_Exeunt DE WINDSOR and WHITEWASH, C. off L._
AGATHA. (_looking about_) Very foolish of my aunt not to fasten her
bracelet better. It can't be here;--I don't believe she has been in
this room. Tut, tut! (_goes up, R._)
_Enter THWAITES, L. D. 2 E._
THWAITES. (_announcing_) Mr. Pawkins!
_Enter PAWKINS, L. D. 2 E., he bows on all sides as if the room were
full of company. Exit THWAITES, L._
PAWKINS. Why, I'm blessed if there's a soul here!--it's werry
inconsistent bowing to two strings of nobody. (_suddenly sees AGATHA,
R._) Oh, I beg pardon, miss;--perhaps you may think it's like my
impedence, but is the gov'ner in?
AGATHA. The--the--governor?
PAWKINS. Yes, the gov'ner here; not my gov'ner--no, bless you, he's
been under hatches long ago. I want Mr.--I've got his letter
somewhere--Mr.--he's something in the fancy soap line.
AGATHA. Oh, my papa--Mr. De Windsor.
PAWKINS. Him's it! So he's your papa, is he? Well then, I say you do
him credit: I say it afore your face, and I wouldn't mind saying it
behind your back.
AGATHA. (_aside_) A singularly vulgar person! but 'pa does pick up
such strange friends in the City.
PAWKINS. Before we go any further I should like to settle one pint:
I've picked up this here gimcrack thing on the staircase. (_producing
bracelet from his coat pocket_)
AGATHA. (_R., catches it from his hand_) My aunt's bracelet! My dear
sir, a thousand--thousand thanks!
_Exit AGATHA, C._
PAWKINS. A thousand, thousand thanks!--my dear sir, too! Uncommon
pretty behaved young person!--a child will take a deal of whipping
afore it gets up to that pint of good manners. A shilling slipped in
one's hand would have given a finishing touch to the compliment; but
one can't have it all one's own way; then her pretty smile were worth
more nor a shilling a precious sight. Ah, bless her heart! she'd ha'
know'd fast enough that the man who picks up bracelets, and gives them
to the right owner, ain't exactly the sort of article as prigs
watches.
_Re-enter DE WINDSOR, C., and down, L._
DE W. (L.) Really a charming scene! most exhilarating! (_sees PAWKINS,
R._) Eh! why, he's here at last! Pawkins, the persecuted! (_shakes his
hand violently_) My dear sir, I'm delighted to see you.
PAWKINS. (_wringing his hand_) Thank you; but draw it a little mild.
DE W. (L.) Mr. Pawkins, you are one of the men I like.
PAWKINS. Same to you, sir. You are Mr. De--de--fancy soap line, sir?
DE W. De Windsor.
PAWKINS. Well then, sir, two minutes ago I told the young 'oman she
was a credit to you, and now I don't mind telling you you're a credit
to the young 'oman.
DE W. (_aside_) Somewhat coarse; but frank and genial.
PAWKINS. You've sent me a sort o' note, sir, as the saying is, asking
me to come here; but it strikes me there's some mistake.
DE W. Not in the least, Mr. Pawkins, not in the least. Take a seat.
PAWKINS. (_sits, R. after putting down umbrella, R._) That's all right
then. At all events I've brought the tongs in my pocket.
DE W. The tongs?--rather a singular proceeding!--and the shovel?
PAWKINS. No; get out with you--I mean the curling irons.
DE W. (_coldly_) I--I begin to comprehend; Mr. Pawkins, you are a
hair-dresser.
PAWKINS. No; that's where you put your foot in it. I ain't a regular
hair-dresser for a nobby concern like this. I cuts a little in the
common way, but I am chiefly in the easy shaving line.
DE W. I understand, you keep a hair-cutting saloon frequented by
gentlemen only.
PAWKINS. I calls it a shop, sir, but if you calls it a s'loon it's
werry kind on you, and I'm much obliged, and if you calls my customers
gen'leman, they ought to be werry much obliged to you too.
DE W. (_aside_) Ha! I wish he had been a little higher in the social
scale--but no matter. His wrongs have been extraordinary, society owes
him an extraordinary reparation. Mr. Pawkins, I trust Mrs. Pawkins and
the children are quite well?
PAWKINS. Mrs. Pawkins and the children--ha, ha, ha! Them's as well as
can be expected.
DE W. I see--a recent increase to the family.
