Once on a time there was a Goody who had a deaf husband. A good, easy
man he was, but that was just why she thought more of the lad next
door, whom they called “Tom Totherhouse”. Now the lad that served the
deaf man saw very well that the two had something between them, and one
day he said to the Goody:
“Dare you wager ten dollars, mother, that I don’t make you lay bare
your own shame?”
“Yes I dare”, said she; and so they wagered ten dollars. So one day,
while the lad and the deaf man stood thrashing in the barn, the lad saw
that Tom Totherhouse came to see the Goody. He said nothing, but a good
while before dinnertime he turned toward the barn-door, and bawled out
“Halloa!”
“What! are we to go home already?” said the man, who hadn’t given any
heed to what the lad did.
“Yes, we must, since mother calls”, said the lad.
So when they got into the passage, the lad began to hem and cough, that
the Goody might get Tom Totherhouse out of the way. But when they came
into the room, there stood a whole bowl of custards on the table.
“Nay, nay, mother”, cried out the man; “shall we have custards to-day?”
“Yes, that you shall, dear”, said the Goody; but she was as sour as
verjuice, and as cross as two sticks.
So when they had eaten and drank all the good cheer up, off they went
again to their work, and the Goody said to Tom:
“Deil take that lad’s sharp nose, this was all his fault; but now you
must be off as fast as you can, and I’ll come down to you in the mead
with a snack between meals.”
This the lad stood outside in the passage and listened to.
“Do you know, father”, he said, “I think we’d best go down into the
hollow and put our fence to rights, which is blown down, before the
neighbours’ swine get in and root up our meadow.”
“Aye, aye, let’s go and do it”, said the man; for he did all he was
told, good, easy man.
So when the afternoon was half spent, down came the Goody sneaking
along into the mead, with something under her apron.
“Nay, nay, mother”, said the man, “it can’t be you any longer; are we
to have a snack between meals too?”
“Yes, yes, that you shall”, she said; but she was sourer and wilder
than ever.
So they made merry, and crammed themselves with bannocks and butter,
and had a drop of brandy into the bargain.
“I’ll go off to Tom Totherhouse with a snack—shan’t I, mother?” said
the lad. “He’s had nothing between meals, I’ll be bound.”
“Ah! do; there’s a good fellow”, said the Goody, who all at once got as
mild as milk.
As he went along the lad broke a bannock to bits, and dropped the
crumbs here and there as he walked. But when he got to Tom Totherhouse
he said:
“Now, just you take care, for our old cock has found out that you come
too often to see our Goody. He won’t stand it any longer, and has sworn
to drive his axe into you as soon as ever he can set eyes on you.”
As for Tom, he was so frightened he scarce knew which way to turn, and
the lad went back again to his master.
“There’s something wrong”, he said, “with Tom’s plough, and he begs you
to be so good as to take your axe, and go and see if you can’t set it
right.”
Yes, the man set off with his axe, but Tom Totherhouse had scarce
caught sight of him before he took to his heels as fast as he could.
The man turned and twisted the plough round and round, and looked at it
on every side, and when he couldn’t see anything wrong with it he went
off home again; but on the way he picked up the bits of broken bannock
which the lad had let fall. His old dame stood in the meadow and looked
at him as he did this for a while, and wondered and wondered what it
could be her husband was gathering up.
“Oh, I know”, said the lad, “master’s picking up stones, I’ll be bound;
for he has marked how often this Tom Totherhouse runs over here; and
the old fellow won’t stand it any longer; and now he has sworn to stone
mother to death.”
Off went the Goody as fast as her legs could carry her.
“What in the world is it that mother is running after now?” asked the
man, when he reached the spot where she had stood.
“Oh”, said the lad, “maybe the house at home is on fire!”
So there ran the husband behind and the Goody before; and as she ran
she screeched out:
“Ah! ah! don’t stone me to death; don’t stone me to death! and I’ll
give you my word never to let Tom Totherhouse come near me again.”
“Now the ten dollars are mine”, bawled out the lad; and so they were.