_Conrad Althaus’s suit to Lilly.--The Easter foot-washing.--I meet
Tilling again and receive him at my own house.--A disappointing
interview.--Tilling announces his departure from Vienna.--A
conversation about war.--I invite him to a last interview, which is
interrupted by my father.--A ride in the Prater.--We understand
each other at last._
Three weeks had passed.
Conrad Althaus had proposed for my sister Lilly, and met with a refusal.
But he did not take the matter much to heart, and remained a zealous
visitor at our house, and hovered about us in the drawing-rooms of our
society. I expressed to him once my admiration for his unshaken fidelity
to his slavery.
“I am very glad,” I said, “that you are not angry; but it is a proof to
me that your feeling for Lilly was not so ardent after all as you
pretend, for rejected love is wont to be angry and resentful.”
“You are mistaken, my respected Mrs. Cousin; I love Lilly to
distraction. At first I believed that my heart belonged to you, but you
held yourself so aloof and were so cold that I stifled my budding
passion in good time; and then for a time I was interested in Rosa; but
at last I fixed my affection on Lilly, and to this affection I will now
remain true to the end of my life.”
“Oh, that is very like you!”
“Lilly or no one!”
“But as she will not have you, my poor Conrad?”
“Do you think I am the first who has been met by a refusal, and has gone
back to the same lady a second and a third time, and has been accepted
at the fourth offer, just to stop his importunity? Lilly has not fallen
in love with me, which is a matter not easily to be accounted for, but
is still a fact. That under these circumstances she should have resisted
the temptation, which for so many maidens is irresistible, to become a
wife, and would not accept an offer which in a worldly point of view
would be a desirable one, that seems to me most good in her, and I am
more in love with her than ever. Gradually my devotion will touch her
and awaken a return of love, and then, dearest Martha, you will become
my sister-in-law. I hope you will not go against me?”
“I? Oh no! On the contrary, your system of perseverance pleases me. With
time and the exhibition of tenderness one can always succeed in ‘wooing
and winning,’ as the English call it. But as to _minnen und
gewinnen_,[5] our young gentlemen seem hardly disposed to take the
necessary trouble. They want not to strive after and gain their
happiness, but to pluck it without any trouble, like some wayside
flower.”
In a fortnight Tilling was back in Vienna, as I heard, and yet he did
not come to my house. I could not, of course, expect to meet him in
people’s drawing-rooms, since his bereavement kept him away from all
society. Still I had hoped that he would have come, or at least written
to me; but one day after another passed and did not bring the expected
visit or letter.
“I cannot think, Martha, what has come to you,” said Aunt Mary to me one
morning. “For some time you have been so out of humour, so _distraite_,
so--I don’t know what to call it. You are very wrong not to lend an ear
to any of your suitors. This solitary existence, as I have said from the
very first, is not good for you. The consequence of it is these low
spirits which distinguish you just now. Have you quite forgotten your
Easter devotions? They would help to do you good.”
“I think that both things--I mean both marrying and going to
confession--should be done for love of the thing itself, not as a remedy
for low spirits. None of my suitors please me; and as for
confession----”
“Well, it is high time for that; to-morrow is Maundy Thursday. Have you
tickets for the foot-washing?”
“Yes, papa has sent me some, but I really do not know whether I shall
go.”
“Oh! but you must. There is nothing more beautiful and more elevating
than this ceremony. The triumph of Christian humility. The emperor and
empress prostrating themselves to the earth to wash the feet of poor men
and women in their service. Does not that symbolise well how small and
insignificant is earthly majesty before the heavenly?”
“In order to represent humility symbolically by kneeling down one must
feel oneself to be really a very exalted personage. It means--‘What
God’s Son was in comparison with the apostles, I, the emperor, am in
comparison with these poor folks’. This fundamental motive of the
ceremony does not strike me as peculiarly humble.”
“What curious notions you have, Martha. In these three years that you
have passed in solitude in the country, and in the perusal of wicked
books, your ideas have become so perverted.”
“_Wicked_ books?”
“Yes, wicked. I maintain that the word is correct. The other day when in
my innocence I spoke to the archbishop about a book I had seen on your
table, and which from its title I took for a religious work, _The Life
of Jesus_, by one Strauss, why, he smote his hands together above his
head, and cried out: ‘Merciful Heaven, how came you by such a profligate
work?’ I turned as red as fire, and assured him that I had not read the
book myself, but had only seen it at a relation’s. ‘Then demand of your
relation, as she values her salvation, to throw this book into the
fire.’ And that I do now Martha. Will you burn the book?”
“If we were two or three centuries earlier we might have watched, not
the book, but the author, going to the flames. That would have been more
effectual--more effectual for the time, though not for long.”
“You give me no answer. Will you burn this book?”
“No.”
“What! nothing but no?”
“Why should we have any long talk about it? We do not yet understand
each other in these matters, dear auntie. Let me rather tell you what
little Rudolf yesterday----”
And thus the conversation was happily led off to another and a fruitful
subject, in which no difference of opinion came in between us; for we
were both agreed on this matter, that Rudolf Dotzky was the dearest, the
most original, and, for his age, the most advanced child in the world.
Next day I resolved nevertheless to attend the foot-washing. A little
after ten, in black clothes, as beseems Passion week, my sister Rosa and
I presented ourselves in the great hall of state in the Burg. On a
scaffold there places were reserved for members of the aristocracy and
of the diplomatic corps. Thus one was again in one’s own set, and
greetings were exchanged left and right. The gallery too was closely
packed, also with persons selected, and who had got cards of admission,
but still a little “mixed,” not belonging only to the _crème_, as we
were on our scaffold. In short, the old caste separations and
privileges, to correspond with this _fête_ of symbolical humility. I do
not know whether the others were in a mood of religious devotion, but I
awaited what was coming with just the same feeling with which one looks
forward in the theatre to a promised “spectacle”. Just as there, after
exchanging salutations from box to box, one looks with excitement for
the rise of the curtain, so I was looking in the direction in which the
chorus and soloists in the show before me were to appear. The whole
scene was already set, especially the long table at which the twelve old
men and twelve old women had to seat themselves.
