CALAIS.
It was upon a lovely evening in autumn, as the Dover steam-boat rounded
the wooden pier at Calais, amid a fleet of small boats filled with eager
and anxious faces, soliciting, in every species of bad English and
"patois" [vulgar] French, the attention and patronage of the passengers.
"Hotel de Bain, mi lor'."
"Hotel d'Angleterre," said another, in a voice of the most imposing
superiority. "C'est superbe--pretty well."
"Hotel du Nord, votre Excellence--remise de poste and 'delays' (quere
relays) at all hours."
"Commissionaire, mi ladi," sung out a small shrill treble from the midst
of a crowded cock-boat, nearly swamped beneath our paddle-wheel.
What a scene of bustle, confusion, and excitement does the deck of a
steamer present upon such an occasion. Every one is running hither or
thither. "Sauve qui peut" is now the watch-word; and friendships, that
promised a life-long endurance only half an hour ago, find here a speedy
dissolution. The lady who slept all night upon deck, enveloped in the
folds of your Astracan cloak, scarcely deigns an acknowledgment of you,
as she adjusts her ringlets before the looking-glass over the stove in
the cabin. The polite gentleman, that would have flown for a reticule or
a smelling-bottle upon the high seas, won't leave his luggage in the
harbour; and the gallantry and devotion that stood the test of half a
gale of wind and a wet jacket, is not proof when the safety of a
carpet-bag or the security of a "Mackintosh" is concerned.
And thus here, as elsewhere, is prosperity the touchstone of good
feeling. All the various disguises which have been assumed, per viaggio,
are here immediately abandoned, and, stripped of the travelling costume
of urbanity and courtesy, which they put on for the voyage, they stand
forth in all the unblushing front of selfishness and self-interest.
Some tender scenes yet find their place amid the debris of this chaotic
state. Here may be seen a careful mother adjusting innumerable shawls
and handkerchiefs round the throat of a sea-green young lady with a
cough; her maid is at the same instant taking a tender farewell of the
steward in the after-cabin.
Here is a very red-faced and hot individual, with punch-coloured breeches
and gaiters, disputing "one brandy too much" in his bill, and vowing that
the company shall hear of it when he returns to England. There, a tall,
elderly woman, with a Scotch-grey eye, and a sharp cheek-bone, is
depositing within her muff various seizable articles, that, until now,
had been lying quietly in her trunk. Yonder, that raw-looking young
gentleman, with the crumpled frock-coat, and loose cravat, and sea-sick
visage, is asking every one "if they think he may land without a
passport." You scarcely recognise him for the cigar-smoking dandy of
yesterday, that talked as if he had lived half his life on the continent.
While there, a rather pretty girl is looking intently at some object in
the blue water, beside the rudder post. You are surprised you cannot
make it out; but then, she has the advantage of you, for the tall,
well-looking man, with the knowing whiskers, is evidently whispering
something in her ear.
"Steward, this is not my trunk--mine was a leather--"
"All the 'leathers' are gone in the first boat, sir."
"Most scandalous way of doing business."
"Trouble you for two-and-sixpence, sir."
"There's Matilda coughing again," says a thin, shrewish woman, with a
kind of triumphant scowl at her better half; "but you would have her wear
that thin shawl!"
"Whatever may be the fault of the shawl, I fancy no one will reproach her
ancles for thinness," murmurs a young Guard's man, as he peeps up the
companion-ladder.
Amid all the Babel of tongues, and uproar of voices, the thorough bass of
the escape steam keeps up its infernal thunders, till the very brain
reels, and, sick as you have been of the voyage, you half wish yourself
once more at sea, if only to have a moment of peace and tranquillity.
Numbers now throng the deck who have never made their appearance before.
Pale, jaundiced, and crumpled, they have all the sea-sick look and
haggard cheek of the real martyr--all except one, a stout, swarthy,
brown-visaged man, of about forty, with a frame of iron, and a voice like
the fourth string of a violincello. You wonder why he should have taken
to his bed: learn, then, that he is his Majesty's courier from the
foreign office, going with despatches to Constantinople, and that as he
is not destined to lie down in a bed for the next fourteen days, he is
glad even of the narrow resemblance to one, he finds in the berth of a
steam-boat. At length you are on shore, and marched off in a long
string, like a gang of convicts to the Bureau de l'octroi, and here is
begun an examination of the luggage, which promises, from its minuteness,
to last for the three months you destined to spend in Switzerland. At
the end of an hour you discover that the soi disant commissionaire will
transact all this affair for a few francs; and, after a tiresome wait in
a filthy room, jostled, elbowed, and trampled upon, by boors with sabots,
you adjourn to your inn, and begin to feel that you are not in England.
