from change, or the wild gull soaring over shores and sea, now wading in
the mud, now riding gloriously on the crest of the billows, is a query
which has often agitated me since the time I abandoned the home of my
childhood. For me there was no return now to the rock. I thought of my
home with a gloomy dread lest I should have to return to it. Such
forebodings, however, were rare and did not interfere with my complete
enjoyment of present pleasures. Along with them I caught the manners of
the little aristocrats of my sister's school. It was an ideal company of
boys and girls, handsome, refined and innocent. My sister herself was a
natural lady and rigorous in her demands for perfect conduct on the part
of her pupils. She spared me least of all, as more needing such
discipline, and also, I suppose, that she might escape any suspicion of
sisterly partiality. I have ever been extremely open to personal
influences and environment, and apt to take on the customs and opinions
of those with whom I mingle. What one gains so is a part of his
education. It is true there is a lurking danger as well as advantage,
and we may be wrecked or carried into a safe harbor according to the
accidents of life and the power or feebleness of the will. My good
fortune was seemingly great at this time, having such a sister to watch
over me and such influences around me. On the other hand I was
disqualified by it for living the life of a poor man which circumstances
have made imperative; and it required many years to reconcile me to my
lot and to discover other riches by which a man might make his life
honorable and happy. My sister's pupils were affectionately attached to
her and this feeling was soon shared by their parents. She visited among
them continually, and always took me with her. I saw the inside of the
houses of the rich, the leading citizens of Norwich, governors and
ex-governors of the state, senators, the Rockwells, Greens, Tylers,
Williams, Backuses, Lusks, and others, and became used to the elegancies
and luxuries of their households. My sister seemed to be recognized as
their equal, as well she might be. She was a woman to win her way
anywhere; distinguished looking, full of tact and efficiency. She was
tall, with a perfect figure and graceful movement. Her eyes were large
and dark, her hair black and abundant, in this being the only one of my
mother's children who resembled her, as she did also in the contour of
her face and nose. She was of a hopeful and joyous temperament and full
of energy; by this latter gift she had raised herself from the humblest
position to one of influence and acquired in no long time much
reputation as a remarkably successful teacher, and her services were in
constant demand. She was also a favorite in all classes of society and
knew how to adjust herself to the humblest and the highest of her fellow
creatures. From the time of her father's death she had been the prop of
the family, the mover in all their plans and the provider of their
needs. Over me she had a special charge and a sacred duty, for my
father, conscious of the too gentle nature of his wife and the poverty
in which he was about to leave her, had on his deathbed, committed, had
indeed made a solemn gift of his little boy to the daughter whom he
trusted most; and for fifty years did she fulfil that trust. On her
tombstone are engraved these brief but true words: "Faithful daughter,
sister, friend, teacher." New England has been full of such devoted,
self-sacrificing daughters and sisters, and still is. I do not single
her out as exceptional, but to give her the tribute she merits, and that
she may not be among the uncounted and unremembered where these pages
shall be read.
In my sister's school besides good manners, which now seem to me the
best part of my education, I learned to draw and to sing; and in which I
delighted most, it were hard to say. Never before had I heard any music,
except that of the doleful and droning church choir. We sang simple
songs about nature, conduct, duties to the Heavenly Father, to parents
and teacher. Their notes lingered in my ears for a great many years, and
I can still hum some of them. We drew plain figures, blocks, cones, the
sides and roofs of buildings and outlines of trees. In penmanship I made
no progress, and it was always unformed and illiterate until I was a
man, and took it in hand without a teacher. My two years' detention from
school did not seem to put me into classes below me in age. I could read
and spell very well. There were other longer or shorter periods when my
education was entirely interrupted; yet I did not have to begin my
studies exactly where I had left off. Something carries us along
unconsciously and a natural intelligence bridges over the superficial
differences between ourselves and our associates. How often have I
deceived myself into thinking I knew something when it was merely a
borrowed acquirement, as it were, a cuticular absorption from a
transient environment or interest, from classmates, social circles,
clubs and books. Great books are the most flattering deceivers of all. I
never read one that did not touch me nearly in this way. The fall to my
own proper level is painful, but has been somewhat stayed and alleviated
by reading another. Being of this plastic, imitative nature, I soon took
on the manners and childish ideas of my companions in my sister's
school. I was already aristocrat enough to look down with indifference
upon the boys of the Landing and other parts of the town, and at a good
safe distance, to call them by some insulting name. We never came to
blows, nor ever nearer than a stone's throw. By the natural elective
affinities, which seem to be more marked among boys and girls than among
men and women, I formed the closest intimacy with two brothers about my
own age. They belonged to the leading family among my sister's patrons.
