of self, to the detriment or exclusion of the interests and even the
rights of others. It is possible, however, for a selfish person to
possess a certain superficial gift of sunshine, which creates for the
time being a pleasant atmosphere, which can deceive those who come
casually into contact with him; but those who see him in all his moods
are not deceived. They know by experience that a peaceful and endurable
environment can only be secured and maintained by a constant pandering
to his whims and ways. He must be studied, not at an odd time, but
continuously and systematically, or woe betide the happiness of home!
When this element is conspicuous in the woman who rules the household,
then that household deserves our pity. A selfish woman is more selfish,
if I may so put it, than a selfish man. Her tyranny is more petty and
more relentless. She exercises it in those countless trifling things
which, insignificant in themselves, yet possess the power to make life
almost insufferable. Sometimes she is fretful and complaining, on the
outlook for slights and injuries, so suspicious of those surrounding her
that they feel themselves perpetually on the brink of a volcano. Or she
is meek and martyred, bearing the buffets of a rude world and unkind
relatives with pious resignation; or self-righteous and complacent,
convinced that she and she alone knows and does the proper thing, and
requiring absolutely that all within her jurisdiction should see eye to
eye with her.
It is no slight, insignificant domain, this kingdom of home, in which
the woman reigns. In one family there are sure to be diversities of
dispositions and contrasts of character most perplexing and difficult to
deal with. She needs so much wisdom, patience, and tact that sometimes
her heart fails her at the varied requirements she is expected to meet,
and to meet both capably and cheerfully. If she has been herself trained
in a well-ordered home, so much the better for her. She has her model to
copy, and her opportunities before her to improve upon it.
Every home is bound to bear the impress of the individuality which
guides it. If it be a weak and colourless individuality, then so much
the worse for the home, which must be its reflex.
This fact has, I think, something solemn in it for women, and it is
somewhat saddening that so many look upon the responsibilities that
home-making entails without the smallest consideration. Verily fools
rush in where angels fear to tread! If they think of the responsibility
at all, they comfort themselves with the delusion that it is every
woman's natural gift to keep house; but housekeeping and home-making are
two different things, though each is dependent on the other.
This thoughtlessness, which results in much needless domestic misery, is
the less excusable because we hear and read so much about the
inestimable value of home influences, the powerful and permanent nature
of early impressions, even if we are not ourselves living examples of
the same. Let us each examine our own heart and mind, and just ask
ourselves how much we owe to the influences surrounding early life, and
how much more vivid are the lessons and impressions of childhood
compared with those of a later date. The contemplation is bound to
astonish us, and if it does not awaken in us a higher sense of
responsibility regarding those who are under the direct sway of our
influence, then there is something amiss with our ideal of life and its
purpose.
[Illustration]
VI.
_KEEPING THE HOUSE._
Making the home and keeping the house are two different things, though
closely allied. Having considered the graces of mind and heart which so
largely contribute to the successful art of home-making, it is not less
necessary that we now devote our attention to the more practical, and
certainly not less important, quality of housekeeping.
Ignorance of the prosaic details of housekeeping is the primary cause of
much of the domestic worry and discomfort that exist, to say nothing of
the more serious discords that may arise from such a defect in the
fitness of the woman supposed to be the home-maker.
For such ignorance, or lack of fitness, to use a milder term, there does
not appear to me to be any excuse; it is so needless, so often wilful.
Some blame careless, indifferent mothers, who do not seem to have
profited by their own experience, but allow their daughters to grow up
in idleness, and launch them on the sea of matrimony with a very faint
idea of what is required of them in their new sphere.
It is very reprehensible conduct on the part of such mothers, and if in
a short time the bright sky of their daughters' happiness begins to
cloud a little, they need not wonder or feel aggrieved. A man is quite
justified in expecting and exacting a moderate degree of comfort at
least in his own house, and if it is not forthcoming may be forgiven a
complaint. He is to be pitied, but his unhappy wife much more deserves
our pity, since she finds herself amid a sea of troubles, at the mercy
of her servants, if she possesses them; and if moderate circumstances
necessitate the performance of the bulk of household duties, then her
predicament is melancholy indeed.
