"COURAGE!"
The reawakening of Alan's mind to old tastes and old pursuits, though
fitful in the first instance, soon developed into a steady appetite for
work. Much of his former freshness and elasticity returned; ideas and
forms of expression recurred to him without trouble. He had seized on a
dramatic theme suggested in one of the books which Lettice had been
reading, and a few days later admitted to her that he was at work on a
poetic drama. She clapped her hands in almost childlike glee at the
news, and Alan, without much need for pressing, read to her a whole
scene which had passed from the phase of thought into written words.
Lettice had already occupied her mornings in writing the story which she
had promised to Mr. MacAlpine. Fortunately for her, she now found little
difficulty in taking up the threads of the romance which she had begun
at Florence. The change of feeling and circumstance which had taken
place in her own heart she transferred, with due reservation and
appropriate coloring, to the characters in her story, which thus became
as real to her in the London fog as it had been under the fleckless
Tuscan sky.
So long as Alan was out of health and listless, it was not easy for her
to apply herself to this regular morning work. But now that he was fast
recovering his spirit and energy, and was busy with work of his own, she
could settle down to her writing with a quiet mind.
Alan had not accepted the hospitality of Lettice without concern or
protest, and, of course, he had no idea of letting her be at the expense
of finding food and house-rent for him.
"Why do you not bring me the weekly bills?" he said, with masculine
bluntness, after he had been at Chiswick for nearly three weeks.
She looked at him with a pained expression, and did not answer.
"You don't think that I can live on you in this cool way much longer?
You are vexed with me! Do not be vexed--do not think that I value what
you have done for me according to a wretched standard of money. If I pay
everything, instead of you, I shall be far more grateful, and more truly
in your debt."
"But think of my feelings, too!" she said. "I have had my own way so
far, because you could not help it. If you are going to be unkind and
tyrannical as soon as you get well, I shall find it in my heart to be
almost sorry. Do not let money considerations come in! You promised that
you would not say anything of the kind before the end of the month."
"I promised something; but I don't think I am breaking my promise in
spirit. Look here; I have not been in retreat for six months without a
certain benefit in the way of economy. Here's a cheque for a hundred
pounds. I want you to get it cashed, and to use it."
"I have plenty of money," Lettice said, patting impatiently with her
foot on the floor. "I cannot take this; and until the month is out I
will not talk about any kind of business whatsoever. There, sir!"
Alan did not want to annoy her, and let the subject drop for the time.
"You shall have your way in all things, except that one," he said; "but
I will not mention it again until you give me leave."
The truth is that Lettice did not know what was to happen at the end of
the month, or whenever her tenancy of Bute Lodge might be concluded. How
was she to leave Alan, or to turn him out of doors, when the object of
her receiving him should have been accomplished? Was it already fully
accomplished? He had been saved from despair, and from the danger of a
physical relapse; was he now independent of anything she could do for
him? It gave her a pang to think of that possibility, but she would have
to think of it and to act upon it very soon. She could not put off the
evil day much beyond the end of November; before Christmas they must
come to an understanding--nay, she must come to an understanding with
her own heart; for did not everything depend on her firmness and
resolution?
Not everything! Though she did not know it, Alan was thinking for her
just what she could not think for herself. He could not fail to see that
Lettice had staked her reputation to do as she had done for him. As his
perception grew more keen, he saw with increasing clearness. A man just
recovering from serious illness will accept sacrifices from his friends
with little or no demur, which in full health he would not willingly
permit. Alan could not have saved Lettice from the consequences of her
own act, even if he had realized its significance from the first--which
he did not. But now he knew that she was giving more as a woman than he,
as a man, had ever thought of taking from her; and he also, with a
somewhat heavy heart, perceived that a change in their relations to one
another was drawing near.
Lettice was sitting in her little study one morning, turning over in her
mind the question which so deeply agitated her, and trying to think that
she was prepared for the only solution which appeared to be possible or
acceptable. Alan and she were to go their separate ways: that was, she
told herself, the one thing fixed and unalterable. They might meet again
as friends, and give each other help and sympathy; but it was their
irrevocable doom that they should live apart and alone. That which her
heart had sanctioned hitherto, it would sanction no longer; the cause
and the justification were gone, and so were the courage and the
confidence.
