I'll paste it up here just to show you that it's on the level:
PHILADELPHIA, This Week.
Dear John:--I have never met you personally, but I've heard my
brother, Teddy, speak of you so often that you really seem to be
one of the family.
(Teddy talks slang something fierce.)
Dear John, will you please pardon the liberty I take in grabbing a
two-cent stamp and jumping so unceremoniously at one who is, after
all, a perfect stranger?
Dear John, if you look around you can see on every hand that the
glad season of the year is here, and if you listen attentively you
may hear the hoarse cry of the summer resort beckoning us to that
burn from which no traveller returns without getting his pocketbook
dislocated.
Dear John, could you please tell me how to play bridge whist, so
that when I go to the seashore I will be armed for defraying
expenses.
Dear John, I am sure that if I could play bridge whist loud enough
to win four dollars every once in a while I could spend a large
bunch of the summer at the seashore.
Dear John, would you tell a loving but perfect stranger how to play
the game without having to wear a mask?
Dear John, I played a couple of games recently with a wide faced
young man who grew very playful and threw the parlor furniture at
me because I trumpeted his ace. I fancy I must have did wrong.
The fifth time I trumpeted his ace the young man arose, put on his
gum shoes, and skeedaddled out of the house. Is it not considered
a breach of etiquette to put on gum shoes in the presence of a lady?
If you please, dear John, tell me how to play bridge whist.
Yours fondly,
GLADYS JONES.
P.S.--The furniture which he threw was not his property to dispose
of. G.J.
When my wife got a flash of this letter she made a kick to the
effect that it was some kind of a cypher, possibly the beginning of
a secret correspondence.
It was up to me to hand Gladys the frosty get-back, so this is what
I said:
Respected Madam:--I'm a slob on that bridge whist thing, plain
poker being the only game with cards that ever coaxes my dough from
the stocking, but I'll do the advice gag if it chokes me:
Bridge whist is played with, cards, just like pinochle, with the
exception of the beer.
Not enough cards is a misdeal; too many cards is a mistake; and
cards up the sleeve is a slap on the front piazza if they catch you
at it.
You shouldn't get up and dance the snakentine dance every time you
take a trick. It looks more genteel and picturesque to do the
two-step.
When your opponent has not followed suit it is not wise to pick out
a loud tone of voice and tell him about it. Reach under the table
and kick him on the shins. If it hurts him he is a cheater; if it
doesn't hurt him always remember that you are a lady.
Don't forget what is trumps more than eighteen times during one
hand. The limit used to be twenty-six times, but since the
insurance people have been playing Hyde and seek the best bridge
whist authorities have put the limit down to eighteen.
It isn't wise to have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick.
Nothing looks so bad as a conniption fit when it doesn't match the
complexion, and generally it delays the game.
When the game is close don't get excited and climb up on the table.
It shows a want of refinement, especially if you are not a quick
climber.
Never whistle while waiting for someone to play. Whistling is not
in good taste. Go over and bite out a couple of tunes on the piano.
When your opponent trumps an ace don't ever hit him carelessly
across the forehead with the bric-a-brac. Always remember when you
are in Society that bric-a-brac is expensive.
Don't lead the ten of clubs by mistake for the ace of trumps and
then get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because they refuse
to let you pull it back.
In order to jump seventeen feet in the air you would have to go
through the room upstairs, and how do you know whose room it is?
There, Gladys, if you follow these rules I think you can play the
game of bridge whist without putting a bruise on the Monroe
doctrine.
P.S.--When you play for money always bite the coin to see if it
means as much as it looks.
The next day, in order to square myself with my wife for getting a
letter I hadn't any use for, I went to one of those New York
department stores to get her a birthday present.
Say! did you ever get tangled up in one of those department store
mobs and have a crowd of perfect ladies use you for a door mat?