He turned and walked to and fro, his white face set and hard. She
watched him, reading him, trembling for him, with that intuitive
knowledge of his strength and his weakness which is an instinct with a
woman who loves much.
He swung around suddenly and faced her. "And you?" he asked, with great
bitterness.
She met his eyes bravely; she tried to speak but it was too much.
John caught her in his arms. "You do love me still?" he cried
passionately.
"With all my heart!" she said, for one blind moment swept away, and,
yielding to her own grief and his rebellion, she clung to him. Then she
recalled herself, her heart struggled back to meet fate again. "John,
we must part now--I'd hoped to keep your friendship, but we've lost
even that--there was, after all, no middle course."
"Do you think I'll give you up now? This marriage is a mockery; it's
got to be annulled."
She looked up at him, struggling to be calm. "John, I've always
believed in you, I've always trusted you; I trust you now to help me to
do right. I'm weak; I'm broken down; you know it, you've felt it--help
me to be myself!"
"I can't, and it isn't right, it's an outrage; who ever heard of such
a thing? Eva has no right to your life, Belhaven has no right to
you--you're mine!"
"I'm not yours while I'm his wife," she said steadily, and she slipped
out of his arms and stood trembling.
"His wife!" John laughed bitterly. "You're not, you can't remain his
wife, loving me. I can't think that of you, Rachel!"
"Don't think it. I couldn't."
"And you call it right to keep up this sham? It's a lie, Rachel, a
living lie!"
She wrung her hands in a kind of agony. "John, I can't bear much more;
you'll have to leave me now. Give me a little time, I--I can't bear it!"
"My darling, forgive me!"
"Don't, John," she sobbed, "don't kiss me again--I've got to give you
up."
"I won't give you up."
"I've no right to disgrace poor Eva, to disgrace Astry; he's had enough
to bear, and that's what it would cost. Can't you see it?"
"It needn't, but Belhaven must release you, I'll make him."
"John, I can't do it. I love you, let me believe in you."
"Have I got to suffer for Belhaven?"
She slipped down on her knees beside a chair, and burying her head on
her arms, gave way to her grief. The spiritual agony had given birth to
agony of the body and she wept bitterly. He tried to raise her in his
arms but she resisted, still weeping.
"Rachel, you'll make me kill Belhaven."
She looked up at that, her eyes still full of tears.
"John, I did it of my own free will. The man has suffered too; it's
cruel to him, I can't disgrace and ruin him now. I can't betray Eva,
I can't simply think of my own happiness; I'm not like that! I did it
myself. I thought you didn't care; I was angry, blind, and, yes, I did
want to save my sister, but I've often thought that perhaps I wouldn't
have done it but for my anger. I deserve to be punished, and I've got
to bear it somehow. What would be the use of it all if, at the first
temptation, I gave in and told the world the whole miserable story?
When mother was dying she made me promise to be good to Eva; she said
she might need all that I could give, she knew her! I can't disgrace
her. She's heart-broken about it all, she's sorry; I think I can bring
her back to her husband. It's worth trying, John. I've always believed
in you, I've always trusted you; help me to be true to myself, help
me--because you love me!"
"I can't give you up."
She turned away from him, struggling hard for more composure. "Give me
a little time, John. I--I can't bear any more now!"
"You mean you want me to go now? I'll do your bidding, Rachel, but I'll
never give you up; I can't."
"Oh, I know--I know, but go--please, John, I can't answer now--I can't
do wrong."
"I'm going--you see I'm not trying to force it; I won't even touch you,
but I won't give you up."
She did not answer, but stood with bowed head, the charm and grace
of her figure outlined against the soft, warm glow of the room, her
hands wrung together to hide their trembling. He turned at the door and
looked back at her and she tried to smile. There is sometimes mortal
agony behind a smile.
"Because I love you, John," she said, with a gesture of appeal.
He turned with a groan and went out into the night.