dear in England! I am getting tired of it. Besides, I don't know, but
I fancy there is something about the English life that induces one to
marry. Existence in England is wretched, unless you have a house of
your own. There are no cafés ... your clubs and restaurants are dismal
... and your women are delightful ... how can one hesitate long? In
one of the suburbs of London, I have discovered a dear little house,
hidden under linden-trees, and covered with virginia creepers,
jasmine, and honeysuckle. It took my fancy, and as I looked at the two
big bolts on the front door, I thought to myself that, after paying
the rent and taxes, it must be pleasant to push over the bolts and
feel oneself master of something.... The feeling grows, and sets one
thinking that it is time to be getting a little property together....
Yes, decidedly the best thing to be done in England is to marry."
_J. B._--"The young lady has money, I presume?"
_Monsieur._--"I don't know in the least, my friend. You do not
imagine, I suppose, that I went to my future father-in-law, and asked
him what he was going to give his daughter on her wedding day, as the
custom is in France."
_J. B._--"No, of course not. Ah! you Frenchmen are bad diplomatists.
There is no need to ask such questions point-blank ... you can make
inquiries ... satisfy yourself."
_Monsieur._--"I am quite in the dark on the matter."
_J. B._--"And if your wife proves to be penniless?"
_Monsieur._--"Well, in that case, we must live carefully, that is
all."
_J. B._--"My dear fellow, I am very much afraid you are going to make
a fool of yourself."
_Monsieur._--"Why, how many times have I heard you speak of marriage
as a duty, a sacred institution!"
_J. B._--"Yes; but I don't see why it should not be a useful one at
the same time.... For my part, I have a weakness for the Three per
Cents, I don't mind owning it."
_Monsieur._--"And I have a weakness for pretty women."
_J. B._--"You'll get over it. And if your wife is pretty now, she will
not be so always. Englishwomen are not so talented as their French
sisters in the _art d'accommoder les restes_, you know."
_Monsieur._--"I shall have a clever wife."
_J. B._--"Her cleverness will cease to strike you, when you have lived
with her a little while."
_Monsieur._--"An excellent pianist."
_J. B._--"Before six months are over, you will know all her pieces by
heart.... There is nothing serious about all these things. Marriage
improves a woman's position from a social point of view; a man is
wrong who does not take care that it improves his, from a financial
point of view."
_Monsieur._--"I am no speculator."
_J. B._--"Neither am I, and this is the very reason why I like the
Three per Cents. Beauty fades, ephemeral charms disappear, and solid
qualities remain. Girls that have money want to be married as well as
those that have none; it would be unfair, my dear boy, to pass them
over, because they have money. Your Balzac says that a man who sets
foot in his wife's dressing-room is either a philosopher or a fool. I
go further than Balzac, and maintain that a man who marries must be a
philosopher or a fool, unless he takes advantage of it to improve his
position. You speak of love, my dear fellow, but matrimony is the very
profanation of love. It is only in Eastern countries that love and
woman are properly understood. It is habit that kills love; in the
East, women are slaves that do not live with men from morning to
night: they appear before their husbands only from time to time, and
exhaling the most exquisite perfumes. But, in Europe, upon my word,
they believe themselves their husbands' equals.... In England, they
take cheese and stout before going to bed. You see them with their
heads covered with curls, and you think how pretty they look, don't
you? But, my dear innocent fellow, don't you know that to obtain those
lovely curls, the sweet creatures must go to bed with their heads
loaded with waving-pins and curl-papers? Yes ... it is thus that your
wife will probably adorn herself for the night in order to be
beautiful ... not for _you_ at the moment, but for other people, you
perhaps included, on the morrow. _On the morrow_, mark you, my boy!
When you have undergone this kind of treatment for a few months--I
give you twelve, if you are a good diplomatist--you will penetrate
into your wife's apartment with about as much emotion as you would
enter the 'bus for the Bank. No, matrimony is dinner without dessert;
no little delicacies, no luxuries: a continual, eternal, sempiternal
_pot-au-feu_.... Respect, esteem, if you like...."
_Monsieur._--"Whose fault is that, my dear Mr. Bull? A woman is what
her husband makes her; it is Balzac who says that too. In love, as in
cookery, you have but one sauce.... It is possible to respect a woman,
and at the same time to be in love with her: respect and esteem are
the daily bread of matrimony; but a little honey on it now and then
does no harm."
