little, inch by inch, she could feel _something_ giving way; she was not
sure, yet, whether it was the tub, the paint or herself; but something
was giving way. And at last, with one agonizing jerk, she broke away and
arose to her feet. And then she turned and looked down into the tub to
see what had happened; and what she saw there brought a sigh of relief
to her lips; for she discovered that she was still intact; and the tub
was all there; what had given way was the paint; and gleaming up at her
from the bottom of the bath tub, like a full moon through the clouds,
was a bright and shining circle of the tin, free from all encumbrance in
the shape of paint or varnish.
As I say, she gave a sigh of relief; but almost instantly this sigh of
relief was followed by a gasp of dismay. _If the paint was gone from the
tub, where was it?_
Again she discovered that, although her troubles were all behind her,
they were still with her. Frantically grasping soap, scrubbing brush and
towel she tried to erase the foul stain from her character. But after
five minutes' frantic labor she discovered that her trouble was too deep
seated for soap and water.
She tried toilet water; witch hazel; bay rum; listerine; any and
everything in reach; and the villain still pursued her. Every moment was
getting precious now; Hubbie was about due to come home, and if Hubbie
ever found out about this--well--life would be one grand sweet laugh to
him "from thence henceonward forever." Hastily wrapping her bathrobe
about her she went to the telephone and called up the paint store, and
in frantic tones asked the paint man what she could use to remove paint
from anything. The paint man asked what the paint was on. She said it
was on her fingers; and it was--some of it. The man told her to use
spirits of turpentine. And she did.
When the lady recovered consciousness--but what's the use; this was told
to me in confidence anyway, and I promised not to say a word about it.
So I won't.
* * * * *
We were calling on some German friends of ours in Minneapolis. Their
daughter's husband had just purchased an automobile and the old folks
were all fussed up over it. It was all they could think or talk about.
Finally Mother asked me which I considered the best make of car.
"Well," I said, "it is rather a peculiar thing, but our best American
cars all seem to have names beginning with the letter P. There is the
Pierce Arrow, the Peerless and the Packard--"
"Ja," said Mother eagerly, "and the Puick."
* * * * *
_Oh You Pinkie!_
"Miss Pink Bump, of Hickory Grove, is visiting at the home of George
Flemming."--_Milledgville (Ill.) Free Press._
* * * * *
The "Bobbie" Richardsons had just moved from Kansas City to Kalamazoo.
They had brought their old colored cook with them, but had had to secure
a "local talent" nurse-maid for the two little girls. On the afternoon
of their second day in their new home two ladies dropped in to pay their
respects to their new neighbors. Mrs. Bobbie hurriedly sent the new
nurse-maid upstairs to prepare little Alice and Mary for inspection and
went in to receive her visitors.
Everything was progressing finely, when all at once a clear, shrill
little voice came floating down the stairway--
"I don't care! company or no company, I will _not_ be washed in spit."
(Wanted: A Nurse-maid. Baptist preferred.)
* * * * *
Tom McRae is the leading lawyer of Prescott, Ark. Before the War the
McRaes were large slaveowners; and to this day if one of the colored
people gets into any trouble he immediately comes to "Mars' Tom" to help
him out. One day last summer the village barber, a big, sporty kind of a
young colored chap, came in to Tom's office and said,
"Mars' Tom, I reckons as how I'll have to have you get me a devose frum
dat wife of mine."
"A divorce? What are you talking about? If you ever get a divorce from
Caroline you will starve to death. You have got one of the best wives in
this town."
"No, suh, no, suh, Mars' Tom. Youall don't know dat woman. Dat woman is
de mos' 'stravigant woman in the whole State of Arkansas. Mo'nin', noon
an' night dat woman is pesterin' me fo' money. Dollar hyar--fo' bits
dere--two bits fo' dis and a dime fo' that. I don' dare go home no mo'.
No, suh, de only thing that is goin' do me no good is a devose."
"Well, I am astonished," said Tom. "I never dreamed Caroline was that
kind of a woman. What does she do with all this money?"
"God knows, Mars' Tom. I hain't never give her none yet."
* * * * *
We were playing in New York. Preceding us on the bill were the Martin
Brothers, playing for twenty-two minutes on Xylophones. After the show a
friend of ours from Hartford, Conn., joined us at lunch. We were
discussing the show and finally he said,
"Will, do you know I could live a long time, and be perfectly happy, if
I never heard one of those picket-fence soloists again."