Their father was a wealthy, retired manufacturer who had held every
honor Norwich had to bestow. The boys were indulged in all their wishes,
in every kind of pet animal that walks or flies, a menagerie of small
creatures in cages, ponies for the saddle and dogs to follow. In these I
was allowed to share as if my own, and their house was as much mine as
theirs, more often taking supper in it than at my boarding place. Thus
becoming familiar with and possessing the pleasures which wealth can
furnish a boy, I knew not what a fall I was preparing for myself when
the thread of my destiny should lead me back into its narrow and
tortuous path. How is any one responsible for such passages in his life
which carry him into situations and form in him tastes and propensities
that must be relinquished with much sorrow or maintained with peril? But
the hour of doom was not yet, and my pleasant days had no omen that
their sun would ever set. In truth that sun has never set on the days
when I was in the company and close beside the one girl in my sister's
school with whom I felt the passionless, but none the less ardent
delight. Laugh who will--"Her sweet smile haunts me still." Never was
sweeter or more captivating on the face of a girl or woman, and it was
perpetually there, whether she spoke or only looked in your eyes. By it
I should even now recognize her among a thousand. If I had then known
that souls are reincarnated, I should have known by her smile that she
was the Launa Probana of my earliest awakening. I never played with her,
but I was in the same class; she was at the head of it in spelling
exercises, where, in the then customary manner, we went up when we
mastered a word missed by the pupil below. I was always struggling to
stand next to her, and when I did, I was happy. That is how I learned to
spell so well! I had become diffident with girls and as much more so
with her as I was fond of being with her. Consequently we spoke to each
other but little. To be where she was was enough. Those inclinations and
awkward attentions, which betray the situation to the onlooker, I
manifested always in her presence without suspicion of being observed. I
was alert to win her notice by any sort of indirection, and embarrassed
to speechlessness when I had won it. There were certain occasions when I
could count on having her for my companion, when we found ourselves
together by some inevitable attraction. These were on the excursions
which my sister was fond of taking with her whole school to places of
interest in the vicinity of Norwich. The holiday freedom, the
excitement, made it easier for me to be more demonstrative than usual
toward the new-found Launa. Yet we were still too young and sensitive
for indulgence in the physical tokens of affection. We often walked hand
in hand, yet under cover of that which was a permissible and usual
gallantry among all the children of the school, the secret attachment of
any pair was pleasantly and sufficiently hidden even from themselves.
Wondrous were the places we visited; places of historic or natural
interest; to Groton by steamboat, where we saw Fort Griswold and its
monument to the heroes of the Revolutionary fight, and its still
surviving heroine, Mother Bailey, who tore up her petticoat to make
cartridges for the gunners. We called upon the venerable woman in her
neat, little cottage. She was very proud of her fame. She related the
story of the fight, not omitting her part in it. "Do you think I am a
very old woman?" she said to us. "Well, see," and in an instant she was
whirling around the room in an old fashioned jig. Then we returned to
the Fort, and in its enclosure we opened our baskets and ate our cakes
and apples. I sometimes think that was the happiest day of my life.
Certainly it was the very beginning of what is called seeing the world.
What, is not the first steamboat ride, and with your sweetheart, the
first fort, the scene of a battle and the most celebrated heroine of the
Revolution something? My sweetheart was the only thing not entirely
novel; her smiles ever recalled the memory of Launa Probana. All the way
home we stood on deck, leaning over the rail, watching the swirl and
foam from the paddle wheels, and our tongues were loosened. As usual, in
my attempts at seeming superior to girl companions, I undertook to
explain things about which I knew nothing. Now, any boy could put me
down in a minute with, "how big you talk;" but my gentler hearer led me
on with her acquiescence and her trusting, wondering eyes. The teacher's
brother was somebody in her estimation; he was a new kind of boy. The
other boys she had known all her life, commonplace, tiresome teasers or
clowns. That awkward impediment, a rival, I had not to contest or fear.
