have always had a great taste for, as you know ... one does not change
at my age. Do you see all those people going towards the orange
gardens? it is there that the meeting is to be held.... There are the
Watsons coming back this way; ... they are evidently going to the
meeting. Well, all I can say is, they must be bare-faced enough to go
and protest ... however!... Look! positively, they have espied us....
Let us get up ... it is impossible to avoid them now."
_Mrs. Watson._--"Ah! it is our dear vicar! dear Mrs. Goodman, what a
happy thing! at last, thanks to the initiative taken by zealous
compatriots, we are to carry our complaints before the tribunal of
justice.... In an hour the meeting begins.... Shall we walk together?"
_Mrs. G._--"With pleasure."
_Mrs. W._--"On the way we shall be able to talk of old times and the
friends we left in our dear little town.... Ah! Mrs. Goodman, they
little dream of what we are doing on their behalf."
_Mrs. G._--(_Aside to her husband_)--"What impudence! _we_ indeed!"
(_The group, now followed by an immense crowd, proceeds towards the
orange gardens._)
GRAND DEMONSTRATION. INDIGNATION MEETING.
Saint Peter took the chair at eight o'clock precisely. In a few
graceful and feeling remarks he explained the object of the meeting
and then called upon the secretary to read to the audience the minutes
of the last meeting of the organising committee.
_Mrs. G._--(_This lady on rising was greeted with three rounds of
applause._)--"Blessed Saint, ladies and gentlemen. At its last meeting
the temporary committee of organisation arrived at the following
decision: 'Whereas from time immemorial, those of the elect who are of
British origin have made fruitless complaints on the subject of the
treatment which they meet with in Paradise, the committee decides upon
holding a meeting of the said elect to take into consideration the
best means of putting an end to such a regrettable state of things, a
state of things which threatens to disturb the harmony of these
blessed realms.'"
_The President._--"I call upon Miss Evvins to address the meeting."
_Miss Evvins._--"Against the fact that all nations seem to reign here,
we have nothing to say. That the divine mercy should embrace even the
most irreligious people, we can comprehend, and we bow to such a
decision; but when we see people who were converted by our own paid
missionaries, for instance, occupying places here higher than our own,
and treated with respect that is not bestowed upon ourselves, we think
it our duty to protest against such a state of things. If each one is
to be rewarded according to his work we certainly do not receive our
due. We might as well be mere Zulus." (_Groans and hisses._)
_A Zulu._--"My ancestors, it is true, practised virtue; but I can
assure the honourable speaker, that since we made the acquaintance of
the English, we have not been much better than they."
_Several voices._--"Turn him out!" (_The Zulu is seized upon and
ejected._)
_Miss Evvins._--"It is by persuasion, and not by violent means, that
we wish to obtain redress for our grievances...."
_Mrs. B._--"I ask to be allowed to say a few words."
_Miss E._--"We have drawn up a petition to this effect, which we shall
ask you to sign, and which is worded as follows: 'Considering that the
British nation is the most virtuous on earth, and that she alone sets
an example to the world by her piety, her religious researches, her
religious associations, her respect for petty nations, her chivalry
towards oppressed peoples, her contempt for filthy lucre, her
sobriety, and other no less virtuous qualities; the undersigned
members of the great and glorious British family humbly ask that such
virtue may receive the reward it deserves.'" (_Hear, hear._)
_The Rev. B. Goodman._--"I should like to propose an amendment, or
rather to suggest a change in the wording of the petition that we have
just heard read."
_The President._--"The Reverend Mr. Goodman will propose an
amendment."
_Mrs. B._--"I asked leave to speak before the reverend gentleman."
_The President._--"We will hear you after."
_Mrs. B._--"I want to speak at once...."
_The President._--"I tell you that...."
_Mrs. B._--"I protest. It's a shame!"
_The President._--"But I tell you, you shall...."
