* * * * *
_Thursday._--The Irish Members, long quiescent, suddenly resumed former
habit of activity. House owes to AMERY the pleasing variation. He cited
newspaper report of remarks recently made by Captain BELLINGHAM,
aide-de-camp to the LORD-LIEUTENANT OF IRELAND. Inspecting and
addressing body of National Volunteers, he exhorted them to ensure
triumph of Home Rule.
Was this a proper thing to do? Certainly not. ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL,
answering AMERY'S question founded on incident, stated that when Lord
ABERDEEN heard of matter he immediately called for explanation, and
Captain BELLINGHAM frankly acknowledged error of judgment.
Irish Members recognised that in measure the error of judgment was
slight compared with AMERY'S in stirring up this dangerously attractive
pool. As everyone knows, and as House was promptly reminded, Colonel the
Marquis of LONDONDERRY and Colonel Lord KILMOREY, aides-de-camp to HIS
MAJESTY, have on more than one occasion, when inspecting Ulster
Volunteers, urged them to stand indomitable in resistance to
establishment of Home Rule in their Northern Province. Irish Members
want to know whether these noble and gallant gentlemen have been called
upon to make explanation of their conduct similar to that peremptorily
exacted from Captain BELLINGHAM.
PREMIER not to be drawn into delicate controversy. Pleaded lack of
notice of questions put to him. Irish Members will be delighted to
provide it. Shall hear more on the subject next week.
_Business done._--The INFANT SAMUEL, appearing in new calling as
President of Local Government Board, carries vote for his Department by
rattling majority of 127.
* * * * *
CORRESPONDENCE.
_To the Editor of "The Oblate Spheroid."_
SIR,--I congratulate you on your new departure. The time is ripe for
Politics without Partisanship. I look to you for scathing denunciations
of the arch humbugs who now wear the mantle of the once great Liberal
Party.
Yours, etc.,
"PATRIOT."
SIR,--I hail with joy your abandonment of Party Shibboleths, and await
your exposure of ASQUITH, LLOYD GEORGE and all such traitors.
Yours, etc.,
"IMPARTIAL."
SIR,--You will find it hard to live up to your professions, but the
thinking Public will support you.
We need a judicial paper that will set truth above Party considerations,
revealing, incidentally, the devilish character of the REDMOND-cum-Cabinet
compact.
Yours, etc.,
"DULCE ET DECORUM."
* * * * *
"Pink Chestnut.--When ices are given at a dinner it is usual to
have them, but not otherwise."
_From "Etiquette" in "The Lady_."
It is therefore incorrect, "Pink Chestnut," to produce a private Bombe
Vanille from your handkerchief bag.
* * * * *
"The death of an infant from 'convulsions,' without further
explanation, can never be wholly satisfactory."
_Australian Medical Journal._
It takes a lot to satisfy some people.
* * * * *
Illustration: _Short-sighted Old Lady (to gentleman taking his morning
exercise in the park). "GO AWAY, GO AWAY; YOU SHAN'T PUT A FINGER ON
_MY_ LUGGAGE!"
* * * * *
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
All the world recognises Sir MARTIN CONWAY as a paramount peak-compeller
and explorer of resource, while superior persons, like this learned
clerk, know him as an effective _dilettante_ in the realms of art. In
_The Sport of Collecting_ (FISHER UNWIN), with a general candour, but a
specific, canny (and of course rather tiresome and disappointing)
reticence as to prices, he gives us, in effect, a treatise on the craft
of curio-hunting, gaily illustrated by anecdotes of the bagging of
bronze cats in Egypt, Foppas and Giorgiones in Italian byways, Inca
jewellery in Peru, and heaven knows what and where beside. The authentic
method, apparently, is to mark down your quarry as you enter the
dealer's stockade, to pay no visible attention to it but bargain
furiously over some pretentious treasure which you don't in the least
want; later, admitting with regret your inability to afford the price,
to suggest that as a memento of your pleasant visit you might be
disposed to carry off that odd trifle in the corner over there; then,
bursting with hardly controlled excitement to see your priceless
primitive wrapped in brown paper and thrown into your cab, to drive to
your quarters, hug yourself ecstatically and boast to your friends and
fellow-conspirators about it. Shooting the driven tiger from the howdah
is quite evidently nothing to this royal sport of dealer-spoofing,
especially when the dealer knows a thing or two, as Sir MARTIN bravely
confesses he sometimes does. I wonder if this arch-collector, when he
discovered his best piece, Allington Castle (of which he discourses with
such pleasant and knowledgable enthusiasm), turned a contemptuous back
on the battlements and made a casual offer for the moat. A most
diverting book.
