched his bushy head and said,
"Well--it goes all over. Of course most of 'em go 'round through New
York state. But some of 'em go down to Massachusetts, Maine and New
Hampshire. Then a few go down South. I have a few subscribers out
through California and Oregon and Washington. Some go to Honolulu; the
Philippines and two or three go as far as Australia.
"And," he continued, with a sigh, "along in the earlier days I used to
have considerable trouble to keep it from going to Hell."
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Bring her Hither."]
A young fellow up in New Hampshire has written a Vaudeville playlet and
sent it on for my approval. If he could have kept up the gait he struck
on the first page I should have bought it:
_Maid_: A lady waits without.
_Master_: Without what?
_Maid_: Without food or raiment.
_Master_: Give her food and bring her hither.
* * * * *
The cost of high living has evidently not struck Philadelphia yet; for
in the window of a little store on North Ninth Street there is a
sign--"A glass bowl--a goldfish--a tadpole and one seaweed--all for 8
cents."
* * * * *
There must have been a crook around New York this winter, for hanging up
over the workmen's lockers in the garage where I keep my car is a sign
saying--
"_Keep Out. We Mourn Our Loss._"
[Illustration]
THE PERILS OF A GREAT CITY
At the corner of 44th Street and Broadway, New York, the street car
tracks, in making the turn, swing in quite near to the curb; in fact,
there is just room enough for a single vehicle to drive between them.
One night as my wife and I were driving down in our automobile we
reached this corner just as an uptown car and a downtown car were
meeting there. The uptown car stopped to let off a passenger. The
downtown car slowed down, so as not to run down anyone coming around
the back of the uptown car. And, not to be outdone in caution, we slowed
down also.
An old Irish lady got off the uptown car. She had an armful of bundles,
and had on a sailor hat, with no hat pins in it; so that she had to keep
tossing her head to keep it balanced and straight. She walked around the
back of the uptown car--just in season to walk in front of the downtown
car. The motorman sounded his bell, "_Bang! Bang!_" The old lady gave a
yell and a jump--and landed right in front of our car. I sounded the
horn, "_Squawk! Squawk!_" and she gave another yell and another jump,
off to the side, and the sailor hat fell off, right in front of our car.
The old lady started to go back for the hat; I slammed on the brakes and
threw out the clutch. When I threw out the clutch the engine raced for a
moment--"_W-h-i-r-r-r-r!_" Again the old lady yelled and jumped back.
And standing in the gutter, she shook her fist at me and screamed--
"_---- ---- you, don't you boomp me!_"
"Go on and get your hat," I said, "I won't bump you."
Cautiously she stooped over and reached for the hat. And at that moment
a messenger boy on a bicycle came tearing around the corner out of 44th
Street, and struck the old lady where she was, at that moment, the most
prominent. In an instant boy--old lady--bicycle--bundles and sailor hat
were all mussed up together in the gutter. She had dodged two trolley
cars and an automobile, only to be run down by a boy on a bicycle.
As I drove on, I gave one glance back; and the bundles, hat and bicycle
lay in the gutter, while the boy was on the dead run up Broadway with
the old lady after him.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN SIGNS?
(These are all actual signs that I have come across in my travels.)
Paterson, N. J. "Henry Worms. Vegetables."
Chicago. "I. D. Kay. Fresh Vegetables."
Brooklyn, N. Y. "Kick, the Printer."
Pittsburg, Pa. "Daub, the Painter."
Dalton, Ga. "Tapp, the Jeweler."
Washington, D. C. "Shake, the Grocer."
Oakland, Cal. "Fake, Jeweler."
Philadelphia. "Dr. Aker, Dentist."
Oakland, Cal. "Dr. Muchmore, Dentist."
New York, N. Y. "Mr. Champoo, Dentist."
Chicago. "Artificial Eyes. Open all Night."
Seattle, Wash. "Artificial Limbs. Walk In."
Buffalo, N. Y. "English & Irish. Furniture."
Denver, Colo. "Painless Dyeing."
Salt Lake City. "Come In: The Soda Water's Fine."
Oakland, Cal. "Letts-Love, Florists."
Seattle, Wash. "Dr. Fixott, Dentist."
Boston. "B. Stiller, Photographer."
Boston. "Dr. Capwell, Dentist."
Hartford, Conn. "Best & Smart, Dry Goods."
Boston. "Neal & Pray, Religious Publications."
Newark, N. J. A millinery store announces--"We Trim Free of Charge."
San Francisco. "Coats, Pants & Vests, one half off."
Denver. "The Rothchild Cigar. Ten cents or two for a quarter."
Paterson, N. J. "Coffins made and repaired."
Portland, Ore. "Neer & Farr, Coal Dealers."
Paris, Ky. "Ice Cream & Washing Done Here."
Spokane, Wash. "Bed Bath & Booze 15c. All Nations welcome but
Carrie."
Louisville, Ky. "Beds 15cts. Hot cat fish all night."
Atlantic City. "Shoes Shined Inside. Also Ladies."
Spokane, Wash. "Ole Johnson Him Harness Maker."
Brownsville, Ark. "H. Robinson, Tacks Collector."
Chicago. "Precious Stones Setted."
Milwaukee. "Sweet Pickles and N. Y. Sunday papers for sale here."
Denver, Colo. "Hot Roast Chicken served from 11-30 until gone."
Buffalo, N. Y. "Shoes Repaired; neat; Quick & Well."
Chicago (in the Ionia Café). "No meals exchanged."
Philadelphia (in a Japanese café). "No suiciding Allowed Here."
Chicago. "Broken lenses duplicated."
Platte Canyon, Neb. "Private Grounds. You must not shoot or pick the
flowers without permission."
CLOSING NUMBER
As I don't know whether this effort is going to get applause enough to
take a bow, I am going to finish with a story that has got two bows in
it.
There was an old English actor who had struggled all his life for
recognition; and never got it. He had never been in a decent
company--never had a decent part in his life. And for years he had been
reading of the wonderful success many of the English players were
meeting with in America, so at last he sailed for that Land of Promise.
But it was the same sad story it had been at home. And dollar by dollar,
and penny by penny his money went until at last he was penniless. And
then came that longing for HOME that cannot be resisted. And one dark
night he went down and stowed away on a steamer bound for Liverpool.
The next morning he was discovered, and put to work helping in the
kitchen. This was the last straw; there he sat, in his fur lined
overcoat and silk hat, peeling potatoes. That night he decided to end it
all. So at midnight he said "Farewell vain world" and went over the
rail.
"Man overboard!" cried the Lookout.
The life belts were thrown over. The powerful electric search lights
were thrown upon the waters. These life belts as soon as they strike the
water begin to burn a bright red light.
The poor old actor came up for the last time--and just between the two
life belts with their red fires burning. At the same moment the dazzling
stream of light from the search light fell full upon him. The old man
opened his eyes; and a look of ineffable joy came over his face. For the
first time in his life he was in the spot light.
So he took two bows--and went down--forever.
* * * * *
CURTAIN
* * * * *
Transcriber's note
The following changes have been made to the text:
Page 37: "is the old family burying" changed to "in the old family
burying".
Page 37: "V. M. Waetherholtz" changed to "V. M. Weatherholtz".
Page 166: "Doland" changed to "Dolan".
Page 174: "the down car slowed down" changed to "the downtown car slowed
down".