_Mrs. B._--"I will speak all the same. You make a grand mistake, if
you think my mouth is to be closed in that fashion. I can tell you
all, that we shall obtain nothing by persuasion. Here, as well as in
the world we have left, it is by strong measures and threats that one
obtains one's ends." (_Order, order._)
_The President._--"You have already despised my authority. If you use
threats, I shall refuse you permission to speak further...."
_Mrs. B._--"It is a swindle!" (_Order, order._)
_The President_ (_rising_).--"Retract the word _swindle_. Do you
imagine yourself in Seven Dials?"
_Mrs. B._--"I shall retract nothing. If in a week's time, I am not
placed on a throne resplendent with light, I shall make myself
objectionable: I shall break the park railings, pull up the flowers,
trample on the beds, and turn everything upside down.... I will keep
you busy, I promise you. I have only just come.... I'll get up a
meeting of my own, by-and-bye...."
_The President._--"I order the expulsion of the interrupter." (_After
a great struggle, in which the lady, looking like a destroying angel,
strikes out right and left, she is turned out, not without
difficulty._)
_The President._--"Now that order is restored, I call upon the
Reverend Mr. Goodman to address the meeting."
_Rev. B. G._--"In place of the words, 'Considering that the British
nation is the most virtuous on earth,' I propose that the following be
substituted: 'Considering that the British nation is none other than
the lost ten tribes of the House of Israel, the holy nation chosen of
the Lord.' Ladies and gentlemen, I am thoroughly convinced that...."
_A voice_ (_interrupting_).--"But, as the Lord reigns in these realms,
would it not be much more simple to ask Him if we really are, as the
reverend gentleman declares, His chosen people? It seems to me that,
by adopting this course, a great deal of time and trouble might be
saved."
_Several voices._--"Let the amendment be put to the meeting."
The amendment is voted almost unanimously.
The President announces that thirty millions, four hundred and
ninety-five thousand, nine hundred and sixty-four persons have
expressed the desire to address the meeting for the purpose of
enumerating the different virtues of the British people in general,
and the meritorious deeds of each one in particular. But, seeing that
the hour is advanced, and that, besides, the petition is agreed to, he
proposes to declare the meeting at an end.
After a unanimous vote of thanks to the President for the courtesy
with which he acceded to the wishes of the Committee, and the kindness
with which he promised to attend to the petition, the meeting broke up
at a quarter to twelve.
XXI.
John Bull and his Island: Postscript.
Pauperism has been, for some time, the question of the day in England,
the burning question, as they say over here. John is making theories.
Theories! he was wont to exclaim, the British nation can afford to
laugh at theories. This is the remark that a Conservative, possessed
of more pretension than foresight, made one day before Thomas Carlyle.
"My dear sir," replied the apostle of force in England, "the French
nobility of a hundred years ago said they could afford to laugh at
theories. Then came a man and wrote a book called the 'Social
Contract.' The man was called Jean Jacques Rousseau, and his book was
a theory, and nothing but a theory. The nobles could laugh at his
theory; but their skins went to bind the second edition of his book."
Yes, John, my friend, you are quite right to make theories: it is high
time. But do not neglect to put them into practice: open your museums
and picture galleries on Sundays, and shut a few public-houses;[10] do
not rest content with sending missionaries to your poor, to tell them
that they, like you, may one day dwell in the mansions of the blessed;
make them taste a few of the sweets of this life, amuse them, help
them to shake off the stupefying influence of drink; teach them little
by little that you do not mean to support them in idleness and
drunkenness, and that Unions and other houses of refuge for old age
are not instituted to encourage them to be careless and thoughtless
for the morrow. Try to make thinking men of them; at present they are
but slaves. Unfortunately for you, all these people can read. Beware
of the day on which they get sober. Take care of your skin: it is not
impossible that there may be yet a good deal of binding to be done.
[10] See Appendix (d).