* * * * *
My wife was drinking a glass of iced tea; he kept glancing at it and
finally he said,
"Do you know, I can understand anybody drinking that stuff _at home_;
or if somebody had given it to you. But the idea of anybody _buying_ it!
and _paying_ for it."
* * * * *
Solomon and David were merry kings of old,
About whose pleasant fancies full many a tale is told.
But when old age o'ertook them, with its many, many qualms,
King Solomon wrote the Proverbs and King David wrote the Psalms.
* * * * *
In a restaurant window on Thirteenth Street, St. Louis:
"Small Steak, 20 cents. Extra Small Steak, 25 cents."
* * * * *
In a bakery window in Omaha:
"Homemade pize fifteen cents."
* * * * *
"Married: At East Walpole, Mass., Jan. 27th, 1912, Robert P. Bass,
Governor of New Hampshire, and Miss Edith Harlan Bird."
(The members of the New Hampshire Fish and Game League will now arise
and sing: "What Shall the Harvest Be.")
* * * * *
The hardest luck story I have run across lately was a fellow playing a
moving picture house in Salt Lake City who had a check come to him by
mail. The check was for twenty-five dollars; and the only man in town
who could identify him was a man he owed thirty dollars.
* * * * *
I see there is an act playing in Vaudeville this year by the name of
Doolittle & Steel. Make your own jokes.
HOW MIKE DONLIN SHRUNK
The management of the Majestic Theater in Chicago always have a small
sign at the side of the stage announcing the headline act for the
following week. Upon this particular occasion this sign announced the
coming of Mabel Hite and Mike Donlin.
There was a chap sitting down in front with his girl, who wanted her to
think that he knew everybody and everything in Vaudeville. You know, one
of those people who call all actors and actresses by their first names,
and can tell you (incorrectly) all about their private affairs.
Finally it came time for Melville & Higgins to appear; and in order for
you to appreciate this incident, I will mention that Mr. Higgins is
built on the same general principle as a string bean; he has been known
to conceal himself behind an umbrella.
Now when it is time for this act to come on, all the lights in the house
are thrown out, and a spot light is thrown on the stage over near the
entrance from which they are to come on. It so happened on this occasion
that the light just covered the sign announcing "_Mabel Hite & Mike
Donlin_" but did not light up the words "Next Week."
The Bureau of Mis-information down in front, with his lady-love, had
just started to look at his program when the lights went out, so that he
had been unable to make out who came next. Now he looked up and saw that
sign for the first time--"Mabel Hite & Mike Donlin."
"Why, I thought they were here next week," he said. "Now you will see
something good."
Just then Melville & Higgins walked out on the stage. The chap down in
front started to applaud, then his jaw dropped, and he gasped out,
"_My God, how Mike has fallen away._"
* * * * *
The manager of a small Moving Picture and Vaudeville Theater in Lincoln,
Nebraska, was watching the opening show of the week. A Horizontal Bar
came on, two men, one a straight acrobat, the other a clown. As soon as
the act was over the manager went back and fired the clown.
"Fired?" said the clown in amazement; "what for?"
"Because you can't do nothin'; you missed every trick you went after;
t'other feller is all right; he can work."
* * * * *
Joe Keaton, "the Man With the Table, a Wife and Three Kids," was in
three hotel fires inside of fourteen months. But he always managed to
get his little family out safe. In addition to doing that, he always
managed to save something; and that something was the same every time.
When they had all got down the fire escapes, and had reached a place of
safety, Joe would find clutched tightly in his hand--_a cake of soap_.
* * * * *
One night Ezra Kendal left his wife at the elevator in the Union Hotel
in Chicago, saying that he would be right up in a few minutes. Two hours
later he came up to the room.
"Where have you been all this time, Ezra?" asked his wife.
"I met a couple of Interlocutors downstairs, and I have been doing End
Man to them," said Ezra.
[Illustration: It Isn't the Coat that makes the Man.]
Fred Niblo and his wife (Josephine Cohan) were playing at Proctor's 23d
Street Theater in New York. Fred always wore a Prince Albert coat in his
act. On this day he had considerable trouble in getting his necktie to
suit him. Finally he got arranged, slipped on the Prince Albert,
buttoned it, took one final look into the glass, and started for the
door.
"Where are you going, dear?" asked Mrs. N. in that wifely tone that
always makes a man shrink.
"Why, I am going out to do my act," said Fred. "Why?"
"Oh, nothing," said Mrs. N., "only I thought perhaps you would want to
put some trousers on."
