FEAR CONFESSIONS
A few “Confessions” made by psychopathic sufferers will help us
best to understand the character, the mechanism, the factors, and
principles of neurosis:
I
“As you are desirous of knowing more about my life and environment,
I state concerning them as follows:
“You will remember that I told you that my step-father was a liquor
dealer. Throughout all the time that he was in business we either
lived over the bar-room or else right in the place where the liquor
was sold. My step-father was a very heavy drinker, a man of violent
nature, and decidedly pugnacious. As a child I have been scared to
death by drunken brawls, and many nights have been dragged out of
bed by my mother who would flee with me to the house of a neighbor
for safety.
“I might say that until I was seventeen years old, I lived in
continual terror of something going to happen. If he was arrested
by the police, as often happened, our home would be a scene of
turmoil until the case was settled.
“I remember one incident very plainly, when he came home one night
completely covered with blood as the result of being held up by
thugs, and another time when he left the house to subdue some
quarreling drunks with a pistol and returned after an exchange of
shots with his hand shot through.
“As a child, I was inclined to study, and associated very little
with other children. My mother tells me that I talked early,
but when about three years old I began to stammer. This trouble
bothered me a great deal, and I used to worry about it all the
time, especially in school when I would try to recite. I might add
that even now, when excited, I am troubled in the same way.
“My step-father has been subject to nightmares nearly all his life;
when asleep he would cry and moan and would be unable to move
until some one would shake him out of it. He was terribly afraid
of them, and I remember he used to say that he expected to die in
one of them. I used to be left alone with him quite frequently, and
I stood in constant fear of his dying; and if he fell asleep, as
he frequently did in the day time, I would wake him or watch his
respiration to see if he was alive.
“At other times I have been awakened in the night by his cries
and would assist my mother in bringing him to consciousness. It
was during one of these times that I became aware of my heart
palpitating, and whenever he had such a spell, I would be in a
state of fear and excitement for some time after. He would have
these nightmares nearly every night and some times four or five
times in one night, and I might add that he has them even now.
“I began to have attacks of dizziness in the streets, and finally
one day, I had one, and all symptoms and fears of the attack came
on in school, and from that time on I have watched my respiration
and suffered from dizziness, mental depression, and sadness.
“You have asked me to tell you more in detail about the attacks or
nightmares to which my step-father was subject, and which always
frightened me greatly, especially when a child.
“My step-father had the habit of falling asleep quite often, even
in the day time, and I have never known him to go to sleep without
having an attack in some form. If one watched him asleep, as I
often did, one could tell by his respiration when an attack was
coming. His breathing would become slower and hardly perceptible,
and finally he would begin to moan, and cry out; then, when shaken
vigorously and spoken to, he would awaken in great fear and
apparent suffering. If he had an attack, and we did not respond
soon enough, he would be very angry and say that we cared not if he
should die. We were so afraid of these attacks that we had trained
ourselves to be ever on the look-out for his cries, even at night.
“It really seemed as if his life rested in our hands. I might say
that sometimes these attacks lasted several minutes, before he
could be awakened. He used to say that at such times he always
dreamed someone was choking, beating, or otherwise torturing him.
He had been told by some physician that he would ultimately die in
such an attack.
“These attacks were sufficient to precipitate a small panic in the
house. I know not a single hour of the day or night, but that I
have either been called or awakened by my mother in her efforts
to awaken him. With the attack over, I would be trembling all
over, and my heart would be beating madly. I can remember these
attacks from my earliest childhood, and it seems to me that on one
occasion, at your office, I was startled just as these attacks used
to make me.”
While in the hypnoidal state, patient exclaimed: “I am afraid. All
my life I lived under terror.... This is just my disease,--fear.”
II
“I lived from infancy in a state of apprehension and fear. In my
home there seemed to be always a tension. I don’t know that I
ever relaxed there during my waking hours. I was never at peace
mentally. This was largely brought about by my mother’s chronic
condition of fear. I should not have had such a large development
of the fear habit had there been any neutralizing influence. But
my father was a weak character, living under fear, being afraid of
responsibility, so that my character was closely molded on his. He
gave me no moral fiber to resist fears of mother, and so did not
help me to build any character of my own. I still carry with me the
state of apprehension and fear that I contracted in my early life.