Still I was glad I had come, for I felt excited, and this is always a
pleasant feeling, and one which delivers one from troublous thoughts for
the moment. My trouble was constantly “Why does not Tilling show
himself?” Just now this fixed idea had left me. What I was expecting and
wishing to see was the imperial and the humble actors in the _fête_
before me. And exactly at that moment, when I was not thinking of him,
my eyes fell on Tilling.
The mass was just over, the dignitaries of the Court had just entered
the hall, followed by the general staff and the corps of officers, and I
was letting my gaze wander unconcernedly over all these persons in
uniform, who were not the chief actors, but only intended to fill the
stage--when suddenly I recognised Tilling, who had taken his position
just opposite our seat. It ran through me like an electric shock. He was
not looking our way. His look showed traces of the suffering he had gone
through during the last few weeks--an expression of deep sorrow rested
on his features. How gladly would I have shown my sympathy with him by a
silent warm pressure of the hand! I kept my gaze firmly fixed on him,
hoping that by this magnetic power I might compel him to look in my way
too--but in vain.
“They are coming! they are coming!” cried Rosa, nudging me. “Only look!
How beautiful--what a picture!”
It was the old men and women, clothed in the old German costume, who
were now introduced. The youngest of the women--so said the
newspapers--was eighty-eight years old, the youngest of the men
eighty-five. Wrinkled, toothless, bowed--I could not see really the
point of Rosa’s “How beautiful!” What pleased me, however, was the
costume. This was peculiarly and excellently suited to the whole
ceremony, so penetrated with the spirit of the Middle Ages. The
anachronism, in this respect, was ourselves--in our modern clothes and
with our modern notions we did not harmonise with the picture.
After the twenty-four old people had taken their seats at the table, a
number of gentlemen, mostly elderly, bedizened with gold-sticks and
orders, came into the hall; the privy councillors and chamberlains, many
countenances of our acquaintance, Minister “To-be-sure” among the rest,
were there. Lastly followed the priests, who had to officiate in the
solemn rite. So now the march of the supernumeraries into the hall was
over, and the expectation of the public rose to the highest pitch of
excitement.
My eyes, however, were not so closely fixed as those of the other
spectators in that direction from which the court was to come, but kept
always turning back to Tilling. The latter had at last looked my way,
and recognised me. He saluted me.
Rosa’s hand was again laid on my arm.
“Martha, are you ill? You have turned pale and red all at once! Look!
Now! Now!”
In fact, the chapel master--I should have said the chief master of the
ceremonies--raised his staff and gave the signal of the approach of the
imperial couple. This promised at any rate a sight worth seeing, for,
apart from their being the highest, they were certainly one of the most
beautiful couples in the land. At the same time as the emperor and
empress several archdukes and archduchesses had entered, and now the
ceremony was to begin. Stewards and pages brought in the dishes, full of
food, and the emperor and empress placed them before the old people as
they sat at table. This afforded more _tableaux_ than ever. The
utensils, the meats, and the way in which the pages carried them,
reminded one of many famous pictures of banquets in the Renaissance
style.
Scarcely, however, had the dishes been put on, when the table was taken
away again, a labour which again, as a sign of humility, was done by the
archdukes. And when the table had been carried away, the special
climax-scene of the piece (what the French call _le clou de la
pièce_)--the foot-washing--began. This was indeed only a sham washing,
as the meal had been only a sham meal. Kneeling on the floor, the
emperor stroked down the feet of the old men with a towel, while the
assisting priest made a show of pouring water out of a can over them;
and so he glided from the first to the twelfth old man, whilst the
empress--whom one was accustomed to see only majestically seated on
high--in the same humble attitude, in which she did not however lose
anything of her accustomed grace, went through the same proceeding with
the twelve old women. The accompanying music, or, if you like, the
explanatory chorus, was formed by the reading of the gospel of the day.
I should have been glad for a few moments to have been able to feel what
was passing in the minds of these old people while they were sitting in
this strange costume stared at by a glittering crowd, and with the
country’s father, the country’s mother--their majesties--at their feet.
Probably, if the momentary exchange of consciousness I wished for could
have been granted me, it would have been no definite feeling I should
have experienced, but only a confused, dazzled half dream, a sensation
at once glad and painful, confused and solemn, a complete suspension of
thought in those poor heads, already so ignorant and weak with age. All
that was real and comprehensible in the matter for the good old folks
might have been the prospect of the red silk purses with the thirty
silver pieces in them which were hung about each neck by their
majesties’ own hands, and of the basket of food which was given to each
on their departure home.
The whole ceremony was soon over, and the hall then began to empty at
once. First the Court went out, then all the others who had taken parts
withdrew, and the public out of the scaffold and gallery at the same
time.
“It _was_ beautiful! It _was_ beautiful!” whispered Rosa with a deep
breath.
I answered nothing. I had, in fact, no cause to pity the confusion and
incapacity of thought of the old folks in the ceremony, for my own
conception of what had been going on was just as confused, and I had
only one thought in my mind--“Will some one be waiting for us outside?”
However, we did not get to the exit so quickly as I should have liked.
First there was shaking hands and exchanging a few words with nearly all
the spectators on the scaffold, who had left their places at the same
time as ourselves. They kept standing in a great group on the stairway,
and it became a regular morning party.
“Good-day, Tini!”
“_Bon-jour_, Martha.”
“Ah! are you there too, countess?”
“Are you engaged for Easter Sunday?”
“Good-day, your highness, don’t forget that we are expecting you to a
little dance on Monday evening.”
“Were you at the sermon at the Dominicans’ yesterday?”
“No; I was at the Sacred Heart, where my daughters are in retreat.”
“The next rehearsal for our charity performance is on Tuesday, at
twelve, dear baron; pray be punctual.”
“The empress looked superb again.”
“Did you notice, Lori, how the Archduke Ludwig Victor kept sidling off
to the divine Fanny?”
“_Madame, j’ai l’honneur de vous présenter mes hommages._”
“_Ah! c’est vous, marquis, charmée!_”
“I wish you good-morning, Lord Chesterfield!”
“Oh! how are you? awfully fine woman, your empress.”
“Have you yet secured a box for Adelina Patti’s performance? A
wonderfully rising star.”
“So the news of Ferdy Drontheim’s engagement with the banker’s daughter
is quite confirmed. It _is_ a scandal!”
And so the chatter went on from all sides. An unimpassioned listener
would hardly have concluded from these speeches that they sprang out of
the impressions of a scene of humble devotion just concluded.