A NIGHT IN BOHEMIA
When George W. Day got married he took awful chances. Well, of course,
we all do, for that matter; but George took more than usual, for he
married into a Scotch Presbyterian family, and anybody knows that Actors
and Scotch Presbyterians were not originally created for Affinities. But
George, in addition to being an Actor, is a Musician, an Artist and a
Corking Good Fellow, and the wife's folks, after taking him on probation
for ten or fifteen years, finally decided that they would accept him
into the family.
Up to two or three years ago, Mother-in-law was the only one of the
family who had visited Mr. and Mrs. George in their New York home; the
rest of the family had continued to reside in Peaceful Valley, or
wherever it was, and hope for the best for that poor erring daughter who
had fallen victim to the wiles of "a Actor." But finally Mr. and Mrs.
George and Mother-in-law had persuaded Mother-in-law's two sisters and
one of the sister's husbands to come down to New York and visit the
Days.
Uncle Abinidab was a tall, ministerial appearing man, "ninety years of
age, and whiskers down to here"; he dressed in a black pair of trousers,
a black Prince Albert coat, black tie, and a black slouch hat.
The two aunts wore the black silk dresses that their father had brought
from India sixty years ago. Mother-in-law was also dressed in black.
George worked in as many "neutral tints" on his own wardrobe as he
could, trying to "tone down" to fit the occasion. The ice box was used
for the sole purpose of storing food; George's cigars, pipes and tobacco
were locked up in an old trunk in the storeroom. The family Bible was
hunted up, dusted, and placed in a conspicuous position on the
centertable in the front room. George carefully censored his drawings
which were stuck up on the walls all over the house; and any lady who
did not have on a Buffalo overcoat and rubber boots was placed out in
the trunk with the pipes.
The week that followed was "one round of gayety" for the folks. George
walked off over five pounds showing them the Brooklyn bridge, Central
Park, Grant's tomb, Fifth Avenue, Fleischman's bread line, Macy's store,
the post-office, Tammany Hall, and every church in the city.
It took them the first five days to play this route. And then on Friday
night Mother-in-law horrified George by informing the others that on the
next day she and George would show them Coney Island. By going out early
in the morning, and in the evenings, and rehearsing his day's route in
advance, George had managed so far to conduct his little Company around
the city without running them into any "High Life." But he knew that if
that crowd ever struck Coney Island on a good busy afternoon, his hopes
of becoming a favorite son-in-law were gone.
But Mother insisted, so the next morning he took Deacon Abinidab and the
three "sisters in black" and started for Coney Island. Although I have
examined him closely on this point, he does not seem to have any very
clear idea yet as to where they went that day, or what they did. All he
can say is that "it was awful." They insisted on Hot Dogs, Pop Corn,
Peanut Brittle, Dreamland, Luna Park, and all the rest; they went
through the Old Mill, and they made George come down the "Bump the
Bumps," "Shoot the Shoots" and such other exhilarating devices as they
did not dare to tackle themselves.
They had supper in Henderson's, watching the Vaudeville show on the
stage as they ate. They watched the fireworks, and it was ten o'clock
before George could get them started toward home. When he got them on
the train, homeward bound, he heaved a sigh of mighty relief, but
afterwards regretted wasting a sigh of that sort in that way.
Arriving in New York, they were wending their way up Broadway, near
Twenty-ninth Street; Uncle Abinidab had been sort of hanging back for a
block or two, looking here and there in a searching kind of way, and
finally he took George's arm and said confidentially: "George, laddie,
do ye ken a place where we can get a wee nippie?" George didn't know
whether the inquiry was on the level, or whether it was a sort of
"feeler" to find out how he stood on the temperance question. But he
decided to "play safety" so he stated promptly that he did not know of
such a place in New York City.
But Mother! Ah ha! That mother-in-law, that since Creation's dawn has
been abused and vilified, that mother-in-law, that through all those
years George had feared and dreaded; that mother-in-law, at whose
approach he had hidden his pipe and tobacco; that mother-in-law that he
had never approached without a clove and a stage fright. Now, it was she
who spoke up like Horatio at the Bridge and said:
"_I know a place._"
George was stunned; speechless; if the statue of Horace Greeley just
passed, had spoken those words, he couldn't have been more surprised. He
looked at her in amazement and asked her what "place" she knew. "Right
down this street here," she said; "come on."
And if you guessed a thousand years, you never would guess where that
blessed old lady steered those innocent Presbyterians. Into "_Bohemia_,"
one of the swiftest, all-night restaurants and dance halls in New York
City. Neither Mr. or Mrs. George has ever had the courage to this day to
ask how on earth Mother came to even know of the existence of such a
place, much less of its locality.