I had only one serious illness in my life outside of my nervous
troubles. Had an attack of bowel trouble somewhere near the age of
six. I was once struck in the face by a dog’s teeth. I have had
various cancer experiences.
“My father, when I was very young, had some irritation of the
throat. A physician told him he was in danger of cancer. I can
recall him anxiously looking at his throat. Later a neighbor went
to a ‘plaster specialist’ to have a supposed cancer of the tongue
removed. His wife was often at our home talking of his sufferings.
“While attending dental school I contracted some trouble. I went to
a physician near where I lived. He talked to me of a possibility of
syphilis. I became much frightened, and read all I could find on
syphilis. The books scared me still more. At last on the advice of
friends, I went to another physician who reassured me, and I lost
part of my fear.
“After this I returned home for a summer vacation. This was in
1904. That summer my tongue felt sore, I looked at it, and found
it peculiar. This aroused my fears of syphilis. Upon returning to
Chicago in the fall (1904) I asked my physician to recommend a
specialist. He sent me to a syphilographer, who told me I had no
syphilis, but that the condition of my tongue was caused by gall
bladder trouble. He wished me to have the gall bladder operated
which I refused to do. I thought no more about my tongue until I
studied cancer in oral surgery. I would then occasionally worry
over my condition. About this time an actor whom I knew died of
cancer of the tongue. I worried over my tongue, being afraid of
cancer, for several days after this. I then went along for seven or
eight years without much thought of my tongue.
“One day in February 1913, after some pain in my side which brought
the thoughts of gall bladder and then of the tongue, I asked
advice of a physician. He looked at my tongue and said: ‘I don’t
wish to frighten you, but you should have that tongue attended to.
You might some day have a cancer there.’ He sent me to a throat
specialist who said the condition of my tongue was due to a back
tooth. I had the tooth removed. I afterwards consulted Dr. L.,
a surgeon at Eau Claire, Wis., with the idea of having the gall
bladder operated upon. He laughed at the gall bladder trouble, but
sent me to Battle Creek Sanitarium with the idea, I think, that
the change would relieve me of my fears. At Battle Creek I was told
I had a mild case of colitis, and was put under treatment for it.
“While at Battle Creek my fears grew less. I remained at Battle
Creek about two months. Shortly before leaving there I was given a
Wasserman test. This they told me was faintly positive. I was then
given three injections of Neo-Salvarsan. I then left Battle Creek
and stopped at Chicago to see Dr. P. Dr. P. said any Wasserman
would be positive, taken with no more care than mine had been. That
there was no reason to think there was any syphilis anyway. He then
sent me to Dr. W., an internist, who said I had hyperacidity of the
stomach.
“I did not feel very badly at this time, although my fears of
cancer persisted. I was carrying on the work in my office. Later in
the summer I went to the Mayo Clinic at Rochester, Minn., where I
was given a local application for my tongue. In the fall of 1913,
while in Milwaukee I consulted an oral surgeon, Dr. B. He said
‘I will send you to Dr. F., a dermatologist who knows more about
diseases of the tongue than any man I know.’ I consulted Dr. F. who
said: ‘Geographical tongue, do not worry about it.’ My fears were
instantly relieved. I seldom thought of my tongue in the next two
years.
“In the fall of 1916 I had some trouble with my stomach. This
seemed to bring my fears to mind and one day my fear of cancer
returned. There was a connection between my fears and the stomach
and gall bladder trouble diagnosed in regard to my tongue. At least
the stomach trouble would bring thoughts of the tongue condition.
“I tried to help myself out of my mental condition by reading
articles on cancer. This made me worse. I went to Chicago where
I was told by Dr. S., a dermatologist, that radium might remedy
the condition of my tongue. I had several applications of radium.