PAWKINS. Recent gammon! Why there ain't no Mrs. Pawkins--there ain't
even a young un.
DE W. Bless me! (_aside_) I'm sure Whitewash talked about small
children.
_WHITEWASH runs in C. from L._
WHITE. Mr. De Windsor, sir--(_aside_) Egad! the rascal's in full
confab. Sir----(_pushes himself between PAWKINS and DE WINDSOR, C._)
PAWKINS. (R.) Why, I'm blest if here ain't my professional gen'leman!
DE W. (L.) Ah, sir, Mr. Whitewash is your true friend.
PAWKINS. No mistake about that! No, Mr. Whitewash, I'm a poor man, but
if there's any way of shewing my gratitude----
WHITE. (_whispers_) There's an exceedingly cheap way. Make some excuse
and take yourself off as fast as your legs can carry you.
PAWKINS. Ah, he is indeed a friend! (_crosses to C._) Look here, Mr.
De----what's your name? There I stud reading the bill of the Royal
Victoria Theatre--something about Will Watch, the Bold Smuggler, when,
as if it was done o' purpose, some one smuggles a watch into my
umbrella!
WHITE. Yes, yes, we know all about that, the story is exceedingly
plausible, and I have told it already, much better than you can, in
the presence of this gentleman.
PAWKINS. They lugs me about--they takes me off against my will.
WHITE. Well, then, now indulge in the free exercise of your will, by
taking yourself off.
(_some of the COMPANY pass across at back of C. doors, from L. to R._)
PAWKINS. Stop a bit! though I mostly sticks to the easy shaving line,
I've a mind as can soar to the higher branches. That 'ere head of hair
is uncommon well got up, the one with the pearls, I mean. Just allow
me to have a look, gov'ner, I'll be back in a twinkling.
_Exit, C., and off, R._
DE W. (L.) Exuberant--unsophisticated creature!
WHITE. Oh, perfectly unsophisticated! I only wish he had not fixed on
the only head dress in the room that gives a notion of positive value?
No, no, I must not hesitate any longer. Look here, my dear, sir, you
are a man of heart--I may say, a noble creature--and it's one of the
specific weaknesses of noble creatures, to fancy everybody else as
noble as themselves. Now, suppose this favourite of yours, this
Pawkins, were really a little light fingered; suppose the dazzling
brilliancy of one of your table spoons caused him to forget the
distinction between _meum_ and _tuum_. Under these painful
circumstances, what would you say?
DE W. I should say that you were the most lying humbug I ever clapped
eyes on.
WHITE. Heyday! Why?
DE W. Why, didn't you stand up before the judge and jury, and bellow
out your belief in that man's immaculate virtue. Did you not clap your
hand on your heart, and declare that our country might be proud of
such a citizen; and St. Giles's in the Fields proud of such a
parishioner? Did not you cause me to blubber aloud, till I was turned
ignominiously out of court, as a charity boy is kicked out by a
beadle? And am I to understand that all that rhodomontade, followed by
that expulsion, was for the sake of a pickpocket? Abominable!
Disgusting!
WHITE. But surely, you understand, my dear sir, that when one speaks
professionally----
DE W. Sir, no one has business to tell lies, professionally or not; a
man should always speak what he thinks. I follow the dictates of my
heart, and I always speak what I think; my heart is in my heart, and
my heart is in my mouth.
WHITE. What a complicated piece of anatomy you must be.
DE W. I say, my heart is in my mouth.
WHITE. Then I wish you would swallow it, and say no more about it.
DE W. Yes, I dare say you think that a very good joke, but what I am
going to tell you is no joke. If Pawkins is a thief, you shan't have
my daughter, and Tango shall.
WHITE. Monstrous!
DE W. Not at all, I give you my girl because I regard you as a noble
defender of persecuted innocence; but if persecuted innocence turns
out to be a low pilfering scoundrel, I naturally retract.
WHITE. But, my dear, sir, the doctrine you so strangely maintain is
diametrically opposed to the very principles of British jurisprudence.
It is one of the high privileges of our blessed country, and of
several others, that even the vilest and meanest criminal is allowed a
professional defender in the courts of justice.
DE W. Sir, it is one of the high privileges of our blessed country,
and of several others, that a man need not give away his daughter
where he don't like.
WHITE. But, sir, by virtue of my profession I am positively bound
to----
DE W. Well, I don't say you're not. But an honest man, sir, should
have nothing to do with clients that don't come into court with clean
hands.