_J. B._--"Moonshine--childishness--nonsense--my dear sir!"
_Monsieur._--"Call it nonsense and childishness, as much as you like;
but happiness is made up of all kinds of nonsense, _abandon_--a word,
by-the-bye, for which you have no equivalent in English--hearty
laughter, good kisses and the like; such nonsenses have a far more
pleasant sound to my ear than the _sacred bonds of matrimony_, the
_gravity of family life_...."
_J. B._--"_Mon cher ami_, it is easy to see that you come from a
frivolous country, where the women lead the men by the nose...."
_Monsieur._--"And the men enjoy it."
_J. B._--"A social system that is not built upon the submission of
woman is shaky."
_Monsieur._--"And what about happiness ... and joy? Where do you look
for them? In your banking account?"
_J. B._--"One would think you had a supreme contempt for banking
accounts, upon my word."
_Monsieur._--"Not I. Peace of mind may come from a good banking
account, I admit, but joy comes from the heart.... Matrimony seems to
me to be the finest institution going, I assure you; and I think it a
great fault of novelists to end their stories with the marriage
ceremony.... If ever I turned novelist--Heaven protect me and the
public from such a calamity!--my story should open with orange
blossoms and old slippers, and I should not disdain a pretty little
plump mother in her thirties, as a heroine for the middle chapters of
my book."
_J. B._--"I was congratulating you just now upon the news of your
marriage ... but it is the young lady that I should like to
congratulate from the bottom of my heart. My dear fellow, if you get
spreading those ideas of yours about this country, we matter-of-fact
Britons shall soon look in vain for women who will marry us.... And
whilst you are on the chapter of confidences, you might initiate me
into your secret and tell me how you do away with ... the little
drawbacks of matrimony."
_Monsieur._--"I do not do away with them, but I foresee them and am
prepared to meet them."
_J. B._--"Very good; but how?"
_Monsieur._--"I cannot say that I have plans of campaign well marked
out ... but, in my own mind, I say to myself: In matrimonial life, a
little diplomacy is necessary to prevent its becoming humdrum, and I
fully intend that my conjugal life shall not be humdrum. The bond and
habit are the two mortal enemies of love. _Bonjour, contrat! adieu,
amour!_ Well, since legal marriage was invented by some idiot or
scoundrel, it is for a sensible man to make the best of it, and to
forget, as quickly as possible, all the incongruous nonsense that has
been dinned into his ears, about marriage being a stern reality and a
rather disagreeable undertaking. I am going to try it; but I start
with the firm intention of being and remaining my wife's lover. I
shall do my best to forget that I am married. The illusion of the
stage is all gone for him who penetrates behind the scenes. We shall
each have our own quarters. Madame will sometimes allow Monsieur to
conduct her to his room; sometimes it will be Monsieur who will glide
into Madame's, when all around is hushed in slumber. We shall each
have a room that will be closed to the other: the boudoir for Madame,
the study for Monsieur. These two retreats I look upon as the
strongholds of love in matrimonial life."
_J. B._--"Well done."
_Monsieur._--"Let me explain. A man who would continue to inspire
esteem and love in a sensible wife, must not live constantly in her
society. To keep up a certain prestige in her eyes, he must lead a
busy life, and if ever he has nothing to do, he must be able to appear
as if he had. Therefore, when I have nothing particular in hand, I
shall lock myself into my study. There I shall read the paper and
smoke a cigar; but before shutting myself in, I shall be careful to
ask my wife to kindly see that I am not disturbed, as I shall be busy
all the morning, or all the afternoon, as the case may be. On the
other hand, when Madame has her vapours, or does not feel very
sociable, she will retire to her boudoir and send me word that she is
indisposed. In this boudoir, that I shall have coquettishly furnished,
she will receive a friend, read a novel, rest and dissipate her ill
humour. By this arrangement, we shall only be together when we feel
attracted towards each other, and I shall not be doomed to pass whole
evenings yawning in my wife's society. Why should a man do before his
wife that which would be considered the height of rudeness, if she
were any other woman?"
_J. B._--"Ah! my dear fellow, it is a fine thing to be young! Your
illusions are wonderful. I rather like that growlery idea of yours,
though: never show your wife that she is entitled to expect amiability
from you at all seasons, without having any effort to make to obtain
it. People get none the worse served for being a little hard to
please, in all circumstances of this life. I suppose you have not
informed the lady in question of these plans of yours?"