After this I still worried a great deal. I went through the spring
and summer under a nervous strain, but still able to carry on my
work. That fall (1917) I had such intense fear that I was attacked
by acute insomnia. I was unable to sleep without Veronal. The day
after my insomnia began I found myself very weak. I was pale, and
my heart would pound on the least exertion. I had also a great
deal of pain in my bowels. I went to Chicago and consulted Dr. E.,
Dean of Northwestern University Medical School. He told me such
conditions usually traveled in a circle, that my nervous condition
might leave me in a few months. I went through the winter in this
condition.
“I began to have a great fear of the fact that it was necessary to
use hypnotics. This fear of drugs was strong, and overshadowed my
other fears. I read an article on hypnotics as a habit; this added
to my fear of them.
“Before using hypnotics I noticed my sexual power was less, or
rather there was no pleasure in it. This did not trouble me as I
thought it a part of my nervous condition.
“In April, 1918, I went again to Battle Creek. I did very well
there for a week, but then got into a deep depression, became weak,
and was frightened to think I was no better. I remained in Battle
Creek for three weeks, and then went home. A month later I went to
St. Paul and consulted a neurologist. He did not know what to do
for me.
“I went to Milwaukee and consulted another neurologist. I was
becoming more despondent all the time. I decided to go to a
sanitarium to see if I could not get rid of my drug habit. I went
to Wauwatosa, Wis., and remained there three weeks, but I could see
they did not know what to do for me.
“In August I entered the Rest Hospital at Minneapolis and remained
there for a while under the care of Dr. J. I managed to drag along,
terrorized by my condition and by the fact that I could get no
relief.
“The drug habit was my greatest obsession at this time. I used
bromides and chloral hydrate,--changed hypnotics frequently.
“In January, 1919, I saw Dr. P. of Chicago, who sent me to
a sanitarium where I received no help. I then hunted through
magazines for articles on nervous diseases. I read of Dr. S. and
his work and came under his care at Portsmouth in May, 1919. While
there I learned to control my fears. I left Portsmouth in August
feeling sure of myself. I would occasionally have a depression
which would not frighten me and did not remain with me long. I was
looking forward to a happy future.
“During the summer of 1921 I felt tired most of the time. However,
I was still sure of being able to handle myself. One day after
feeling very tired my fear of cancer returned. I got into a panic
and started East to see Dr. S. On arriving in Boston I found he was
in the West. I went to Dr. P.’s office; was sent to Dr. W. and by
him to a psycho-analyst. The psycho-analyst said I had a ‘mother
complex, without usual sexual features.’ Psycho-analysis proved a
failure, and I abandoned the treatment with disgust, as useless and
silly.”
The patient was under my care for five months. He is now back to
his dental work. He writes to me that he is gaining rapidly in
weight, and is in excellent condition.
III
“I am a married woman of fifty-two. All my life I have been
imprisoned in the dungeon keep of fear. Fear paralyzes me in every
effort. If I could once overcome my enemy, I would rejoice forever
more.
“In childhood everything cowered me. I was bred in fear. At five
or six my mother died, and I feared and distrusted a God who would
so intimidate me and bereave me. I heard tales of burglars being
discovered hiding under beds, and a terrified child retired nightly
for years. I was in agony of fears. My fears I never told. Later
I heard of the doctrines of God’s foreknowledge, and, as a little
rebel, I would place dishes on the pantry shelves, changing from
place to place, and then giving up in despair, knowing that if
foreknowledge were true, God knew that I would go through with all
that performance.
“Through childhood I feared suicide. It was a world of escape that
appealed to me and yet appalled me. I also heard of somnambulism,
and I never saw a keen bladed knife, but I dreaded that in my
sleep I might do damage to myself or to my friends in a state of
unconsciousness.
“In my twenties I did attempt suicide a number of times, but
somehow they proved unsuccessful. I always aimed to have it appear
an accident. I dreaded to have my death appear as a stain and
disgrace to my family which I loved.
“I always fear to walk at any height, on a trestle over running
walls, or even to walk on a bridge without side railings.