Our little party had but few of the miseries here recounted to contend
with. My "savoir faire," with all modesty be it spoken, has been long
schooled in the art and practice of travelling; and while our less
experienced fellow-travellers were deep in the novel mysteries of cotton
stockings and petticoats, most ostentatiously displayed upon every table
of the Bureau, we were comfortably seated in the handsome saloon of the
Hotel du Nord, looking out upon a pretty grass plot, surrounded with
orange trees, and displaying in the middle a jet d'eau about the size of
a walking stick.
"Now, Mr. Lorrequer," said Mrs. Bingham, as she seated herself by the
open window, "never forget how totally dependent we are upon your kind
offices. Isabella has discovered already that the French of Mountjoy
square, however intelligible in that neighbourhood, and even as far as
Mount-street, is Coptic and Sanscrit here; and as for myself, I intend to
affect deaf and dumbness till I reach Paris, where I hear every one can
speak English a little."
"Now, then, to begin my functions," said I, as I rung for the waiter, and
ran over in my mind rapidly how many invaluable hints for my new position
my present trip might afford me, "always provided" (as the lawyers say,)
that Lady Jane Callonby might feel herself tempted to become my
travelling companion, in which case--But, confound it, how I am
castle-building again. Meanwhile, Mrs. Bingham is looking as hungry and
famished as though she would eat the waiter. Ha! this is the "carte."
"Allons faire petit souper."
"Cotelettes d'Agneau."
"Maionnaise d'homard."
"Perdreaux rouges aux truffes--mark that, aux truffes."
"Gelee au maraschin."
"And the wine, sir," said the waiter, with a look of approval at my
selection, "Champagne--no other wine, sir?"
"No," said I, "Champagne only. Frappe de glace, of course," I added, and
the waiter departed with a bow that would have graced St. James's.
As long as our immaterial and better part shall be doomed to keep company
with its fleshy tabernacle, with all its attendant miseries of gout and
indigestion, how much of our enjoyment in this world is dependent upon
the mere accessory circumstances by which the business of life is carried
on and maintained, and to despise which is neither good policy nor sound
philosophy. In this conclusion a somewhat long experience of the life of
a traveller has fully established me. And no where does it press more
forcibly upon the mind than when first arrived in a continental inn,
after leaving the best hotels of England still fresh in your memory. I
do not for a moment dispute the very great superiority in comfort of the
latter, by which I would be understood to mean all those resemblances to
one's own home which an English hotel so eminently possesses, and every
other one so markedly wants; but I mean that in contrivances to elevate
the spirit, cheer the jaded and tired wayfarer by objects which, however
they may appeal to the mere senses, seem, at least, but little sensual,
give me a foreign inn; let me have a large spacious saloon, with its
lofty walls and its airy, large-paned windows, (I shall not object if the
cornices and mouldings be gilded, because such is usually the case,)--let
the sun and heat of a summer's day come tempered through the deep
lattices of a well-fitting "jalousie," bearing upon them the rich incense
of a fragrant orange tree in blossom--and the sparkling drops of a
neighbouring fountain, the gentle plash of which is faintly audible amid
the hum of the drone-bee--let such be the "agremens" without--while
within, let the more substantial joys of the table await, in such guise
as only a French cuisine can present them--give me these, I say, and I
shall never sigh for the far-famed and long-deplored comforts of a box in
a coffee-room, like a pew in a parish church, though certainly not so
well cushioned, and fully as dull, with a hot waiter and a cold
beefsteak--the only thing higher than your game being your bill, and the
only thing less drinkable than your port being the porter.
With such exotic notions, figures vous, my dear reader, whether or not I
felt happy as I found myself seated between my two fair friends doing the
honours of a little supper, and assisting the exhilaration of our
champagne by such efforts of wit as, under favourable circumstances like
these, are ever successful--and which, being like the foaming liquid
which washes them down, to be swallowed without waiting, are ever
esteemed good, from the excitement that results, and never seriously
canvassed for any more sterling merit. Nothing ever makes a man so
agreeable as the belief that he is so: and certainly my fair companions
appeared to have the most excellent idea of my powers in that respect;
and I fancy, that I made more bon mots, hit off more epigrams, and
invented more choice incidents on that happy evening, than, if now
remembered, would suffice to pay my tailor's bill, when collated for
Bentley's Miscellany, and illustrated by Cruikshank--alas! that, like the
good liquor that seasoned them, both are gone by, and I am left but to
chronicle their memory of the fun, in dulness, and counterfeit the
effervescence of the grape juice, by soda water. One thing, however, is
certain--we formed a most agreeable party; and if a feeling of gloom ever
momentarily shot through my mind, it was, that evenings like these came
so rarely in this work-a-day world--that each such should be looked on,
as our last.