At last we got out of the gate, where our carriages were in waiting, and
a crowd of people were collected. These folks wanted at least to see
those who had been so lucky as to have seen the gentry who had been
spectators of the Court; and then, on their side, they could pass
themselves off as people only a little less distinguished, as having
seen the spectators.
We had scarcely got out when Tilling stood before me. He made me a bow.
“I have to thank you again, Countess Dotzky, for the beautiful wreath.”
I gave him my hand, but could not speak a word.
Our carriage had come up; I was obliged to get in, and Rosa was pressing
me forward. Tilling raised his hand to his cap, and was retiring. Then I
made a great effort, and said, in a tone which sounded quite strange in
my own ears:--
“On Sunday, between two and three, I shall be at home”.
He bowed in silence, and we got in.
“You must have taken cold, Martha,” remarked my sister as we drove away.
“Your invitation sounded quite hoarse; and why did not you introduce
that melancholy staff-officer to me? I have seldom seen a less cheerful
visage.”
On the day appointed, and at the hour named, Tilling was announced.
Before that I had made the following entry in the red book:--
“I expect that this day will be decisive of my fate. I feel such a
solemnity, such an anxiety, so sweet an expectation. I must fix this
frame of mind on these pages, so that, if I turn back to them again
after long years, I may be able to recall quite vividly the hours which
I am now looking forward to with so much emotion. Perhaps it will turn
out quite differently from what I expect--perhaps exactly the same. At
any rate it will be interesting to me to see how far anticipation and
reality correspond. The expected guest loves me; the letter he wrote
from his mother’s deathbed proves that. He is loved in return; the
rosebud in the funeral wreath must have shown him that. And now we are
to meet without witnesses, moved to our hearts’ core--he in need of
comfort, I penetrated with the desire to console him. I expect there
will not be many words pass. Tears in both our eyes, hands clasped
tremblingly, and we shall have understood one another. Two loving, two
happy mortals, earnest, devoted, passionate, devoutly happy; while in
society the thing will be announced indifferently and drily, somewhat in
this fashion: ‘Have you heard? Martha Dotzky is engaged to Tilling--a
poor match!’ It is five minutes past two. He may come now any minute.
There is a ring! This palpitation, this trembling: I feel that----”
This is as far as I got. The last line is scrawled in letters which are
almost illegible--a sign that “this palpitation, this trembling” was not
a mere figure of rhetoric.
Anticipation and reality did not correspond. During his half-hour’s call
Tilling behaved very reservedly and very coldly. He begged my
forgiveness for the liberty he had taken in writing to me, and hoped I
would attribute this breach of etiquette to the loss of control which a
man in such sorrowful moments may well experience. Then he told me
something more of the last days and of the life of his mother; but of
what I was looking for, not a word. And so I also became every moment
more reserved and cold. When he rose to go I made no effort to detain
him, and I did not ask him to come again.
When he had gone I rushed again to the red book, which was lying there
open, and went on with the interrupted topic.
“I feel that all is over--that I have shamefully deceived myself, that
he does not love me, and will even think now that he is as indifferent
to me as I to him. I received him in an almost repellent way. I feel
that he will never come again. And yet the world holds for me no second
man. There is no one else so good, so noble, so intellectual--and there
is no other woman, Frederick, who has loved you as I have loved
you--assuredly not your princess, to whom, as it seems, you have turned
back again. Son Rudolf, you must now be my consolation and my stay. From
this time I will have no more to do with woman’s love--it is mother’s
love alone which must now fill my heart and my life. If I can succeed in
forming you into such a man as _he_ is--if some day I may be wept by
you, as he weeps for his mother--I shall have gained my end.”
It is surely a foolish habit--this diary-writing. These wishes, plans,
and views, always changing, vanishing and coming anew, which form the
current of our soul’s life--to strive to immortalise them by writing
them down is a mistake to start with, and brings before oneself, when
one peruses it in after years, the constant shame of having to recognise
one’s own fickleness. Here are recorded now on the same page, and under
the same date, two such different humours--first the most confident
hope, and by its side the most complete despair, and the pages next it
may give proof of something quite different again.
The Easter Monday was favoured by the most splendid spring weather, and
the ride in the Prater, which takes place, according to custom, on that
day, a kind of holiday preparatory to the great Corso of May Day, went
off with especial lustre. I cannot say how much this lustre, this
delight in holiday and spring which was all around me, contrasted with
the sorrow which filled my spirit. And yet I would not have given up my
sorrow, would not have had again the same light, and therefore also
empty heart, as two months before--when I had not made Tilling’s
acquaintance. For, though my love was, according to all appearance, an
unhappy one, yet it was love--and this implies a raising of the
intensity of life--that warm, tender feeling which expanded my heart as
often as the dear image passed before my inward eye. I could not have
lived without it.
I had never thought it likely that the subject of my dreams would come
before my eyes here in the Prater, in the midst of this whirl of worldly
pleasure. And yet when, without thinking, I happened once to let my gaze
wander towards the ride, I saw far off galloping down the promenade in
our direction an officer, in whom--though my short sight could not
distinguish him clearly--I at once recognised Tilling. As soon as he
came near, and crossed our carriage, with a salute in passing, I
returned his greeting, not with a mere bow, but with warm gestures. At
the same moment I was aware that I had done what was unbecoming and
improper.
“Who is that you were making those signs to?” asked my sister Lilly.
“Ah, I see,” she added, “there is the inevitable Conrad walking--you
were waving your hand to him?”
This timely appearance of the “inevitable Conrad” came very _apropos_
for me. I was thankful to my trusty cousin for it, and proceeded at once
to give effect to my gratitude.
“Look here, Lilly,” I said, “he is, I am sure, a good man, and, no
doubt, is here only on your account again. You should take pity on
him--you should be good to him. Oh, if you knew how sweet it is to have
any one dear to you, you would not shut your heart so. Go make him
happy, the good fellow.”
Lilly stared at me in astonishment.
“But suppose he is indifferent to me, Martha?”
“Perhaps you are in love with some one else?”
She shook her head: “No, no one”.
“Oh, poor thing!”
We made two or three more turns up and down the promenade. But the one
whom my eyes were searching after all about I did not see a second time.
He had quitted the Prater again.
