A Practical Joke.
Mr. Keys, who began to be really afraid that the plan he had adopted for
assisting his green messmate to "learn by experience" was about to
rebound with redoubled force on his own head, was found by the orderly
in earnest conversation with Frank, to whom he always went for advice.
"It's getting hot, Nelson," said he. "What shall I do? I'm in for my
share of the rations this time, sure."
"Make a clean breast of it," replied Frank. "You will only get yourself
in trouble if you do not, for the captain knows exactly how the matter
stands."
The mate had already determined to make a full confession; but,
nevertheless, his feelings, as he entered the cabin, were not of the
most pleasant nature. His reception, however, was far different from
what he had expected. The captain, as we have seen, was one of the most
reasonable men in the world, if approached in the proper manner, and if
he saw that an officer endeavored to do his duty, he was very patient
with him; if he found that a reprimand was necessary, it was
administered in the most friendly manner; but if he once took it into
his head that an officer had willfully, or through negligence, omitted a
portion of his duty, then, as the ship's company used to remark, it was
"stand from under." Mr. Keys was a great favorite with the captain, as
he was with all his brother officers, who admired his dashing style and
his good-natured disposition. He was never idle, but was always hurrying
about the ship, as if the well-being of every person on board depended
upon himself, and, as a consequence, his duty was always done, and the
deck of which he had charge was kept in the nicest order.
As he entered the cabin the captain greeted him with a smile. Pointing
to a chair, he inquired, as he commenced turning over the leaves of the
memorandum-book:
"Mr. Keys, is this some of your work?"
"Yes, sir," answered the mate.
"Well, what in the world possessed you to hoodwink Mr. French in this
manner?"
"Because, sir, he has often informed me, when I have undertaken to
instruct him, that he wishes to learn every thing by experience, sir. I
have been assisting him."
"Do you think he has improved any with your help?"
"Yes, sir; he has learned that his authority in the mess-room is not
equal to that of the caterer."
"Well, I thought you had a hand in that affair," said the captain, "and
now I wish to give you a piece of advice. I, myself, have often been in
such scrapes as this, and have been brought up with a round turn. This
reminds me of a little incident that happened while I was a midshipman
on the Colorado. The story has grown old by this time, but it will be
considered a good one as long as the navy shall exist. There were eight
of us in the mess, and while we were lying at the navy-yard we had
nothing to do but to play tricks upon each other, and upon every one who
came in our way. Our ship was commanded by a commodore who never
bothered his head about us so long as we remained within bounds. As is
always the case, we abused our privileges, grow's bolder by degrees,
until finally the commodore taught us a lesson that we never forgot.
"One pleasant afternoon, as we were lounging about the decks, waiting
for something to turn up, we saw a green-looking specimen of humanity
come over the side, and, in an instant, were on the alert. He, probably,
had never been on board of a man-o'-war before, for he stared with open
mouth at every thing he saw. Here was a chance for us, and as soon as
the officer of the deck had walked aft, out of sight, we collared the
countryman, and led him back to our mess-room.
"'By gum, but you have got every thing nice here,' said he. 'I'd like
this better than workin' on a farm.'
"'Ah, you ought to go up in the commodore's cabin if you want to see
something nice,' said a midshipman, who was our leader in all sorts of
mischief. 'But, look here, my friend, if you wish to remain with us, you
must have on a uniform. No civilians are allowed to stay here.'
"We all took this as a hint, and commenced rigging the Yankee out in
our clothes. One furnished him with a coat, another a pair of pants,
another a cap, and I gave him a sword that had just been presented to
me.
"'Now,' said our leader, 'do you want a good dinner--one of the very
best?'
"'Sartin,' replied the countryman. 'Got any?'
"'No; but the commodore has, and it is just about his dinner time.'
"We then explained to him that he must go up to the cabin and tell the
commodore that he had just been ordered to the ship; and, in accordance
with his usual custom, the old gentleman would be certain to invite him
to dinner.
