Draw out his Table-booke.
Peda. He draweth out the thred of his verbositie, finer
then the staple of his argument. I abhor such phanaticall
phantasims, such insociable and poynt deuise
companions, such rackers of ortagriphie, as to speake
dout fine, when he should say doubt; det, when he shold
pronounce debt; debt, not det: he clepeth a Calf, Caufe:
halfe, haufe: neighbour vocatur nebour; neigh abreuiated
ne: this is abhominable, which he would call abhominable
it insinuateth me of infamie: ne inteligis domine, to
make franticke, lunaticke?
Cura. Laus deo, bene intelligo
Peda. Bome boon for boon prescian, a little scratcht, 'twil
serue.
Enter Bragart, Boy.
Curat. Vides ne quis venit?
Peda. Video, & gaudio
Brag. Chirra
Peda. Quari Chirra, not Sirra?
Brag. Men of peace well incountred
Ped. Most millitarie sir salutation
Boy. They haue beene at a great feast of Languages,
and stolne the scraps
Clow. O they haue liu'd long on the almes-basket of
words. I maruell thy M[aster]. hath not eaten thee for a word,
for thou art not so long by the head as
honorificabilitu%dinitatibus:
Thou art easier swallowed then a flapdragon
Page. Peace, the peale begins
Brag. Mounsier, are you not lettred?
Page. Yes, yes, he teaches boyes the Horne-booke:
What is Ab speld backward with the horn on his head?
Peda. Ba, puericia with a horne added
Pag. Ba most seely Sheepe, with a horne: you heare
his learning
Peda. Quis quis, thou Consonant?
Pag. The last of the fiue Vowels if You repeat them,
or the fift if I
Peda. I will repeat them: a e I
Pag. The Sheepe, the other two concludes it o u
Brag. Now by the salt waue of the mediteranium, a
sweet tutch, a quicke venewe of wit, snip snap, quick &
home, it reioyceth my intellect, true wit
Page. Offered by a childe to an olde man: which is
wit-old
Peda. What is the figure? What is the figure?
Page. Hornes
Peda. Thou disputes like an Infant: goe whip thy
Gigge
Pag. Lend me your Horne to make one, and I will
whip about your Infamie vnum cita a gigge of a Cuckolds
horne
Clow. And I had but one penny in the world, thou
shouldst haue it to buy Ginger bread: Hold, there is the
very Remuneration I had of thy Maister, thou halfpenny
purse of wit, thou Pidgeon-egge of discretion. O & the
heauens were so pleased, that thou wert but my Bastard;
What a ioyfull father wouldst thou make mee? Goe to,
thou hast it ad dungil, at the fingers ends, as they say
Peda. Oh I smell false Latine, dunghel for vnguem
Brag. Arts-man preambulat, we will bee singled from
the barbarous. Do you not educate youth at the Charghouse
on the top of the Mountaine?
Peda. Or Mons the hill
Brag. At your sweet pleasure, for the Mountaine
Peda. I doe sans question
Bra. Sir, it is the Kings most sweet pleasure and affection,
to congratulate the Princesse at her Pauilion, in
the posteriors of this day, which the rude multitude call
the after-noone
Ped. The posterior of the day, most generous sir, is liable,
congruent, and measurable for the after-noone: the
word is well culd, chose, sweet, and apt I doe assure you
sir, I doe assure
Brag. Sir, the King is a noble Gentleman, and my familiar,
I doe assure ye very good friend: for what is inward
betweene vs, let it passe. I doe beseech thee remember
thy curtesie. I beseech thee apparell thy head:
and among other importunate & most serious designes,
and of great import indeed too: but let that passe, for I
must tell thee it will please his Grace (by the world)
sometime to leane vpon my poore shoulder, and with
his royall finger thus dallie with my excrement, with my
mustachio: but sweet heart let that passe. By the world
I recount no fable, some certaine speciall honours it
pleaseth his greatnesse to impart to Armado a Souldier,
a man of trauell, that hath seene the world: but let that
passe; the very all of all is: but sweet heart I do implore
secrecie, that the King would haue mee present the
Princesse (sweet chucke) with some delightfull ostentation,
or show, or pageant, or anticke, or fire-worke:
Now, vnderstanding that the Curate and your sweet self
are good at such eruptions, and sodaine breaking out of
myrth (as it were) I haue acquainted you withall, to
the end to craue your assistance
Peda. Sir, you shall present before her the Nine Worthies.