If I had not already shown myself up to my reader as a garcon volage of
the first water, perhaps I should now hesitate about confessing that I
half regretted the short space during which it should be my privilege to
act as the guide and mentor of my two friends. The impetuous haste which
I before felt necessary to exercise in reaching Paris immediately, was
not tempered by prudent thoughts about travelling at night, and
reflections about sun-stroke by day; and even moments most devoted to the
object of my heart's aspirations were fettered by the very philosophic
idea, that it could never detract from the pleasure of the happiness that
awaited me, if I travelled on the primrose path to its attainment. I
argued thus: if Lady Jane be true--if--if, in a word, I am destined to
have any success in the Callonby family, then will a day or two more not
risk it. My present friends I shall, of course, take leave of at Paris,
where their own acquaintances await them; and, on the other hand, should
I be doomed once more to disappointment, I am equally certain I should
feel no disposition to form a new attachment. Thus did I reason, and
thus I believed; and though I was a kind of consultation opinion among my
friends in "suits of love," I was really then unaware that at no time is
a man so prone to fall in love as immediately after his being jilted. If
common sense will teach us not to dance a bolero upon a sprained ancle,
so might it also convey the equally important lesson, not to expose our
more vital and inflammatory organ to the fire the day after its being
singed.
Reflections like these did not occur to me at this moment; besides that I
was "going the pace" with a forty-horse power of agreeability that left
me little time for thought--least of all, if serious. So stood matters.
I had just filled our tall slender glasses with the creaming and
"petillan" source of wit and inspiration, when the loud crack, crack,
crack of a postillion's whip, accompanied by the shaking trot of a heavy
team, and the roll of wheels, announced a new arrival. "Here they come,"
said I, "only look at them--four horses and one postillion, all
apparently straggling and straying after their own fancy, but yet going
surprisingly straight notwithstanding. See how they come through that
narrow archway--it might puzzle the best four-in-hand in England to do it
better."
"What a handsome young man, if he had not those odious moustaches. Why,
Mr. Lorrequer, he knows you: see, he is bowing to you."
"Me! Oh! no. Why, surely, it must be--the devil--it is Kilkee, Lady
Jane's brother. I know his temper well. One five minutes' observation
of my present intimacy with my fair friends, and adieu to all hopes for
me of calling Lord Callonby my father-in-law. There is not therefore, a
moment to lose."
As these thoughts revolved through my mind, the confusion I felt had
covered my face with scarlet; and, with a species of blundering apology
for abruptly leaving them for a moment, I ran down stairs only in time
sufficient to anticipate Kilkee's questions as to the number of my
apartments, to which he was desirous of proceeding at once. Our first
greetings over, Kilkee questioned me as to my route--adding, that his now
was necessarily an undecided one, for if his family happened not to be at
Paris, he should be obliged to seek after them among the German
watering-places. "In any case, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, "we shall hunt
them in couples. I must insist upon your coming along with me."
"Oh! that," said I, "you must not think of. Your carriage is a coupe,
and I cannot think of crowding you."
"Why, you don't seriously want to affront me, I hope, for I flatter
myself that a more perfect carriage for two people cannot be built.
Hobson made it on a plan of my own, and I am excessively proud of it,
I assure you. Come, that matter is decided--now for supper. Are there
many English here just now?--By-the-by, those new 'natives' I think I saw
you standing with on the balcony--who are they?"
"Oh! the ladies--oh! Yes, people I came over with--"
"One was pretty, I fancied. Have you supped? Just order something, will
you--meanwhile, I shall write a few lines before the post leaves."
--Saying which, he dashed up stairs after the waiter, and left me to my
meditations.
"This begins to be pleasant," thought I, as the door closed, leaving me
alone in the "salon." In circumstances of such moment, I had never felt
so nonplussed as now, how to decline Kilkee's invitation, without
discovering my intimacy with the Binghams--and yet I could not, by any
possibility, desert them thus abruptly. Such was the dilemma. "I see
but one thing for it," said I, gloomily, as I strode through the
coffee-room, with my head sunk and my hands behind my back--"I see but
one thing left--I must be taken ill to-night, and not be able to leave
my bed in the morning--a fever--a contagious fever--blue and red spots
all over me--and be raving wildly before breakfast time; and if ever
any discovery takes place of my intimacy above stairs, I must only
establish it as a premonitory symptom of insanity, which seized me in
the packet. And now for a doctor that will understand my case, and
listen to reason, as they would call it in Ireland." With this idea
uppermost, I walked out into the court-yard to look for a commissionaire
to guide me in my search. Around on every side of me stood the various
carriages and voitures of the hotel and its inmates, to the full as
distinctive and peculiar in character as their owners. "Ah! there is
Kilkee's," said I, as my eye lighted upon the well-balanced and elegant
little carriage which he had been only with justice encomiumizing. "It
is certainly perfect, and yet I'd give a handful of louis-d'ors it was
like that venerable cabriolet yonder, with the one wheel and no shafts.
