Andreas to Nikolai.
"... Can it really be only three weeks since we sat on the terrace
together under the lampions overlooking the lake, and I longed to get
away from the beloved island that I might be among the lights along
the shore? Was it not many months ago that you conjured me to be
faithful to my art, which I was in the mood to consign to hell-fire?
"Now I feel that you were right, and I also feel that some day truth
will return to me. For, just as I had to overcome the despair I
experienced when I was sixteen because my first poem when written
down did not equal the one I had composed in my head, so today, a
decade later, I hope to learn how to travel along new ways, how to
appreciate pauses, before I stand on the heights from which I may
bring my influence to bear upon reality, whence I may possibly even
master and dominate reality.
"My new plans make me feel more estranged than ever from my homeland.
Was Vienna as tedious a place to live in when I was a boy? Was it
always as odd, as unaccommodating a town as it seems to me now? Or
was I unaware of its peculiarities merely because I was in daily
contact with it, though ignoring its mechanism? True, I lived in a
world apart, a world of dreams.... Be all this as it may, I have
been promised many things these days, have made an advance in one
direction and another, have gained the patronage of a sometime
minister, a man on the spot has no objection to--but--all the
same--by and by--and so on!
"I have been advised by a person of ability not to start my career in
the antechamber of the chief. 'There,' he said, 'you will be given
ample time to study the fine frescoes on the ceiling, and to learn
the difference between the rococo style of Fischer von Erlach and
that of Master Hildebrandt--but you will not get any farther along
your chosen road! Item: frequent society drawing-rooms, or, since
this is the month of June, go to as many garden parties as possible.'
"I am again mixing with women, and I may have the delicate hand of
some charming countess or other to thank for finding myself cutting a
figure in farther Asian or South African diplomatic circles! But my
experiences this spring have supersaturated me so far as women are
concerned. I cannot help making comparisons, and all the while I
feel I am behaving odiously to the other members of the fair sex.
"I have also lost the power of appreciating my fellow poets. Ever
since my wish to throw myself into the life of the world became a
reality, I have felt alienated from the world of our poets. Indeed,
my inborn veneration for the older poets has been shaken.
"Nikolai! When my last hour comes, I do not wish to be faced with
fifty volumes of my Works; I would have before my eyes the vision of
fifty different countries, of treaties whereby I had helped to bring
great nations into friendlier touch one with another, of wars I had
had a share in initiating, of perils which had lured me to take the
first steps towards an unknown foe, of alliances which had led to the
annihilation of millions! Do not be impatient with me, Nikolai; I
must be allowed to let my fancy roam while I am still young.
"I had a strange experience this morning.
"Othello and I were walking in the Belvedere Park. The clocks had
just struck nine. A few nursemaids with perambulators and some old
men were the only other strollers. I entered the left hand of the
two walks which lead straight up to the palace. I had reached the
top of the steps at the end when I saw a couple coming from the
palace towards me. As in a dream I recognized the lady as Baroness
F. She is a woman in the middle forties, the mother of several
grown-up daughters. But the baroness was soon wiped out of the field
of my vision, for the young man at her side (can you believe it?) was
the image of Diana, indeed he was so like her that I fancied it must
be she disguised as a boy: her very features, her slim figure, her
own familiar way of tossing her head! He was laughing and was
playing with his walking stick, which he tapped against his white
flannel trousers.
"My heart stopped beating: for a moment I feared I was going to
faint. But I soon pulled myself together. He had removed his hat in
order to enjoy the cool morning air, and now I saw that his
countenance was pale, white, almost deathlike in its pallor. Diana
had never been like that. As he came nearer, his face was hidden
from me, for he had caught sight of Othello and was absorbed in the
dog to the total exclusion of the dog's master. At that moment, the
baroness, who must have recognized me, stopped and turned towards the
exit as if to show her companion the view of the cathedral, for she
obviously did not want to be accosted by me at such an hour in the
company of a young man. The youth, however, gave a cursory glance at
the view, and then turned again to the dog who was snuffing in
friendly fashion and--an extraordinary thing for Othello to
allow--was apparently enjoying the stranger's caresses. Anxious to
avoid giving offence to the baroness, I went quietly on my way,
calling the dog to heel when I was at some distance. He came
bounding after me.
"Later on, hidden by the breastwork of the terrace, I caught another
glimpse of them down below. She was leaning against one of the
sphinxes; her left hand was partially supporting her from behind and
was pressed against the sphinx's chest, her right hand, the fingers
spread, was slightly raised, and her eyes were fixed upon the young
man at her side, with that longing expression one often sees in women
who are past the prime. Again, from that distance, I was poignantly
reminded of Diana. He was resting his weight on his left foot and
was playing with his right knee--just Diana's pose!
"Diana once told me she had a handsome brother.
"O Nikolai Nikolaievich! Why did I not take the next train and
follow her to Milan that morning?
"ANDREAS."