SCHOOL-ROOM HUMOUR.
DR. MACNAMARA _desires to thank the Directors of the_
"SCHOOLMASTER" _for the right to use most of the stories which
follow_. _He desires also to thank his old friends, the teachers
up and down the country, whose anecdotes he is presuming to put
into print._
_All rights reserved_
School-Room
Humour
BY
DR. MACNAMARA, M.P.
THIRD EDITION
"_Faith is what makes you believe what you know to be untrue_"
TRUTHFUL JAMES, aged 10
BRISTOL
J. W. ARROWSMITH LTD., QUAY STREET
LONDON
SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT & COMPANY LIMITED
1913
_First Published_ _1905_
_Second Edition (enlarged)_ _1907_
_Third Edition (with picture cover)_ _1913_
PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION.
The original Edition of _School-Room Humour_ published two years ago
gave so much pleasure to so many people that it has occurred to me that
a new and enlarged edition may prove not entirely unacceptable. I have
therefore added the best from my collection since the first publication;
and now, as then, tender my thanks to the proprietors of the
_Schoolmaster_ and to my friends the elementary school teachers.
T. J. MACNAMARA.
_January, 1907._
PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
_School-Room Humour_ having proved a constant source of enjoyment to an
ever-widening public, the Publishers have pleasure in issuing a third
edition, revised, and with a picture cover, and trust that in its new
dress the little book will continue to provide amusement for a large
circle of readers.
_September, 1913._
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I. _Page_
A LITTLE GENERAL DISQUISITION 9
CHAPTER II.
CHILDREN'S WITTICISMS CRITICALLY CONSIDERED 14
CHAPTER III.
A BUDGET OF QUAINT DEFINITIONS 28
CHAPTER IV.
"I NOW TAKE MY PEN IN HAND" 38
CHAPTER V.
THE RELIGIOUS DIFFICULTY 72
CHAPTER VI.
THE FOND PARENT 89
CHAPTER VII.
LITTLE SCIENTISTS AT SEA 97
CHAPTER VIII.
A MISCELLANEOUS COLLECTION 105
School-Room Humour.
CHAPTER I.
A LITTLE GENERAL DISQUISITION.
TEACHER: "_What does B.C. stand for?_"
SCHOLAR: "_Before Christ!_"
TEACHER: "_Good! Now what does B.A. stand for?_"
SCHOLAR: "_Before Adam!_"
It is not to be denied that the life of the schoolmaster is always
exacting, usually tedious, and occasionally irritating. It is not to be
denied that long-enduring patience, untiring perseverance, and
philosophical resignation are only the first three of the many qualities
essential to success. But still the drudgery of teaching has its
compensations. And they are the more acceptable because of their rare
charm. There, in the schoolmaster's keeping, is the youthful mind. What
may he not do with it? What forgetfulness of the dreary round of toil
the very contemplation of the situation compels! And when his task is
achieved, and the finished product of his labour has passed out into the
world, with what quiet and ineffable satisfaction the schoolmaster
reflects upon the part he played in the making of men. In the days of my
schoolmastering I fell into this mood always--gently carried thence by
some beneficent ministering angel--when wearied and worried at the close
of the long day's toil; and in that mood was more balm than in many
sedatives and more sereneness than in much repose. This is the
schoolmaster's first great compensation.
But there is that other. There is the agreeable amazement that the
working of the fresh child-mind is always provoking. And in this the
schoolmaster is regularly furnished with food for pleasant reflection
and for engaging conjecture day by day throughout the whole of his
pedagogic career. "Child-study" and "Psychology" have in recent times
taken severely scientific shape, and have fallen under the ægis of
Government Departments and into Government Syllabuses. Good! But the
least observant and the least interested of all the schoolmasters of the
land, long before the Board of Education ever added "Child-study" to its
quaint if not exactly terrifying terminology, have never failed to
arrive empirically at certain broad conclusions with regard to the
child-mind which have been reached by practical and altogether
delightful daily experiences. Heaven forbid that I should unduly weary
the reader with disquisitions on these conclusions. But, at any rate, I
may acceptably rehearse some of the experiences.
Now I admit at once that very many of the artlessly amusing things which
are alleged to have been uttered by that prime unconscious humorist, the
schoolboy, are quite apocryphal. They have been ingeniously excogitated
by their unabashed and artful elders for the purpose of creating a
laugh. They used to say that quill pens survived in the office of the
Board of Education in order that the Inspectors and other officials, in
the operation of persistently trimming them, might never be without
something to do. That is absurd. There is always the profitable
preoccupation of manufacturing funny puerile answers to inspectorial
hypothetical questions. Why not? The proceeding is innocent enough. But
it _does_ tend to make one incredulous. For example, I was once told
that a London Board School child defined "_a lie_" as "_an abomination
in the sight of the Lord, but a very present help in time of trouble_."
It is possible, remotely possible. But it is extremely unlikely. Then
when I am told that a youngster described "_the liver_" as "_an infernal
organ_," I see visions of a not fully-occupied civil servant suffering
acutely from an attack of chronic indigestion which has put him badly
off his drive. So, too, when I am told that a Bristol youngster once
wrote, "_The bowels are five in number, namely a, e, i, o and u_," like
the Scotsman, "I hae ma doots!" Then there is the classic answer to the
question: "What proof have we from the Bible that it is not lawful to
have more than one wife"--"_Because it says no man can serve two
masters!_" No child ever said _that_. And belonging to the same category
is the following. The teacher asked: "If one man walking at the rate of
three miles an hour gets half an hour's start of another man walking at
the rate of four miles an hour, when will the second man overtake the
first?" The allegation is that the small boy replied: "_Please, sir, at
the first public-house!_" But I know that small boy. He is a wag, it is
true; but he doesn't wear knickerbockers.
So far as possible, therefore, I will endeavour to reject the apocryphal
in favour of the authentic, giving the former the benefit of the doubt,
of course, if on its merits the humour of the anecdote seems to condone
the illegitimacy of its origin.