* * * * *
The name of MADAME YOI PAWLOWSKA is new to me; but if her previous books
were anything like so good as _A Child Went Forth_ (DUCKWORTH) I am
heartily sorry to have missed them. There have been many books written
about childhood, and the end of them is not yet in sight; but I have
known none that so successfully attains the simplicity that should
belong to the subject. You probably identify the title as a quotation
from WALT WHITMAN, about the child that went forth every day, "and the
first object that he looked upon, that object he became." The child in
the present instance was one _Anna_, who went forth in the Hungarian
village where she was born, and saw and became a number of picturesque
and amusing things, all of which her narrator has quite obviously
herself recalled, and sat down in excellent fashion. I don't want you to
run away with the idea that _Anna_ was a good or even a pleasant child.
Anything but that. The things she did and said furnished a more than
sufficient reason for her father to threaten again and again to send her
to school in England. The book ends with the realisation of this, which
had always been to _Anna_ as a kind of shadowy horror in the background
of life. We are not told which particular English school was favoured
with her patronage, nor how she got on there. I was too interested in
her career not to be sorry for this omission; and that shall be my
personal tribute to her attractions.
* * * * *
There are few persons who can write love stories with a surer and more
tender touch than KATHARINE TYNAN. So I expect that many gentle souls
will share my pleasure in the fact that she has just put together a
volume of studies in this kind under the amiable title of _Lovers'
Meetings_ (WERNER LAURIE). Personally my only complaint about them is
that in a short story lovers' meetings mean the journey's end, and I
wished to spend a longer time in the society of many of the agreeable
characters of Mrs. HINKSON'S studies. Take for example the first--and my
own favourite--of the series. There really isn't anything special in
it--and yet there is everything. What happened was that _Challoner_, a
confirmed bachelor, went to the Dublin quay to see off a friend on the
boat to Holyhead. The friend didn't turn up; but a young governess, with
whom _Challoner_ had only the slightest previous acquaintance, was going
by the boat--so _Challoner_ went with her, and they were married, and
lived happy ever after. You may think that this doesn't sound very
probable, and perhaps it doesn't; but it is so charmingly
told--_Challoner's_ growing delight in the initial mistake that confuses
the pair as man and wife is so alluringly developed, and the whole
little episode of twenty pages has such a way with it as to take your
credulity a willing captive. This was my individual choice; but there
are fifteen others of various styles; some mild detective studies, and a
pathetic little ghost story that recalls to me one of KIPLING'S best.
Altogether an attractive collection, very far above many such that have
appeared lately.
* * * * *
Mr. WILKINSON SHERREN, in his new novel, _The Marriage Tie_ (GRANT
RICHARDS), is very serious about the hypocrisies of the virtuous and the
injustice of our moral conventions. Other writers before him have been
serious about these things, and I do not know that Mr. SHERREN has
anything very new to say. I must also confess to thinking that a sense
of humour would have assisted him greatly in his task. Nevertheless his
readers are certain to sympathise with his beautiful heroine in her
dismay at her unfortunate illegitimacy, and she is a good girl with a
great regard for the feelings of all her friends, even though she
expresses this regard a little stiffly. Mr. SHERREN uses his background
well, and many of his scenes would be effective if only his characters
were debarred from dialogue. It would be, I am sure, beyond _Johanna's_
powers, were she limited to the deaf and dumb alphabet, to convey such a
speech as this: "I wish you to consent to your father's suggestions,
dear. By doing so you do not injure me, and you cheer his declining
days. I am sure your dear mother wishes it." Her methods would become
something much brusquer and more direct. I doubt if Mr. SHERREN is at
his best in a novel. An essay on the confused issues of illegitimacy and
the punishment of the children for the sins of their fathers would show
him, I am convinced, at his ease; but dialogue and a beautiful heroine
are an embarrassment to him.
* * * * *
In a volume of tales and sketches entitled _The Mercy of the Lord_
(HEINEMANN) Mrs. FLORA ANNIE STEEL revives pleasant memories of her
Indian romances once beloved by me. In these new stories everybody
dies--if Europeans, with the latest slang upon their lips; if natives,
with a lusty invocation to Allah. Mrs. STEEL does not believe in letting
the reader know what she is about, and there is generally something up
her sleeve. Each story has its own little puzzle, and, if the puzzles
are not always solved by the end of the tale, one can make all kinds of
pleasant conjectures as to what really did happen, and Mrs. STEEL'S
mysterious hints and shrugs and fingers on the lip do beyond question
assist her atmosphere. I like best of the stories "Salt of the Earth," a
most moving tale, beautifully told. Always Mrs. STEEL is interesting,
and I hope these sketches are only little preludes to another of her
thrilling romances.
