of the results of your passional relations with me, and save myself
from the pain and anguish of a maternity I have felt unable to bear,
and of giving birth to children that I do not want, yet I will not
despair of salvation reaching me through your love. To live as pure as
my aspirations are, and have my life the natural outgrowth of the deep
love which I feel and must express or die, would bring us both nearer
heaven.
“‘I cannot consent to have the woman, _the real soul-and-spirit woman_
in me, obliterated. I cannot believe it is my destiny to have the
_woman_ expunged from my nature. I want to be a strong, pure woman. I
want to be lovely to you. Yet, heretofore, the strongest
manifestations of love to you have, usually, had little other effect
than to arouse your animal nature, and thus have been so turned as to
render me unlovely; for a wife must become unlovely and repulsive to
her husband, the moment he ceases to reverence her soul, and feels
that she is to him but the means of mere sensual gratification.
“‘You will acknowledge that there is terrible wrong somewhere. May God
show us a Moses to lead us out of this wilderness, this Egypt! You
have often chided me for feeling unworthy of your love; reminding me
how strange it was, since other and worthy men regarded me highly, and
that I did not feel myself unworthy _their_ regard. Were there no
abuse of our sexual nature, your tender and noble love would so
elevate and consecrate the functions of my Womanhood, that I should no
more be tormented with that want of self-respect, which, alone, ever
causes me to doubt your love, and feel unworthy of it. I feel, at
times, that love would not, could not, thus crush my Womanhood; that
it would, by intuition, guide you in your passional relations with me,
so as never to do a wrong or outrage to my nature, even unwittingly.
The feeling which other men’s regard awakens in me is not brought down
and thus prostituted to sensual gratification, but is awakened only to
vitalize and bless soul and body. Help me and save me, by your manly
strength, even from myself!
“‘I appeal to you, in behalf of myself, of my husband, and my
children. Deep and enduring consciousness of guilt and shame must rest
on my soul, in view of the outrages I have perpetrated on myself and
my unborn children, whom I was reduced to the necessity (as it then
seemed to me) of killing before they were born, or of cursing with an
existence loathed and detested even by the mother that bore them.
“‘My husband! you will, for _my_ sake, for _your own sake_, for _our
children’s_ sake, reflect on these things, and send me your
reflections. You will respond to this appeal from
“‘YOUR LOVING WIFE.’
THE HUSBAND’S RESPONSE.
“‘MY SUFFERING WIFE:
“‘I have a word to say to you now, such as I never said before. Your
letter has revealed you to me as I have never before seen you. It
shows me to what utter misery I have brought you;—how, for my
gratification, you have descended into the lowest hell.
“‘You intimate that I treat other women, personally, more tenderly and
reverently than I do you. That is true: to my shame and regret I say
it. And yet, why should I do so? Why should I crush and desecrate you,
while I have too much respect for other women ever to think of doing
the same to them? There is no reason for it. You are my dearest love.
I should treat _you_ more tenderly than any others; be more careful of
your health, and beauty of body and soul. Of all women, the husband
should most anxiously watch over the health of his wife, and most
shrink from the abuse and desecration of her physical as well as
spiritual womanhood.
“‘But I have not been wholly blind to your deep misery. I have seen
it, and, at times, feared that I might be the cause. I did not dare
ask the cause. Feeling not myself that degradation and misery of which
you speak, I did not know how much you suffered; but I should have
known, had I not been blinded by passion, and by the false idea that
man had a right to the indulgence of his passional nature whenever he
wished it, and that, too, without regard to the feelings of his wife,
or the welfare of the child that might ensue.
“‘True, I, at times, heard your words of remonstrance and entreaty,
but they did not touch my heart; my passion made me deaf or
indifferent to your appeals to my manhood to spare you from a
maternity which you could not joyfully welcome. I was lost in my own
hell, and tormented. I was blind; but now and then, glimpses came to
me, from your own keen anguish, of the real truth. But the blur of
selfish, craving passion, would come over my sight, and I would go on
my old way, cheating myself always, and sometimes you, into the
feeling that it was all right; that man had a right to that
indulgence, whatever might be the conditions of the wife, and whatever
her feelings in regard to Maternity. At least, I persuaded myself and
you _that I could not help it_, and that my health would suffer unless
I frequently held that relation with you.