Down Twenty-ninth Street they marched; Mother in the lead, the two
sisters next, then Uncle Abinidab "with whiskers down to here," and
last, and making himself the "least," he could, with his two hundred and
seventy pounds, came George, wondering what the finish would be. The
Orchestra, one of those Austrian Table-Dote-with-Red-Wine Affairs,
consisting of half a dozen crazy fiddlers and a girl beating one of
those woven wire mattress pianos with a couple of sticks, was whooping
it up for all they were worth; the loud shrill voices of the women and
the hoarse voices of the men, the shouts of the waiters and the clatter
of dishes made a very babel of sound.
_And then the Presbyterian convention walked in._
The crowd gave one look--and every sound stopped. The Orchestra died
away in a discordant wail; the guests stopped, with glasses raised half
way to their lips; the waiters stood as if petrified. Old Bohemia had
seen many strange sights in its career; but no stranger cavalcade had
ever marched in through its portals than this "Peaceful Valley
Quartette." The three aged women, dressed in all the simplicity of their
village home; Uncle Abinidab, tall, austere and with the snow-white
whiskers, and behind them, a big, smooth-faced, broad-shouldered young
chap that looked like a Plain Clothes Man in charge.
Four pale, anemic, shifty-eyed young fellows who were seated at a table
near the door, took one look at George, reached under their chairs for
their hats, and faded away through the door into the night. Mother, with
a happy smile, piloted her little brood over to an empty table, and with
a graceful gesture, motioned them to be seated. Then, with expectant
faces, they all looked at George. Every eye in the place was still
focussed on them. The silence and air of expectation which pervaded the
room was so tense that everybody jumped when George mustered up courage
at last to stammer,
"Er-er-what'll you have?"
The silence grew still more tense as everybody leaned forward to hear
the answer. Uncle Abinidab glanced at the sisters nervously, then
cleared his throat and said:
"Er-er-hem; I think I'll take a wee drop of whiskey."
There was a deep sigh of relief went up from the whole room, a sigh
which swelled to an almost articulate cry of joy as Mother-in-law chimed
in, "I think I will too."
The two sisters voted with the majority and George made it unanimous.
Every person in the room, guests, musicians and waiters, as if they
could not really believe it yet, watched the drinks brought, and
disposed of. Then Mother arose and majestically and calmly led her
little flock to the door and out on to the street again. As the parade
turned on to Broadway, George looked back, and every doorway and window
in Bohemia was crowded with faces. And as the cavalcade passed from
sight the Orchestra struck up their wild discordant clamor, the voices
and the laughter broke out again, and Bohemia became herself again.
* * * * *
One day in June three sweet country Maids
Decided at home no more they'd reside.
So all three together sat out on a tramp
And the tramp died.
* * * * *
I asked the old Gate Tender at a park in Columbus, Ohio, what time the
electric cars left for the city.
"Quarter past--half past--quarter of and 'at,'" he replied.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Vengeance Is Mine."]
Gene Ellsworth (Ellsworth & Burt) was playing the part of Dunston Kirk
in the play of _Hazel Kirk_. At the end of the last act Dunston, who is
supposed to be blind, strikes down the villain with his cane. On this
occasion, just as 'Gene had his cane raised to strike him, a horseshoe
fell from the flies above, struck the villain square on the top of the
head, and knocked him cold. 'Gene saw the climax of his scene going, but
quick as a flash raised his hand on high and said solemnly,
"Struck down by the hand of an outraged Providence."
* * * * *
[Illustration: One Sure (?) Fire Revolver.]
James J. Corbett was indulging in one of his semi-annual attacks of
acting, and it came along to a place where the villain was to say--
"Then die, you dog," and shoot Jim, who fell, wounded, to the floor.
Upon this occasion the villain spoke the line, pulled the trigger, and
Jim fell. _But the gun did not go off._ Instantly Jim raised himself on
his elbow and said in agonized tones--
"My God; shot with an air gun."
* * * * *
Mrs. Filson (Filson & Errol) had lost a ring in the Pullman car; after
quite a search the porter found it and brought it to her.
"My Goodness, Lady," he said, "but you certainly is mighty lucky; there
was some acters in this cyar las' night, an' ef one of _them_ had found
it--_good-by ring_."
