A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table.
THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you.
ERMYNTRUDE [raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at it]. How
long has that been standing at the top of the stairs?
THE PRINCESS [terrified]. Oh please! It doesn't matter.
THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, madam,
believe me.
ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here.
THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager?
ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare you
treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of pothouse is
this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of quality? Take away your
cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give them to the chambermaid you were
flirting with whilst Her Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea
at once; and do not presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a
civil waiter who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on
commercial travellers.
THE WAITER. Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody. Two
years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was crowded with
the flower of the aristocracy and the higher bourgeoisie from nine to
six every day. But the war came; and my patients were ordered to give
up their luxuries. They gave up their doctors, but kept their week-end
hotels, closing every career to me except the career of a waiter.
[He puts his fingers on the teapot to test its temperature, and
automatically takes out his watch with the other hand as if to count the
teapot's pulse.] You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife
of a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: what can
you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt to establish a
second-hand business failed last Tuesday week? Have you the heart to
complain to the manager? Have we not suffered enough? Are our miseries
nev---- [the manager enters]. Oh Lord! here he is. [The waiter withdraws
abjectly, taking the tea tray with him.]
THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent
inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I venture
to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us with your
presence.
THE PRINCESS [rising anxiously]. Oh! am I in the way?
ERMYNTRUDE [sternly]. Sit down, madam. [The Princess sits down
forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager.] Her Highness
will require this room for twenty minutes.
THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes!
ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper apartment
in a respectable hotel.
THE MANAGER. I do not understand.
ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her Highness a
room on the second floor?
THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. At
least--
ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least?
THE MANAGER. It is occupied.
ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is not
occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the five-fifteen
express, from which you hope to pick up some fat armaments contractor
who will drink all the bad champagne in your cellar at 5 francs a
bottle, and pay twice over for everything because he is in the same
hotel with Her Highness, and can boast of having turned her out of the
best rooms.
THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know that Her
Highness was at all particular.
ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's graciousness. You
impose on her with your stories. You give her a room not fit for a dog.
You send cold tea to her by a decayed professional person disguised as a
waiter. But don't think you can trifle with me. I am a lady's maid; and
I know the ladies' maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe
and all the millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the
second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a curate
with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its dust off my
feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once.
THE MANAGER [appealing to the Princess]. Can Your Highness believe this
of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your Highness?