“‘Now that blind dominion of passion is at an end. Your appeal to my
manhood has reached its deepest depths. The gratification of animal
passion shall no more guide me in my relations to you. That it ever
has is my shame, as well as your degradation. I wish you could see my
soul as it now is; you would see a revolution in it. The deep wail of
your spirit has reached my heart, and I am ready to go up with you out
of the perdition into which my uncontrolled sensualism has cast us.
“‘You have descended into hell, for my gratification. You have
consented to terrible anguish of body and soul, for no higher object
than my momentary pleasure. You have sacrificed your body and soul,
your self-respect, your unborn children, on the altar of my
ungovernable passion. From this hour, I will seek to repair the wrong
I have done you. I have forced on you, in contempt of your entreaties,
a maternity which could not be otherwise than most hateful to you. I
have compelled you to pass through sufferings of body and anguish of
mind which you were not ready to meet, and which were all the more
severe, because they were imposed by one whom you loved, and who
should have known better. I have imparted to you the elements of a new
life, when your very soul spurned and loathed them. I have filled your
heart with deadly hatred towards the young life, my own child, that
was being developed beneath it. I have compelled you to a deed of all
others the most loathsome and hateful to a pure, refined and noble
woman,—to the _murder_ (it should have no other name) of your
children, to the murder of _my_ children, ere they were born, to save
them from the more fearful and horrible doom of an unwelcome and hated
existence.
“‘Talk not to me of _your_ guilt, of your unworthiness to stand by my
side, and to tread with me the path of life as a true, noble and
loving wife. If you are guilty, what am I? If you feel degraded by the
loss of self-respect, what ought I to feel? The fault is all my own. I
should have known better, and had a higher appreciation of the
passional relation. Had I consulted your wishes as to maternity, had I
counselled with you as to when you could, with safety and exultation,
take charge of the germ of my child, and naturally develop it into
life, had I never imposed on you a repulsive and abhorred maternity,
would the stain of abortion now darken your soul? Yes, I see it all:
the deep damnation of the deed is my own, and would to God that the
penalty might descend on me; that I could save you, my long-suffering,
too lenient and forgiving wife, the pain and anguish!
“‘God help me! I am very sick at heart. The bitterness of death enters
my soul, as I reflect on the unseen and unexpressed pain of body and
desperation and anguish of soul to which my ungoverned passion has
brought you. Can you forgive me? Can you again restore me to your
loving confidence? Can you ever again respect my manhood, which has
brought upon you all this woe? I will, henceforth, comply with the
teachings of the book you sent me, and hold my entire nature in
abeyance to your wishes and happiness, and in all my passional
relations with you, my object shall be your health and happiness,
rather than my own gratification. I will be to you an ERNEST, God
helping me.
“‘Dearest! believe me and trust me now, for I mean what I say, and it
shall be done. I have written it here, and this shall be my pledge;
and if ever I urge on you a relation that will subject you to the
liability of maternity, when you do not call for it, lay this pledge
before me and it shall be respected.
“‘We shall yet rejoice together on earth as we never did before. This
world may not bring to you entire restoration to health of body, nor
peace of mind, nor yet self-abandoned trust in your husband; but the
effort to effect this, on my part, shall not be wanting. Believe me,
and trust to the love, the faith and energy which your letter, and
that experience of Ernest and Nina, have awakened in me. We will
together seek the aid of the angel helpers, who never condemn save to
restore and bless, and who are even now lifting up and vitalizing the
desponding and heart-stricken.
“‘Dear wife! look up, and trust—_trust_—TRUST! and with strong nerve,
and in conscious pride and innocence, you shall yet stand by my side,
and tread with me the pathway of the future, a proud, loving,
trusting, joyous wife. Your soul shall yet shine with deeper lustre on
my manhood, to elevate and save your conscience-stricken, but not
despairing husband. You shall yet be, in deed and in truth, my
Saviour, and I will be yours.
