ON THE CARE OF DOMESTICS.
There is no point, where the women of this Country need more wisdom,
patience, principle, and self-control, than in relation to those whom
they employ in domestic service. The subject is attended with many
difficulties, which powerfully influence the happiness of families; and
the following suggestions are offered, to aid in securing right opinions
and practice.
One consideration, which it would be well to bear in mind, on this
subject, is, that a large portion of the peculiar trials, which American
women suffer from this source, are the necessary evils connected with
our most valuable civil blessings. Every blessing of this life involves
some attendant liability to evil, from the same source; and, in this
case, while we rejoice at a state of society, which so much raises the
condition and advantages of our sex, the evils involved should be
regarded as more than repaid, by the compensating benefits. If we
cannot secure the cringing, submissive, well-trained, servants of
aristocratic lands, let us be consoled that we thus escape from the
untold miseries and oppression, which always attend that state of
society.
Instead, then, of complaining that we cannot have our own peculiar
advantages, and those of other nations, too, or imagining how much
better off we should be, if things were different from what they are, it
is much wiser and more Christianlike to strive cheerfully to conform to
actual circumstances; and, after remedying all that we can control,
patiently to submit to what is beyond our power. If domestics are found
to be incompetent, unstable, and unconformed to their station, it is
Perfect Wisdom which appoints these trials, to teach us patience,
fortitude, and self-control; and, if the discipline is met, in a proper
spirit, it will prove a blessing, rather than an evil.
But, to judge correctly in regard to some of the evils involved in the
state of domestic service, in this Country, we should endeavor to
conceive ourselves placed in the situation of those, of whom complaint
is made, that we may not expect, from them, any more than it would seem
right should be exacted from us, in similar circumstances.
It is sometimes urged, against domestics, that they exact exorbitant
wages. But what is the rule of rectitude, on this subject? Is it not the
universal law of labor and of trade, that an article is to be valued,
according to its scarcity and the demand? When wheat is scarce, the
farmer raises his price; and when a mechanic offers services, difficult
to be obtained, he makes a corresponding increase of price. And why is
it not right, for domestics to act according to a rule, allowed to be
correct in reference to all other trades and professions? It is a fact,
that really good domestic service must continue to increase in value,
just in proportion as this Country waxes rich and prosperous; thus
making the proportion of those, who wish to hire labor, relatively
greater, and the number of those, willing to go to service, less.
Money enables the rich to gain many advantages, which those of more
limited circumstances cannot secure. One of these, is, securing good
domestics, by offering high wages; and this, as the scarcity of this
class increases, will serve constantly to raise the price of service. It
is right for domestics to charge the market value, and this value is
always decided by the scarcity of the article and the amount of demand.
Right views of this subject, will sometimes serve to diminish hard
feelings towards those, who would otherwise be wrongfully regarded as
unreasonable and exacting.
Another complaint against domestics, is, that of instability and
discontent, leading to perpetual change. But in reference to this, let a
mother or daughter conceive of their own circumstances as so changed,
that the daughter must go out to service. Suppose a place is engaged,
and it is then found that she must sleep in a comfortless garret; and
that, when a new domestic comes, perhaps a coarse and dirty foreigner,
she must share her bed with her. Another place is offered, where she can
have a comfortable room, and an agreeable room-mate; in such a case,
would not both mother and daughter think it right to change?
Or, suppose, on trial, it was found that the lady of the house was
fretful, or exacting, and hard to please; or, that her children were so
ungoverned, as to be perpetual vexations; or, that the work was so
heavy, that no time was allowed for relaxation and the care of a
wardrobe;--and another place offers, where these evils can be escaped:
would not mother and daughter here think it right to change? And is it
not right for domestics, as well as their employers, to seek places,
where they can be most comfortable?
In some cases, this instability and love of change would be remedied, if
employers would take more pains to make a residence with them agreeable;
and to attach domestics to the family, by feelings of gratitude and
affection. There are ladies, even where well-qualified domestics are
most rare, who seldom find any trouble in keeping good and steady ones.
And the reason is, that their domestics know they cannot better their
condition, by any change within reach. It is not merely by giving them
comfortable rooms, and good food, and presents, and privileges, that the
attachment of domestics is secured; it is by the manifestation of a
friendly and benevolent interest in their comfort and improvement. This
is exhibited, in bearing patiently with their faults; in kindly teaching
them how to improve; in showing them how to make and take proper care of
their clothes; in guarding their health; in teaching them to read, if
necessary, and supplying them with proper books; and, in short, by
endeavoring, so far as may be, to supply the place of parents. It is
seldom that such a course would fail to secure steady service, and such
affection and gratitude, that even higher wages would be ineffectual to
tempt them away. There would probably be some cases of ungrateful
returns; but there is no doubt that the course indicated, if generally
pursued, would very much lessen the evil in question.