* * * * *
"At the four corners of Trafalgar Square, the London _Place de la
Concorde_, four pedestals are to be seen. Three are surmounted by
statues, the fourth is waiting."[11]
[11] _John Bull et son Ile_, p. 85.
It is waiting still.
If England is short of heroes, let her install General Booth on the
fourth pedestal; but for goodness and symmetry's sake, let her set
someone upon it.
* * * * *
The statue of Queen Anne, that stands in front of St. Paul's
Cathedral, in the heart of the City, has been wanting a nose for the
past five or six years. For a shilling she might be provided with a
beauty. Yet no; the fat aldermen of Beefsteakopolis, who dine at three
or four guineas a head, and have lately spent twelve thousand pounds
upon a ridiculous and hideous monument that stands at the entrance to
the part of London that is under their jurisdiction, refuse a nose to
the sovereign in whose reign lived the great Marlborough, hero of
Blenheim and Malplaquet. Yet nobody can doubt that a nose would be
very useful to the poor thing, neglected by John Bull, and stuck up
there, in one of the most furiously draughty spots in London.
* * * * *
"One of the largest tea houses is not ashamed to publish the
following advertisement in all the public thoroughfares and railway
stations of England:--'_We sell at three shillings a pound the same
tea as we supply to dukes, marquises, earls, barons, and the gentry of
the country._' The poor viscounts are left out in the cold: it is a
regrettable oversight."[12]
[12] _John Bull et son Ile_, p. 61.
The oversight has been repaired; I congratulate both the viscounts and
the firm. Who says books serve no purpose? Why, princes and bishops
have been added. If only Her Majesty would be kind enough to give
Cooper Cooper's tea a trial!
* * * * *
"The day the House of Lords reject any important measure passed by the
Liberals, it will have dealt its own death-blow."[13]
[13] _Ib._, p. 242.
The operation is being performed the House having just rejected Mr.
Gladstone's Franchise Bill. If it has not dealt its own death-blow, it
has had a narrow squeak!
How ill-inspired the lords must be in seeking a quarrel with John
Bull, who has no wish to do them any harm! If I were a peer of this
realm, I fancy I could make myself the most amiable and submissive
being in the world. I would again say to John: "Now, look here, my
dear fellow, you know the House of Lords is convenient in one way,
because it spares you the trouble of holding two elections. It will
always be my endeavour to make myself agreeable. I have forty or fifty
thousand a year, and if you think I am going to be angry at anything
the Commons may do, why, you make a huge mistake. I know I am a fifth
wheel to the State coach, but you are too gentlemanly to remind me of
it, if I do not make you feel that a fifth wheel can sometimes play
the part of a _bâton dans les roues_. I will imitate the good example
set by the Queen: when you want the Liberals, you shall have them;
when you want the Conservatives, you shall have them. You, on your
part, must continue to hold me in respect, and call me the _noble
lord_ as hard as ever; I shall, as before, take precedence of
intellect and wealth; I shall patronise literature and art, by
scattering among my countrymen--for a consideration--the valuable
libraries and art treasures left me by over-conservative forefathers,
and protect the drama by keeping more actresses than ever. Surely, old
friend, we ought to be able to rub along together."
If the House of Lords should succumb, it will have the consolation of
knowing that its ruin has been wrought by its most ardent friends, and
not by its enemies. For that matter, a Government or Constitution
generally does die at the hands of its friends _à outrance_.
I also said: "The two great political parties are of about equal
strength.... The Irish party however, grows more national every day,
and the Government may before long have to reckon seriously with
it."[14]
[14] _John Bull et son Ile_, p. 243.
The failure of the Egyptian campaign has greatly diminished the
popularity of the Liberal party, and it is more than probable that, if
it obtain the victory in the next election, its majority in Parliament
will be reduced to about a score. The partisans of Irish autonomy
number forty: it therefore seems pretty clear that Mr. Parnell, the
head of the Irish Home Rule party, will ere long be Viceroy of
England. Friend John will have to choose between two rather bitter
pills: granting Ireland her independence, or conquering the
Sister-Isle _vi et armis_. The prospect is not a brilliant one.