All went well with us until I fell from the ranks of the aristocracy and
became a menial shop boy in a store. But before that eclipse there were
other happy days and joyous experiences. Together we visited the grave
of the Indian Uncas, and the remnant of his tribe at Montville; we drove
often to Fishville, where was an estate laid out in a foreign fashion
with grottoes, mazes, fountains, strange trees and shrubbery and a
museum of curiosities.
Doubtless it was not the intention of my sister at this time to educate
me. Perhaps she saw nothing in me worthy of it. I do not much wonder at
her conviction, if such it was, as I look at a daguerreotype of myself
taken about that period, a round head, mostly hair, a low forehead, a
pair of round eyes, thick nose and lips and short neck, altogether just
such a solid, stolid child as one would expect to see from the country,
bred in the sun and cold, and fed on brown bread and milk. My being with
my sister, and a pupil in her school was a temporary expedient until a
place could be found for me. At length it was found, a situation in a
dry goods store, where I could earn my board and clothing. Thus without
warning I fell completely out of the ranks of the elect and again
returned to servitude as a shop boy, a runner of errands, a builder of
fires and floor-sweeper.
SHOP BOY
In country stores the man or boy behind the counter was an enviable
person. Many boys had no higher ambition than to be a store-keeper. I was
now behind the counter, and although there was nothing in a dry goods
shop to interest me as in the country store, with its varied assortment
of goods, tools, crockery and candies, I felt rather proud of my
position, especially when permitted to wait on a customer. He seemed an
inferior sort of a person, and I had no idea at first of conciliating
him and making a sale. It was not then the custom to observe a fixed
price and simply show the goods; but clerks were expected and instructed
to use persuasion, to expatiate on quality and beauty, and to take less
than they first asked. The cost price was marked with secret characters;
the selling price was variable. The more you could get out of a gullible
customer, the better; and he who could get the most was the smartest
clerk. A thrifty purchaser would beat down the price little by little,
the sharp clerk yielding with many protestations until a last offer was
made, when, with feigned hesitation, the clerk would wrap up the goods.
One thinks he has bought a cheap bargain, the other figures the profit
and laughs in his sleeve. It was not my particular duty to wait upon
customers except in a rush of trade, or early in the day before the
other clerks had arrived. I opened the store in the morning, swept the
floors and sidewalk, dusted the counters, filled the lamps, and in
winter built the fire. During the day I ran on errands, delivered goods
and was the fag of the proprietor and his two clerks. I soon chafed
under the confinement, and when sent out of the store I made no haste to
return; the farther away the bundle was to be delivered the better I
liked it, and I always took the longest way, loitering about, making
acquaintance with strange boys, dogs and any wayside apple or pear tree.
If possible I skirted the region of the wharves and the rivers, where I
always found something interesting going on, a vessel arriving or
leaving, sailors chaffing and fighting. Sometimes I received a small fee
for delivering the bundle at the door of a lady, but this happened
rarely; it was not the custom, and seldom was I even thanked. I had only
two memorable adventures on my travels; one was an attack on my breeches
by a savage dog, and the other--shall I confess it--almost as
disagreeable. A young and handsome woman, whom I had often seen in the
store, and knew me, I imagine, better than I knew her, called me into
the house with my package, set me on her knees, petted and kissed me,
and asked me a lot of questions about one of the clerks. I have reason
to believe her tender behavior was meant rather for her beloved clerk
than for me. I reported nothing on my return, only, on being reproved
for my long absence, I said, "Miss--had kept me," which made the clerk
look sheepish. I was not sent to her house again. The clerks, however,
did use me a good deal as an innocent pander in their various intrigues
with the pretty and fast girls of the town. I carried notes, concealed
in dry goods bundles, and brought back answers in my jacket pocket,
which I was instructed to deliver on the sly.
The proprietor of the store to whom I was bound, and in whose family I
lived, was a tall, thin, sallow-faced man. He had a nervous manner, but
he was not unkind to me. He clothed and fed me well. He chewed tobacco
and was brimming over with funny stories, funny and usually indelicate.