Another subject of complaint, in regard to domestics, is, their pride,
insubordination, and spirit not conformed to their condition. They are
not willing to be called _servants_; in some places, they claim a seat,
at meals, with the family; they imitate a style of dress unbecoming
their condition; and their manners and address are rude and
disrespectful. That these evils are very common, among this class of
persons, cannot be denied; the only question is, how can they best be
met and remedied.
In regard to the common feeling among domestics, which is pained and
offended by being called "servants," there is need of some consideration
and allowance. It should be remembered, that, in this Country, children,
from their earliest years, are trained to abhor slavery, in reference
to themselves, as the greatest of all possible shame and degradation.
They are perpetually hearing orations, songs, and compositions of all
sorts, which set forth the honor and dignity of freemen, and heap scorn
and contempt on all who would be so mean as to be slaves. Now the term
servant, and the duties it involves, are, in the minds of many persons,
nearly the same as those of slave. And there are few minds, entirely
free from associations which make servitude a degradation. It is not
always pride, then, which makes this term so offensive. It is a
consequence of that noble and generous spirit of freedom, which every
American draws from his mother's breast, and which ought to be
respected, rather than despised. In order to be respected, by others, we
must respect ourselves; and sometimes the ruder classes of society make
claims, deemed forward and offensive, when, with their views, such a
position seems indispensable to preserve a proper self-respect.
Where an excessive sensibility on this subject exists, and forward and
disrespectful manners result from it, the best remedy is, a kind attempt
to give correct views, such as better-educated minds are best able to
attain. It should be shown to them, that, in this Country, labor has
ceased to be degrading, in any class; that, in all classes, different
grades of subordination must exist; and that it is no more degrading,
for a domestic to regard the heads of a family as superiors in station,
and treat them with becoming respect, than it is for children to do the
same, or for men to treat their rulers with respect and deference. They
should be taught, that domestics use a different entrance to the house,
and sit at a distinct table, not because they are inferior beings, but
because this is the best method of securing neatness, order, and
convenience. They can be shown, if it is attempted in a proper spirit
and manner, that these very regulations really tend to their own ease
and comfort, as well as to that of the family.
The writer has known a case, where the lady of the family, for the sake
of convincing her domestic of the truth of these views, allowed her to
follow her own notions, for a short time, and join the family at meals.
It was merely required, as a condition, that she should always dress her
hair as the other ladies did, and appear in a clean dress, and abide by
all the rules of propriety at table, which the rest were required to
practise, and which were duly detailed. The experiment was tried, two or
three times; and, although the domestic was treated with studious
politeness and kindness, she soon felt that she should be much more
comfortable in the kitchen, where she could talk, eat, and dress, as she
pleased. A reasonable domestic can also be made to feel the propriety of
allowing opportunity for the family to talk freely of their private
affairs, when they meet at meals, as they never could do, if restrained
by the constant presence of a stranger. Such views, presented in a kind
and considerate manner, will often entirely change the views of a
domestic, who is sensitive on such subjects.
When a domestic is forward and bold in manners, and disrespectful in
address, a similar course can be pursued. It can be shown, that those,
who are among the best-bred and genteel, have courteous and respectful
manners and language to all they meet, while many, who have wealth, are
regarded as vulgar, because they exhibit rude and disrespectful manners.
The very term, _gentle_man, indicates the refinement and delicacy of
address, which distinguishes the high-bred from the coarse and vulgar.
In regard to appropriate dress, in most cases it is difficult for an
employer to interfere, _directly_, with comments or advice. The most
successful mode, is, to offer some service in mending or making a
wardrobe, and when a confidence in the kindness of feeling is thus
gained, remarks and suggestions will generally be properly received, and
new views of propriety and economy can be imparted. In some cases, it
may be well for an employer,--who, from appearances, anticipates
difficulty of this kind,--in making the agreement, to state that she
wishes to have the room, person, and dress of her domestics kept neat,
and in order, and that she expects to remind them of their duty, in this
particular, if it is neglected. Domestics are very apt to neglect the
care of their own chambers and clothing; and such habits have a most
pernicious influence on their wellbeing, and on that of their children
in future domestic life. An employer, then, is bound to exercise a
parental care over them, in these respects.
In regard to the great deficiencies of domestics, in qualifications for
their duties, much patience and benevolence are required. Multitudes
have never been taught to do their work properly; and, in such cases,
how unreasonable it would be to expect it of them! Most persons, of this
class, depend, for their knowledge in domestic affairs, not on their
parents, who are usually unqualified to instruct them, but on their
employers; and if they live in a family where nothing is done neatly and
properly, they have no chance to learn how to perform their duties well.
When a lady finds that she must employ a domestic who is ignorant,
awkward, and careless, her first effort should be, to make all proper
allowance for past want of instruction, and the next, to remedy the
evil, by kind and patient teaching. In doing this, it should ever be
borne in mind, that nothing is more difficult, than to change old
habits, and to learn to be thoughtful and considerate. And a woman must
make up her mind to tell the same thing "over and over again," and yet
not lose her patience. It will often save much vexation, if, on the
arrival of a new domestic, the mistress of the family, or a daughter,
will, for two or three days, go round with the novice, and show the
exact manner in which it is expected the work will be done. And this,
also, it may be well to specify in the agreement, as some domestics
would otherwise resent such a supervision.