WHITE. My dear Mr. De Windsor, borrow a little wisdom from your own
business. If everybody had clean hands, what would become of the soap
trade?
DE W. Go, go, and defend every pickpocket, forger, coiner,
housebreaker, in London. I don't want to hinder you, I only say that I
won't give my daughter to a man who makes respectable people blubber
till they are shoved out of court, on purpose to defeat the ends of
justice.
WHITE. Then, sir, I suppose, because he furthers the ends of justice,
you would give your daughter to the hangman.
DE W. (_puzzled_) Ahem! I shall not condescend to answer an argument
so obviously sophistical. I only repeat what I said before. If Pawkins
is a thief you sha'n't have my daughter.
WHITE. (_aside_) Reason is wasted on this old blockhead! I must try
another tack. (_aloud_) Ah, you have passed nobly through the ordeal.
Just to sound you I hinted at the remote possibility of Pawkins'
guilt, but he is in point of fact, as we both know, innocent as the
babe unborn. Did not the jury say so? However, ta, ta! for the
present, sir. (_aside_) I must look out, egad! I was only retained as
the rascal's counsel, but I find I am his bail.
_Exit, C., off L._
DE W. I'm sure he spoke of five small children! No; decidedly this
legal morality won't suit me. No, no--no barrister for me--decidedly a
stockjobber!
_Enter THWAITES, C., from R._
THWAITES. Please, sir, the parties which is in t'other room can't get
on without you.
DE W. I'm coming! Bull and bears have the day!
_Exit, C., and off, R., followed by THWAITES._
_Re-enter WHITEWASH, dragging PAWKINS by the collar, from L. C._
PAWKINS. (L.) Come now, I say, draw it mild! You'll spile my best
coat; I only took it out a purpose to come here.
WHITE. (R.) Pawkins, we are alone--Pawkins, as your professional
adviser, you are bound to tell me everything. Pawkins, when you came
here, what was your intention?
PAWKINS. Why, I com'd here in the hope of doing something in the way
of business.
WHITE. Business, indeed! Why, there were all the streets of London
open to your ingenuity, and you must pick out the residence of my
father-in-law. (_takes stage to R._)
PAWKINS. (_following him up_) Well, I didn't know it was your
father-in-law--and if it is, what's the hodds? This 'ere Mr.--summat
in the fancy soap line, sends me a hinwite, and so I comes with the
tongs in my pocket--well, it turns out he don't want the tongs, but
he's taken a likin' to me. That arn't no fault o' mine is it? I never
tries to be extra agreeable. (_returns to C. of stage_)
WHITE. (_aside_) Perhaps the miserable wretch has commenced already.
What have you been doing with yourself?
PAWKINS. Why, I've been a looking at them silver gimcracks on the
sideboard, and I says to myself--my eyes! if one of them five
thingumbobs as don't seem no use here belonged to me----
WHITE. (_aside_) Unhappy train of thought! Allow me for a
moment----(_puts his hand in the tail pocket of PAWKINS'S coat_)
PAWKINS. What are you about?
WHITE. Professional! professional!
PAWKINS. Well, I always heerd you lawyers was tidy uns for putting
your hands in people's pockets.
WHITE. (_pulls out tongs_) What's this? a spoon!
PAWKINS. You're a spoon yourself! It's the tongs.
WHITE. For a wonder he speaks the truth. Now mark, I'm your
professional adviser, and I advise you to be off as soon as you can.
PAWKINS. Well, I don't mind; I've seen all there is to be seen, and it
arn't half so good as skittles. Between you and I, the gov'ner here
seems to have laid out a precious sight of money for werry little fun.
_Enter DE WINDSOR, R. C., and down, L._
WHITE. (R.) Go, cut short your moral reflections, and go! (_pushing
PAWKINS towards C._)
DE W. Why, Mr. Pawkins, what's the cause of this singular hurry?
PAWKINS. (_returns to C._) Well, I don't know; you see, I felt I was
somehow in the way like. Nobody says nuffin to me, and I say nuffin to
nobody.
WHITE. (R.) Besides, an affair of the most pressing importance.
DE W. Very pressing, indeed! Humbug! You'll stop supper, my dear Mr.
Pawkins?
PAWKINS. (C.) Oh, well, if there's anything in the way o' wittles a
coming, that alters the view of the case.