Sir Holofernes, as concerning some entertainment
of time, some show in the posterior of this day, to bee
rendred by our assistants the Kings command: and this
most gallant, illustrate and learned Gentleman, before
the Princesse: I say none so fit as to present the Nine
Worthies
Curat. Where will you finde men worthy enough to
present them?
Peda. Iosua, your selfe: my selfe, and this gallant gentleman
Iudas Machabeus; this Swaine (because of his
great limme or ioynt) shall passe Pompey the great, the
Page Hercules
Brag. Pardon sir, error: He is not quantitie enough
for that Worthies thumb, hee is not so big as the end of
his Club
Peda. Shall I haue audience: he shall present Hercules
in minoritie: his enter and exit shall bee strangling a
Snake; and I will haue an Apologie for that purpose
Pag. An excellent deuice: so if any of the audience
hisse, you may cry, Well done Hercules, now thou crushest
the Snake; that is the way to make an offence gracious,
though few haue the grace to doe it
Brag. For the rest of the Worthies?
Peda. I will play three my selfe
Pag. Thrice worthy Gentleman
Brag. Shall I tell you a thing?
Peda. We attend
Brag. We will haue, if this fadge not, an Antique. I
beseech you follow
Ped. Via good-man Dull, thou hast spoken no word
all this while
Dull. Nor vnderstood none neither sir
Ped. Alone, we will employ thee
Dull. Ile make one in a dance, or so: or I will play
on the taber to the Worthies, & let them dance the hey
Ped. Most Dull, honest Dull, to our sport away.
Enter.
Enter Ladies.
Qu. Sweet hearts we shall be rich ere we depart,
If fairings come thus plentifully in.
A Lady wal'd about with Diamonds: Look you, what I
haue from the louing King
Rosa. Madam, came nothing else along with that?
Qu. Nothing but this: yes as much loue in Rime,
As would be cram'd vp in a sheet of paper
Writ on both sides the leafe, margent and all,
That he was faine to seale on Cupids name
Rosa. That was the way to make his god-head wax:
For he hath beene fiue thousand yeeres a Boy
Kath. I, and a shrewd vnhappy gallowes too
Ros. You'll nere be friends with him, a kild your sister
Kath. He made her melancholy, sad, and heauy, and
so she died: had she beene Light like you, of such a merrie
nimble stirring spirit, she might a bin a Grandam ere
she died. And so may you: For a light heart liues long
Ros. What's your darke meaning mouse, of this light
word?
Kat. A light condition in a beauty darke
Ros. We need more light to finde your meaning out
Kat. You'll marre the light by taking it in snuffe:
Therefore Ile darkely end the argument
Ros. Look what you doe, you doe it stil i'th darke
Kat. So do not you, for you are a light Wench
Ros. Indeed I waigh not you, and therefore light
Ka. You waigh me not, O that's you care not for me
Ros. Great reason: for past care, is still past cure
Qu. Well bandied both, a set of Wit well played.
But Rosaline, you haue a Fauour too?
Who sent it? and what is it?
Ros. I would you knew.
And if my face were but as faire as yours,
My Fauour were as great, be witnesse this.
Nay, I haue Verses too, I thanke Berowne,
The numbers true, and were the numbring too.
I were the fairest goddesse on the ground.
I am compar'd to twenty thousand fairs.
O he hath drawne my picture in his letter
Qu. Any thing like?
Ros. Much in the letters, nothing in the praise
Qu. Beauteous as Incke: a good conclusion
Kat. Faire as a text B. in a Coppie booke
Ros. Ware pensals. How? Let me not die your debtor,
My red Dominicall, my golden letter.
O that your face were full of Oes
Qu. A Pox of that iest, and I beshrew all Shrowes:
But Katherine, what was sent to you
From faire Dumaine?
Kat. Madame, this Gloue
Qu. Did he not send you twaine?
Kat. Yes Madame: and moreouer,
Some thousand Verses of a faithfull Louer.