* * * * *
A few days later, in the afternoon, Tilling was announced. He did not,
however, find me alone, for my father and Aunt Mary had come to call,
and besides these Rosa and Lilly, Conrad Althaus and Minister
“To-be-sure” were in my drawing-room.
I almost uttered a cry of astonishment--this visit came upon me with
such a surprise and at the same time so delighted and excited me. But
the delight was soon over, when Tilling, after exchanging salutations
with the company, and taking a seat opposite to me, at my invitation,
said in an unconcerned tone:--
“I am come _pour prendre congé_, countess. I am leaving Vienna in a few
days.”
“For long?” “Where are you going?” “What is the reason?” “What is it
about?” asked the others, all at once, and with interest, while I
remained dumb.
“Perhaps for good.” “To Hungary.” “Exchanging into another regiment.”
“For love of the Magyars,” explained Tilling, in answer to his different
questioners.
Meanwhile I had collected myself.
“It was a sudden resolution,” I said, as calmly as I could. “What harm
has our Vienna done to you that you quit it in such a violent hurry?”
“It is too lively and too gay for me. I am in a mood which makes one
long to mope in solitude.”
“Oh, well!” said Conrad, “the gloomier one’s mood, the more one ought to
seek amusement. An evening in the Karls theatre has a much more
refreshing effect than passing all day musing alone.”
“The best thing, my dear Tilling, to give you a shake up,” said my
father, “would, I am certain, be a jolly rattling war, but unluckily
there is no prospect of that before us. The peace threatens to last as
long as one can see.”
“Well,” I could not help remarking, “that is an extraordinary
collocation of words, ‘war’ and ‘jolly,’ ‘peace’ and ‘threatening’.”
“To be sure,” assented the Minister, “the political horizon at the
moment does not show any black point, still storm-clouds sometimes rise
quite unexpectedly all of a sudden, and the chance can never be excluded
that a difference--even unimportant in itself--may cause the outbreak of
war. I say that for your comfort, colonel. As for myself, since I, in
virtue of my office, have to manage the home affairs of the country, my
wishes must, to be sure, be directed exclusively to the maintenance of
peace as long as possible--for it is this alone which is naturally
adapted to further the interests lying in my domain. Still this does not
prevent me from taking note of the just desires of those who from a
military point of view are, to be sure----”
“Permit me, your excellence,” interrupted Tilling, “as far as I am
myself concerned, to protest against the assumption that I wish for a
war, and also to protest against the underlying principle that the
military point of view ought to be different from the human. We exist in
order to protect the country should an enemy threaten it, just as a fire
engine exists in order to put out a fire if it breaks out, but that
gives the soldier no right to desire war any more than a fireman to wish
for a fire. Both involve misfortune--heavy misfortune--and no one, as a
man, ought to rejoice over the misfortunes of his fellow-men.”
“You good, you dear man,” I said, in silence, to the speaker.
The latter continued:--
“I am quite aware that the opportunity for personal distinction comes to
the one only from conflagrations and to the other only from campaigns;
but how poor of heart and narrow of mind must a man be before his
selfish interests can seem to him so gigantic as to blot out the sight
of the universal misery! Peace is the greatest blessing, or rather the
absence of the greatest curse. It is, as you said yourself, the only
condition in which the interests of the population can be furthered, and
yet you would give to a large fragment of this population, the army, the
right to wish for the cessation of the condition of growth and to long
for that of destruction? To nourish this ‘just’ wish till it grows into
a demand, and then, perhaps, obtains its fulfilment? To make war that
the army may anyhow be occupied and satisfied is just as if we set fire
to houses that the fire brigade may distinguish itself and earn renown.”
“Your comparison, dear colonel, is a lame one,” replied my father,
giving Tilling, contrary to his habit, his military title, perhaps to
remind him that his opinions were not consistent with his calling.
“Conflagrations do nothing but damage, while wars may get power and
greatness for the country. How else have states been formed and extended
except by victorious campaigns? Personal ambition is surely not the only
thing that makes soldiers delight in war. It is above all things, pride
in one’s race, in one’s country, that finds its dearest nourishment
there--in a word, patriotism.”
“Especially love of home?” replied Tilling. “I do not really understand
why it is we soldiers in particular who make as if we had a monopoly of
this feeling, which is natural to the majority of mankind. Every one
loves the soil on which he grows up; every one wishes the elevation and
the good of his own countrymen. But happiness and renown are to be
reached by quite other means than war; pride can be excited by quite
other exploits than deeds of arms. I, for instance, am much prouder of
Anastatius Grün than of any of our field-marshals.”
“Well, but can anybody even compare a poet with a commander?” cried my
father.
“That is my question too. The bloodless laurel is by far the more
lovely.”
“But, my dear baron,” said my aunt at this point, “I have never heard a
soldier speak so. What becomes, then, of the ardour of battle, of the
warlike fire?”
“Dear lady, those are feelings not at all unknown to me. It was by them
that I was animated when as a youngster of nineteen I took the field for
the first time. But when I had seen the realities of butchery, when I
had been a witness of the bestialities which are connected with it, my
enthusiasm evaporated, and I went into my subsequent battles, not with
pleasure, but with resignation.”
“Listen to me, Tilling. I have been present at more campaigns than you,
and have also seen plenty of scenes of horror; but my zeal has not yet
cooled. When in the year ’49 I followed Radetzky, though a middle-aged
man, I felt all the same delight as on the first occasion.”
“Excuse me, your excellence. But you belong to an older generation--a
generation in which the warlike spirit is much more lively than in ours,
and in which the feeling for humanity, which is zealous for the
abolition of all misery, and which is at this time extending in
ever-widening circles, was still totally unknown.”
“What is the good? Misery there must always be: it can no more be
abolished than war.”
“Pray observe, Count Althaus, that in these words you are defining the
only point of view (one now much shaken) from which the past used to
regard all social evils--_i.e._, the point of view of resignation--as
one looks at what is inevitable, what is a natural necessity. But if
ever, at the sight of a great evil, the doubtful question has forced
itself on one’s heart, ‘Must this be so?’ then the heart can no longer
remain cold; and, besides pity, a kind of repentance springs up. Not a
personal repentance indeed, but--how shall I express it?--a _protest
from the conscience of the age_.”
My father shrugged his shoulders. “That is above me,” said he. “I can
only assure you that it is not only we old grandfathers who think with
pride and joy on our old campaigns, but also that most of the young men
and boys, if asked whether they would like to go out to a war, would
answer at once: ‘Yes, with pleasure, all possible pleasure’.”