To revert again to our Angelina and Edwin of the comic papers, we have
the threadbare jokes at the expense of the new husband subjected to the
ordeal of Angelina's awful cooking. At first he is forbearing and
encouraging; but in the end, when no improvement is visible, the
honeymoon begins to wane much more rapidly than either anticipated.
Edwin becomes sulky, discontented, and complaining; Angelina tearful or
indignant, as her temperament dictates, but equally and miserably
helpless.
The chances are that time will not improve but rather aggravate her
troubles, especially if the cares of motherhood be added to those of
wifehood, which she finds quite enough for her capacities.
True, some women have a clever knack of adapting themselves readily to
every circumstance, and pick up knowledge with amazing rapidity. If they
are by nature housewifely women, they will triumph over the faults of
their early training, and after sundry mistakes and a good deal of
unnecessary expenditure may develop into fairly competent housewives.
But it is a dangerous and trying experiment, which ought not to be made,
because there is absolutely no need for it. It is the duty of every
mother who has daughters entrusted to her care to begin early to train
them in domestic work. That there are servants in the house need be no
obstacle in the way. There are silly domestics who resent what they call
the "meddling" of young ladies in the kitchen; but no wise woman will
allow that to trouble her, but will take care to show her young
daughters, as time and opportunity offer, every secret contained in the
domestic _repertoire_.
One of the primary lessons to be learned in this housekeeping art is
that of method; viz.--a place for everything, and a time. It is the key
to all domestic comfort. Most of us are familiar with at least one
household where the genius of method is conspicuous by its absence;
where regularity and punctuality are unobserved, if not unknown. The
household governed by a woman without method is to be pitied. Her
husband is a stranger to the comfort of a well-ordered home; and her
children, if she has any, hang as they grow, as the Scotch say; while
her servants, having nobody to guide them, become careless and
indifferent, and so suffer injustice at her hands.
It is such women who are loudest in complaints against servants, and who
are in a state of perpetual warfare against the class. Of course this
method must be kept within bounds, and not carried to excess, thereby
becoming an evil instead of an unmixed good.
We are familiar with that other type of women, who make their
housekeeping an idol, at whose shrine they perpetually worship,
regardless of the comfort of those under their roof-tree. With them it
is a perpetual cleaning day, and woe betide the luckless offender who
has the misfortune to mar, if ever so slightly, the immaculate
cleanliness of that abode! He is likely to have his fault brought home
to him in no measured terms.
The woman possessed of the cleaning mania, who goes to bed to dream of
carpet-beating and furniture polish, and who rises to carry her dreams
into execution, is quite as objectionable in her way as the woman who
never cleans, and for whom the word dirt has no horrors. Although it is
doubtless pleasant to feel assured that no microbe-producing speck can
possibly lurk in any corner of the house, and to be certain that food
and everything pertaining to it is perfect so far as cleanliness is
concerned, there is a sense of insecurity and unrest in the abode of
the over-particular woman which often develops into positive misery and
discomfort. It is the sort of discomfort specially distasteful to the
male portion of mankind. Although they may be compelled to admit, when
brought to bay, that "cleaning" is a necessary evil, it requires a
superhuman amount of persuasion to make them see any good in it. The way
women revel, or appear to revel, in the chaos of a house turned
topsy-turvy is to them the darkest of all mysteries. It is long since
they were compelled to treat it as a conundrum, and give it up.
I think, however, that, with few exceptions, women dislike the
periodical household earthquake quite as much as men, and dread its
approach. The housekeeper who considers the comfort of those about her
will do her utmost to rob it of its horrors. This can be done by a
judicious planning, and by resort to the method of which we spoke in the
last chapter.