DE W. The supper will be served in silver plate,--in silver--in
silver.
PAWKINS. What, real silver? like that out there? Don't bother
yourself, gov'ner, I'll stop.
DE W. (_aside_) Ha! ha! I've tickled my trout!
WHITE. (_aside, R._) The old gent is playing against me, that's
certain.
_Re-enter THWAITES, C., with a tray of ices._
DE W. (L.) Thwaites!
THWAITES. (_coming down L. C._) At your service, sir.
(_THWAITES hands tray to PAWKINS, who first takes an ice, then a
spoon, and eats during the following scene_)
DE W. (_drawing THWAITES aside, L._) You observe that person?
THWAITES. Yes, sir: I don't think him much 'count, sir.
DE W. If that man steals anything, you shall have a couple of
sovereigns.
THWAITES. No!
DE W. Spread out the plate as much as you can, give him every
opportunity.
WHITE. (_R., beckons THWAITES to him, at back_) Here, waiter!
THWAITES. (_going to WHITEWASH at back, R. C._) Yes, sir!
WHITE. If that fellow with the ice leaves the house without stealing
anything, there's a five pound note for you. (_to THWAITES_)
(_DE WINDSOR walks round and round PAWKINS, with handkerchief dangling
from his pocket, during dialogue_)
THWAITES. The deuce!
WHITE. And do your best to keep the plate as much out of his reach as
possible.
THWAITES. Can't be done, sir; can't be done. Gov'ner orders the
contrary.
PAWKINS. I can't make him out!
WHITE. Here, Pawkins, my good fellow, how do you like your ice?
PAWKINS. First rate! Beats the penny un's all to shivers!
WHITE. Ha! ha! But now you have finished it, you have no occasion for
the spoon. (_takes it_)
(_THWAITES on the other side takes empty glass from PAWKINS, and exit
C._)
PAWKINS. I can't make him out!
WHITE. (_aside_) I'll stick to him like a leech!
_Enter AGATHA, C. from L. and down R._
AGATHA. (R.) Mr. Whitewash, have you forgotten your engagement, the
first quadrille? Oh, fie! fie! they are waiting!
WHITE. (R. C.) I'm sure I beg a thousand pardons, but you see just at
this moment----(_pockets the spoon_)
PAWKINS. I can't make any on 'em out!
WHITE. (_whispers PAWKINS_) If so much as a salt-spoon is missing you
are a dead man!
_Exeunt WHITEWASH and AGATHA, C., off L._
PAWKINS. (R. C.) I say, gov'ner, about our young friend here; when
he's on the spree like, as he is now, don't you think he's a bit
cranky? Do you think all's right here? (_touching his head_) If I
behaved like that to my young woman, wouldn't there be a row neither.
DE W. (_aside_) Ha! the card table! A trap I didn't think of! I say,
Mr. Pawkins, have you any objection to a hand at cards?
PAWKINS. Not a bit on it.
DE W. Of course you play ecarté?
PAWKINS. Of course I don't; I never heerd on it.
DE W. Well--cribbage?
PAWKINS. I knows nuffin of cribbage.
DE W. Picquet?
PAWKINS. Eh?
DE W. Picquet?
PAWKINS. Pick hay? I knows nuffin about pick hay; I was werry nigh
being sent to pick oakum!
DE W. Well, what shall we play? Suppose we cut for a shilling a game.
PAWKINS. A shilling! Come! I was thinking of a fourpenny bit; but
there's nothing like pluck. I say, I hopes you keeps your temper when
you loses, for I give you fair warning, I shan't let you go till I've
got something out of you.
DE W. Affected candour! but it won't do.
(_they go up to table, L.--DE WINDSOR takes cards out of drawers of
table and they sit--DE WINDSOR, L. and PAWKINS, R., and they begin
cutting cards--staking money as they play._
PAWKINS. Well, you are a going it, you are--(_plays again--aside_)
Gov'ner can't be coming the old soldier! Oh, it's a do and no mistake!
I must have a eye on this old bird.
_Enter WHITEWASH, C. from L._
WHITE. Thank heaven I'm free again! What! cards! the devil! (_steals
up to table, and whispers to PAWKINS_) Lose!
PAWKINS. Eh?
WHITE. (R.) Lose, I say.
PAWKINS. (C.) Hang it. I have!
DE W. (_sees WHITEWASH--aside_) Oh! I see, the rascal's had his cue.