THE END
APPENDIX.
(_A._)--At the Dublin Commission Court, before Mr. Justice Lawson, on
Saturday, the 7th June, 1884, Brian Dennis Molloy, a wretched-looking
man of 45, son of a magistrate for the Co. Mayo, and who, on the death
of his father, will become entitled to £1,000 per annum, was indicted
for bigamy. The prisoner has married five times, the last person with
whom he went through the ceremony being his own first cousin, a lady
of about 40, Miss Robertina Greene, who has an income in her own right
of £400 per annum. There was only one formal charge against the
prisoner. Several of his wives were in court, and towards them he
assumed a most amusing expression, pretending affection for them by
sighing audibly as he recognised them. He said, "My Lord, might I sit
down? I feel very weak; I am not able to stand; I have been in prison
for the last two months." This permission was accorded. Mr. Stephen
Curtis, barrister, appeared for the accused.--Mr. M'Caffrey, assistant
clerk of the Crown, then read the indictment against the prisoner for
having on the 16th August, 1871, at Brownlow-hill, Liverpool, married
Elizabeth Mary Clancy while his lawful wife, Jane Molloy (_née_
Murray), was still alive. The latter was in court--a grey-haired
woman, who seemed to feel very much her position. The prisoner
pleaded not guilty. Mr. Curtis said he would be able to shorten the
case, for substantially their defence was that the prisoner was
insane. He had always been a person of weak intellect, and had often
been in a state of dangerous lunacy, having been four times in lunatic
asylums, both in this country and on the Continent. The prisoner
belonged to a most respectable family, amongst whom there had been
instances of insanity.[15]--Dr. Banks was examined, and deposed that
he had been physician to the Prisoner's family for a number of years.
He declined to answer with regard to other members of the family; but
with regard to the accused he said that at one time he was labouring
under symptoms of insanity, and had been placed in a private lunatic
asylum. He also understood that he had been confined in two lunatic
asylums in Bruges, and that he escaped from one recently.--Mr. Justice
Lawson: What do you think of his mind now? Witness: I think he is an
imbecile. He is of very weak mind.--Mr. Curtis: Do you think he is
capable of discerning right from wrong?--Witness: Certainly not as
regards his matrimonial alliances (laughter).--Serjeant O'Brian:--Oh,
we believe the man to be insane; but I never heard of a more
captivating character (laughter). No less than four ladies have
succumbed to his winning influence. Here Miss Greene, who had been
intently reading a newspaper during the proceedings, looked up and
smiled, whilst another of the ladies, Miss Cassidy, laughed
aloud.--Mr. Justice Lawson: There is no accounting for taste
(laughter).--Serjeant O'Brian: You know, my Lord, when men are
afflicted women are the ministering angels (laughter).--Mr. Justice
Lawson directed the Jury to find that the Prisoner was insane.--The
Prisoner was found guilty of the charge alleged, and on the verdict
being entered the Jury found that the Prisoner was insane at the time
he went through the ceremony of marriage. He was then ordered to be
detained in an asylum during the pleasure of his Excellency the Lord
Lieutenant.--When leaving the dock Molloy, who himself looked the
picture of misery, smiled to each of the women.--An extraordinary
passage at arms took place between two of Molloy's "wives" during the
interval when the Court was at luncheon. When the Prisoner was sent
down to the cells Miss Robertina Greene, the last of the ladies who
changed her name for Molloy, requested permission to speak to her
"husband," but the request was refused. Miss Clancy, another of the
ladies, had been on a similar mission, and with like ill-success. She
was standing outside the cell, close to Miss Greene, when the latter
turned round and poured a torrent of abuse on her. She said that most
of Miss Clancy's clothes belonged to her (Miss Greene). Miss Clancy, a
good-humoured looking girl, merely smiled at this statement, several
of her friends joining in the laughter.
