and sparkle of the city outside. It looked very beautiful. Jack was out
there somewhere. He had to be; he couldn’t have gone away, not this
soon. His note sounded too much as if he were going to look for her, as
if he knew he and Terry couldn’t last, and he would have to search her
out and make her try again.
Laura swept some pajamas and shoes off her bed and sat down with a
curious feeling of elation and exhaustion. She stretched out, still
fully dressed, and gazed at the ceiling.
_I’ll find him_, she thought. _Terry was staying at the Bell Towers. I
heard him say so. Somebody’ll know where they are._ She felt very tired
and she was surprised to find that she was crying again. There seemed to
be no reason for it, except that she was having a baby. And it belonged
to Jack too, and that made her smile through the tears.
A little later, when she dimly realized she was falling asleep, she
thought of Beebo, and the thought twisted in her heart like a pain and
almost brought her awake again. But it was over for Beebo now. Her life
lay in another direction. Laura had to save Jack, and somehow, in the
saving of him, would come her own life and strength. She knew it now,
and it gave her the first peace she had known in all the years since she
had first realized that she was a Lesbian.
Only the lightest rustle of air awakened her. She opened her eyes. It
was still deep night; the room was dark except for the small bedlamp she
had switched on when she lay down. And yet she was wide awake, and she
knew he was there.
Laura turned and saw him standing in the doorway to the bedroom,
disheveled, his hands in his pockets, his round horn rims sliding down
his nose. She came up suddenly on her elbow, so fast that her head swam
a little.
They looked at each other in silence for a minute; first startled, then
embarrassed.
“Jack?” Laura said timidly, the way she had whispered it to the empty
rooms earlier in the evening. And again her own voice awed her into
silence.
He straightened and walked slowly toward her bed. At the foot, he
stopped, his hands still in his pockets, his tie loosened, his shirt a
little gray. His face was serious and tense, as if he were quite ready
to believe she was a mirage.
At last he spoke to her softly. “I’ve been coming back every night. I
was hoping ... I thought you might....” He stopped, shutting his eyes
for a minute as if to search for composure.
Laura sprang up to her knees on the bed and put her arms around him.
“I’m here,” she cried. “I’m home, I love you, I won’t leave again,
Jack.”
But he loosened her arms gently. “I don’t believe you,” he said. “I’m
afraid to.”
“Believe me,” she exclaimed passionately. “Jack darling, please believe
me.”
“We were going to leave for San Francisco Thursday,” he said, still
slightly incredulous. “Terry and I. I promised him, if you didn’t come
back.”
“When did he ever keep a promise to _you_?”
“I love him, Laura,” he reminded her.
That stopped her for a minute. She bowed her head and cast about
desperately for something to say, something to convince him forevermore,
as she herself was now convinced, that it was their only hope to make
this marriage work.
“Jack, I’d have gone anywhere in the world to find you,” she said,
unable to look at him while she talked for fear the sight of his face
would make her cry again. “I’ve had to hurt so many people—too many—to
learn my lessons. And I was hurt as badly as the others. I’ve made
mistakes, ugly ones, and I’ve been selfish and silly. But I’ve been
trying, I have, Jack! And I’ve been learning. I—I—love you.” She looked
up at him now and for the very first time, in all their long
acquaintance, she felt a pleasant flush in her cheeks at the sight of
him. Him ... a man. She felt flustered suddenly, unable to go on
speaking.
Jack saw it too after a moment, disbelieving it at first and then
accepting it slowly, with wonderment. “Laura,” he said. “Do you still
believe we’re just a couple of scared kids? Do you still believe we’re
running away from the world by marrying each other? Do you think we’re
going to spend our whole lives running after a love that doesn’t exist?”
“No,” she whispered.
“You’re still my wife,” he said softly, and put his arms around her now,
at last, and made her tingle with awkward new feelings and unbearable
tenderness. “Do you want to live with me again? As my wife?”
“Yes, Jack.” It wasn’t the passionate unreasoning yes she had flung at
Beebo in desperation two weeks ago. It was quiet and intensely felt. It
was a recognized necessity, but a beautiful one.
“For how long?” he asked skeptically.
“I’m your wife,” she repeated gently to him. “I’ll stay with you now.”
There was a new sound, a new tone in her voice that caught in his heart.
As for Laura she was once more bewildered by an unexpected tide of
emotion that made it impossible for her to look at him. “Say yes, Jack,”
she whispered. “Say it’s all right. Please, before I start crying
again.”
He took her head in his hands and kissed her forehead and said, “It’s
all right. It’s all right honey,” and suddenly they clung hard to each
other and Laura began to sob with relief and joy. She could hardly
articulate, trying to spill her lovely secret to him. “Jack, Jack, it
worked. We’re going to have a baby! Darling, we’re going to have a
baby!”
She felt his arms tighten till she lost her breath and when she looked
up at him this time, with her face blotched and her eyes red and her
lips curved into a smile, he found himself crying happily with her.