Let "One room at a time" be her motto, and then the inmates of the house
will not be made to feel that they are quite in the way, and have no
abiding-place on the face of the earth.
This may involve a little more work, and a great deal of patience; but
she will have her reward in the grateful appreciation of those for whom
she makes home such a happy and restful place.
[Illustration]
VII.
_THE TRUEST ECONOMY._
In these days many new phrases have been coined to give expression and
significance to old truths; thus we hear of the "sin of cheapness," the
fault attributed to those shortsighted bargain-hunters who waste time
and energy and money hunting the length and breadth of the land for the
cheapest market. The true and competent housekeeper knows that there is
no economy in this method of marketing, but the reverse.
Of course, where the family is large and the resources limited, it is
absolutely incumbent on the purveyor to seek the most moderate market;
and those of us who dwell in cities know that prices vary with
localities, and that West-enders must pay a West-end price. But it is
reprehensible always to hunt for cheap things simply because they are
cheap, because we ought not to forget that this very cheapness has
caused suffering, or at least deprivation, somewhere, since it would
appear that some things are absolutely offered at prices under the cost
of production.
In the matter of food, so important a factor in the health and
well-being of the family, it can seldom be a saving to buy in the cheap
market, because cheapness there is too often a synonymous term with
unwholesomeness; and a small quantity of the very best will undoubtedly
afford more sustenance than an unlimited supply of inferior quality. In
small and working-class homes the tea and tinned-food grievance is an
old one, but one which does not appear to be in the way of mending.
If the wives and mothers of the working-class could only have it
demonstrated to them, beyond all question, that a small piece of
excellent fresh beef, made into a wholesome soup flavoured with
vegetables, would give three times the nourishment of this tinned stuff,
which, good enough as an occasional stand-by, has become the curse and
the tyrant of the lazy and thriftless housewife, what a step in the
right direction that would be! The mere salting and preserving process
destroys the most valuable nutritive elements of the meat; and though it
may be tasty and palatable, it is practically useless as a
strength-producer or strength-imparter.
Milk, too, we fear has not its proper place in very many homes where
children abound; though no mother of even ordinary intelligence can shut
her eyes to the fact that it is Nature's own food for her children in
their early years, when it is so important to build up the elements of a
strong constitution. I would here put in a plea for oatmeal, in former
days the backbone of my country's food, and which has of late years
fallen sadly into disuse, especially in quarters where its very
cheapness and absolute wholesomeness recommend it as _the_ food _par
excellence_ for old and young. We have replaced it with tea and toast,
to the great detriment of limb and muscle and digestive power. It is in
the palace now we find oatmeal accorded its rightful place, not in the
cottage; and the change is to be deplored.
Regularity in meals is another thing the wise housekeeper will insist
upon in her abode. Regularity and punctuality, how delightful they are,
and how they ease the roll of the domestic wheels! A punctual and tidy
woman makes a punctual and tidy home. We know the type who dawdles away
the forenoon in idle talk or listless indolence, and rushes to prepare a
hasty and only half-cooked meal when perhaps her husband or children are
on their way home from school or workshop; and this is a very fruitful
cause of domestic dispeace, and at the root even of much of the
intemperance which has ruined so many homes. If a man has no comfort at
his own fireside, then he is compelled in self-defence to seek it
elsewhere.
To recur to the question of buying in cheap markets, the principle that
what is good and costs something to begin with will inevitably prove the
cheapest in the end is even more clearly demonstrated in the matter of
clothing than of food. The best will always wear and look the best, even
when it has grown threadbare. Then when we hear so constantly of the
appalling misery endured by men and women who make the garments sold in
the cheap shops, we are bound to feel that these things are offered at a
price which is the cost of flesh and blood. This is a very pressing
question, and one which many Christian people do not lay to heart. There
appears to be in every human breast the instinct of the bargain-hunter,
and there is a placid satisfaction in having got something at an
exceptionally low price which charms the finer sensibilities.
