"Whenever I am in London," writes an American journalist, "I never miss
the House of Commons." Nor do we, during the Recess.
* * *
"If Lord KENYON wishes, I am prepared to fight him with any weapon he
chooses to name at any time," announced Sir CLAUDE CHAMPION DE CRESPIGNY
recently to a representative of _The Star_. In sporting circles it is
thought that, in spite of his recent declaration, Mr. C. B. COCHRAN may
consent to stage the encounter.
* * *
At the Air Conference last week Lieut.-Colonel MOORE-BRABAZON, M. P.,
said the Government should appoint experts to control the weather. It
looks as if _The Daily Mail_ was not going to have things all its own
way.
* * *
"The object of Poland," says M. DOMBSKI, "is peace, hard work and
production." These were at one time the object of England, and she still
hopes to get peace.
* * *
Mr. PUSSYFOOT JOHNSON has told a Glasgow audience that he is no
kill-joy, but smokes cigars. It is also said that he has been seen going
the pace playing dominoes.
* * *
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away." We can only add that the price
of apples is enough to keep anybody away.
* * *
"What is a Penny Roll?" asks a headline. The answer is "Three
half-pence."
* * *
The average boarding-house, says a gossip writer, is not what it seems.
No, unfortunately it is what it is.
* * *
We understand that the world's record fast has been accomplished by a
Scotsman, who has succeeded in remaining in Prohibition America for
seven months and three days.
* * *
South Sea Islanders, when greeting friends, says _Tit Bits_, fling a jar
of water over them. Cats on night duty are now putting a kindlier
interpretation on the treatment they receive.
* * *
An employee at a coal-mine in Ohio is reported to have died from
overwork. There is consolation in the fact that this could not possibly
happen in England.
* * *
Three Glasgow workmen have started on a walk to London. With the
possibility of a vote in favour of a dry Scotland we suppose they
started early to avoid the rush.
* * *
It is still very doubtful whether JACK DEMPSEY can meet JESS WILLARD,
says a sporting paper. A dear old lady thinks he might get over the
difficulty by dropping him a letter.
* * *
It is reported that the captain of a village fire brigade recently
declined to call his men out to a fire because it was raining.
Unfortunately the owner of the fire was too busy to keep it going till
the first fine day.
* * *
A clerk employed behind the counter at a post-office in the South of
England recently rescued a young girl from drowning. In order to show
their appreciation of the young man's bravery, local residents have now
decided to purchase their stamps at his post-office.
* * *
"Life is uncertain and often full of trouble," bewails a writer in the
"Picture" Press. Still, in our opinion it's the only thing worth living.
* * *
On two separate occasions last week a cat entered one of the largest
churches in Yorkshire whilst a wedding was in progress. This supports
our belief that feline society is contemplating the introduction of more
ceremony into their own marriage system.
* * *
Ex-sailors on the reserve need not be alarmed by the repeated rumours
that a surprise mobilisation of the Fleet may be ordered very shortly,
as we now have it on good authority that, in order to ensure its
complete success, plenty of notice will be given to them beforehand.
* * *
Women are said to be fonder than men are of morbid stage plays. Weddings
also have a greater fascination for them.
* * *
Mr. T. A. EDISON is reported to have invented a machine to record
communication with the other world. As a final experiment an attempt is
to be made to get into touch with the POET LAUREATE.
* * *
The motor-car of polished steel and no paint-work is the latest
innovation. It is said that this will do away with the objection of
pedestrians that under present conditions one cannot be knocked down
without soiling one's clothing.
* * *
"Water," says an official of the Metropolitan Water Board, "costs far
too much to waste to-day." Adulterated with whisky, we believe it costs
about eightpence a time.
* * * * *
Illustration: DIPLOMACY.
_Mistress._ "NORAH, WILL YOU TRY TO HAVE THE STEAK A LITTLE MORE
UNDERDONE?"
_Norah_ (_bristling up_). "IS IT FINDING FAULT YE ARE?"
_Mistress._ "OH, NO, NO! I MERELY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICER FOR YOU NOT
TO REMAIN OVER THE FIRE SO LONG."
* * * * *
The Music of the Future.
"MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS.
For Sale, one small Economic Roller, 1 Brown's triple action Roller,
2 Eastern Produce Roll Breakers, 1 Updraft Sirocco Dryer--all the
above in good order and can be seen working. 1 Saw Mill, good order.
1 Souter's roll Breaker, fair order."--_Ceylon Paper._
* * * * *
"Mr. ---- won L400,000 at Aix-les-Bains. The lucky player, _who was
educated at Harrow_...."--_Daily Paper._
The italics are Mr. Punch's. Are our public schools beginning to
advertise?
* * * * *