A huge translation of hypocrisie,
Vildly compiled, profound simplicitie
Mar. This, and these Pearls, to me sent Longauile.
The Letter is too long by halfe a mile
Qu. I thinke no lesse: Dost thou wish in heart
The Chaine were longer, and the Letter short
Mar. I, or I would these hands might neuer part
Quee. We are wise girles to mocke our Louers so
Ros. They are worse fooles to purchase mocking so.
That same Berowne ile torture ere I goe.
O that I knew he were but in by th' weeke,
How I would make him fawne, and begge, and seeke,
And wait the season, and obserue the times,
And spend his prodigall wits in booteles rimes,
And shape his seruice wholly to my deuice,
And make him proud to make me proud that iests.
So pertaunt like would I o'resway his state,
That he shold be my foole, and I his fate
Qu. None are so surely caught, when they are catcht,
As Wit turn'd foole, follie in Wisedome hatch'd:
Hath wisedoms warrant, and the helpe of Schoole,
And Wits owne grace to grace a learned Foole?
Ros. The bloud of youth burns not with such excesse,
As grauities reuolt to wantons be
Mar. Follie in Fooles beares not so strong a note,
As fool'ry in the Wise, when Wit doth dote:
Since all the power thereof it doth apply,
To proue by Wit, worth in simplicitie.
Enter Boyet.
Qu. Heere comes Boyet, and mirth in his face
Boy. O I am stab'd with laughter, Wher's her Grace?
Qu. Thy newes Boyet?
Boy. Prepare Madame, prepare.
Arme Wenches arme, incounters mounted are,
Against your Peace, Loue doth approach, disguis'd:
Armed in arguments, you'll be surpriz'd.
Muster your Wits, stand in your owne defence,
Or hide your heads like Cowards, and flie hence
Qu. Saint Dennis to S[aint]. Cupid: What are they,
That charge their breath against vs? Say scout say
Boy. Vnder the coole shade of a Siccamore,
I thought to close mine eyes some halfe an houre:
When lo to interrupt my purpos'd rest,
Toward that shade I might behold addrest,
The King and his companions: warely
I stole into a neighbour thicket by,
And ouer-heard, what you shall ouer-heare:
That by and by disguis'd they will be heere.
Their Herald is a pretty knauish Page:
That well by heart hath con'd his embassage,
Action and accent did they teach him there.
Thus must thou speake, and thus thy body beare.
And euer and anon they made a doubt,
Presence maiesticall would put him out:
For quoth the King, an Angell shalt thou see:
Yet feare not thou, but speake audaciously.
The Boy reply'd, An Angell is not euill:
I should haue fear'd her, had she beene a deuill.
With that all laugh'd, and clap'd him on the shoulder,
Making the bold wagg by their praises bolder.
One rub'd his elboe thus, and fleer'd, and swore,
A better speech was neuer spoke before.
Another with his finger and his thumb,
Cry'd via, we will doo't, come what will come.
The third he caper'd and cried, All goes well.
The fourth turn'd on the toe, and downe he fell:
With that they all did tumble on the ground,
With such a zelous laughter so profound,
That in this spleene ridiculous appeares,
To checke their folly passions solemne teares
Que. But what, but what, come they to visit vs?
Boy. They do, they do; and are apparel'd thus,
Like Muscouites; or Russians, as I gesse.
Their purpose is to parlee, to court, and dance,
And euery one his Loue-feat will aduance,
Vnto his seuerall mistresse: which they'll know
By fauours seuerall, which they did bestow
Queen. And will they so? the Gallants shall be taskt:
For Ladies; we will euery one be maskt,
And not a man of them shall haue the grace
Despight of sute, to see a Ladies face.
Hold Rosaline, this Fauour thou shalt weare,
And then the King will court thee for his Deare:
Hold, take thou this my sweet, and giue me thine,
So shall Berowne take me for Rosaline.
And change your Fauours too, so shall your Loues
Woo contrary, deceiu'd by these remoues
Rosa. Come on then, weare the fauours most in sight
Kath. But in this changing, What is your intent?
Queen. The effect of my intent is to crosse theirs:
They doe it but in mocking merriment,
And mocke for mocke is onely my intent.
Their seuerall counsels they vnbosome shall,
To Loues mistooke, and so be mockt withall.