To gratify this peculiar and morbid craving, witness the system of
buying and selling which prevails in Italy; the shopkeepers there, with
few exceptions, invariably asking double the money they are willing to
accept. And to this craving in our own country is due the system of all
cheap sales in the shops, and mock auctions in the sale-rooms, in which
many a shortsighted person of both sexes fritter away both time and
money. It is a rotten system, and shows that there is great need for
reform in this matter of buying and selling, which occupies so much of
our time, means, and thought.
All good housekeepers know that those who buy in the ready-money market
fare best; and besides, the paying out of ready-money is undoubtedly a
check on expenditure, and is to be specially recommended to people of
small means. It is easy and tempting to give an order, and though it can
no doubt be paid for sooner or later, somehow the sum always seems to
assume larger proportions as time goes on. We very seldom get in a bill
for a less amount than we expect. My own view of the case is, that I
grudge to pay for food after it is eaten, or clothes after they are
worn; and in my own housekeeping I have found ready-money, or, at the
outside, weekly accounts, the best arrangement, to which I adhere
without any exceptions. Short accounts, also, give one another
advantage, the choice of all markets. Thus the money is laid out to the
best possible advantage, and the highest value obtained.
All thrifty and far-seeing housekeepers know that it is cheaper to buy
certain household stores, as sugar, butter, flour, soap, etc., in
quantities, provided there is a suitable storeroom where the things
will be kept in good condition. There are indeed innumerable methods
whereby the good housewife can save her coppers and her shillings, and a
wise woman is she who takes advantage of them to the utmost.
This art of housekeeping is not learned in a day; those of us who have
been engaged in it for years are constantly finding out how little we
know, and how far we are, after all, from perfection.
It requires a clever woman to keep house; and as I said before there is
ample scope, even within the four walls of a house (a sphere which some
affect to despise), for the exercise of originality, organising power,
administrative ability. And to the majority of women I would fain
believe it is the most interesting and satisfactory of all feminine
occupations.
[Illustration]
VIII.
_ON KEEPING UP APPEARANCES._
In these very words lurks a danger likely to beset our young couple, on
the very threshold of their career.
All eyes are upon them, of course; their house and all it contains,
their way of life, the position they take up and maintain, are, for the
time being, topics of intense concern to all who know them, and to many
who do not. There is no doubt that we need to go back in some degree to
the simpler way of life in vogue in the days of our grandmothers; that
pretentiousness and extravagance have reached a point which is almost
unendurable. We are constantly being informed by statistics which cannot
be questioned that the marriage rate is decreasing; and we know that in
our own circles the number of marriageable girls and marriageable youths
who for some inexplicable reason _don't_ marry is very great.
What _is_ the reason? Is the age of romance over? is it impossible any
longer to conjure with the words love and marriage in the garden of
youth? or is it that our young people are less brave and enduring, that
they shrink from the added responsibility, care, and self-denial
involved in the double life? My own view is that this pretentiousness
and desire for display is at the bottom of it; that young people want to
begin where their fathers and mothers left off, and that courage is
lacking to take a step down and begin together on the lowest rung of the
ladder.
I have heard many young men say that they are afraid to ask girls to
leave the luxury and comfort of their father's house, and to enter a
plainer home, where they will have less luxury and more care; and
though I grant that there are many girls who would shrink from the
ordeal, and who prefer the indolent ease of single blessedness to the
cares of matrimony on limited means, yet have I been tempted sometimes,
looking at these young men, to wonder in my soul whether it was not
_they_ who shrank from the plain home and the increased responsibility
marriage involves. The salary sufficient for the comfort and mild luxury
of one is scarcely elastic enough for two.