“‘These are not idle words, but come from the heart of your loving,
penitent, yet hopeful and confident
“‘HUSBAND.’
“It will do your heart good to know that that husband has, thus far,
been true to his pledge; that that wife is now blooming again in
comparative health. Hope and triumph are shining in her face, love
quickens the intellect, and vitalizes the whole woman. And woman is
intuitional, to understand and appreciate a true and noble manhood.
You will not wonder, then, that she feels nearer to him, in mind and
spirit, than ever before, for now she understands him, and he her.
Could they have talked over the subject of passional relations, and
understood each other before they entered upon their marriage life, it
had saved her years of anguish. May their history be a beacon light to
warn others to shun the rocks and shoals that lie, unseen, in the
inner depths of wedded life!
“It may encourage you to know that they owe their salvation to _you_,
though they allow that I have had a hand in it. True, it was through
me that the experience of Ernest and Nina came to their knowledge, but
I am quite willing that the author of ‘MARRIAGE AND PARENTAGE’ should
bear the responsibility and have the glory of their redemption. Their
names are sacredly private. They would meet you without feeling that
you know them. I shall not reveal them further than I have done.
“God speed you in your efforts to vindicate the most sacred and
important of all human rights,—_the right of woman to say when and
under what circumstances she shall assume the office of Maternity, and
the right of her child to a joyous welcome into life_.
“The crime of an enforced and abhorred maternity! Well and truly do
you call it, ‘THE CRIME OF EARTH.’ In whatever light it is viewed,
whether in its bearing on the mother, on the child, on the husband, on
home, on society, or on humanity, it is, indeed, THE CRIME OF CRIMES.
“With fervent prayers for the triumph of truth on this subject, I am
Your friend,
——.”
My friend, how many wives would thus appeal to their husbands, if they
dared? “Sever the last link of the bond that binds her to her husband!”
Mere sensualism “the last link” in such a union! I do not like to talk
of _chains_, _links_, and _bonds_, in connection with such a relation.
Talk of these in connection with slaveholders and slaves, but let them
not sully a relation like this. “_The last link_,” indeed! Yet it is
true; it is, often, the first, and last, and only link in the chain that
binds the husband to the wife, in what is called marriage. Man seeks
woman as a legal wife, that he may legally and respectably give
indulgence, without restraint, to his passion. If the wife seeks to
preserve her soul and body from desecration, he threatens to leave her,
and seek his gratification where he can find it. She submits, to keep
him with her; both of them, unmindful and regardless of the results to
the mother and the child. “Perish all outward bonds” of marriage at
once, rather than that the relation should continue in this way!
Wives! be frank and true to your husbands, on the subject of maternity,
and the relation that leads to it. Interchange thoughts and feelings
with them, as to what nature allows or demands, in regard to these. Can
maternity be natural, when it is undesigned by the father, or undesired
by the mother? Can a maternity be natural, healthful, ennobling to the
mother, to the child, to the father, and to home, when no loving,
tender, anxious forethought presides over the relation in which it
originated?—when the mother’s nature loathed and repelled it, and the
father’s only thought was his own selfish gratification; the feelings
and conditions of the mother, and the health, character and destiny of
the child that may result being ignored by him? Wives! let there be a
perfect and loving understanding between you and your husbands, on these
matters, and great will be your reward.
Maidens! a word to you. Never enter into the physical relations of
marriage with a man, until you have conversed with him freely and fully
on maternity, and the relation that leads to it. Learn distinctly his
views and feelings, and his expectations, in regard to that purest and
most ennobling of all the functions of your nature, and the most sacred
of all the intimacies of conjugal life. Your self-respect, your beauty,
your glory, your heaven, as a wife, will be more directly involved in
his feelings and views and practices, in regard to that relation, than
in all other things. As you would not become a weak, a miserable,
imbecile, unlovable and degraded wife and mother, in the very prime of
your life, come to a perfect understanding with your chosen one, ere you
commit your person to his keeping in the sacred intimacies of home.