"'He is very cross sometimes,' said we, 'but don't be at all afraid of
him--he doesn't mean any thing. Talk to him as though he was your
father.'
"'By gum, I kin do that,' said the Yankee, and off he walked, while we
took up a position where we could hear and see all that passed.
"The commodore was seated at his desk, writing, and the countryman at
once walked up to him, slapped him familiarly on the shoulder, and
shouted:
"'Hullo, ole hoss! how de do? Shake hands with a feller, won't ye?'
"The commodore looked up in surprise, and ejaculated:
"'Eh! What do you want here? Get out of this. Away you go.'
"'O no, ole hoss, not by a long shot,' replied the Yankee, coolly
seating himself in the nearest chair. 'Them ar young fellers down stairs
told me to come up here and git some dinner; and, by gravy, I ain't
goin' till I git it; so fetch it on.'
"Of course, it was as plain as daylight to the commodore that we were at
the bottom of the whole affair, for the countryman never would have had
the audacity to act in such a manner, unless some one had put him up to
it, and he determined to punish us in a manner that we had not thought
of.
"'Look here, my man,' said he, 'do you see that soldier out there?'
pointing to a marine that was pacing back and forth before the gangway.
'Well, he has got a loaded musket, and unless you get off this ship
instantly, he will shoot you. Now, away you go, you land-lubber, and
don't stop to talk to any body.'
"We saw our victim moving off, and were convulsed with laughter at what
we considered to be the best joke we had ever perpetrated. We supposed,
of course, that he would return with our clothes, but you can imagine
our astonishment when we saw him walk down the gang-plank and out on to
the wharf. We held a hurried consultation, and then I started for the
cabin, and, making my best bow, asked permission to step ashore for a
moment.
"'No, sir,' replied the commodore; 'no shore liberty is to be granted
to-day.'
"In short, we all lost our clothing--every thing that we had loaned the
countryman--and a more crest-fallen set of midshipmen one never saw. We
endeavored to keep the affair a secret, but the commodore told it to the
first lieutenant, and from him it soon spread, until the entire ship's
company were acquainted with the particulars. We were very careful after
that, and never undertook to play any more jokes on the commodore. There
are many things objectionable in this custom--for I can call it nothing
else--which is so general among young officers, of playing off tricks
upon each other; and your jokes are getting a little too practical. If
you must indulge in them, I wish you would endeavor to keep them out of
the cabin, for I don't like to be bothered. That will do, sir."
Mr. Keys retired, highly pleased with the result of his interview with
the captain, and went straight to Frank, to whom he related every thing,
and showed him the sham "regulation" in his memorandum-book, which had
been the cause of so much merriment.
Mr. French was soon afterward seen to emerge from the cabin, where he
had listened to a lengthy lecture, containing advice which, if followed,
would in future prevent all difficulty. Of course, all the officers were
soon made acquainted with the affair, and many were the inquiries, in
Mr. French's hearing, as to what kind of an apology the captain had
made. It is needless to say that he was fully convinced that "experience
is a hard taskmaster," and that it is well enough, especially on
shipboard, to take advice.
A few days after the events which we have just been relating transpired,
the Ticonderoga arrived at Yazoo River. In obedience to his orders,
Frank reported on board the flag-ship. Owing to a press of business, it
was nearly a week before the court of inquiry was convened. Scarcely an
hour was passed in the examination of the witnesses, during which time
the main facts of the case were developed, Frank completely vindicated,
and Mr. Howe, who had reported him, was sent on board of ship in
disgrace. The same evening the former received his promotion as acting
ensign, accompanied by orders to report on board of the Trenton for
duty.
"I am very glad, for your sake, Mr. Nelson," said the captain, "to be
able to give you this promotion, but very sorry for my own. I regret
exceedingly that you are detached from this vessel, but it is something
over which I have no control. I am perfectly satisfied with your conduct
since you have been with me. If you will attend to your duties in future
as well as you have since you have been here, I will answer for your
rapid advancement."