Vpon the next occasion that we meete,
With Visages displayd to talke and greete
Ros. But shall we dance, if they desire vs too't?
Quee. No, to the death we will not moue a foot,
Nor to their pen'd speech render we no grace:
But while 'tis spoke, each turne away his face
Boy. Why that contempt will kill the keepers heart,
And quite diuorce his memory from his part
Quee. Therefore I doe it, and I make no doubt,
The rest will ere come in, if he be out.
Theres no such sport, as sport by sport orethrowne:
To make theirs ours, and ours none but our owne.
So shall we stay mocking entended game,
And they well mockt, depart away with shame.
Sound.
Boy. The Trompet sounds, be maskt, the maskers
come.
Enter Black moores with musicke, the Boy with a speech, and the
rest of
the Lords disguised.
Page. All haile, the richest Beauties on the earth
Ber. Beauties no richer then rich Taffata
Pag. A holy parcell of the fairest dames that euer turn'd
their backes to mortall viewes.
The Ladies turne their backes to him.
Ber. Their eyes villaine, their eyes
Pag. That euer turn'd their eyes to mortall viewes.
Out
Boy. True, out indeed
Pag. Out of your fauours heauenly spirits vouchsafe
Not to beholde
Ber. Once to behold, rogue
Pag. Once to behold with your Sunne beamed eyes,
With your Sunne beamed eyes
Boy. They will not answer to that Epythite,
you were best call it Daughter beamed eyes
Pag. They do not marke me, and that brings me out
Bero. Is this your perfectnesse? be gon you rogue
Rosa. What would these strangers?
Know their mindes Boyet.
If they doe speake our language, 'tis our will
That some plaine man recount their purposes.
Know what they would?
Boyet. What would you with the Princes?
Ber. Nothing but peace, and gentle visitation
Ros. What would they, say they?
Boy. Nothing but peace, and gentle visitation
Rosa. Why that they haue, and bid them so be gon
Boy. She saies you haue it, and you may be gon
Kin. Say to her we haue measur'd many miles,
To tread a Measure with you on the grasse
Boy. They say that they haue measur'd many a mile,
To tread a Measure with you on this grasse
Rosa. It is not so. Aske them how many inches
Is in one mile? If they haue measur'd manie,
The measure then of one is easlie told
Boy. If to come hither, you haue measur'd miles,
And many miles: the Princesse bids you tell,
How many inches doth fill vp one mile?
Ber. Tell her we measure them by weary steps
Boy. She heares her selfe
Rosa. How manie wearie steps,
Of many wearie miles you haue ore-gone,
Are numbred in the trauell of one mile?
Bero. We number nothing that we spend for you,
Our dutie is so rich, so infinite,
That we may doe it still without accompt.
Vouchsafe to shew the sunshine of your face,
That we (like sauages) may worship it
Rosa. My face is but a Moone and clouded too
Kin. Blessed are clouds, to doe as such clouds do.
Vouchsafe bright Moone, and these thy stars to shine,
(Those clouds remooued) vpon our waterie eyne
Rosa. O vaine peticioner, beg a greater matter,
Thou now requests but Mooneshine in the water
Kin. Then in our measure, vouchsafe but one change.
Thou bidst me begge, this begging is not strange
Rosa. Play musicke then: nay you must doe it soone.
Not yet no dance: thus change I like the Moone
Kin. Will you not dance? How come you thus estranged?
Rosa. You tooke the Moone at full, but now shee's
changed?
Kin. Yet still she is the Moone, and I the Man
Rosa. The musick playes, vouchsafe some motion to
it: Our eares vouchsafe it
Kin. But your legges should doe it
Ros. Since you are strangers, & come here by chance,
Wee'll not be nice, take hands, we will not dance
Kin. Why take you hands then?
Rosa. Onelie to part friends.
Curtsie sweet hearts, and so the Measure ends
Kin. More measure of this measure, be not nice
Rosa. We can afford no more at such a price
Kin. Prise your selues: What buyes your companie?