When he could talk, he murmured into her neck, “I saw the letter in the
box. It came two days after you left. The damn thing terrified me. I
swear, Laura, I couldn’t open it, I couldn’t even touch it. I wouldn’t
even _look_ at the damn mailbox. I was hoping so much it would be
true—and so damn afraid if it was you wouldn’t come back. That I’d lost
you and you might have to have it alone and you wouldn’t want it or love
it—”
“Oh, stop,” she begged. “Jack, darling, stop.”
And they fell back on the bed together, crying and laughing and touching
each other’s faces.
“My God!” Jack exclaimed suddenly, aware of his weight on her. “Did I
hurt you? You ought to take it easy, honey.” But she chuckled at him.
“If you knew what this poor baby has been through already you wouldn’t
have a single qualm about it,” she said, smiling.
He stroked her face with such an expression of love that she had to shut
her eyes again. “I love you, Jack. I keep telling you that. I don’t know
why, it just seems like I have to. Like I really believe it myself now,
for the first time. I love you.”
And he kissed her mouth then. It had never happened before but it was
right and wonderful.
They lay in each other’s arms and talked and made plans. They talked
about Beebo and Terry, about themselves, about their baby, about life
and how good it was when you were brave enough to face it.
Laura was afraid of Terry still. “Where is he?” she asked.
“God only knows,” Jack shrugged. “I left him in his room at the Towers.
I’ve been doing this every night since you left. No drinking, no
cruising, until I’ve checked the apartment to make sure you haven’t come
back. I just told him, ‘If I don’t make it back some night you’ll know
she came home. Don’t wait for me.’ I don’t suppose he waited very long,
either. He’s not the type.” He looked down at her, his face serious
again and frowning. “What about Beebo?” he said.
“It’s over. She knew it long ago. I finally realized it, too.” She
raised her eyes to his. “I’m not in love with her now. Maybe I never
was. But I respect her and admire her. She’s amazing. And much stronger
than I ever gave her credit for. I wish to God I could change some
things—”
“Don’t play that game, darling,” he said quickly. “That’s the surest way
to break your heart and lose your mind. Save yourself for now. And for
later. Save yourself for me and the baby.” He leaned down and kissed her
again and, silent and amazed at herself, she returned his kiss with
warmth.
“Besides,” he added, whispering into her ear, “Somebody’s got to clean
up the apartment.”
“I’ll take the living room. You can have the kitchen,” she offered.
“Thanks.” He grinned and pulled her close in his arms, and she didn’t
resist him; just nestled against his warm body and relaxed in the circle
of his strength, a real strength, a man’s strength. It felt very good to
her.
“After all, we aren’t expecting any visitors today, are we?” he said
sleepily into her long light hair.
“Not a soul,” she murmured. She wondered, in that violet twilight before
sleep, how long it would take her to get used to this closeness with
him. She was so comfortable ... more comfortable, it seemed, and more
safe than she had ever been.
And they fell asleep together with the sigh of relief and hope that only
the lost, who have found themselves, can feel.
Transcriber’s Notes
This text was transcribed from the unchanged reprint edition in the
collection _HOMOSEXUALITY. Lesbians and Gay Men in Society, History and
Literature_, Arno Press: New York, 1975. Materials from a later date
than the original publication year 1959, such as series title, editorial
information, or publisher advertisements, have been omitted.
The original spelling was mostly preserved. A few obvious typographical
and punctuation errors as well as variations in hyphenation were
silently amended. All other changes are shown here (before/after):
[p. 15]:
... have feeling?” ...
... have feelings?” ...
[p. 53]:
... knew it meant she had spend the day at Julian’s or the
Cellar ...
... knew it meant she had spent the day at Julian’s or the
Cellar ...
[p. 71]:
... the worst had been. Beebo was using it an as excuse to sit ...
... the worst had been. Beebo was using it as an excuse to sit ...
[p. 85]:
... fact that he was male and strong and full off affection for
her. ...
... fact that he was male and strong and full of affection for
her. ...
[p. 93]:
... play it that way, too. “Can I use your phone,” she asked. ...
... play it that way, too. “Can I use your phone?” she asked. ...
[p. 95]:
... Laura started at her, dumbfounded, for some seconds, before ...
... Laura stared at her, dumbfounded, for some seconds, before ...
[p. 96]:
... He slipped his coat off without a word, dropped in on the ...
... He slipped his coat off without a word, dropped it on the ...
[p. 97]:
... didn’t give a damn if they were married to not. She had
them ...
... didn’t give a damn if they were married or not. She had
them ...
[p. 98]:
... say. I was cold as hell with him. I tried to keep quiet about
it, ...
... say. I was cold as hell with them. I tried to keep quiet
about it, ...
[p. 113]:
... good mother to it.” ...
... good mother to it?” ...
[p. 142]:
... “Do you knew where he is?” ...
... “Do you know where he is?” ...
[p. 159]:
... “Did she ... every really love me, Milo?” Laura asked it ...
... “Did she ... ever really love me, Milo?” Laura asked it ...