And then there began my lonely life in Yasnaya Polyana, and the energy
which I used to spend on life was and is directed only to this, that I
may endure my sorrowful existence worthily and with submission to the
will of God. I try to occupy myself only with what in some way or
another concerns the memory of Leo Nikolaevich.
I live in Yasnaya Polyana keeping the house and its surroundings as they
were when Leo Nikolaevich was alive, and looking after his grave. I have
kept for myself two hundred desyatins of land with the apple orchard and
the plantations, the making of which had given us such pleasure. The
greater part of the land (475 desyatins), with the fine, carefully
preserved woods, I sold to my daughter Alexandra to be transferred to
the peasants.{73}
I also sold my Moscow house to the municipality,{74} and I sold the last
edition of the works of Leo Tolstoy, and gave all the proceeds to my
children. But they, and particularly the grandchildren, are so numerous!
Including the daughters-in-law and myself, we are now a family of
thirty-eight, and my help was, therefore, far from satisfactory.
I always feel in my heart profound gratitude to the Sovereign Emperor
for granting me a pension, which allows me to live in security and to
keep the manor of Yasnaya Polyana.
Three years have now passed. I look sadly on the havoc in Yasnaya
Polyana, how the trees which we planted are being cut down, how the
beauty of the place is gradually being spoiled, now that everything has
been handed over to the timber-merchants and peasants who frequently
have painful quarrels, now about the land and now about the woods. And
what is going to happen to the manor and the house after my death?
Almost daily I visit the grave; I thank God for the happiness granted to
me in early life, and as to the last troubles between us, I look upon
them as a trial and a redemption of sin before death. Thy will be
done.{75}