Rosa. Your absence onelie
Kin. That can neuer be
Rosa. Then cannot we be bought: and so adue,
Twice to your Visore, and halfe once to you
Kin. If you denie to dance, let's hold more chat
Ros. In priuate then
Kin. I am best pleas'd with that
Be. White handed Mistris, one sweet word with thee
Qu. Hony, and Milke, and Suger: there is three
Ber. Nay then two treyes, an if you grow so nice
Methegline, Wort, and Malmsey; well runne dice:
There's halfe a dozen sweets
Qu. Seuenth sweet adue, since you can cogg,
Ile play no more with you
Ber. One word in secret
Qu. Let it not be sweet
Ber. Thou greeu'st my gall
Qu. Gall, bitter
Ber. Therefore meete
Du. Will you vouchsafe with me to change a word?
Mar. Name it
Dum. Faire Ladie:
Mar. Say you so? Faire Lord:
Take you that for your faire Lady
Du. Please it you,
As much in priuate, and Ile bid adieu
Mar. What, was your vizard made without a tong?
Long. I know the reason Ladie why you aske
Mar. O for your reason, quickly sir, I long
Long. You haue a double tongue within your mask,
And would affoord my speechlesse vizard halfe
Mar. Veale quoth the Dutch-man: is not Veale a
Calfe?
Long. A Calfe faire Ladie?
Mar. No, a faire Lord Calfe
Long. Let's part the word
Mar. No, Ile not be your halfe:
Take all and weane it, it may proue an Oxe
Long. Looke how you but your selfe in these sharpe
mockes.
Will you giue hornes chast Ladie? Do not so
Mar. Then die a Calfe before your horns do grow
Lon. One word in priuate with you ere I die
Mar. Bleat softly then, the Butcher heares you cry
Boyet. The tongues of mocking wenches are as keen
As is the Razors edge, inuisible:
Cutting a smaller haire then may be seene,
Aboue the sense of sence so sensible:
Seemeth their conference, their conceits haue wings,
Fleeter then arrows, bullets wind, thoght, swifter things
Rosa. Not one word more my maides, breake off,
breake off
Ber. By heauen, all drie beaten with pure scoffe
King. Farewell madde Wenches, you haue simple
wits.
Exeunt.
Qu. Twentie adieus my frozen Muscouits.
Are these the breed of wits so wondred at?
Boyet. Tapers they are, with your sweete breathes
puft out
Rosa. Wel-liking wits they haue, grosse, grosse, fat, fat
Qu. O pouertie in wit, Kingly poore flout.
Will they not (thinke you) hang themselues to night?
Or euer but in vizards shew their faces:
This pert Berowne was out of count'nance quite
Rosa. They were all in lamentable cases.
The King was weeping ripe for a good word
Qu. Berowne did sweare himselfe out of all suite
Mar. Dumaine was at my seruice, and his sword:
No point (quoth I:) my seruant straight was mute
Ka. Lord Longauill said I came ore his hart:
And trow you what he call'd me?
Qu. Qualme perhaps
Kat. Yes in good faith
Qu. Go sicknesse as thou art
Ros. Well, better wits haue worne plain statute caps,
But will you heare; the King is my loue sworne
Qu. And quicke Berowne hath plighted faith to me
Kat. And Longauill was for my seruice borne
Mar. Dumaine is mine as sure as barke on tree
Boyet. Madam, and prettie mistresses giue eare,
Immediately they will againe be heere
In their owne shapes: for it can neuer be,
They will digest this harsh indignitie
Qu. Will they returne?
Boy. They will they will, God knowes,
And leape for ioy, though they are lame with blowes:
Therefore change Fauours, and when they repaire,
Blow like sweet Roses, in this summer aire
Qu. How blow? how blow? Speake to bee vnderstood
Boy. Faire Ladies maskt, are Roses in their bud:
Dismaskt, their damaske sweet commixture showne,
Are Angels vailing clouds, or Roses blowne
Qu. Auant perplexitie: What shall we do,
If they returne in their owne shapes to wo?
Rosa. Good Madam, if by me you'l be aduis'd.
Let's mocke them still as well knowne as disguis'd:
Let vs complaine to them what fooles were heare,
Disguis'd like Muscouites in shapelesse geare:
And wonder what they were, and to what end
Their shallow showes, and Prologue vildely pen'd:
And their rough carriage so ridiculous,
Should be presented at our Tent to vs
Boyet. Ladies, withdraw: the gallants are at hand
Quee. Whip to our Tents, as Roes runnes ore Land.
