["Neckties made of aluminium have just been invented in
Germany."--_Evening Paper._]
Visited my tailor's puddling works to-day. He has some really neat new
pig-iron fabrics for the season. I am thinking of trying his Bessemer
steel indestructible evening-dress suits.
Really this new plan of mineral clothing comes in very usefully when
one is attacked by roughs on a dark night. Floored an assailant most
satisfactorily with a touch of my lead handkerchief.
The only objection I can find to my aluminium summer suiting is its
tendency to get red hot if I stand in the sun for five minutes.
I think I can now safely defy my laundress to injure my patent safety
ironclad steel shirts.
I find, however, that there is no need of a laundress at all. When
one's linen is soiled, sand-paper and a mop will clean it in no time.
My frock-coat has got a nasty kink in it; must send it to be repaired
at the smelting furnace.
* * * * *
ONCE CUT DON'T COME AGAIN!--It was said by _The Figaro_ last week that
Japan would demand "an extra payment of one hundred millions of
taels by China." But surely a hundred million Chinamen would evince
a pig-headed obstinacy in parting with, or being parted from, their
"tails" on any consideration.
* * * * *
"A LIGHTSHIP SUNK."--Impossible! couldn't have been a lightship, it
must have been a very heavy ship.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Daughter_ (_enthusiastically_). "OH, MAMMA! I _MUST_
LEARN BICYCLING! SO DELIGHTFUL TO GO AT SUCH A PACE!"
_Mamma_ (_severely_). "NO THANK YOU, MY DEAR; YOU ARE _QUITE_ 'FAST'
ENOUGH ALREADY!"]
* * * * *