Beware of that man, who, under pretence of delicacy, modesty, and
propriety, shuns conversation with you on this relation, and on the
hallowed function of maternity. Concealment and mystery, in him, towards
you, on all other subjects pertaining to conjugal union, might be
overlooked; but if he conceals his views here, rest assured it bodes no
good to your purity and happiness as a wife and a mother. You can have
no more certain assurance that you are to be victimized, your soul and
body offered up, _slain_, on the altar of his sensualism, than his
unwillingness to converse with you on subjects so vital to your
happiness. In the relation he seeks with you will he, _practically_,
hold his manhood in abeyance to the calls of your nature and to your
conditions, and consecrate its passions and its powers to the elevation
and happiness of his wife and children? If not, your maiden soul had
better return to God unadorned with the diadem of conjugal and maternal
love, than that you should become the wife of such a man and the mother
of his children.
How much of woman’s suffering and degradation, under the horrors of an
unnatural maternity, are owing to herself, I will not say. My appeal is
to husbands, and I would show them the extent of their responsibility in
this crime. Doubtless, woman might save herself much anguish and
suffering, if she would approach man frankly, in womanly love,
tenderness, and dignity, and open to him the depths of her soul in
regard to Maternity, and the relation in which it originates. Men are
not all below the brutes, in their nature. If woman were true to
_purity_, to justice, to her own nature, and would be just and true to
her husband and her children, and freely and lovingly converse with man
on these relations and functions, he would, often, with manly pride and
affection, respond to her. On no subject would a true and noble man
respond to the words of a pure and trusting woman with more manly pride
and dignity, and a more conscious self-respect, than on Maternity, and
the relation that leads to it. Let wives, then, be true to themselves,
if they would have their husbands true to them!
H. C. W.
LETTER VI.
WORDS FITLY SPOKEN, BY ONE WHO SPEAKS WITH AUTHORITY.
DEAR FRIEND:
Would you secure for yourself, your wife and your children, a pure and
happy home? Of one thing, then, you must never lose sight. You now
regard your wife as fitted to be your companion, intellectually and
socially, as well as affectionally. Be sure that no effort is wanting,
on your part, to keep her so. If her intellect becomes stunted, and she
be deprived of the means and opportunities for improvement, while you
enjoy every opportunity to cultivate and enlarge your intellectual
powers, how can she possibly feel herself fitted to be your equal
companion?
Let me ask you carefully to read over the “Appeal of the Wife to the
Husband,” in the last letter. Mark well what she says on this subject;
how she feels, as she finds herself losing all power to sympathize in
the intellectual aspirations and pursuits of her husband. She,
intellectually, was sinking, while he was rising; was growing poorer,
while he was growing richer; and he took little pains to impart to her
his increasing intellectual wealth. All opportunities for intellectual
growth were precluded by the anxieties of maternity, which he, without a
thought for her intellectual welfare, was constantly imposing upon her.
Never impose this function upon your wife, at the expense of her
intellectual growth. No wife can ever be made intellectually poorer by
maternity, and the cares of a mother, when that relation is joyfully
welcomed, and those cares are shared by the husband. But how can a
wife’s intellect ever be expanded with new and noble thoughts, when the
physical sufferings and mental anguish of a frequent and an undesired
maternity are ever present?
Stay at home with the mother of your children, except when necessary
avocations call you away. Share with her the cares, the anxieties and
joys, of the nursery. There cultivate your intellectual powers together
by reading, and by conversation,—especially, on all subjects pertaining
to parentage and the ante-natal, as well as the post-natal, development,
education and life of your children. How anxious will every true and
loving husband and father be, to unite with his wife and the mother of
his children, in the nursery, to impart and to receive all possible
light in regard to these matters!