* * * * *
If Mr. BERTRAM SMITH'S _Caravan Days_ (NISBET) has not made me eager to
take to the road at once, the reason is that he seems to delight in
things that I most cordially detest. For instance, he likes cooking and
he is "very fond of rain." With such tastes he has more facilities for
enjoying himself than are offered to most of us, and I find myself
wondering whether life in a caravan, always supposing that he was not
there to do the cooking and admire the rain, would be quite as much fun
as he would have us believe. I am confident that when next he goes upon
his travels the majority of his friends will be anxious to share the
attractions of his _Sieglinda_, that caravan of caravans, but I doubt if
they will be ordering _Sieglindas_ for themselves. Meanwhile, so human
has Mr. BERTRAM SMITH made his _Sieglinda_ that I can well imagine her
sulking in her retirement because she wants to see Argyll, the only
county in Scotland she has not yet sampled.
* * * * *
If you are a musical genius yourself and want to do a young composer a
good turn, I implore you not to get his opera produced under the
pretence that it is yours and wait until it has been received
enthusiastically before you announce whose work it is. For that is what
_Jess Levellier_ did, and "Miss LOUISE MACK" tells us what a deal of
trouble was brought about by this impulsive action. There are several
love stories in _The Music Makers_ (MILLS AND BOON). There is the affair
of _Jess_ and there is the affair of _Jess's_ father; and in regard to
the second of these I would say that I am a little tired of adventurous
women who are first attracted by dollars and then find that they are
head over ears in love with the man himself. But in case you are not
adequately intrigued by either of these romances, I can also tell you
that _Sir William_ (big and burly) and _Trixie Harrison_, though
married, gave considerable cause for anxiety before with "outstretched
hands she went tottering towards him." Even the most jaded novel-readers
will suffer thrills and surprises from _The Music Makers_, and
occasionally, perhaps, they will wonder whether coincidence's long arm
has not been stretched to the point of dislocation. However that may be,
the book is breezy and its author is lavish of her material.
Parsimonious writers would have made half-a-dozen novels out of the
stuff of Mrs. CREED'S book.
* * * * *
Illustration: THE ART OF WINDOW-DRESSING.
_Shop-Manager (sternly, to assistant)._ "SURELY, MR. JENKINS, YOU OUGHT
TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO PUT THE KITCHEN COBBLES IN THE CENTRE VASE.
REMEMBER IN FUTURE THAT IT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS
STRIKE THE KEY-NOTE WITH THE _SELECTED NUTS_."
* * * * *
Illustration: EPILOGUE.
* * * * *
MORE MUNITIONS OF PEACE.
(_An Episode in the Camp of the Nationalist Volunteers._)
Several further months had elapsed in the history of the scheme for the
"better government of Ireland." The Home Rule Bill had been read for the
third time in the Inferior Chamber, but, apart from this conciliatory
action, no effective attempt had been made to avert the horrors of Civil
War.
Meanwhile two coups had been planned, of which the one failed and the
other succeeded. And during the arrangements for the first coup (for it
got no further than the preparatory stage--and even this was denied) it
was revealed that British officers were not very greatly inclined to
shoot down their fellow-countrymen for the sake of the _beaux jeux_ of a
political party. And for this the politicians of that party, selecting
the worst name they could think of, described these officers as
politicians. And the cry of "The Army _v._ the People," started by a
Labour Member (who wore a large hat), and supported by the FIRST LORD OF
THE ADMIRALTY (who wore a small one), was raised very high and then
dropped, as likely to prove inexpedient.
But the other coup (which succeeded) was a very clever feat of
gun-running on the part of the Ulster Volunteers. And, the law having
been broken, the Government, as its guardian, determined to take no
punitive measures--an attitude that was repellent both to Sir WILLIAM
BYLES and to Mr. NEIL PRIMROSE.
And now there grew up in each political party a body of rebellion. For
on the Liberal side there were those, notorious at other seasons for
their advocacy of peace at whatever charges, who gave out that there
were worse things than Civil War, and one of the worse things was the
stultification of their own projects, or, as they put it, of the Will of
the People; though they showed no strong anxiety to discover, by the
usual tests, what the Will of the People might actually be in the
matter.