Lettice had appropriated to her own use as a study a little room on the
ground floor, opening upon the garden. In warm weather it was a
particularly charming place, for the long windows then always stood
open, and pleasant scents and sounds from the flower-beds and leafy
trees stole in to cheer her solitude. In winter, it was a little more
difficult to keep the rooms warm and cosy; but Lettice was one of the
women who have the knack of making any place where they abide look
home-like and inviting, and in this case her skill had not been spent in
vain, even upon a room for the furniture of which she was not altogether
responsible. Heavy tapestry curtains excluded the draught; a soft rug
lay before the old-fashioned high brass fender, and a bright fire burned
in the grate. Lettice's writing-table and library chair half filled the
room; but there was also a small table heaped high with books and
papers, a large padded leather easy-chair, and a bookcase. The walls
were distempered in a soft reddish hue, and such part of the floor as
was not covered with a bordered tapestry carpet of divers tints had been
stained dark brown. One of Lettice's favorite possessions, a large
autotype of the Sistine Madonna, hung on the wall fronting her
writing-table, so that she could see it in the pauses of her work.
It was at the door of this room that Alan knocked one stormy December
day. The month which Lettice had fixed as the period of silence about
business affairs had passed by; but Alan was so very far from strong
when November ended that she had managed, by persuasion and insistence,
to defer any new and definite arrangement for at least another
fortnight. But he had gained much physical and mental strength during
those two weeks, and he had felt more and more convinced from day to day
that between himself and Lettice there must now be a complete
understanding. He knew that she had taken the house until the end of
December; after that date she would be homeless, like himself. What were
they both to do? It was the question which he had come to put.
Lettice received him with a touch of surprise, almost of embarrassment
in her manner. She had never made him free of her study, for she felt it
better that each should have a separate domain for separate work and a
separate life. She had no wish to break down more barriers than
circumstances demanded; and the fact that she had utterly outraged the
laws of conventionality in the eyes of the world did not absolve her
from the delicate reticence which she had always maintained in her
personal relations with Alan. He saw the doubt in her face, and hastened
to apologize for his intrusion. "But I could not work this morning," he
said, "and I wanted to speak to you. Milly told me you were here,
and----"
"Oh, I am very glad to see you. Come and sit down."
"You are not too busy for a little talk?"
"Not at all."
She wheeled the leather-covered chair a little nearer to the fire, and
made him sit down on it. He cast his eye round the cheery room, noting
the books and papers that she was using, the evidences of steady work
and thought. The firelight leaped and glanced on the ruddy walls, and
the coals crackled in the grate; a dash of rain against the window, a
blast of wind in the distance, emphasized the contrast between the
warmth and light and restfulness within the house, the coldness and the
storm without.
Alan held his hands to the blaze, and listened for a moment to the wind
before he spoke.
"One does not feel inclined," he said, "to turn out on such a day as
this."
"Happily, you have no need to turn out," Lettice answered, taking his
words in their most literal sense.
"Not to day, perhaps; but very soon. Lettice, the time has come when we
must decide on our next step. I cannot stay here any longer--on our
present terms, at least. But I have not come to say good-bye. Is there
any reason why I should say good-bye--save for a time?"
He had risen from his chair as he spoke, and was standing before her.
Lettice shaded her eyes with her hands. Ah, if she could only give way
to the temptation which she felt vaguely aware that he was going to
raise! If she could only be weak in spite of her resolution to be
strong, if she could only take to herself at once the one consolation
and partnership which would satisfy her soul, how instantly would her
depression pass away! How easily with one word could she change the
whole current and complexion of life for the man who was bending over
her! He was still only half-redeemed from ruin; he might fall a prey to
despair again, if she shrank in the supreme moment from the sacrifice
demanded of her.
Alan did not know how her heart was pleading for him. Something, indeed,
he divined, as he saw her trembling and shaken by the strife within. His
heart bounded with sudden impulse from every quickened vein, and his
lips drew closer to her hidden face.
"Lettice!"
There was infinite force and tenderness in the whispered word, and it
pierced her to the quick. She dropped her hands, and looked up.
But one responsive word or glance, and he would have taken her in his
arms. He understood her face, her eyes, too well to do it. She gave him
no consent; if he kissed her, if he pressed her to his breast, he felt
that he should dominate her body only, not her soul. And he was not of
that coarse fibre which could be satisfied so. If Lettice did not give
herself to him willingly, she must not give herself at all.