But it is often remarked, that, after a woman has taken all this pains
to instruct a domestic, and make her a good one, some other person will
offer higher wages, and she will leave. This, doubtless, is a sore
trial; but, if such efforts were made in the true spirit of benevolence,
the lady will still have her reward, in the consciousness that she has
contributed to the welfare of society, by making one more good domestic,
and one more comfortable family where that domestic is employed; and if
the latter becomes the mother of a family, a whole circle of children
will share in the benefit.
There is one great mistake, not unfrequently made, in the management
both of domestics and of children; and that is, in supposing that the
way to cure defects, is by finding fault as each failing occurs. But,
instead of this being true, in many cases the directly opposite course
is the best; while, in all instances, much good judgement is required,
in order to decide when to notice faults, and when to let them pass
unnoticed. There are some minds, very sensitive, easily discouraged, and
infirm of purpose. Such persons, when they have formed habits of
negligence, haste, and awkwardness, often need expressions of sympathy
and encouragement, rather than reproof. They have usually been found
fault with, so much, that they have become either hardened or
desponding; and it is often the case, that a few words of commendation
will awaken fresh efforts and renewed hope. In almost every case, words
of kindness, confidence, and encouragement, should be mingled with the
needful admonitions or reproof.
It is a good rule, in reference to this point, to _forewarn_, instead of
finding fault. Thus, when a thing has been done wrong, let it pass
unnoticed, till it is to be done again; and then, a simple request, to
have it done in the right way, will secure quite as much, and probably
more, willing effort, than a reproof administered for neglect. Some
persons seem to take it for granted, that young and inexperienced minds
are bound to have all the forethought and discretion of mature persons;
and freely express wonder and disgust, when mishaps occur for want of
these traits. But it would be far better to save from mistake or
forgetfulness, by previous caution and care on the part of those who
have gained experience and forethought; and thus many occasions of
complaint and ill-humor will be avoided.
Those, who fill the places of heads of families, are not very apt to
think how painful it is, to be chided for neglect of duty, or for faults
of character. If they would sometimes imagine themselves in the place of
those whom they control, with some person daily administering reproof to
them, in the same _tone and style_ as they employ to those who are under
them, it might serve as a useful check to their chidings. It is often
the case, that persons, who are most strict and exacting, and least able
to make allowances and receive palliations, are themselves peculiarly
sensitive to any thing which implies that they are in fault. By such,
the spirit implied in the Divine petition, "forgive us our trespasses as
we forgive those who trespass against us," needs especially to be
cherished.
One other consideration, is very important. There is no duty, more
binding on Christians, than that of patience and meekness under
provocations and disappointment. Now, the tendency of every sensitive
mind, when thwarted in its wishes, is, to complain and find fault, and
that often in tones of fretfulness or anger. But there are few
domestics, who have not heard enough of the Bible, to know that angry or
fretful fault-finding, from the mistress of a family, when her work is
not done to suit her, is not in agreement with the precepts of Christ.
They notice and feel the inconsistency; and every woman, when she gives
way to feelings of anger and impatience, at the faults of those around
her, lowers herself in their respect, while her own conscience, unless
very much blinded, cannot but suffer a wound.
There are some women, who, in the main, are amiable, who seem impressed
with the idea, that it is their office and duty to find fault with their
domestics, whenever any thing is not exactly right, and follow their
fancied calling without the least appearance of tenderness or sympathy,
as if the objects of their discipline were stocks or stones. The writer
once heard a domestic, describing her situation in a family which she
had left, make this remark of her past employer: "She was a very good
housekeeper, allowed good wages, and gave us many privileges and
presents; but if we ever did any thing wrong, she always _talked to us
just as if she thought we had no feelings_, and I never was so unhappy
in my life, as while living with her." And this was said of a
kind-hearted and conscientious woman, by a very reasonable and amiable
domestic.
Every woman, who has the care of domestics, should cultivate a habit of
regarding them with that sympathy and forbearance, which she would wish
for herself or her daughters, if deprived of parents, fortune, and home.
The fewer advantages they have enjoyed, and the greater difficulties of
temper or of habit they have to contend with, the more claims they have
on compassionate forbearance. They ought ever to be looked upon, not as
the mere ministers to our comfort and convenience, but as the humbler
and more neglected children of our Heavenly Father, whom He has sent to
claim our sympathy and aid.[N]
FOOTNOTE:
[N] The excellent little work of Miss Sedgwick, entitled 'Live, and Let
Live,' contains many valuable and useful hints, conveyed in a most
pleasing narrative form, which every housekeeper would do well to read.
The writer also begs leave to mention a work of her own, entitled,
'Letters to Persons engaged in Domestic Service.'