“The boys, surely. They have still in their hearts the enthusiasm which
is implanted at school. And of the others, many answer, as you say,
‘With pleasure’ because that answer is looked on, according to the
popular conception, as manly and courageous; and the honest ‘Not
willingly’ might easily be interpreted as a proof of cowardice.”
“Oh!” said Lilly, with a little shudder, “I should be a coward too. Oh,
how horrible it must be with bullets flying on all sides, and death
threatening every instant!”
“That is a sentiment which is natural in your mouth as a young girl,”
replied Tilling. “But we men have to repress the instinct of
self-preservation. Soldiers have also to repress the compassion, the
sympathy for the gigantic trouble which invades both friend and foe;
for, next to cowardice, what is most disgraceful to us is all
sentimentality, all that is emotional.”
“Only in war, my dear Tilling,” said my father, “only in war. In private
life, thank God, we too have soft hearts.”
“Oh yes! I know it. It is a kind of magic. Immediately on the
declaration of war one says all at once of any horror: ‘Oh! that goes
for nothing’. Children sometimes make the same agreement in their games.
‘If I do this or that it goes for nothing,’ you may hear them say. And
in the game of war the same conventions, though unspoken, apply.
Manslaughter is no longer to count as manslaughter; robbery counts no
longer as robbery; theft is not thieving but ‘requisition’; villages
burnt represent, not conflagrations, but ‘positions taken’. To all the
precepts of the statute book, of the catechism, of the moral law, as
long as the game lasts, the same applies--‘It goes for nothing’. But if
ever occasionally the gambling fervour slackens, if the convention that
‘it goes for nothing’ disappears from one’s conscience for one moment,
and one comprehends the scenes around one in their reality, and
conceives of this depth of misery, this wholesale crime as meaning
something, then one would wish for one thing only to deliver one out of
the intolerable woe of such a sight--namely, to be dead.”
“Well, really!” remarked Aunt Mary meditatively, “sentences like ‘Thou
shalt not murder,’ ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Love thy neighbour as
thyself,’ ‘Forgive thine enemies’----”
“Go for nothing,” repeated Tilling; “and those, whose calling it is to
teach these sentences, are the first to bless our arms and call down
Heaven’s blessing on our murderous work.”
“And rightly so,” said my father. “The God of the Bible was of old time
the God of battles, the Lord of armies. He it is who commands us to draw
the sword. He it is----”
“Men always,” interrupted Tilling, “decree that what they themselves
want to see done is His will; and they attribute to Him the enactment of
eternal laws of love, which, whenever His children begin the great game
of hatred, He suspends by His divine ‘Goes for nothing’. Just as rough,
just as inconsistent, just as childish as man is the God whom man has
set before us. And now, countess,” he added, getting up, “forgive me for
having inflicted such a tedious discussion on you, and allow me to take
leave.”
Stormy feelings were thrilling through me. All that he had just said had
rendered the beloved man yet dearer to me. And must I now part from him,
perhaps never to see him again? To exchange thus a cold farewell with
him before other people and let all end so? It was not possible. I
should have been obliged, if the door had closed on him, to burst out in
sobs. That must not be: I rose up.
“One moment, Baron Tilling,” I said; “I must at any rate show you that
photograph I spoke to you about a little while ago.”
He looked at me in amazement, for no talk about a photograph had ever
passed between us. However he followed me to the other corner of the
drawing-room, where some albums were lying on a table, and where we were
out of hearing of the others.
I opened an album, and Tilling stooped over it. Meanwhile I spoke to him
in a low voice and all in a tremble.
“I cannot let you go in this way. I will, I must speak to you.”
“As you will, countess; I am listening.”
“No, not now; you must come again--to-morrow, at this hour.”
He seemed to hesitate.
“I command it. By the memory of your mother, for whom I wept with you!”
“Oh, Martha!”
My name so pronounced thrilled through me like a flash of joy.
“To-morrow then,” I repeated, and looked into his eyes, “at the same
hour.”
We had settled it. I returned back to the others, and Tilling, after he
had put my hand to his lips again and saluted the others with a bow,
went out of the door.
“A singular person,” remarked my father, shaking his head. “What he has
been saying just now would find little favour in the higher circles.”
When the appointed hour struck next day I gave orders, as on the
occasion of his first visit, to admit no one else except Tilling.
I looked forward to the coming visit with a mixture of
feelings--passionate anxiety, sweet impatience, and some degree of
embarrassment. I did not quite know the precise things I should say to
him; on that subject I would not reflect at all. If Tilling asked me
some such question as “Now then, countess, what have you to communicate
to me--what do you wish with me?” I could not surely answer him with the
truth: “I have to communicate to you that I love you; my wish is that
you should stay here”. But he would not surely cross-examine me in so
bald a way, and we should readily understand each other without such
categoric questions and answers. The main point was to see him once
more; and not to part, if parting must come, without having spoken one
heartfelt word and exchanged one fervent farewell. But even in
_thinking_ the word “farewell” my eyes filled with tears.
At this moment the appointed visitor came.
“I obey your command, countess, and--but what is the matter with you?”
said he, interrupting himself. “You have been weeping? You are weeping
still?”
“I? No, it was the smoke, the chimney in the next room. Sit down,
Tilling. I am glad you have come.”
“And I happy that you ordered me to come, do you recollect, in the name
of my mother. On that I determined to tell you all that is in my heart.
I----”
“Well, why do you stop?”
“To speak is even harder to me than I thought.”
“You showed so much confidence in me on that night of pain when you were
watching by the deathbed. How comes it that you have now lost all
confidence again?”
“In those solemn hours I had gone out of myself: since then my usual
shyness has again seized me. I perceive that on that occasion I had
overstepped my right, and I have avoided your neighbourhood that I might
not overstep it again.”
“Yes, indeed, you seem to avoid me--why?”
“Why? Because--because I adore you!”
I answered nothing, and to hide my emotion I turned my head away.
Tilling also was struck dumb. At last I collected myself and broke the
silence.
“And why did you wish to leave Vienna?” I asked.
“For the same reason.”
“Could not you recall the determination?”
“Yes, I certainly could; the exchange is not yet settled.”
“Then remain.”
He seized my hand.