PAWKINS. There, I shan't play any more; you've got your three bob, and
if ever you catch me at it again, it'll do you good. (_rises and goes
forward--aside to WHITEWASH_) One good turn deserves another, I'll
give you an 'int. Don't let the old gov'ner there get you down to
cards, he's a downy 'un, he is!
DE W. Let me see. (_rings money on table_) No! nothing wrong! I have
not caught him yet!
_Enter THWAITES, C. from L., announcing._
THWAITES. (C.) Mr. Ferguson.
_Enter FERGUSON, C. from L., DE WINDSOR goes up to C. door to meet
him._
PAWKINS. It's a gent as knows more about me than I want. (_goes across
to R. for umbrella_)
WHITE. (R. C.) Ah! the owner of some stray pocket handkerchief! Make a
rush at the door!
PAWKINS. (_crosses to L. D._) Bolted, by jingo!
WHITE. This last stroke will finish me!
DE W. (_coming down, R. C._) Allow me, my dear, Mr. Ferguson, to
introduce you to my intended son-in-law.
FERGUS. (_down R._) Sir, allow me to congwatulate you on your vewy
interwesting position.
DE W. Mr. Whitewash, sir, is one of the brightest ornaments of the
legal profession, and this gentleman is one of his most ornamental
clients.
FERGUS. Vewy much delighted. (_bowing to PAWKINS_) Heyday! Here is
certainly a party who has taken me by surpwise.
DE W. What do you mean?
FERGUS. I mean that a certain party, a fwiend of mine, found that
party (_pointing to PAWKINS_) in his cupboard, at thwee o'clock in the
morning.
DE W. (R. C.) All right! You are quite sure of your man?
FERGUS. (R.) Oh, perfectly! (_aside_) Seeing that the fwiend was
myself. (_goes up a little_)
DE W. (_rubs his hands_) Capital! capital! Tango wins the day!
WHITE. (_seated, L. C._) Father-in-law looks pleased--that's unlucky.
(_rises_)
DE W. Come here, my orator! come here, my Cicero! I've a bit of news
for you;--Tango will have my daughter--ha, ha, ha! (_pokes WHITEWASH
in the ribs_)
WHITE. (L. C.) What, sir! you, a man of heart, who have given your
word to me----
DE W. Yes, if Pawkins turned out all right; but he don't--he don't--he
don't--ha, ha, ha!
WHITE. Mr. De Windsor, allow me to remark, that an innocent man's
character is not to be impugned without sufficient ground. Come here,
Pawkins. (_whispers to him, "Brazen it out"_) Pawkins, a malignant
slanderer says you are fishy, but you ain't, are you?
PAWKINS. (L.) Not as I am aware on.
DE W. Then, most respectable Mr. Pawkins, what were you doing in a
certain cupboard at three o'clock in the morning?
WHITE. Ha! the case is desperate, and a desperate effort must be made.
_AGATHA and several GUESTS enter from L. C., and form an AUDIENCE, R._
Listen, all parties present.
DE W. (R. C.) Well, talk away, and make the best of it.
WHITE. Look at the face of this worthy man. Pawkins, get into the
dock! (_places him on chair, L., and turns another chair round to lean
on, &c._) Examine every lineament.
PAWKINS. (_on chair, L._) Come, come, you do make one look such a
fool!
WHITE. (L. C.) Believe me, this excellent man is one of those rare
natures that are seldom to be found. Ask the independent electors of
Marylebone, whom they would place in the van.
PAWKINS. I've been in the wan!
WHITE. Whom they would place in the van as the staunchest champion of
their interests. They will answer Pawkins! Ask the poor----(_takes
tongs from his own pocket_)
PAWKINS. Them's my tongs!
WHITE. (_throws them on table_) Ask the poor--the suffering poor--whom
they regard as their kindest benefactor. They will answer--Pawkins.
(_aside to him_) Cry!
PAWKINS. I can't! I say, ain't you pitching it raither too strong!
WHITE. They say we were found in a cupboard at three o'clock in the
morning. Well, we admit the trivial fact, we were in the cupboard.
PAWKINS. No, no, no!
WHITE. Though we have every high virtue, we are still but human; we
have hearts not altogether unsusceptible to female beauty. (_FERGUSON
comes forward, R., in great agitation_) Do you now persist in asking
why we were in the cupboard? Well, then, we were there for the sake of
one of the fair sex.