“As a child I was afraid of the dark, I was afraid of going out
on the street in a dark night. In fact, even a moonlight night
terrified me when I remained alone. I was afraid to go into dark
places, such as cellars, or into lonely places even in the daytime.
“As a child I was always shy, fearful, timid, and self-conscious to
a painful degree. Even as a grown-up woman I am often a sufferer
from the same cause, although I have sufficient self-control to
conceal it.
“I have to be careful of my state of health, as the latter is
very delicate. I am a chronic sufferer from indigestion and
constipation, although I somehow manage to regulate these troubles.
“When I need my nerves in good control so frequently, they are in
a state of utter collapse. My brain is in a state of confusion, in
a state of whirl just when I need to think the clearest. My poor
brain feels as if a tight band encircled and contracted it. It
seems to me as if the brain has shrunken from the temples.
“My memory is unreliable. Often I read quite carefully, but I am
unable to recall what I have read. Especially is this so, if called
upon without previous warning. My brain goes into a panic of an
extremely alarming kind.
“I was told that I was a woman of a good brain and of great talent,
that all I needed was to exercise my will and determination, and
that I would succeed. I lack concentration and I lack confidence.
“In my childhood hell fire was preached. Fore-ordination and an
arbitrary God were held up to my childish comprehension. I was bred
in fear, and self destruction resulted.”
IV
The following valuable account given by an eminent physician brings
out well the factors and principles of neurosis expounded in this
volume:
“You ask me to write about my fears. I give you a brief account.
“As a child, as far as memory carries, I had a fear of ghosts, of
giants, of monsters, and of all kinds of mysterious and diabolical
agencies and witchcraft of which I had heard a number of tales and
stories in my early childhood. I was afraid of thieves, of robbers,
and of all forms of evil agencies. The fears were stronger at
daytime, but more so at night. Strange noises, unexpected voices
and sounds made a cold shiver run down my back.
“I was afraid to remain alone in a closed room, or in the dark, or
in a strange place. It seemed to me as if I was left and abandoned
by everybody, and that something awful was going to happen to me.
When I happened to be left alone under such conditions I was often
in a state of helplessness, paralyzing terror. Such states of
fear sweep occasionally over me even at present. I find, however,
that they are far more complicated with associations of a more
developed personal life. I know that in some form or other the
fears are present, but are inhibited by counteracting impulses and
associations. I still feel a cold shiver running down my back, when
I happen to go into a dark cellar in the dead of night, or happen
to remain alone in a dark, empty house. Such fears date back to my
fourth year, and possibly to an earlier time of my childhood.
“As a matter of contrast-inhibitions of such fears I may either
brace myself and put myself in a state of courage and exaltation,
or when this does not succeed, I let my mind dwell on other fears
and troubles. I find that the last method is often far more
effective in the inhibition of fear states which at the moment are
present with me. All I need is to press the button, so to say, and
awaken some other fears, the present fears diminish in intensity,
and fade away for the time being. I actually favor, and welcome,
and even look for disagreeable and painful experiences so as to
overcome some of my present fears. The new fears are then treated
in the same way.
“As I became older, about the age of eight, I began to fear disease
and death. This may be due to the infectious diseases that attacked
many members of our family, about this time. In fact, I have been
present at the death bed of some of them, and the impression was
one of terror, mysterious horror. I was afraid I might get diseases
from which I might die. After my witnessing the last agonizing
moment of death, my elders thought of removing me to a safer place;
their fears and precautions still more impressed the fear of danger
of disease and death. I may say that I really never freed myself
from the fear of disease and death. The latter fear is always
present with me in a vague form, always ready to crop up at any
favorable opportunity. This fear, in so far as it is extending its
tentacles in various directions, is often the bane of my life. Even
at my best there is always a kind of vague fear of possible danger,
lurking in various objects which may be infected or possibly
poisonous.