_Monsieur._--"Indeed I have, my dear Mr. Bull, and what is more, she
approves highly of them...."
_J. B._--"Well, my dear fellow, since you have made up your mind to go
in for matrimony, I am glad to see that you are preparing to rob it of
its drawbacks. When a man has entered into a compact that he cannot
draw out of, he is a fool if he does not do his best to turn it to his
own advantage.... But I fancy the ladies must be expecting us in the
drawing-room."
_Monsieur._--"Let us go and join them."
XVI.
The Brune and the Blonde--Madame la Comtesse d'A. and Lady B. chat a
little about their husbands, discuss their respective merits, and
indulge in several little confidences.
(_The scene is laid in a small drawing-room. The two friends are
seated, engaged in needlework._)
_Lady B._--"How beautifully you embroider, dear! You use your needle
to perfection. That little pink bird is exquisitely shaded. I should
never get to blend my colours as you do. And how your fingers fly!"
_La Comtesse._--"_Ah ça!_ you think, I daresay, that we Frenchwomen
only know how to read novels."
_Lady B._--"Indeed I don't; on the contrary, I know very well that you
are wonderfully clever with your needle. But what you are doing there
is too delicate for slippers, don't you think so? Those colours will
be so quickly soiled, especially if the Count has my husband's trick
of crossing his feet when he is sitting or lounging in his easy
chair."
_La Comtesse._--"They are only for the bedroom. I don't like men in
slippers, it makes them look shorter, and authorises them to take
little liberties in one's company--to cross their legs, and so on; I
shall have heels put to these, I will not have my husband lose a
particle of his height in my eyes. And you, dear, what is that you are
about?"
_Lady B._--"A kind of calotte. We call it a smoking-cap in English."
_La Comtesse._--"You don't mean it?"
_Lady B._--"Why not?"
_La Comtesse._--"How old is Lord B.?"
_Lady B._--"Thirty-two."
_La Comtesse._--"And you are going to let him wear a cap like that?
(_Laughing heartily._) But, _ma chère_, the forehead is the finest
part of a man. If you tolerate a skull cap, we shall soon see you
knitting him night-caps. It's a sloping and dangerous path you are on.
There's divorce ahead...."
_Lady B._--"Oh! I like to see men at their ease about the house."
_La Comtesse._--"At their ease! And supposing you do, that's not a
reason for making them frights. They are quite ugly enough as they
are. Besides, you will make that poor Lord B. horribly susceptible to
cold in the head. Do you know anything more ridiculous than a man with
his nose turned into a noisy trumpet? I should never be able to help
laughing in his face; it would be no use my trying."
_Lady B._--"For shame!"
_La Comtesse._--"It takes such a trifle to spoil a man. Just take the
case of the Marquis de P.; he is a splendid-looking man, a gentleman
every inch; the carriage of a king. Would you believe it, the
marchioness, who, it is said, is as much in love with him as when they
were first married, lets him wear spectacles? He looks for all the
world like a German doctor in them."
_Lady B._--"But what if he is short-sighted?"
_La Comtesse._--"A fine reason that! _Les lunettes sont des remèdes
d'amour._ As if he couldn't wear a _pince-nez_ or an eye-glass. I
rather like an eye-glass, don't you?"
_Lady B._--"No, indeed, I think them horrid."
_La Comtesse._--"Do you really? Now, I think they give a man a little
air of impertinence that is not disagreeable. On young fellows, I
admit, they are detestable; but on a man over thirty, I assure you, I
rather like them.... Why, dear, nearly every gentleman wears an
eye-glass in England!"
_Lady B._--"That is true, but they do not use them to stare rudely at
every woman they meet. I consider Frenchmen dreadful offenders in that
respect."
_La Comtesse._--"Englishmen are indifferent towards women."
_Lady B._--"That's quite a mistake, my dear; their apparent
indifference is really respect, and, thanks to that respect, we can go
where we like in peace and safety. I don't mind telling you that I
have my doubts about the real motives of the politeness of Frenchmen."
_La Comtesse._--"How can you talk like that? you, who come from a
country where a man thinks nothing of pushing past a lady and making
her stop in the street, or of entering a railway carriage before her!
No matter where he may be, a Frenchman will always stand aside to let
a woman pass...."
_Lady B._--"Yes, to have a better look at her. Now, at the theatre,
for instance, to me they are particularly annoying, your Frenchmen.
