OBLIGATIONS TO GENTLEMEN.
In her intercourse with gentlemen, a lady should take care to avoid all
pecuniary obligations. The civility that a gentleman conventionally owes
to a lady is a sufficient tax—more she has no right to expect, or to
accept. A man of good sense, and of true politeness, will not be
offended at her unwillingness to become his debtor. On the contrary, he
will respect her delicacy, and approve her dignity; and consent at once
to her becoming her own banker on all occasions where expense is to be
incurred. This is the custom in Europe; and is, in most cases, a very
good one.
When invited to join a party to a place of amusement, let her consent,
if she wishes; but let her state expressly that it is only on condition
of being permitted to pay for her own ticket. If she steadily adheres to
this custom, it will soon be understood that such is always her
commendable practice; and she can then, with perfect propriety, at any
time, ask for a seat among friends who intend going. To this
accommodation she could not invite herself, if in the continual habit of
visiting public places at the expense of others. The best time for a
lady to pay for herself is to put her money into the hand of the
gentleman _previous_ to their departure for the place of performance. He
will not be so rude as to refuse to take it. If he does refuse, she
should evince her resentment by going with him no more.
Young men of limited means are frequently drawn into expenses they can
ill afford, by being acquainted with young ladies who profess a passion
for equestrian exercises—a most inconvenient passion for one who has not
a horse of her own, or who lives in a family where no horses are kept.
If her gentleman is obliged to hire, not only a horse for himself, but
also one for the lady, let her have sufficient consideration _not_ to
propose to him that they should take rides together—and let her not draw
him into an invitation, by her dwelling excessively on the delight of
horseback excursions. In cities, these rides are expensive luxuries to
those who keep no horses. Few city ladies ride well, (even if they have
been at riding-school,) for want of daily practice out of doors. They
are not exactly at ease on the horse, and always seem somewhat afraid of
him; at least till they are “off the stones,” and out in the open
country. While in the streets, the rare sight of a lady on horseback
attracts much attention, and a crowd of boys gathers round to see her
mount her steed, or alight from it. This to a young lady of delicacy is
very embarrassing, or ought to be.
In the country, the case is totally different. There, “practice makes
perfect.” The ladies, being accustomed to riding their own horses from
childhood, acquire the art without any trouble, have no fear, feel
perfectly at home in the saddle, and therefore sit gracefully, and
manage their steeds easily. And as every country gentleman has a
riding-horse of his own, he can accompany a lady without the expense of
hiring.
Lay no wagers with gentlemen, and have no philopenas with them. In
betting with a lady, it is customary for the gentleman to pay whether he
wins or loses. What then does the wager imply, but a rapacious and mean
desire on the part of the lady to “get a present out of him”—as such
ladies would express it. No delicate and refined female ever bets at
all. It is a very coarse and masculine way of asserting an opinion or a
belief; and always reminds gentlemen of the race-course, or the
gaming-table.
We disapprove of ladies going to charity-fairs in the evening, when they
require a male escort—and when that escort is likely to be drawn into
paying exorbitant prices for gifts to his fair companion—particularly,
if induced to do so from the fear of appearing mean, or of being thought
wanting in benevolence. In the evening, the young ladies who “have
tables,” are apt to become especially importunate in urging the sale of
their goods—and appear to great disadvantage as imitation-shop-keepers,
exhibiting a boldness in teazing that no real saleswoman would presume
to display. Then the crowd is generally great; the squeezing and pushing
very uncomfortable; and most of the company far from genteel. Ladies who
_are_ ladies, should only visit fancy-fairs in the day-time, when they
can go without gentlemen; none of whom take much pleasure in this mode
of raising money; or rather of levying contributions for special
purposes. There are other ways that are more lady-like, more effective,
less fatiguing, and more satisfactory to all concerned—and far less
detrimental to the interests of the numerous poor women who get their
living by their needles, or by their ingenuity in making ornamental
nick-nacks for sale, and who ask but a fair price for them. Dress-makers
are frequently induced to keep back portions of silk, the rightful
property of their customers, who may afterwards be put to great
inconvenience for want of them, when the dress is to be altered or
repaired. And these pieces are given to the ladies who go about begging
for materials to make pincushions, &c. for fancy-fairs. This is
dishonest. Let them go to a store and buy small pieces of silk, velvet,
ribbon, and whatever they want for these purposes.
If you have occasion to send by a gentleman a package to a
transportation-office, give him along with it the money to pay for its
carriage. If you borrow change, (even one cent,) return it to him
punctually. He ought to take it as a thing of course, without any
comment. When you commission him to buy any thing for you, if you know
the price, give the money beforehand; otherwise, pay it as soon as he
brings the article. Do all such things promptly, lest they should escape
your memory if delayed.
When visiting a fancy-store with a gentleman, refrain from excessively
admiring any handsome or expensive article you may chance to see there.
Above all, express no wish that you were able to buy it, and no regret
that you cannot, lest he should construe these extreme tokens of
admiration into hints that you wish him to buy it for you. To allow him
to do so, would on your part be very mean and indelicate, and on his
very foolish.
It ought to be a very painful office (and is a very improper one) for
young ladies to go round soliciting from gentlemen subscriptions for
charitable purposes. Still it is done. Subscription-papers should only
be offered by persons somewhat advanced in life, and of undoubted
respectability—and then the application should be made, exclusively, to
those whose circumstances are known to be affluent. People who have not
much to give, generally prefer giving that little to objects of charity
within their own knowledge. Who is there that does not know a poor
family? And without actually giving money, (which in too many instances,
is immediately appropriated by a drunken husband to supply himself with
more drink,) much may be done to procure a few comforts for a miserable
wife and children.
When you ask money for a charitable purpose, do so only when quite alone
with the person to whom you apply. It is taking an undue advantage to
make the request in presence of others—particularly if, as before
observed, there is not wealth as well as benevolence. There is a time
for all things—and young ladies are deservedly unpopular when, even in
the cause of charity, they seize every opportunity to levy contributions
on the purses of gentlemen.
It is wrong to trouble gentlemen with commissions that may cause them
inconvenience or expense. In the awful days of bandboxes, unfortunate
young men riding in stages were sometimes required to convey one of
these cumbrous receptacles of bonnets and caps a day’s journey upon
their knees, to save it from rain outside. Sometimes an immense package
containing an immense shawl. We knew an officer who, by particular
desire, actually carried _three_ great shawls several hundred miles;
each bundle to be delivered at a different house in “the City of
Magnificent Distances.” But as to officers, “sufferance is the badge of
all their tribe.” Now these shawls should all have been sent by the
public line, even if the transportation _did_ cost something.
We repeat, that a lady cannot be too particular in placing herself under
obligations to a gentleman. She should scrupulously avoid it in every
little thing that may involve him in expense on her account. And he will
respect her the more.