I heard much swearing, too, and I began to think it the proper thing to
try to be wicked myself. I was greatly attached to the two clerks, and
they were my models in everything. One of them was also the bookkeeper
of the establishment as well as a salesman. He dressed after the mode in
trig, close-fitting suits; his pantaloons were like tights, and only
kept on his legs by straps under his boots. He played and fooled with me
in idle hours. The other clerk was exceedingly sober, often melancholy,
seldom smiled and had nothing to do with me, rarely speaking to me. I
stood in awe and admiration of him. He wrote poetry for the local
newspaper, and I think he felt above us all, and above his position. He
belonged to a distinguished family, and why he happened to be a dry
goods clerk I never knew. He seemed as much out of his natural place as
I. How restless and penned up I felt at times no words can tell. The
lean dog with freedom, is much more to be envied than the chained dog
with a golden collar. It was a small store of only three counters, and
during unoccupied hours there was nothing on the shelves or in drawers
with which I could amuse myself. In mere desperation for something to
occupy myself I counted spools of cotton and silk, unrolled and rolled
again pieces of goods, and many a hot summer afternoon, when both the
shops and the streets were deserted, I caught flies and put them in a
bottle, and then smoked them to death.
I now seldom saw my former playmates. Their families traded at a much
larger and more fashionable store. Our customers were of an humbler
class, mainly from the suburbs and adjoining villages. But a boy does
not long remain companionless, be there another boy within reach. I
became intimate first with a lad in a grocery store, whereby there was
considerable access to sugar, raisins and other sweets; through him,
together with others in similar situations, I was made a member of their
secret society, having been tested as to strength, reliability and other
qualifications. Our badge was a red morocco star, worn under the left
lappet of the vest. The only purpose of the club that I could ever
discover, was to lick every boy who did not belong to it! I was expected
to celebrate my initiation by challenging three non-members, which I
proceeded to do, licked two and met my match in the third. Then I was
warned to attack only boys smaller than myself. The morals of the club
were meant to be on a par with those of much older boys, but signally
failed. We were as bad as we knew how to be; none of us had the courage
or the enterprise to do the naughty things which so excited our
emulation in our elders. However, we insulted and beat all the
goody-good boys in our way, swore small oaths, smoked and swaggered
until sick with nausea, and crowning achievement, learned what a Tom and
Jerry tasted like, enticed merely by the name. It was not until we had
Ike Bromley for a leader, that we fairly succeeded in being as bad as we
wished. He had an instinct for mischief and deviltry, and a way with him
that led captive the heart and devotion of all boys. Daring and cool, he
could carry a sober, innocent face which would disarm a detective and
charm a deacon. Whoever got caught or punished, he always escaped. No
one could have guessed at this time that he would become one of the most
brilliant journalists of his day, the wittiest and most engaging of men
at a dinner table, a boon companion, and beloved friend. Money was very
scarce with us; what little we had we earned in various outside ways, in
doing extra errands or selling old rubbers, old boots, copper and brass.
In fact we were the scavengers of the town, and had the run of all the
cellars. We managed to sneak or steal our way into most of the shows
that visited the town. For some reason, now quite incomprehensible, the
wharves were our most common rendezvous. And for what object we spent
our small funds on raw clams, eaten out of the shell, and doused with
pepper sauce, (which, for my part, I could with the greatest difficulty
swallow, bringing tears to my eyes, and burning in my throat for a week
after), I as little know, but now suppose it was in imitation of the
rough men and sailors about the piers with whom we consorted, and whom
we wished to impress with our manliness. Indeed, with all the rough
characters about the streets we made friends and aped their manners as
much as we could, two or three notoriously fast, rich young men being
our particular heroes. Nothing saved us from the realization of our
ideals but our extreme youth and native innocence, and perhaps some
lurking sense that we were playing at vice, with fire that would not
burn and water that would not drown. There was one thing we were
ambitious to do, yet could not screw our courage to the sticking point;
we wanted to get drunk to see how it felt. Either a Tom and Jerry had
not sufficient potency, or we could never find the bottom of the glass
before our stomachs rebelled, for we only paid the penalty in a
penitential headache without the fun of the debauch.