"Lettice!" he said again, and there was less passion but more entreaty
in his tone than before he met that warning glance, "will you not let me
speak?"
"Is there anything for us to say," she asked, very gently, "except
_good-bye_?"
"Would you turn me away into the cold from the warmth and brightness of
your home, Lettice? Don't be angry with me for saying so. I have had
very little joy or comfort in my life of late, and it is to you that I
owe all that I know of consolation. You have rescued me from a very hell
of despair and darkness, and brought me into paradise. Now do you bid me
go? Lettice, it would be cruel. Tell me to stay with you ... and to the
last hour of my life I will stay."
He was standing beside her, with one hand on the wooden arm of her
circular chair. She put her hand over his fingers almost caressingly,
and looked up at him again, with tears in her sweet eyes.
"Have I not done what I wanted to do?" she said. "I found you weak,
friendless, ill; you have got back your strength, and you know that you
have at least one friend who will be faithful to you. My task is done;
you must go away now and fight the world--for my sake."
"For your sake? You care what I do, then: Lettice, you care for me? Tell
me that you love me--tell me, at last!"
She was silent for a moment, and he felt that the hand which rested on
his own fluttered as if it would take itself away. Was she offended?
Would she withdraw the mute caress of that soft pressure? Breathlessly
he waited. If she took her hand away, he thought that he should almost
cease to hope.
But the hand settled once more into its place. It even tightened its
pressure upon his fingers as she replied--
"I love you with all my heart," she said; "and it is just because I love
you that I want you to go away."
With a quick turn of his wrist he seized the hand that had hitherto lain
on his, and carried it to his lips. They looked into each other's eyes
with the long silent look which is more expressive even than a kiss.
Soul draws very near to soul when the eyes of man and woman meet as
theirs met then. The lips did not meet, but Alan's face was very close
to hers. When the pause had lasted so long that Lettice's eyelids
drooped, and the spell of the look was broken, he spoke again.
"Why should I go away? Why should the phantom of a dead past divide us?
We belong to one another, you and I. Think of what life might mean to
us, side by side, hand in hand, working, striving together, you the
stronger, giving me some of your strength, I ready to give you the love
you need--the love you have craved for--the love that you have won!
Lettice, Lettice, neither God nor man can divide us now!"
"Hush! you are talking wildly," she answered, in a very gentle tone.
"Listen to me, Alan. There is one point in which you are wrong. You
speak of a dead past. But the past is not dead, it lives for you still
in the person of--your wife."
"And you think that she should stand in our way? After all that she has
done? Can any law, human or divine, bind me to her now? Surely her own
acts have set me free. Lettice, my darling, do not be blinded by
conventional views of right and wrong. I know that if we had loved each
other and she had been a woman of blameless life, I should not be
justified in asking you to sacrifice for me all that the world holds
dear; but think of the life she has led--the shame she has brought upon
me and upon herself. Good God! is anyone in the world narrow-minded
enough and base enough to think that I can still be bound to her?"
"No, Alan; but your course is clear. You must set yourself free."
"Seek my remedy in the courts? Have all the miserable story bandied
about from lip to lip, be branded as a wretched dupe of a wicked woman
on whom he had already tried to revenge himself? That is what the world
would say. And your name would be brought forward, my dearest; it would
be hopeless to keep it in the background now. Your very goodness and
sweetness would be made the basis of an accusation.... I could not bear
it, I could not see you pilloried, even if I could bear the shame of it
myself."
He sank on his knees beside her, and let his head sink almost to her
shoulder. She felt that he trembled, she saw that his lips were pale,
and that the dew stood on his forehead. His physical strength had not
yet returned in full measure, and the contest with Lettice was trying it
to the utmost.
Lettice had turned pale too, but she spoke even more firmly than before.
"Alan," she said, "is this brave?"