Exeunt.
Enter the King and the rest.
King. Faire sir, God saue you. Wher's the Princesse?
Boy. Gone to her Tent.
Please it your Maiestie command me any seruice to her?
King. That she vouchsafe me audience for one word
Boy. I will, and so will she, I know my Lord.
Enter.
Ber. This fellow pickes vp wit as Pigeons pease,
And vtters it againe, when Ioue doth please.
He is Wits Pedler, and retailes his Wares,
At Wakes, and Wassels, Meetings, Markets, Faires.
And we that sell by grosse, the Lord doth know,
Haue not the grace to grace it with such show.
This Gallant pins the Wenches on his sleeue.
Had he bin Adam, he had tempted Eue.
He can carue too, and lispe: Why this is he,
That kist away his hand in courtesie.
This is the Ape of Forme, Monsieur the nice,
That when he plaies at Tables, chides the Dice
In honorable tearmes: Nay he can sing
A meane most meanly, and in Vshering
Mend him who can: the Ladies call him sweete.
The staires as he treads on them kisse his feete.
This is the flower that smiles on euerie one,
To shew his teeth as white as Whales bone.
And consciences that wil not die in debt,
Pay him the dutie of honie-tongued Boyet
King. A blister on his sweet tongue with my hart,
That put Armathoes Page out of his part.
Enter the Ladies.
Ber. See where it comes. Behauiour what wer't thou,
Till this madman shew'd thee? And what art thou now?
King. All haile sweet Madame, and faire time of day
Qu. Faire in all Haile is foule, as I conceiue
King. Construe my speeches better, if you may
Qu. Then wish me better, I wil giue you leaue
King. We came to visit you, and purpose now
To leade you to our Court, vouchsafe it then
Qu. This field shal hold me, and so hold your vow:
Nor God, nor I, delights in periur'd men
King. Rebuke me not for that which you prouoke:
The vertue of your eie must breake my oth
Q. You nickname vertue: vice you should haue spoke:
For vertues office neuer breakes men troth.
Now by my maiden honor, yet as pure
As the vnsallied Lilly, I protest,
A world of torments though I should endure,
I would not yeeld to be your houses guest:
So much I hate a breaking cause to be
Of heauenly oaths, vow'd with integritie
Kin. O you haue liu'd in desolation heere,
Vnseene, vnuisited, much to our shame
Qu. Not so my Lord, it is not so I sweare,
We haue had pastimes heere, and pleasant game,
A messe of Russians left vs but of late
Kin. How Madam? Russians?
Qu. I in truth, my Lord.
Trim gallants, full of Courtship and of state
Rosa. Madam speake true. It is not so my Lord:
My Ladie (to the manner of the daies)
In curtesie giues vndeseruing praise.
We foure indeed confronted were with foure
In Russia habit: Heere they stayed an houre,
And talk'd apace: and in that houre (my Lord)
They did not blesse vs with one happy word.
I dare not call them fooles; but this I thinke,
When they are thirstie, fooles would faine haue drinke
Ber. This iest is drie to me. Gentle sweete,
Your wits makes wise things foolish when we greete
With eies best seeing, heauens fierie eie:
By light we loose light; your capacitie
Is of that nature, that to your huge stoore,
Wise things seeme foolish, and rich things but poore
Ros. This proues you wise and rich: for in my eie
Ber. I am a foole, and full of pouertie
Ros. But that you take what doth to you belong,
It were a fault to snatch words from my tongue
Ber. O, I am yours, and all that I possesse
Ros. All the foole mine
Ber. I cannot giue you lesse
Ros. Which of the Vizards what it that you wore?
Ber. Where? when? What Vizard?
Why demand you this?
Ros. There, then, that vizard, that superfluous case,
That hid the worse, and shew'd the better face
Kin. We are discried,
They'l mocke vs now downeright
Du. Let vs confesse, and turne it to a iest
Que. Amaz'd my Lord? Why lookes your Highnes
sadde?
Rosa. Helpe hold his browes, hee'l sound: why looke
you pale?
Sea-sicke I thinke comming from Muscouie