Between the acts, they come and stand about in the corridors and near
the boxes, and there, a yard or two from you, they will examine you in
detail through their opera-glasses. You may think yourself lucky if
they do not forthwith pass all sorts of remarks about you. That kind
of thing annoys and insults a woman. You may call it gallant, if you
like; I call it rude."
_La Comtesse._--"Rather impertinent, I will admit."
_Lady B._--"Impertinent, indeed! that is a mild word for it. Do you
know, one evening--it was at the Opera--I was in a box ... a little
_décolletée_ ... _en losange_, you know ... it was very fashionable in
1880."
_La Comtesse._--"It will come in again, you may be sure, _c'était
mutin en diable_."
_Lady B._--"What did you say it was?"
_La Comtesse._--"I said it was _mutin en diable_. Does that shock
you?"
_Lady B._--"Yes, a little: it reminds me of an expression of my
husband's."
_La Comtesse._--"What expression?"
_Lady B._--"I don't like to tell you."
_La Comtesse._--"What nonsense, dear; it's only between ourselves:
nobody else can hear."
_Lady B._--"Well then, it was one evening on coming home from a
banquet, he told me I was _damned_ pretty."
_La Comtesse._--"Did he? (_kissing her._) Well, so you are."
_Lady B._--"How would you say that in French? Would you say _jolie à
faire ... damner_?"
_La Comtesse._--"_Jolie en diable_ would be better."
_Lady B._--"I forgave him that night; he had been dining, as only our
husbands in England know how to dine.... When my husband comes home
late, I always wait up for him. Do you for yours?"
_La Comtesse._--"Of course I do, always. Besides, when the Count has
dined out, he is so entertaining."
_Lady B._--"I cannot say the same of Lord B.: he is a little bit dull
in his cups."
_La Comtesse._--"Well, dear, you were saying that you were at the
Opera one night in a low-necked dress, and that...."
_Lady B._--"Yes, true. I was forgetting; do lend me a needleful of
your pink silk.... Oh! that is soon told: it was neither an event nor
an adventure. As I told you, I was seated in my box.... Well, during
one of the _entr'actes_, two gentlemen came and took up their position
in front of me, and never took their eyes off my _corsage_ the whole
time. I was indignant."
_La Comtesse._--"You were wrong. When we indulge our coquetry to
satisfy our vanity, we ought to be willing to put up with the
consequences."
_Lady B._--"To satisfy our vanity! How do you mean?"
_La Comtesse_ (_smiling_).--"Come now, I appeal to you: is it simply
to be a little cooler that we have our bodies cut low?"
_Lady B._--"No, of course not; we like to be _décolletées_, because it
is the fashion; because, if we did not, we should appear ridiculously
prudish and outlandish. Alas! we are the slaves of fashion!"
_La Comtesse._--"My dear, if your form resembled the poor little
Baronne de S.'s, do you believe that any fashion in the world would
make you wear a low-necked dress?... You would soon reconcile to
yourself the thought of appearing prudish, ridiculous, and
outlandish."
_Lady B._--"Then you excuse those two impertinent creatures?"
_La Comtesse._--"I am almost inclined to do so. I do not see why a man
should not take a pleasure in looking at that which it seems to give
us pleasure to show."
_Lady B._--"Well, I can only tell you that such a thing would never
have happened to me in England."
_La Comtesse._--"I can quite believe that. I have seen your countrymen
look at Vesuvius as unmoved as if they had been looking at the
chimneys of St. Etienne or Birmingham.... Besides, my dear, had you
not a fan with you to protect you?"
_Lady B._--"I have taken note of what you said just now, you know;
that if women are coquettish, it is to satisfy their vanity. Perhaps
you will succeed in explaining to me why there are women who carry
their coquetry as far as _la galanterie_?"
_La Comtesse_ (_seriously_).--"A coquette satisfies her own vanity; a
woman who misconducts herself satisfies the vanity of a man. She is a
fool."
_Lady B._--"Ah! that is better (_a few moments' silence_). By the bye,
have you seen Lady G. lately? Poor little woman! is she not an
inconsolable widow?..."
_La Comtesse._--"I saw her last Tuesday. I found her better ... she
was beginning to be a little more reasonable."
_Lady B._--"I saw her the day after Lord G.'s death. She was in a
pitiable state."