BREAKS
Marshall P. Wilder had just come off the stage at Shea's in Buffalo. His
act had not gone at all to suit him, and he stood shaking his head and
wondering what was the matter. A big, fat acrobat who was closing the
show noticed him and said,
"What's the trouble, Kid?"
"I don't know," said Wilder, "but I can't seem to make them laugh."
"Augh, don't you worry about that; you ain't supposed to; you draw 'em
in; _we'll_ make 'em laugh."
* * * * *
A girl who was opening the show at Keith's Providence house stood in the
wings watching the Four Fords in their wonderful dancing act. At the end
they came off, panting and gasping from their violent exercise. The girl
watched them a moment pityingly, then said,
"Tough work, ain't it? I used to do all that stuff; but I found there
wasn't any money in it, and I cut it out."
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Give 'Em the Gravy."]
Robert Hilliard came off the stage at the Fifth Avenue Theater in New
York; the house was small and he had not gone very well. A big, rough,
knockabout comedian stood waiting his own turn to go on, and seeing
Hilliard looked worried, said to him,
"What's the matter, Bo?"
"They did not seem to care much for my offering," said Hilliard.
"Why sure they don't; you don't hand it to 'em right. Give 'em the
Gravy, Cull, give 'em the Gravy. _I do._"
* * * * *
William Hawtry had made his début in Vaudeville and his friends at the
Lambs' Club were asking him how he liked it.
"Well," said Mr. Hawtry, "I must say I found the audience very
responsive; and the theater employés were very kind; but I met some of
the strangest people, among the Artists, that I ever saw."
Upon being asked wherein they were strange, he replied,
"Why, there is a fellow dressing with me who has the largest diamonds
and the dirtiest underwear I ever saw."
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NEW YORK AND CANANDAIGUA
We were touring in our auto from New Hampshire out to Buffalo. For
several days everything had gone well. And then, within ninety miles of
Buffalo, everything went wrong at once. I had had two blow-outs the
previous day, and had bought two casings. Then, just as we were coming
into Canandaigua my whole transmission went. This was ten or twelve
years ago, and the nearest thing Canandaigua had to a garage was a tin
shop. I got the car pulled in under a wagon shed and put in eighteen
hours building a new transmission out of an old copper pump and a
rainspout.
Buying the two casings had "broke" me, and now I had a two-days' hotel
bill for four people, and nothing to pay it with. Fine! But with my most
winning way I went up to the desk and said to the old landlord,
"Mr. Landlord, I am in rather an embarrassing fix. I owe you a bill and
I have no money."
The landlord was a quaint, silent old fellow, with thick glasses and a
very disconcerting stare. He now used this stare hard and said nothing.
So I hastened to add--
"Of course I have got money, but I haven't got it with me; and I shall
have to give you a check."
He just gave a little sniff and turned his head and glanced up at a
framed card above the desk which read--
+-----------------+
|NO CHECKS CASHED.|
+-----------------+
"But," I hastened to add, "I'll tell you what I would like to have you
do. You telegraph, at my expense of course, to Mr. Murphy, of the
Genesee Hotel, or Mr. Shea, at Shea's Theater, and I think they will
assure you that Will Cressy's check is good."
He sniffed again and looked at me through those big glasses, and I began
to get rattled in earnest. There must be some way; I must have
something that will convince this man I am not a crook. I have it! My
Identification Card from my insurance company. Hastily getting out my
pocketbook I showed him this card.
"I can show you all right that I am Will Cressy. See? Here is my
picture; and how heavy I am; and how tall; and the color of my eyes; and
hair; and my signature."
Anxiously I looked up at him again. And I hadn't touched him. I began to
get desperate. Frantically I searched through my pocketbook for
_something_ that would show my identity. I dragged out my different Club
Cards.
"See!" I said, "I belong to the Lambs' Club, in New York; and the
Friars; and the Green Room Club; and the Touring Club of America; and
the Vaudeville Comedy Club."
I stopped; almost tearfully I looked at him. I could do no more. He
sniffed again, shifted his weight from one foot to the other and said,
"You're a hell of a feller when you're home, ain't ye?"
* * * * *
As I was going to the theater in Indianapolis I passed two ladies who
were busily discussing a third.
"You know she can't hear very well," said one.
"No, I see she can't," said the other.
* * * * *
"Bobbie" Richardson was not feeling very well, and for the past four
nights had been taking a couple of pills each night. The fifth night
Mrs. Bobbie happened to glance over toward him just as he was about to
take his two pills.
"Bobbie," she said with a gasp, "what are you doing?"
"I am taking a couple of my pills," replied Bobbie.