But, alas! these springs give little hope of a break down, and that
confounded axle will outlive the patentee. But still, can nothing be
done?--eh? Come, the thought is a good one--I say, garcon, who greases
the wheels of the carriage here?"
"C'est moi, monsieur," said a great oaf, in wooden shoes and a blouse.
"Well, then, do you understand these?" said I, touching the patent
axle-boxes with my cane.
He shook his head.
"Then who does, here?"
"Ah! Michael understands them perfectly."
"Then bring him here," said I.
In a few minutes, a little shrewd old fellow, with a smith's apron, made
his appearance, and introduced himself as M. Michael. I had not much
difficulty in making him master of my plan, which was, to detach one of
the wheels as if for the purpose of oiling the axle, and afterwards
render it incapable of being replaced--at least for twenty-four hours.
"This is my idea," said I; "nevertheless, do not be influenced by me.
All I ask is, disable the carriage from proceeding to-morrow, and here
are three louis-d'ors at your service."
"Soyez bien tranquille, monsieur, mi lor' shall spend to-morrow in
Calais, if I know any thing of my art"--saying which he set out in search
of his tools, while I returned to the salon with my mind relieved, and
fully prepared to press the urgency of my reaching Paris without any
delay.
"Well, Mr. Lorrequer," said Kilkee, as I entered, "here is supper
waiting, and I am as hungry as a wolf."
"Oh! I beg pardon--I've been getting every thing in readiness for our
start to-morrow morning, for I have not told you how anxious I am to get
to Paris before the 8th--some family business, which requires my looking
after, compelling me to do so."
"As to that, let your mind be at rest, for I shall travel to-morrow night
if you prefer it. Now for the Volnay. Why you are not drinking your
wine. What do you say to our paying our respects to the fair ladies
above stairs? I am sure the petits soins you have practised coming over
would permit the liberty."
"Oh! hang it, no. There's neither of them pretty, and I should rather
avoid the risk of making a regular acquaintance with them" said I.
"As you like, then--only, as you'll not take any wine, let us have a
stroll through the town."
After a short stroll through the town, in which Kilkee talked the entire
time, but of what I know not, my thoughts being upon my own immediate
concerns, we returned to the hotel. As we entered the porte-couchere, my
friend Michael passed me, and as he took off his hat in salutation, gave
me one rapid glance of his knowing eye that completely satisfied me that
Hobson's pride in my friend's carriage had by that time received quite
sufficient provocation to throw him into an apoplexy.
"By-the-by," said I, "let us see your carriage. I am curious to look at
it"--(and so I was.)
"Well, then come along, this way; they have placed it under some of these
sheds, which they think coach-houses."
I followed my friend through the court till we arrived near the fatal
spot; but before reaching, he had caught a glimpse of the mischief, and
shouted out a most awful imprecation upon the author of the deed which
met his eye. The fore-wheel of the coupe had been taken from the axle,
and in the difficulty of so doing, from the excellence of the
workmanship, two of the spokes were broken--the patent box was a mass of
rent metal, and the end of the axle turned downwards like a hoe.
I cannot convey any idea of poor Kilkee's distraction; and, in reality,
my own was little short of it; for the wretch had so far out-stripped my
orders, that I became horrified at the cruel destruction before me. We
both, therefore, stormed in the most imposing English and French, first
separately and then together. We offered a reward for the apprehension
of the culprit, whom no one appeared to know, although, as it happened,
every one in a large household was aware of the transaction but the
proprietor himself. We abused all--innkeeper, waiters, ostlers, and
chambermaids, collectively and individually--condemned Calais as a den of
iniquity, and branded all Frenchmen as rogues and vagabonds. This seemed
to alleviate considerably my friend's grief, and excite my thirst
--fortunately, perhaps for us; for if our eloquence had held out much
longer, I am afraid our auditory might have lost their patience; and,
indeed, I am quite certain if our French had not been in nearly as
disjointed a condition as the spokes of the caleche, such must have been
the case.
"Well, Mr. Lorrequer, I suppose, then, we are not destined to be
fellow-travellers--for if you must go to-morrow--"
"Alas! It is imperative," said I.
"Then in any case, let us arrange where we shall meet, for I hope to be
in Paris the day after you."
"I'll stop at Meurice."
"Meurice, be it," said he, "so now good night, till we meet in Paris."
EBOOK EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS:
A c'est egal, mam'selle, they don't mind these things in France
Accustomed to the slowness and the uncertainty of the law
Delectable modes of getting over the ground through life
Disputing "one brandy too much" in his bill
Enjoy the name without the gain
Listen to reason, as they would call it in Ireland
Nothing ever makes a man so agreeable as the belief that he is
Rather better than people with better coats on them
Sixteenthly, like a Presbyterian minister's sermon
The "fat, fair, and forty" category
Whiskey, the appropriate liquor in all treaties of this nature