And on the Unionist side there were those who said that they would do
nothing to provoke Civil War, but that, since it took two sides to
conduct a Civil or any other kind of War, and the British Army was
apparently not available, there was no fear of Civil War, and they (the
Unionist Party) could well afford to stiffen themselves about the lips.
And all this tended to embarrass the labours (if any) of those leaders
who were still supposed to be holding communion together for the
furtherance of a compromise.
Now, among the Ulster Volunteers, though perfect sobriety was exhorted
and maintained, it was excusably felt that it would be a pity if so fine
a force should have been raised and armed at such expense and sacrifice
and then have no chance of showing what it could do. And this feeling
evoked sympathy in the breasts of the Irish of the South and West; and
they said to them of Ulster, "Rather than see your army wasted we will
ourselves raise one for you to shoot at." And this they did, in part for
sheer joy of the chance of a fight, and in part for admiration of the
sportsmanship of a people that had defied a British Government. And
though some joined the new Volunteers for love of Home Rule, and with
the object of offering themselves as substitutes for the British Army,
yet the promoters were content to allege, vaguely and inoffensively,
that their object was just the protection of Irish liberty, whatever
that might be taken to mean. And, being Irish, no exact logic was asked
of them.
But at first Mr. REDMOND, as a supporter of the law, and scandalised by
its breach in Ulster, declined to approve this illegal development,
which for the rest he regarded as negligible. But later, when it had
grown too large to be ignored, he generously consented to overlook its
illegality and to place it under official patronage. But his offer was
received in a spirit of very regrettable independence. On reflection,
however, this attitude was exchanged for one of sullen submission.
Now a private army is a dangerous thing when you know what it is for;
but it is a very dangerous thing when you don't. And there were
cynics--not too frivolous--who held that the best course for the
Government would be to withdraw from Ireland for the time being and
leave Ulster and the Rest to come to an agreement of their own, either
with or without a bloody prelude. And there were other critics--not much
more frivolous--who replied that, if we walked out of Ireland and left
Ulster and the Rest to come to terms, they might get to understand one
another to such good purpose that we should never have the opportunity
of walking in again.
And the Government's only consolation lay in the thought that the Rest
of Ireland lacked the munitions of war owing to the vigilant precautions
taken to prevent the importation of arms into Ulster.
* * * * *
A thrill of emotion rippled over the tented plain. Into the camp of the
Nationalist Volunteers had dashed a motor-car which was taken to be the
forerunner of a great consignment of smuggled arms, for it contained a
bulky wooden case with the label "Munitions of Peace" pasted upon its
façade--a superscription that might well have been designed to mislead
the wariest of coastguards and patrols. Its sole convoy was an old
gentleman--evidently selected for the part, for by his air of simple
benevolence you would have judged him the last man in the world to be
suspected of nefarious practices.
A cry of bitter disappointment broke out on the discovery that the
"munitions" consisted of nothing but books. But the uproar died down as
the old gentleman was seen to assume the attitude of an orator. His
words were at first received in courteous silence; then with sympathetic
approval; finally with deafening applause.
"Nationalist Volunteers!" he said: "I come from performing a similar
mission of camaraderie among the hosts of Ulster. I am no partisan. I am
like a certain philanthropist of whom I have heard who purveyed sherbet
to the rival camps of the Sultan of MOROCCO and the Pretender. I trust
that my fate may not be his, for he was the sole person killed in one of
the noisiest battles ever fought in the environs of Fez.
"This tome, identical with the rest of my munitions of peace, embodies
(for I made the contents myself, and so ought to know) the highest
wisdom mingled with the purest material for mirth. Its contemporaneous
perusal in both camps should encourage a common ideal of humour and so
promote mutual respect and affection.
"I would go even further and express the hope that here may be found a
spirit of genial tolerance which, if assimilated by all parties, will
infallibly lead to a solution of the Irish Question without the
inconvenience of bloodshed. Gentlemen, permit me!" And thereupon he
presented to the admiring gaze of his audience _Mr. Punch's_
ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIXTH VOLUME.
* * * * *
ILLUSTRATION: CARTOON.
ILLUSTRATION: INDEX
PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
After Ten Years, 311
Amending Bill (The), 411
Asquith to the Rescue (An), 271
Couleur d'Orange, 51
Crescendo, 371
Desperate Remedies, 151
Devotee of "The Doctrine" (A), 171
Diversion (A), 331
Dove of Peace (The), 491
From Fife to Harp, 291
Gift Horse (The), 111
Holiday Task (A), 431
Latest Velasquith (The), 211
Missing Word (The), 131
Neptune's Ally, 231
New Bellerophon (The), 91
New Shylock (The), 391
Price of Admiralty (The), 71
"Sincerest Flattery" (The), 451
"There's Many a Slip...", 251
Triumph of the Voluntary System, 471
Ulster King-at-Arms (The), 351
Wooing (The), 191
RAVEN-HILL, L.
