WHITE. (_rises and goes to PAWKINS_) That's awkward!
PAWKINS. Yes; it is awkward!
WHITE. But we won't flinch! Mr. De Windsor, I must say your society is
not the most select. (_pulls chair from under PAWKINS_)
FERGUS. (_crossing to L., and collaring PAWKINS_) And now, you
villain--you destwoyer of my domestic peace--what have you to say for
yourself?
PAWKINS. Why, I cannot say nuffing, while you goes on choking me like
that! (_FERGUSON lets go_) That's better! Well, then, I didn't have no
thoughts about Mrs. Ferguson--Mrs. Ferguson don't come up to my hideas
of female beauty. (_snaps his fingers_) That for Mrs. Ferguson! If you
will tear from me the secrets of my 'art, I com'd arter Jemima, Mrs.
Ferguson's young 'oman--there, now, ye knows all about it. I've told
the truth, and I can shame--Ferguson!
THWAITES. (_comes forward, L._) So, Mr. Pawkins, it was Mrs.
Ferguson's Jemima, was it? Are you aware, sir, that I pay my
attentions in that quarter? Are you aware that I'm Thwaites?
PAWKINS. Are you, indeed?--who says you ain't? There ain't no
advantage in being Thwaites, as I sees--I don't want to be Thwaites.
You're one of them swells as takes out a young 'oman on a holiday, and
grumbles at the expense all the blessed way there, and all the blessed
way back;--you prefers the ha'penny boat to the penny, and you prefers
walking to heither. Thwaites, you ain't the favored man, so drop Miss
Jemima;--I don't say what I'll do if you don't--but just take an 'int,
and drop Miss Jemima.
(_AGATHA and DE WINDSOR come forward, R._)
AGATHA. (R.) Really, papa, this is an extremely vulgar scene, at our
party.
DE W. (R. C.) Disgustingly so, my dear--but join the guests, and make
the best of it. (_AGATHA retires up_)
WHITE. (_coming forward, C._) Well, father-in-law, I hope you are
satisfied now!
DE W. Mr. Pawkins, I have an apology to make to you--you'll think it
very absurd--but I--I--ha, ha!--I scarcely know how to express it--but
I actually took you for a thief!
PAWKINS. (L. C.) You ain't the first, else I shouldn't have been tried
at the Hold Bailey this morning. Look ye--a fellow chucks a watch into
my umbrella----
WHITE. (C.) Yes, yes, we know all about that; besides, you are
completely cleared.
DE W. (R.) Perfectly; your character is as cloudless as a fine day in
July, and I am about to give you the most convincing proof of my
confidence.
PAWKINS. (_aside_) He's going to ask me to shave him!
DE W. (_crossing to C._) I have long been looking out for a man of
indubitable integrity, to act as my cashier; I keep nearly the whole
of my fortune locked up in a strong box, so I may as well give you the
key now. (_about to give key, WHITEWASH hastily comes between them_)
WHITE. (_C., intercepting_) No! no! what are you about? A thief!--a
common pickpocket!
DE W. (R.) Ha, ha! victory!--you admit it, do you?
(_retires to GUESTS, R._)
WHITE. (_aside_) Caught, by all that's unlucky!
PAWKINS. (L.) Come, I say, master, this 'ere won't do: when I looks
black, you makes me white; and when I'm whitened, you makes me black:
I've a jolly good mind to----
WHITE. Oh, go to the devil!
_Enter THWAITES, C. from L., with a letter._
THWAITES. (_to WHITEWASH_) Please, sir, a knowin' party, as calls
himself your clerk, has brought this. (_gives letter to WHITEWASH;
WHITEWASH opens letter at first with indifference, but proceeds to
read with eagerness; DE WINDSOR, AGATHA, and FERGUSON come forward,
R._)
DE W. (R. C.) My dear, this matter is settled; you shall be the wife
of Mr. Tango.
AGATHA. (R.) La, papa! how shocking!
FERGUS. (_coming down R._) I beg your pardon; you don't mean Tom
Tango, of the Stock Exchange?
DE W. Yes, I do.
AGATHA. Then you haven't heard the news: he was declared a defaulter
this vewy afternoon.
DE W. The devil! One swindles--another tells lies: where can I find an
honest man?
WHITE. (_rises, having been seated while reading letter_) Here!
(_leading PAWKINS forward_) Look at that face--and read that letter?
(_gives it_) The sum and substance of it is this: A notorious
pickpocket has just been arrested, and retains me for the
defence--confessing that he threw the watch into Pawkins' umbrella.
PAWKINS. Does he? Then there's some good in the waggerbone after all.
DE W. Well,--as a barrister who twaddles, is better than a stock
jobber who waddles--here's my daughter. (_joins the hands of WHITEWASH
and AGATHA_)
PAWKINS. Ah! werry good! Jines hands and gives the paternal blessing!
All right and proper! But wot good comes to me on it all? It strikes
me you are a rum lot--you are. There's this 'ere wenerable party--(DE
WINDSOR) asks me to 'is house--gives me a hice, which doesn't agree
with me, and does me out o' three bob at cards! Here's another chap
(FERGUSON) as talks as if he had gooseberries in his mouth, and tries
to stop my windpipe. Then here's a sort o' costermonger in disguise
(THWAITES) as interferes with my young 'oman.--And here--(WHITEWASH)
here's the wust villain on 'em all. Ladies and gents, if I'm in any
trouble touching your good-will--him's the party you must pitch
into--cos vy? Don't you see? He's retained for the defence.
WHITE. That won't do! I haven't had a refresher.
PAWKINS. Haven't you? Then take your refresher there--(_pointing to
AUDIENCE_) that's my refresher. Give me them 'ere parties on my side,
and hang me if I'll want any defence at all!
FERGUS. DE W. AGATHA. WHITE. PAWKINS. THWAITES.
R. L.
Curtain.