It would mean giving up a good many things; it would mean fewer cigars,
fewer new suits, fewer first nights at the theatre,--in fact, a general
modification of luxuries which he has begun to regard as indispensable;
and he asks himself, Is the game worth the candle? His answer is, No.
And so he drifts out of young manhood into bachelor middle age, passing
unscathed through many flirtations, becoming encrusted with selfish
ideas and selfish aims, and gradually less fit for domestic life. And
all the time, while he imagines he has a fine time of it, he has missed
the chief joy, the highest meaning of life.
The conditions of modern life are certainly harder than they were.
Competition in every profession and calling is so enormous that
remuneration has necessarily fallen; and it is a problem to many how
single life is to be respectably maintained, let alone double. Then the
invasions of women into almost every domain of man's work is somewhat
serious in its consequences to men. A woman can be got to do a certain
thing as quickly, correctly, and efficiently as a man; therefore the man
goes to the wall. While we are glad to see the position of woman
improve, and the value of her labour in the markets of the world
increase, we are perplexed as to the effect of this better condition of
things on the position of men. The situation is full of perplexities,
strained to the utmost.
There is no doubt whatever that this improvement in the position of
woman, the increased opportunities afforded her of making a respectable
livelihood, has had, and is having, its serious effect in the marriage
market. A single woman in a good situation, the duties of which she has
strength of body and strength of mind to perform, is a very independent
being, and in contrast with many of her married sisters a person to be
envied. She has her hours, for one thing; there is no prospect of an
eight hours' day for the married woman with a family to superintend.
Then she, having earned her own money, can spend it as she likes--and
has to give account of it only to herself; and she is free from the
physical trials and disabilities consequent upon marriage and maternity.
If you tell her that the sweet fulness of married life, its multiplied
joys, amply compensate for the troubles, she will shake her head and
want proof.
Altogether, the outlook matrimonial is not very bright. Now, while we
deplore, as a serious evil, hasty, improvident, ill-considered
marriages, and hold that their consequences are very sad, we would also,
scarcely less seriously, deplore that over-cautiousness which is
reducing the marriage rate in quarters where it ought not to be
reduced,--our lower middle-class, which is the backbone of society.
There is no fear of a serious reduction in other quarters: where there
is no responsibility felt, there is none to shirk; and so, among the
very poor, children are multiplied, and obligations increased, without
any thought for the morrow, or concern for future provision. There is a
very supreme kind of selfishness in this over-cautiousness which is not
delightful to contemplate, the fear lest self should be inconvenienced
or deprived in the very slightest degree; and all this does not tend to
the highest development of human nature, but rather the reverse, since
the spirit of self-denial and self-sacrifice is one of the loveliest
attributes of human character.
That it is possible for two people to live together almost as cheaply as
one, and, if the wife be careful, thrifty, and managing, with a great
deal more comfort, is hardly disputed; and surely love is yet strong
enough to take its chance of falling on evil days, and when they come of
making the best of them. Our girls must exhibit less frivolity, less
devotion to dress and idle amusements, if they wish for homes of their
own; because at present it is partly true that men are afraid to take
the risk and responsibility of them as partners in life.
And this brings us back to the heading of our chapter, the subject of
keeping up appearances. This fearful rivalry to make the greatest show
on inadequate means, to outshine our neighbours in house and dress and
everything else, is really a tremendous evil, the scourge of many
middle-class families. And what, after all, is its aim or outcome; what
its rewards?
To begin with, it is a pandering, pure and simple, to the baser part of
human nature--the desire to out-rival your neighbour, to be able to soar
over him at any price; and more, it is both hypocritical and immoral.
Hypocritical, because it is pure pretence to a station which has no
means to support it; and immoral, because you cannot afford to pay for
it, and thereby suffering is entailed somewhere and somehow. How many of
us number among our acquaintances (if not absolutely guilty ourselves),
persons who, possessed of a small and limited income, live in a large
house, the rent of which is a kind of sword of Damocles hanging over
them for ever?