I realized all the while the peril of my ways in case they should come
to light, which only served to increase the excitement, though now and
then I had some serious moments. Several times I barely escaped
discovery, and our pranks often defied punishment because of our number
and the ease with which we could shoulder off the blame on one another.
I now thought of the children of my sister's school, with whom I had
recently been so intimate, with contempt as far beneath me in knowing
how to have real sport.
Although I continued to be the menial of the store, I had acquired some
knowledge of the business; could snap a piece of broadcloth to show its
firm quality and nap, hang dress goods in proper folds over my arm to
give an idea how they would look when made up, and talk quite glibly on
the cheapness of our wares in comparison with those of our competitors.
I could see that the small boy in a jacket, and only two heads higher
than the counter, amused the men customers with his brag attempt at
being a salesman, and that the women smiled down upon him
approvingly--all of which he took as a compliment to his success; for
successful he often was, to the surprise of the older clerks. With what
pride did I enter my sales on a slate kept for the purpose under the
cash drawer. I surmised that the women sometimes bought goods just to
encourage the boy. The clerks laughed and made fun of me telling me it
was my rosy cheeks that sold the goods. Young ladies frequented the shop
for no other purpose than to chat and flirt with the clerks, and one I
remember always kissed me at any favorable chance. How I hated my red
checks, and tried my best to rub out the color. It was a comfort to be
told I should outgrow it, and then the girls would not care for me. For
two long years I had ceased to care for them. It was even with some
shame that I thought of my Launas, they, who later in life, have formed
many an ideal of loveliness.
It is said the child in the womb passes through all animal forms in its
growth from the germ to birth. Whether any incipient wings have been
observed I have not heard. In much the same way the boy represents in
his growth the different stages of civilization from the savage to the
civilized man. Some time the average boy typifies the Indian, the
cowboy, prizefighter, pirate, sailor, soldier; and all classes of rough,
wild men are wonderfully attractive to him. He wishes to be like them
and plays at being one of them. For more than a year I was greatly
attached to the ruffians on the wharves, and to such of the Montville
Indians as I could make friends with. A wandering party of Indians from
the Penobscot tribe had their tents pitched for a whole summer just
outside the city, with whom I became intimate, and spent my leisure time
with them. I made my errands go their way, however long the circuit. I
should have gone away with them, would they have had me. To live in a
tent and shoot with a bow became to me the ideal of life. Strange it is
that the most vivid memory of that episode remaining with me is the
peculiar smell of the Indians; but it was not then offensive to me.
All these propensities were greatly stimulated by reading at this time
the Wandering Jew of Eugene Sue. I had found the volume, a paper covered
pamphlet edition, in a drawer in the store. I carried it home secretly
and read it at night. After I was supposed to be in bed and asleep, and
the house still, I used to get up, partly dress, light my lamp and read
often until midnight or as long as the oil held out. I doubt if any one
knows the supreme pleasure and excitement of reading, who has not read a
book surreptitiously. All the mysteries and horrors of the Wandering Jew
entered into my soul, and while it opened a scene and actions utterly
new to me, it sobered me far beyond anything that had ever happened to
me. About the same time I had many gloomy days and nights of terror from
having seen the bodies of twenty-five drowned passengers from the wreck
of a steamboat which plied between Norwich and New York City. Our poet
clerk took me with him to see them the morning they were brought to the
dock on another steamboat of the same line. They were laid out in rows
on the main deck, frozen stiff, for it was the winter season, covered
with sand and particles of ice, their flesh dreadfully lacerated and
blue, their features contorted into ghastly shapes. Among them were two
men whom we knew well, frequenters of our store. I clung to the hand of
the clerk, and should have fainted, had he not taken me away
immediately. He himself was overcome, and his sad face was sadder and
longer for many days. The whole city was in gloom and mourning. A
revival, which was in progress in one of the Baptist churches, added
greatly to its converts in consequence of the accident, and the presence
of death in such near and fearful form.
PISTOL MAKER
At length Fortune took a new turn at her wheel. Suddenly the store door
closed behind me; broom, oil can, coal hod and scissors knew me no more.
I rejoiced in my release and in the prospect of new scenes, new faces
and pleasures. What was to be my occupation did not give me one thought;
I had as yet no choice, no preference. Wherever there were boys was my
world and my trade.