Neither should you ever impose maternity on your wife at the expense of
her _social_ nature. Never go abroad to enjoy and develop your own
social nature, and leave her at home alone in the nursery, preparing to
give birth and a worthy reception to your child, or to spend her weary
hours in solitude, in anxious watchings over your children, and in
longings for your presence and your sympathy. Stay with her, and share
with her all the joys and all the sorrows, all the sweet rest and all
the weary labors, of a maternity imposed by you, and of developing into
noble men or women the offspring of your mutual love.
But how crushed, intellectually and socially, must that wife become, on
whom an ignorant, a thoughtless, or a brutal husband, is ever imposing a
maternity from which her soul recoils! Her intellect becomes dwarfed and
her social nature dead. How can it be otherwise, especially when driven
to the deed of ante-natal murder, to escape the horror of giving birth
to children accursed by the mother that bore them? Hope becomes extinct,
and the light of her soul goes out in utter darkness!
The following letter must speak for itself. It is nearly a _verbatim_
extract from a letter, the original of which is now before me. No man,
especially no husband, can read it, and not feel quickened in all that
is truly manly, noble and God-like. Of this woman, as to her style and
her sentiments, every true man will feel that to be true which the
people said of the teachings of Jesus—“HE SPEAKS AS ONE HAVING
AUTHORITY.” May her words of power find a response in the heart of every
husband and wife, and of every man and woman!
“The subject of an undesigned and undesired maternity,—how it affects
the mother towards the child, towards the function of Maternity
itself,—these are matters, on which, as a wife and a mother, and a
friend of Human Progress, my mind has been deeply exercised since they
were first presented to me. The delicate and hallowed beauty with
which you invest maternity, and the relation that leads to it, renders
it easy for me to impart to you my views on these subjects, while I
feel instinctively repelled from any approach to them with most other
persons, both men and women.
“The thoughts I have do not flow from my own experience. I have never
given birth to a child not earnestly desired. Yet, being a woman and a
mother, it seems to me no difficult matter to judge correctly as to
what must necessarily be the emotions and effects produced by such a
maternity.
“But I must express my earnest conviction, that any woman, any wife,
who permits herself to be made the instrument of bringing into life a
new existence, unwelcome to her own soul, must, in some degree, be
wanting in that self-respect which is an inseparable accompaniment of,
nay, an essential element in, true nobility of character. That woman
must feel degraded before her own soul, who, for any cause, in or out
of _legal_ marriage, suffers herself to be made the means of such an
outrage upon her innocent and helpless babe. Better, a thousand times,
that she leave her legal husband at once and forever, than allow soul
and body to be thus prostituted, and herself to be made accessory to a
deed so unnatural and unjust as that of giving birth to a child whose
existence is repudiated and loathed by her own heart.
“Public opinion, based on his superior physical strength and
(hitherto) superior intellectual development, has accorded to man the
dignity of lordship. Looking over the face of the earth, he says, ‘See
all things for my use, even woman.’ And as the Bible, in many of its
teachings, as these are explained, sanctions this arrogance, declaring
that the ‘man was not made for the woman, but the woman for the man,’
she herself, the just authority of Nature being educated out of her,
and the arbitrary authority of man educated into her, believes it her
duty to yield implicit obedience to all the demands of the man to whom
she has declared allegiance at the altar;—the _altar_, truly; for
there she is frequently offered a propitiation to satisfy the demands
of man’s unholy passion; and from henceforth this being, created with
reason, conscience and intuitions of her own, and for her own
guidance, believes it her highest duty to sacrifice all these to the
authority and the licensed sensualism of the husband, for whose
pleasure she was created, and to ‘obey even as Sarah obeyed Abraham,
calling him Lord.’
“This much may be said to account for the fact that so many women,
otherwise excellent and amiable, lend themselves to the commission of
this great crime; a crime against themselves, against their children,
against their husbands, against our great humanity. And while thus
prostituting their persons according to law (made for this very end,
and solely by those who prostitute them), they deceive themselves into
the stupid belief that they are leading pure and virtuous lives, and
look with scorn and contempt upon the poor sister who commits the same
unnatural and revolting deed in an unlawful and less reputable manner.