“Martha!”
It was the second time he had called me by my name. These two syllables
had an intoxicating sound for me. I was compelled to answer what would
sound as sweet to him--another two syllables, in which lay all that was
bursting my heart--so, lifting my eyes to his, I said softly:--
“Frederick”.
At this instant the door opened and my father came in.
“Ah! you are there. The footman said you were not at home, but I replied
I would wait for you. Good-day, Tilling! I am much surprised to find you
here after your adieu of yesterday.”
“My departure is put off again, your excellence, and so I came----”
“To pay my daughter an arrival-call--all right. And now to tell you what
brought me here, Martha. There is a family event----”
Tilling got up.
“Then I am perhaps in the way.”
“Oh, my communication is not so very pressing.”
I wished papa and his family event at the Antipodes. No interruption
could have come more inopportunely. Tilling could do nothing now but go.
But after what had passed between us going did not mean parting. Our
thoughts, our hearts remained united.
“When shall I see you again?” he asked in a low voice as he kissed my
hand on leaving.
“To-morrow, at nine o’clock, in the Prater, on horseback,” I answered
rapidly in the same tone.
My father took a rather cold leave of him as he went out, and when the
door was shut behind him--
“What is the meaning of this?” he asked, with a stern countenance. “You
tell them to deny you--and I find you _tête-à-tête_ with this
gentleman?” I turned red, half in anger, half in embarrassment.
“What is the family event which you----”
“_This_ is it--I wanted to get your lover out of the way, so that I
might tell you what I think of it. And I regard it as a very important
event for our family that you, Countess Dotzky, _née_ Althaus, should
trifle with your reputation in this way.”
“My dear father, the most secure guard of my reputation and my honour
has been given me in the person of little Rudolf Dotzky--and, as to what
concerns the authority of the Count Althaus, allow me to remind you with
all possible respect that, in my capacity as an independent widow, I
have outgrown it. I have no intention at all of taking a lover, if that
is what your conjecture points at, as it seems to be--but, if I choose
to decide on marrying again, I reserve myself the right of choosing
quite freely according to my own heart.”
“Marry Tilling? What are you thinking about? That would be a real
calamity in the family. I should almost like better--but, no--I won’t
say that; but, seriously, you have no such notion, I hope.”
“What is there to say against it? It is only a little while since you
came offering me a brevet-captain, a captain, and a major--Tilling has
already risen to the rank of lieutenant-colonel----”
“That is the worst thing about him. If he were a civilian, he might be
pardoned for such views as he expressed yesterday--but in a soldier they
come near the bounds of treason.... No doubt, he would like to get his
discharge, so as not to be exposed to the danger of having to make
another campaign, the fatigues and sufferings of which he evidently
dreads. And, as he has no fortune, it is a very good idea of his to want
to make a rich marriage. But I hope to God that he will not find a woman
to carry this idea out who is the daughter of an old soldier, that has
fought in four wars, and would be ready to-day to turn out with all
possible pleasure, and the widow of a brave young warrior, who found a
glorious death on the field of honour.”
My father, who had been pacing up and down the room with great strides
as he spoke thus, had become as red as fire, and his voice trembled with
excitement. I also was moved to my heart’s core. The set of the phrases,
the contemptuous words in which the attack on the man of my heart was
clothed annoyed me. But I did not care to make any rejoinder. I quite
felt that my defence could not remove the unfounded injustice here done
to Tilling. That my father considered the views expressed yesterday as
so completely false depended merely on a total failure to understand
them. My father was utterly blind to the point of view which Tilling had
reached. I could not make him see. I could not teach him to apply a
different ethical standard than the military (which indeed was, in
General Althaus’s eyes, the highest standard) to the thoughts which
Tilling cherished as a man and as a philosopher. But while I remained so
completely dumb in presence of the outbreak that I had had to listen to,
that my father might well believe he had made me ashamed of myself, and
stifled my project in the bud, I felt myself drawn with redoubled
longing towards the man so misunderstood, and strengthened in my resolve
to be his. By good luck, I was really free. My father’s disapproval
might, to be sure, trouble me; but, as to restraining me from following
my heart’s impulse, that it could not do. And, besides, there was no
room in my soul for any great trouble. The wonderful, the mighty
happiness which had opened before me in the last quarter of an hour was
too lively to allow any vexation to mingle with it.
* * * * *
Next morning I woke with a feeling like the one I always had as a child
on Christmas Eve, and once on the morning of my marriage with Arno--the
same inexpressible expectation, the same excited anxiousness, that to
day something joyful, something great was at hand. The remembrance of
the words which my father spoke the day before did, to be sure, cause a
little trouble, but I quickly chased this thought away again.
It had not struck nine when I left my carriage at the entry to the
Prater Promenade and mounted my horse which had been sent forward with
the groom. The weather was spring-like and mild--sunless, indeed, but
only the milder for that; and, besides, I carried the sunshine in my
heart. It had rained in the night; the leaves were adorned in their
freshest green, and a smell of moist earth rose up out of the soil.
I had hardly ridden a hundred paces down the promenade when I was aware
of the tread behind me of a horse coming on at a round trot.
“Ah, how are you, Martha? I am pleased to meet you here.”
It was Conrad--the inevitable. I was not at all pleased at this meeting.
However, the Prater was certainly not my private park, and on such a
beautiful spring morning the ride is always full. How could I have been
so foolish as to reckon on an undisturbed rendezvous here? Althaus had
made his horse follow the pace of mine, and settled himself evidently to
be my faithful attendant in my ride. At this time I perceived Frederick
v. Tilling at a distance, who was galloping down the ride in our
direction.
“Cousin! you are my good ally, are you not? You know that I take all
possible trouble to dispose Lilly in your favour?”
“Yes, my noblest of cousins.”
“Only yesterday evening I was again vaunting your good qualities, for
you are really a grand young fellow--pleasant, discreet----”
“Whatever do you want with me?”
“Just to give your horse the spur and ride off.”
Tilling was by this time quite near. Conrad looked first at him, then at
me, and, without speaking a word, nodded at me with a smile, and went
off as if he was flying for his life.
“This Althaus again” were Tilling’s first words after he had turned
round, so as to ride on by my side. In his tone and his manner jealousy
was plainly expressed.
I was pleased at it.
“Is he so out of patience at seeing me? or has his horse run away?”