“This fear has been spreading and has become quite extensive,
involving my family, my children, my friends, my acquaintances, and
my patients. Usually I ignore these fears, or get control over them
by an effort of will. When, however, I happen to be fatigued, or
worried over small things in the course of my work, or happen to be
in low spirits by petty reversals of life, these fears may become
aroused. Under such conditions I may become afraid, for instance,
of drinking milk, because it may be tuberculous.
“This fear may spread and involve fear for my children and my
patients; or again I may be afraid of eating oysters and other
shell fish, because they may be infected with typhoid fever
germs. I may refuse to eat mushrooms, because they may be
poisonous. The other day I was actually taken sick with nausea
and with disposition to vomiting after eating of otherwise good
mushrooms. The fear seized on me that they all might be poisonous
‘toadstools.’ Such fears may extend to ever new reactions and to
ever new associations, and are possibly the worst feature of the
trouble.
“I have a fear of coming in contact with strangers, lest I get
infected by them, giving me tuberculosis, influenza, scarlet fever,
and so on. This mysophobia involves my children and my friends,
inasmuch that I am afraid that strangers may communicate some
contagious diseases. A similar fear I have in regard to animals,
that they may possibly be infected with rabies, or with glanders,
or with some other deadly, pathogenic micro-organism. I am afraid
of mosquito bites, lest they give me malaria, or yellow fever.
The fears, in the course of their extension, may become ever more
intense and more insidious than the original states.
“As a child I had some bad experiences with dogs; I was attacked
by dogs and badly bitten. Although this fear is no longer so
intense as it was in my childhood, still I know it is present. My
heart sometimes comes to a sudden standstill, when I happen to
come on a strange dog. When the strange dog growls and barks, all
my courage is lost, and I beat an inglorious retreat. It is only
in the presence of other people that I can rise to the effort of
walking along and apparently paying no attention to the dog. This
is because I fear the opinion of others more even than I fear the
growls of dogs. My social and moral fears are far greater than my
purely physical fears.
“When I became older, about the age of eighteen to twenty, a new
form of fear appeared, like a new sprout added to the main trunk,
or possibly growing out of the main fear of disease and death,
that is the fear of some vague, impending evil. The fear of some
terrible accident to myself and more so to my family, or to any of
the people of whom I happen to take care, is constantly present
in the margin of my consciousness, or as you would put it, in
my subconsciousness. Sometimes the fears leave me for a while,
sometimes they are very mild, and sometimes again they flare up
with an intensity that is truly alarming and uncontrollable. The
energy with which those fears become insistent in consciousness,
and the motor excitement to which they give rise are really
extraordinary. The fear comes like a sudden flood. The energy with
which those fears rise into consciousness is often overwhelming.
“Fear gets possession of me under circumstances in which my
suspicions are, for some reason or other, aroused to activity,
all the more so if the suspicions of possible impending evil
are awakened suddenly. In other words, the fears arise with
stimulations of associations of threatening danger to myself
and to my family. I am afraid that something may happen to my
children; I fear that they may fall sick suddenly; I fear that
some terrible accident may happen to them; I fear that they may
fall down from some place, and be maimed or be killed. I fear that
my children and other members of my family may be poisoned by
people who are not well disposed towards them. I am afraid that
they may pick up some food that was infected, or that they may
be infected in school by children who happen to suffer from some
infectious maladies. I am afraid that my children may be overrun
by some vehicles, by automobiles, or that they may be killed in an
accident, that they may be killed by a street car, or even that
the house may collapse. This latter event has actually taken place
when I was a child. In fact, many, if not all of those fears have
actually their origin in my experience.
“As I write you these lines, memories of such events come crowding
upon my mind. Are they the noxious seeds that have been planted
on the soil of fear? I am afraid sometimes that even the food I
and my children as well as other people eat may give rise to toxic
products and thus produce disease. Often in the dead of night, I
may come to see my children in order to convince myself that they
have no fever, and that they are not threatened by any terrible
disease. The very words ‘sickness,’ ‘disease,’ ‘not feeling well,’
‘death,’ arouse my feeling and sometimes throw me into a panic. I
am afraid to use such words in connection with any of my children.