_La Comtesse._--"So did I; but that was nothing ... it was on the day
itself that you should have seen her.... She was beside herself ...
she had completely lost her reason.... You should have heard her
reciting the litany of her husband's good qualities. What qualities,
what virtues people discover in their dead relatives, to be sure: did
it never strike you so?... They say Lord G. has left her all his
fortune, at least all that he could leave her.... It is no light
matter being left a widow in England: ... your husbands are very
shrewd, do you know! English wives have a great interest in taking
every care of their husbands."
_Lady B._--"Such is not Lady G.'s case, however. Her husband leaves
her his fortune on condition she remains a widow. If she re-marries,
she loses all her rights."
_La Comtesse._--"Well, well, that is tyranny, or I never understood
the word. Not content with having been a despot all his life, he must
continue after his death to make his wife feel an authority that he
can only exercise by proxy. There! really, it is only in England that
you find husbands of that stamp."
_Lady B._--"I don't agree with you. I think a husband shows his wisdom
in protecting his wife against the fortune-hunters that might be
attracted by her money."
_La Comtesse._--"But a woman is not a baby that does not know one
thing from another ... and if your husbands did not treat you as
minors...."
_Lady B._--"Besides, after all, you must admit that if a man loves his
wife, it is not pleasant for him to think that there is perhaps an
individual who is only waiting for him to die, in order to marry his
widow and enjoy comfortably a fortune that has perhaps cost him great
trouble to amass."
_La Comtesse._--"I do not admit any such injunctions. A woman is
capable of devotion and fidelity. But as for imposing upon her a
sacrifice for which she is to be paid, I call it insulting. I should
never feel anything but contempt for the memory of a husband who had
treated me in such a way.... I should marry again and have done with
him and his money."
_Lady B._--"I can forgive jealousy in those who love deeply; at least
I excuse it."
_La Comtesse._--"And so can I, but what you were speaking of a moment
ago is not jealousy, it is vanity, the vanity of a tyrant.... _A
propos_ of vanity and wills, have you heard about the will of M. de
R.... No? Well then, this is the kind of vanity I admit of: M. de R.
kept up his reputation of a humorist and a good husband to his last
moment. What did he do the night before his death but send for his
notary, and, before his friends and relatives who were present,
dictate to him the following will: 'I have loved my wife dearly, and I
know that my wife has loved me dearly, and will regret me. I leave her
all I have, to do as she pleases with, without having to consult
anyone. I authorise her to marry again; I even advise her to do so; I
do not fear competition.' Now, I can assure you that though Madame de
R. is only thirty-five, and very pretty, she will never marry again.
That is a French husband, my dear."
_Lady B._--"I am very willing to believe all you tell me about French
husbands, and love in married life, but why do not your novels show
us something of that domestic happiness?"
_La Comtesse._--"Ah! I stop you. You are going to speak to me of
novels that treat of impossible society, of _blasé_ men and light
women: but we have others, my dear Lady B. If we have 'Nana,' we have
also 'Le Roman d'un Brave Homme,' 'L'Abbé Constantin,' 'Le Maître de
Forges;' ... I could name them by the hundred. By the bye, have you
ever read 'Monsieur, Madame, et Bébé'?"
_Lady B._--"Have I read it! Ten times at least, and I shall read it
many times more yet."
_La Comtesse._--"I congratulate you."
_Lady B._--"It was Lord B. who made me read it."
_La Comtesse._--"Lord B. is a sensible man. That delightful book ought
to be in every household ... like the Bible: it is a regular treatise
on happiness in married life. How many times have the Count and myself
passed delightful hours together reading a chapter or two of those
charming descriptions!--My husband is a very good reader.--And how
many chapters have we put in practice! How many of those lovely little
scenes have we played!"
_Lady B._--"How fond of you your husband must be!"
_La Comtesse._--"It is twelve years ago that we were married: twelve
years of cloudless happiness.... The Count grows handsomer every year.
He is rather stern-looking, you know, but I like that in a man. When
he frowns, he is superb ... and then, it is so easy to chase his
frowns away: he is so good, so generous, ... so attentive. Would you
believe it? he makes me a regular declaration every time he sees me in
a new dress."
_Lady B._ (_laughing_).--"Really! He must have a pretty milliner's
bill to pay at the end of the year! Ha! ha! ha! There now, positively,
I have broken my needle. Lend me another, dear, will you?"
_La Comtesse_ (_giving her a needle_).--"There is one."
_Lady B._--"Thank you! Oh! what a lovely _marquise_ you have on. Those
diamonds are magnificent; I never saw you wear it before."