“I sent him away, because----”
“Countess Martha, odd that I should meet you with this Althaus, of all
people! Do you know that the world says he is in love with his cousin?”
“It is true.”
“And is trying to win her favour?”
“That is true also.”
“And not without hope?”
“Not quite without hope.”
Tilling was silent. I looked into his face with a happy smile.
“Your look contradicts your last words,” he said, after a pause. “For
your look seems to me to say ‘Althaus loves me without hope’.”
“He is not in love with me at all. The object of his suit is my sister
Lilly.”
“You take a weight off my heart. This man was one of the reasons for my
wishing to leave Vienna. I could not have borne to be obliged to look
on.”
“And what other reasons had you besides?” I interposed.
“The fear that my passion was increasing; that I should not be able to
conceal it longer; that it would make me ridiculous and miserable at the
same time.”
“Are you miserable to-day?”
“Oh, Martha! Since yesterday I have been living in such a tumult of
feeling that I am almost beside myself. But not without the fear, as
when one has too sweet a dream, that I may suddenly awake to a painful
reality. I have no right to expect any return for my love. What can I
offer you? To-day your favour smiles on me, and lifts me into the
seventh Heaven. To-morrow, or a little later, you will withdraw from me
again this undeserved favour, and plunge me into an abyss of despair. I
know myself no longer. How hyperbolically I am speaking--I who was
formerly such a calm, circumspect man, an enemy of all extravagance. But
in your presence nothing seems to me extravagant. In your power it lies
to make me happy or wretched.”
“Let me speak of my doubts too. The princess ----”
“Oh, has that chatter come to your ears too? There is nothing in it,
nothing at all.”
“Of course you deny; that is your duty.”
“The lady in question, whose heart is now imprisoned, as is well known,
in the Burg theatre, and how long will that last?--for it is a heart
which gives itself away pretty often--this lady is one about whom the
most circumspect gentleman need hardly observe the silence of death. So
you are doubly bound to believe me. And, besides, should I have wished
to leave Vienna if that rumour had had any foundation?”
“Jealousy does not draw reasonable inferences. Should I have ordered you
to remain here if I had been near making up a match with my cousin
Althaus?”
“It is hard for me, Martha, to be riding so quietly by your side. I
should like to fall at your feet, to kiss at least your beloved hand.”
“Dear Frederick,” said I tenderly, “such outward acts are not needed.
One can embrace with words too, and caress all the same as----”
“If we kissed,” he said, concluding the sentence.
At this last word, which thrilled through us both like an electric
shock, we looked for some time into each other’s eyes, and found that
one can kiss even with looks.
He spoke first. “Since when?” I understood the unfinished question well
enough.
“Since that dinner at my father’s,” I replied. “And you?”
“You? That _you_[6] does not suit, Martha. If I am to answer the
question it must be put in a different form.”
“Well? and _thou_?”
“I? Just since the same evening. But it was not so clear and decided to
me till at the deathbed of my poor mother. With what longing did my
thoughts turn to you!”
“Yes, that I understood. But you, on the contrary, did not understand
what the red rose meant which was wound in among the white flowers of
death, or else, when you came here, you would not have so avoided me. I
do not yet comprehend the reason of this holding off, and why you wanted
to go away!”
“Because my thoughts never rose to the hope that I could win you. It was
not till you ordered me, by the memory of my mother--ordered me to come
to you, and to remain near you--that I understood that you were
favourably disposed to me, that I might dedicate my life to you.”
“So if I had not myself ‘thrown myself at your head,’ as the French say,
you would not have troubled yourself about me?”
“You have a great many admirers. I could not mix myself up among these
swarms.”
“Oh, they do not count for anything. Most of them have no other object
except as to the rich widow.”
“Don’t you see? That word describes the bar which kept me from paying my
court--a rich widow, and I quite without fortune. Better perish of
unrequited love than be despised by the world, and especially by the
woman I adore, for the very thing which you have just imputed to the
crowd of your suitors----”
“O you proud, noble, dear fellow! I should never have been capable of
attributing one low thought to you.”
“Whence this confidence? You really know me so little as yet.”
And now we began questioning each other further. On the question “Since
when” had we loved each other, followed now the discussion “Why?” What
had first attracted me was the way in which he had spoken of war. What I
had thought and felt in silence--believing that no soldier could think
any such thing, much less utter it--he had thought more clearly than I,
felt it more strongly, and uttered it with perfect freedom. Then I saw
how his heart towered above the interests of his profession and his
intellect above the views of the period. It was that which, so to speak,
laid the foundation of my devoted love for him; and besides that there
were innumerable other “becauses” in reply to the “why”. Because he had
so handsome and distinguished a presence; because in his voice there
thrilled a soft yet firm tone of its own; because he had been such a
loving son; because....
“And you--why do you love me?” I asked, interrupting myself in thus
rendering my account.
“For a thousand reasons and one.”
“Let us hear. First the thousand.”
“The great heart; the little foot; the lovely eyes; the brilliant mind;
the soft smile; the lively wit; the white hand; the womanly dignity; the
wonderful----”
“Stop! stop! Are you going through the whole thousand? Better tell me
the one reason.”
“That is no doubt simpler, since the one in its power and
irresistibleness embraces all the others. I love you, Martha, because I
love you. That is why.”
* * * * *
From the Prater I drove direct to my father’s. The communication which I
had to make to him would, I foresaw, give rise to unpleasant
discussions. Still I wanted to get over these inevitable
unpleasantnesses as quickly as possible--and I preferred to face them
at once under the first impression of the happiness I had just won. My
father, who was a late riser, was still sitting over his breakfast, with
the morning papers, when I ran into his study. Aunt Mary was present
also, and likewise busy over the paper.
On my rather hasty entrance my father looked up in surprise from the
_Presse_, and Aunt Mary laid down the _Fremdenblatt_.
“Martha! so early, and in riding dress! What does that mean?”
I embraced them both, and then said, as I threw myself into an
arm-chair:--
“It means that I am come from a ride in the Prater, where something has
taken place which I wanted to tell you about without delay. So I did not
even take the time to drive home and change my dress.”
“And what is this thing so important and so pressing?” asked my father,
lighting a cigar. “Tell us, we are all anxiety.”
Should I beat about the bush? Should I make introductions and
preparations? No, better leap in head over heels, as people leap from a
spring-board into the water.