"Brave? no!" he answered her. "I might be brave for myself, but how can
I be brave for you? You will suffer more than you have any conception
of, when you are held up to the scorn--the loathing--of the world. For
you know she will not keep to the truth--she will spit her venom upon
you--she will blacken your character in ways that you do not dream----"
"I think I have fathomed the depths," said Lettice, with a faint, wan
smile. "I saw her myself when you were in prison, and she has written to
my brother Sydney. Oh, yes," as he lifted his face and looked at her,
"she stormed, she threatened, she has accused ... what does it matter to
me what she says, or what the world says, either? Alan, it is too late
to care so much for name and fame. I crossed the line which marks the
boundary between convention and true liberty many weeks ago. The best
thing for me now, as well as for you, is to face our accusers gallantly,
and have the matter exposed to the light of day."
"I have brought this upon you!" he groaned.
"No, I have brought it on myself. Dear Alan, it is the hardest thing in
the world to be brave for those we love--we are much too apt to fear
danger or pain for them. Just because it is so hard, I ask you to do
this thing. Give me courage--don't sap my confidence with doubts and
fears. Let us be brave together, and for one another, and then we shall
win the battle and be at peace."
"It will be so hard for you."
"Not harder than it has been for you these many years. My poor dear my
heart has bled so many times to think how you have suffered! I am proud
to have a share in your suffering now. I am not ashamed to tell you that
I love you, for it is my love that is to make you strong and brave, so
that we may conquer the world together, despise its scorn, and meet its
sneers with smiles! We will not run away from it, like cowards! I come
of a fighting race on my mother's side, the very suggestion of flight
makes my blood boil, Alan! No, we will die fighting, if need be, but we
will not run away."
"Yes, yes, my brave darling, you are right. We will stand or fall
together. It was not for myself that I hesitated."
"I know--I know. So you see, dear, that we must part."
"For a time only."
"You will see Mr. Larmer to-morrow?"
"I will."
They were silent for a while. Her arm was round his neck, and his head
was resting against her wearily. It was Lettice who first roused
herself.
"This must not be," she said, drawing back her arm.
"Alan, let us be friends still--and nothing else. Let us have nothing to
reproach ourselves with by and by."
He sighed as he lifted his head from its resting place.
"I will go to Larmer to-day," he said. "There is nothing to be gained by
waiting. But--have you thought of all that that woman may do to us?
Lettice, I tremble almost for your life."
"I do not think she would attempt that."
"She threatened you?"
"With vitriol. She said that she would blind me so that I could not see
you--scar me so that you would not care to look upon my face. Ought I to
have told you? Alan, do not look so pale! It was a mere foolish threat."
"I am not so sure of that. She is capable of it--or of any other
fiendish act. If she injured you, Lettice----"
"Don't think of that. You say you will go to Mr. Larmer this afternoon."
"Yes. And then I will look out for lodgings. And you--what will you do?
Stay here?"
She shook her head. "I shall go into lodgings too. I have plenty of
work, and you--you will come to see me sometimes."
"As often as you will let me. Oh, Lettice, it is a hard piece of work
that you have given me to do!"
She took his hand in hers and pressed it softly. "I shall be grateful to
you for doing it," she said. There was a long silence. Alan stood by the
fire-place, his head resting upon his hand. Finally he spoke in a low
uncertain tone--
"There is one point I must mention. I think there may be a difficulty in
getting the divorce. I believe she claims that I condoned her--her
faults. I may find insuperable obstacles in my way."
Lettice drew a quick breath, and rose suddenly to her feet.
"We have nothing to do with that just now, Alan. You must try."
And then they said no more.
But when the afternoon came and Alan was ready to depart--for when once
he had made up his mind that he must go, he thought it better not to
linger--he drew Lettice inside her little study again, and looked her
full in the face.
"Lettice, before I go, will you kiss me once?"
She did not hesitate. She lifted her face, calmly and seriously, and
kissed him on the mouth.
But she was not prepared for the grip in which he seized her, and the
passionate pressure of her lips which he returned. "Lettice, my dearest,
my own love," he said, holding her close to him as he spoke, "suppose I
fail! If the law will not set me free, what will you do?"
She was silent for a minute or two, and he saw that her face grew pale.
"Oh," she said at last, in a sighing voice, broken at last by a
despairing sob, "if man's law is so hard, Alan, surely then we may trust
ourselves to God's!"
"Promise me," he said, "that you will never give me up--that, whatever
happens, you will one day be mine!"
"Whatever happens," she answered, "I am yours, Alan, in life or
death--in time and for eternity."
And with this assurance he was fain to be content.