After Closing Hours, 243
Black Man's Burden (The), 43
Captains Courageous, 483
Circus of Empire (The), 423
Clean Slate (A), 103
Coalition Touch (The), 403
Concert of South America (The), 383
Easter Egg (An), 263
Exit Tango, 83
Fight for the Banner (The), 283
Giants Refreshed, 443
Gift for Gift, 183
Lightening the Darkness, 223
Nine Old Men of the Sea (The), 163
One of Us--Now, 123
Penny Wisdom, 203
Penultimatum (A), 303
Refreshing the Fruit, 463
Sand Campaign (The), 31
Sitting Tight, 343
"Sort of War" (A), 323
Splendid Paupers (The), 11
Swashbucklers (The), 363
Throne Perilous (The), 143
Trust Clinch (The), 63
TOWNSEND, F. H.
Earthly Paradise (The), 3
Sea-Change (A), 23
* * * * *
ARTICLES.
AUMONIER, STACEY
Moon (The), 246
BILSBOROUGH, J. H.
Mr. Punch's Pantomime Analysis, 122
BIRD, A. W.
Given Away, 46
Manners for Parents, 162
BIRRELL, S. E.
To Minki-Poo, 158
Toast (A), 441
BREX, J. TWELLS
Key to Cubism (A), 106
CHALMERS, P. R.
Adventurers, 478
Annabel Lee, 290
Below the Wire, 390
Big Trout (The), 487
Buddha, 100
Con, 277
Fox (The), 196
Huntsman's Story (The), 16
In March, 216
Johnny Rigg, 354
Old China, 258
Pandean, 336
Song, 221
Tattie-Bogle (The), 425
To Septimius on Trout, 138
Tortoiseshell Cat (The), 178
Trophy (The), 106
Uncle Steve's Fairy, 68
West Highland, 368
CLAUGHTON, HAROLD
Lost Leader (A), 180
COCHRANE, ALFRED
Rock Gardeness in London (The), 475
COLLINS, G. H.
Best Policy (The), 222
Pessimism, 77
Second-hand Serenade (A), 488
DARK, RICHARD
Two Eyes of Gray, 455
DAVIS, OSWALD H.
How to Get On Off-hand, 262
DUFFIN, Miss RUTH
Advance Finale (An), 453
ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR
Reversible Rhetoric, 275
Silver Jubilee (A), 366
Three-Card Trick (The), 426
Three Wishes (The), 113
Winter Sports, 27
EDEN, Mrs.
Idol of the Market Place (An), 218
"Sir Bat-Ears", 489
EDWARDES, C.
Continental Intelligence, 15
ELIAS, F.
Food--Not Merely for Thought, 227
Very Much Greater London, 417
EMANUEL, WALTER
Charivaria, weekly
What Our Readers Think of Us, 13
FARJEON, HERBERT
Question of Courtesy (A), 338
FISH, W. W. BLAIR
Bargain in Fashions (A), 347
Carpet Sales, 255
Charm (A), 90
Spell (The), 13
Sweet of the Year (The), 407
Villain in Revolt (A), 296
FISHER, MURRAY
Hullo, Bedroom Scene, 436
FOWLER, F. G.
Bath Unrest (The), 398
"On", 340
Once One, 237
FOWLER, P. A.
Laid, 278
Love at the Cinema, 58
FREEMAN, WILLIAM
Gwendolen's Hobbies, 309
FRENCH, C. O.
Our Literary Advice Department, 168
FRY, C. H.
Commercial Side (The), 82
GARVEY, Miss INA
At the Gates of the West, 236
Blanche's Letters, 94, 346, 446
Guess Who It Is, 122
Sitter Sat Upon (The), 309
GITTINS, H. N.
Love's Labour, 115
Married Man's Advantage (The), 34
Sporting Chance (A), 357
Welcome Flaw (A), 456
GRAVES, C. L.
Ballad of the Watchful Eye, 270
Drastic Reform of Schools, 409
Gnomes for Golfers, 170
In the Garden of Allah, 34
Liberals Day by Day, 267
Qualities that Count (The), 97
Tragedy of Middle Age (The), 55