“I have engaged myself----”
Aunt Mary flung her hands over her head and my father wrinkled his brow.
“I hope, however, not----” he began, but I did not let him finish.
“Engaged myself to a man, whom I love from my heart, and reverence, and
of whom I believe that he will make me completely happy--Baron Fried. v.
Tilling.”
My father jumped up!
“What do you say? After all I said to you yesterday.”
Aunt Mary shook her head.
“I would sooner have heard a different name,” she said. “In the first
place, Baron Tilling is not a match for you, he cannot have anything;
and, in the second, his principles and his views seem to me----”
“His principles and views coincide entirely with mine; and as to looking
for ‘a match,’ as it is called, I am not disposed to do so. Father,
dearest father of mine, do not look so cruelly at me, do not spoil the
great happiness which I feel at this moment! my good, dear, beloved
papa!”
“Well, but, my child,” he replied, in a somewhat softened tone, for a
little coaxing used always to disarm him, “it is nothing but your
happiness which I have in view. I could not feel happy with any soldier
who is not a soldier from his heart and soul.”
“But really you have not to marry Tilling,” remarked Aunt Mary, in a
very judicious way. “The soldiership is the least matter in question,”
she added; “but I could not be happy with a man who speaks in a tone of
such little reverence of the God of the Bible, as the other day----”
“Allow me, dearest Aunt Mary, to call your attention to the fact that
you also have not to marry Tilling.”
“Well, what a man chooses is a heaven to him,” said my father with a
sigh, sitting down again. “Tilling will quit the service, I suppose?”
“We have not mentioned the subject as yet. I own I should prefer it, but
I fear he will not do so.”
“To think,” sighed Aunt Mary, “that you should have refused a prince;
and now, instead of raising yourself, you will come down in the social
scale.”
“How unkind you are, both of you, and yet you say you love me. Here I
come to you, the first time since poor Arno’s death, with the news that
I feel perfectly happy, and instead of being glad of it, you try to
embitter it with all kinds of matters--militarism, Jehovah, the social
scale!”
Still, after half-an-hour or so, I had succeeded somehow or other in
talking the old folks round. After the conversation he had held with me
the day before, I had expected my father’s opposition to be much more
violent. Possibly if I had only spoken of projects and inclinations he
would have still striven hard to quench such projects and inclinations;
but in presence of the _fait accompli_ he saw that resistance could not
be of any further use. Or, possibly, it was the effect of the
overflowing feeling of bliss which must have been sparkling in my eyes
and quivering in my voice which chased away his annoyance and in which
he was obliged against his will to take a sympathising part--in fine,
when I stood up to go he pressed my cheek with a hearty kiss, and made
me a promise that he would come to my house the same evening, and there
salute his future son-in-law in that capacity.
How the rest of the day and the evening passed I am sorry to find not
described in the red book. The details have escaped my recollection
after so long a time. I only know they were delightful hours.
At tea I had the whole family circle assembled round me, and I presented
my Fried. v. Tilling to them as my future husband.
Rosa and Lilly were delighted. Conrad Althaus cried “Bravo, Martha! And
now, Lilly, you take a lesson!” My father had either overcome his old
antipathy, or he managed to conceal it for my sake; and Aunt Mary was
softened and touched.
“Marriages are made in Heaven,” she said, “and every one’s lot is
according to His will. You will be happy if you have God’s blessing, and
I will pray continually that you may have it.”
The “new papa” was presented to son Rudolf too, and it was to me a
moment of peculiar delight and joyful anticipation when the dear man
took up my dear child in his arms, kissed him warmly, and said: “Of you,
little fellow, we two will make a perfect man”.
In the course of the evening my father put his idea about quitting the
service into words.
“You will give up your profession, Tilling, I suppose? As you are
already not in love with war.”
Tilling threw his head back with a gesture of surprise.
“Give up my profession! Why, I have no other! And a man need not be in
love with war to perform his military duty, any more than----”
“Yes, yes,” my father interposed, “that is what you said the other
day--any more than a fireman need be an admirer of conflagrations.”
“I could bring forward more instances. No more than a physician need
love cancer or typhus, or a judge be an especial admirer of burglaries.
But to give up my way of life? What motive is there for that?”
“The motive,” said Aunt Mary, “would be to spare your wife the life of a
garrison town, and to spare her anxiety in case of a war breaking
out--though such anxiety is, to be sure, nonsense, for if it is decreed
to any one to live to be old, he lives so, in spite of all dangers.”
“The reasons you have named would no doubt be weighty. To keep the lady
who is to be my wife from all the unpleasantnesses of life, as far as
possible, will certainly be my most earnest endeavour; but the
unpleasantness of having a husband who would be without any profession
or business would, I am sure, be even greater than those of garrison
life. And the danger that my retirement might be charged against me by
any one as laziness or cowardice would be even more terrible than those
of a campaign. The idea really never occurred to me for a moment; and I
hope not to you either, Martha?”
“But suppose I made a condition of it?”
“You would not do so. For otherwise I should have to renounce the height
of bliss. You are rich. I have nothing except my military standing, and
the outlook to a higher rank in the future; and that is a possession I
will not give up. It would be against all dignity, against my ideas of
honour.”
“Bravo, my son! Now I am reconciled. It would be a sin and an outrage
against your profession. You have not much farther to go to be colonel,
and will certainly rise to general’s rank--may at last become commandant
of a fortress, governor, or minister of war. That gives your wife also a
desirable position.”
I remained quite silent. The prospect of being a commandant’s lady had
no charms for me. It would have better suited me to have spent my life
with the man of my choice in retirement in the country; but, still, the
resolution he had just expressed was dear to me, for it protected him
from any stain of the suspicion which my father nourished against him,
and which would certainly have clung to him in the eyes of the world.
“Yes, quite reconciled,” my father went on, “and rightly too: for I
believed it was chiefly for that purpose---- Now, now, you need not look
in such a rage--I mean _partly_, for the purpose of withdrawing into
private life; and that would have been very unfair of you. Unfair too
towards my Martha--for she is the child of a soldier, the widow of a
soldier; and I don’t believe that she could love a man in civilian’s
costume for a continuance.”
Tilling was now obliged to smile. He threw me a look which said plainly
“I know you better,” and answered aloud: “I think so too; she really
only fell in love with my uniform”.