[15] No doubt a man who marries five times is mad; but for the
comic facility with which marriage can be contracted in England,
such scandalous scenes would never happen.
(_B._)--HOUSE OF COMMONS (1884).
_Assaults on Women._
Mr. Macfarlane asked the Secretary of State for the Home Department if
his attention had been called to a case tried at the Thames
Police-court, in which a man named Joseph Dennis was found guilty of
assaulting Norah Driscoll by striking her in the right eye and
knocking her down. While on the ground he lifted her head up by the
hair and dashed it on the pavement, and kicked her on the left side.
She became unconscious, and was discovered in that condition by a
policeman. At Poplar Hospital it was found that two of her ribs were
bent in. Mr. Saunders fined the prisoner ten shillings and ten
shillings compensation; and, if he proposed to amend the law relating
to brutal assaults.
Sir W. Harcourt.--I am not aware that there is any defect in the law.
Judges and magistrates have the power to inflict severe sentences in
cases of brutal assaults, but, of course, they are not compelled to do
so unless circumstances require; and I have no power to overrule their
discretion by saying that magistrates or judges should pass higher
sentences than they think fit to do.
Mr. Macfarlane gave notice that when the Bill of the hon. member for
Glasgow (Mr. Anderson) for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals got
into Committee, he should move to include women in the schedule
(laughter).
(_C._)--In case it should appear incredible that an Englishman should
say grace before taking a glass of grog, I give the following
anecdote, the veracity of which I vouch for.
A clerical friend of mine, Vicar of the Parish of ----, and late
professor of mathematics at one of the great English military
colleges, was one evening taking a glass of whisky and water with a
Presbyterian minister. Before carrying his glass to his lips, the
latter suggested to his companion that one of them should repeat
grace.
"Not over whisky and water, my friend, it would be a farce," answered
the Vicar.
----"My congregation would be ashamed of me if I took a glass of
whisky without first saying grace," said the Presbyterian.
----"Now, just see how congregations differ," said the other; "mine
would be ashamed of me, if I said a prayer over a glass of toddy."
Another anecdote, while I am on the subject of grace-saying. This one
is an old English veteran.
An evangelistic parson and a Quaker were seated at table together in
the dining-room of an hotel. The evangelist, seeing a chance of
displaying his piety, said to the quaker: "Had we not better say
grace?"
----"Friend," replied the quaker, "if you like, we can be silent a few
moments."
Be silent a few moments! that is rather out of the line of the
evangelist; he does not like to hide the light of his piety under a
bushel.
(_D._)--SOUTHWARK POLICE COURT.
(_8th August, 1884._)
A respectable-looking working man applied to his Worship under the
following circumstances. He said he had been working with a number of
other men at a wharf in the neighbourhood of Tooley-street, and at the
finish of their labour they were paid, and they were given two tickets
for beer to be obtained at a public-house in the neighbourhood. He
demanded his full wages, as he had no wish to go to a public-house;
but the foreman refused to give him the money. He wanted to hear
whether it was a legal transaction.--Mr. Bridge asked him if he was
paid in a public house.--Applicant replied in the negative. They were
paid in the office.--Mr. Bridge asked if the publican refused to give
them money for their tickets.--Applicant replied that the clerk had
told them the tickets were for beer. They were made out for a certain
public-house.--Mr. Bridge advised them to go to the proprietor of the
works and demand the money.--Applicant said they had done so, and the
foreman had refused to pay it; he told them they should keep the
tickets. He considered it a great hardship upon sober workmen that
they should be compelled to accept beer tickets as their wages.--Mr.
Bridge thought so too, and told him he might have summonses against
the foreman and the publican, but he could not promise him success, as
he had doubts as to the construction of the Act of Parliament.[16]
[16] _In harvest time, it is still legal for farmers to make
their labourers drink part of their wages._
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