DAYS OF CALM.
He found it at last,--the peace which comes after a long, weary,
despairing struggle. But it was not easily won. It seemed to Trafford
as if God had hidden himself in a thick, awful darkness, through which
not the faintest ray of light or hope could glimmer upon his heavy,
despairing heart. He sought for him as one who, feeling himself in
the grasp of Death, would seek for Life. He had long rejected him and
put him away; now, in his hour of anguish and extremity, his face and
his peace were hard to find. Never had such utter silence reigned in
the stone house since its occupancy as reigned there now. Hagar kept
mostly within her own province, and Trafford sat day after day in the
dining-room, hardly stirring from thence. He had not entered the
library since the night of the shipwreck, neither had Hagar stepped
within the room, where all Noll's books and shells and treasures
gathered from the sea lay, and where everything hinted of the sunny,
joyous life which once had made the great room cheerful. Neither
looked within, as if they dreaded to recall the dear and pleasant
vision of the curly-haired boy who had lived and studied there. These
were the days in which Trafford groped in darkness and despondency.
Hagar set the table by his side, and brought him his meals, and
carried away the untasted viands, with much sighing and regret, but,
nevertheless, with joy in her heart.
"'Pears as ef 'twas a drefful t'ing fur de poor chile ter be suff'rin'
so," she would sigh to herself as she watched his worn and heavy face
on her passages through the room; "but Hagar's t'ankful 'nough to see
it, 'cause de poor chile'll find de Lord bimeby. Bress de Lord! Mas'r
Dick'll find him some time!"
A long and weary week passed away. Without, the world had never been
fairer, nor the sea lovelier. No storms lashed it, and the great world
of waves glittered calm and untroubled under the sun, with no hint of
death or woe in its purple evening lights or its bright morning
gleams.
Then, after this long seeking, a faint hope began to dawn in
Trafford's heart. He did not dare to give it heed or trust at
first,--he who had been in despair so long,--and when, at last, he
began to put forth feeble, trembling anticipations of the peace and
joy which might come when God's smile and forgiveness shone upon him,
this little ray of hope broadened and grew warmer and brighter, and he
began to look up out of his depths of anguish. It was long coming,--it
seemed at times to be utterly unattainable,--it was sometimes almost
within his heart, and then it fled from him; but at last it came, and
abode with him,--this peace which a poor, wandering soul feels after
it has found its Lord. Then he was at rest. He came out into Hagar's
kitchen one sunshiny afternoon, and, in answer to the old negress'
look of wonder and surprise at seeing him there, said, with a grave
joy thrilling his words,--
"Hagar, I have found him; and I do not think that his peace will ever
leave me, or that my heart will ever forget him."
Hagar got up off the bench where she was sitting, and came slowly
forward, saying, brokenly, "Bress de Lord, bress de Lord! dat's all
Hagar ken say. Oh, chile, ef ye knew how dis ole heart felt ter hear
ye say dem words! ef ye only c'u'd know! But ye nebber will till dis
ole woman gits such a tongue as de Lord'll gib her when she gets ter
heaben. Den Hagar ken tell ye!"
She followed him to the door, and sat down there in the sunshine,
softly blessing him again and again as she watched him follow the
thread of a path which led around to the piazza. Trafford paused
here, on the smooth sand by the piazza-steps, and looked out upon the
sea. It was like a new sea, and the very earth seemed not as of old,
for now God reigned over them, and it was his sunshine which fell so
brightly and broadly everywhere, and his smile and the knowledge of
his forgiveness which filled his heart with such utter peace and
tranquillity. This great joy and calm held him quiet for a little
space, and, when he turned about, his eyes fell upon the little
breadth of grass waving there by the step. One or two gay, crimson
asters nodded in the warm wind, planted there by the same hand that
watered and cared for the bit of turf. Trafford sat down by them,
stroking the turf's green blades, and gazing at the warm-hued flowers
through tears. "Gone--gone," they seemed to whisper as they softly
rustled. Somehow these tender, soulless things brought up the boy's
memory most vividly. He remembered how Noll sat on the same bit of
turf only those two short weeks ago with the warm wind blowing his
curly locks about his eyes while he looked off upon the sea. Who
thought of danger or death then? Who thought of death lying in wait in
that calm, shadowy sea? Trafford's tears fell thick and fast upon the
green blades, thinking of the lad. Did ever the sea quench a fairer,
brighter life? he wondered,--a life fuller of rich and generous
promise? Yet, only two short weeks ago,--short, in reality, but slow
and long in passing,--the boy had sat upon this little breadth of
verdure full of life and spirits and happiness.
"Ah!" sighed he, "I knew not a treasure I possessed till it passed
from me. Now that I have lost it, I see what a blissful life I might
have made for myself and it. God forgive me! but I was harsh and cruel
to the boy. I made his life darker and less joyous than it ought to
have been."
He sat here for a long time, till once more his face was calm and
undisturbed. Sometime, he thought, he might meet the boy face to face,
and tell him all that his heart longed to unburden itself of. He rose
up, at last, and went slowly in, pausing at the library-door. After a
few seconds of indecision, he opened it, and went softly in. The room
was cold and chilly from its long unoccupancy; but through one of the
high windows, and along the floor, streamed a broad bar of cheerful
sunlight. It fell right across Noll's study-table and the chair which
he was wont to occupy. Trafford moved forward, sat down in the chair,
and looked about him with misty eyes. Traces of the boy's presence
everywhere! The familiar school-books, open to the last lessons which
Trafford had heard him recite; bits of paper, with sums and solutions
traced thereon; copies of the fine and feathery sea-moss, which it was
the boy's delight to gather, with odd pebbles and shells, met his gaze
on either hand. He took up a scrap of paper from among the rest, and
found something thereon which the boy had written, evidently in an
idle moment. Trafford, however, read it not without emotion. It merely
said:--
"_Wednes., Aug. 24._--This is a long, gray, rainy day, and I have not
stirred out of the house. I am at this moment (or ought to be)
studying my Latin lesson. Uncle Richard has not spoken a word to me
since breakfast. I wish I knew what made him look so grim and sober
to-day, and I _do_ wish he would speak to me. When the fog lifted just
now, I fancied I saw a ship on the horizon, bound for Hastings, I
suppose. Oh, but I--"
Here the slight record was broken off. Perhaps the boy had gone back
to his Latin, or perhaps the passing ship had taken his thoughts along
with it to Hastings, and thus left the half-commenced exclamation
unfinished. Trafford read and reread the little bit of paper, and
folded it carefully, and put it away with the precious letter which
the boy's father had written on his dying-bed. Then he began to
gather up Noll's books, thinking to put them out of his sight, but
stopped before he had taken the third in his hand. Why hide them? Why
shut them up in darkness, as if some evil, dreaded memory were
connected with the sight of them? Had not everything about the boy and
his life been bright and pleasant to think of? He put the books back
in their places, saying to himself, "They shall stay where they are.
Hagar shall not move them, and I will have them before my eyes alway,
just as his dear hands left them? Why should I try to hide aught that
his blessed memory lingers around?"
So he left everything just as Noll's hands had placed them last, and
rose up from his chair, and went to his old familiar seat by the great
bookcase, where he had sat and pored over great volumes day after
day, and watched the boy at his studies. The portrait on the wall
looked down at him with its soft and tender eyes, and he thought, "Now
I may look at it without its reproaching me; for, dear heart, I have
begun to 'come up.' I have turned my eyes toward thy abode, and, God
helping me, I may some day hear thy own sweet voice. And though I may
never see the boy's face, and rejoice to look upon it as I do upon
thine, yet his pure memory lingers about everything that he loved and
touched, and his face can never be removed from my heart."
Calm and peaceful days passed, and the third week after the shipwreck
went by, and life in the stone house began to move on as it was wont
to do. Once more the red light from the library-window streamed out
into the night, but there was no Skipper Ben and his "Gull" for it to
guide. Not a sail had been seen near the Rock, and its inhabitants had
been shut out from the rest of mankind for three long weeks. That
which at first was only an inconvenience grew to be a serious matter
at last. The Culm folk, never very provident, exhausted their supply
of flour and meal, and had only fish to eat; and fish, with a little
salt, was not an extensive nor varied bill of fare.
In some way or another, Hagar discovered that the people had exhausted
all their stores, and through her it came to Trafford's ears.
"Nuffin but fish ter live on, an' not de greatest plenty o' dat,"
Hagar had said, standing beside Trafford's chair in the library.
The man started, as a sudden remembrance of forgotten duties came
into his mind. He had neglected to look after those Culm people,--he
had forgotten about Noll's school and its pupils. But it should be so
no longer, he resolved at once. That work which the boy loved and
desired to complete, he would take up and carry out. It should be a
pleasure and delight. He would gather up the broken, half-completed
plans, and make it the work of his life to perfect them as Noll would
have done. Now the inmates of the stone house were not well supplied
with provisions, as the winter stores had not been laid in. There was
no telling when another ship would touch at Culm, but, in all
probability, it would be soon. The skipper must have friends
somewhere, who would be searching for his whereabouts. Trafford
divided his supplies with the fishermen, trusting that ere long some
sail would appear, bound for the Rock, or within signalling distance
of it. He walked often by the sea, looking toward Hastings, and trying
in vain to discern some sail bound hitherward. He walked over to Culm
village, and lingered about the little room where Noll's school had
been, and resolved that the plan of a new schoolroom, with good seats,
benches, and a faithful teacher, should be carried out if ever
communication was opened between the Rock and Hastings. And if no
teacher could be got for the winter, he would teach the children
himself. He wondered whether there were any chairs or benches left
from the cargo of the "Gull," remembering that Noll was to bring
school-furniture from Hastings with him; but, though he searched long
and keenly among the timbers and refuse which the sea had thrown up,
he could not find so much as a bit of varnished wood that looked as if
it might have belonged to a desk or chair. At this he wondered, but
thought, "The poor boy was unsuccessful, or else the sea refuses to
give up aught that was his, as well as himself."
And still he watched and waited for a sail, thinking that if none came
soon, a way must be devised for getting to Hastings.