I am afraid that the evil mentioned may actually happen.
“When a child I learned about testing and omens. If a test comes
through in a certain way, it is an omen of good luck, otherwise it
means bad luck. This superstitious testing and omens have remained
with me, and that in spite of my liberal training and knowledge
of the absurdity of such superstitions. I may test by opening the
Bible at any page, or I may test by anything that might occur,
according to my guesses. All of these fears I know have no meaning
for me, they are senseless and absurd, but they are so rooted in
my early childhood, they have been so often repeated, they have
accumulated round them so much emotion of fear that they come to my
mind with a force which is truly irresistible. Many of the fears
have multiplied to such an extent that I cannot touch anything
without rousing some slumbering fear.
“To continue with my fears; I am often afraid that the doors are
not well locked, and I must try them over and over again; I go away
and come back again, and try and try again, and once more. It is
tiresome, but as the fear is constantly with me, and is born again
and again, I cannot be satisfied, and must repeat the whole process
over and over until I get tired, and give up the whole affair in
sheer despair. In such cases a contrary and different fear comes
in handy. One devil banishes another. I am afraid that the gas jet
is left open, and I must try it over and over, and test the jets
with matches. This process of testing may go on endlessly. The
fear remains and the process must begin again until it is stopped
by sheer effort of will as something meaningless, automatic,
and absurd. The performance must be stopped and substituted by
something else.
“Colds, or attacks of influenza of the mildest character have
given rise to fears of pneumonia. Pain in the abdomen, or a little
intestinal distress has awakened fears of possible appendicitis, or
of tumor, or intestinal obstruction. The least suspicion of blood
in the stools awakens the fear of possible cancer. Vomiting or even
nausea brings fears of cancer of the stomach. There is no disease
from which I have not suffered.
“The same fears have naturally been extended to my children, and to
all those who are under my care. The least symptom is sufficient to
arouse in me fears of possible terror and horrible consequences.
“I am afraid that suits may be brought against me, or that some of
my own people, patients and even employees whom I discharged, may
bring legal action against me in court, or blackmail me. When I
leave home, I am afraid that something terrible has happened. The
fear of impending evil is always with me. The fears have invaded
every part of my being. It seems as if there is no resistance in
my mind to those terrible fear states.
“Perhaps it may interest you to know that, although I am quite
liberal, and even regarded as irreligious, still I am afraid to
express any word against God, Christ, saints, martyrs of any church
and denomination, be they Christian, Mohammedan, Buddhist, or
pagan. I am afraid lest they may hear me and do me harm; I fear to
say a word even against the devil or Satan. I am obsessed by fears.
Fears pursue me as long as I am awake, and do not leave me alone in
my sleep and dreams. Fears are the curse of my life, and yet I have
control of them, none but you has any suspicion of them. I go about
my work in a seemingly cheerful and happy way. The fears, however,
are the bane of my life, and torture me by their continued presence.
“I tried to find whether or not those fears had any relation to my
wishes or to my sexual experiences. I must say that I find they
bear no relation whatever to wish or sex. My mental states grow on
fear, take their origin in fear, and feed on fear. Fear is the seed
and the soil of all those infinite individual phobias that keep on
torturing me unless opposed by a supreme effort of my will.
“Truly the Biblical curse well applies to my life.
“‘The Lord will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of
thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore
sickness, and of long continuance. Moreover, he will bring upon
thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of, and
they shall cleave unto thee. And every sickness and every plague,
which is not written in the book of this law, them will the law
bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed. Thou shalt find no ease,
neither shall the sole of thy foot have rest; but the Lord shall
give thee a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of
mind. And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee, and thou shalt
fear day and night and shall have none assurance of thy life. In
the morning thou shalt say, Would God it were even! and at even
thou shalt say, Would God it were morning! for the fear of thine
heart wherewith thou shalt fear....’
“I laid bare my soul before you. I permit you to do with this
document whatever you may think fit.”
V
“I was born of healthy parents; grand-parents were also healthy.
All lived to a ripe old age, and died of natural causes. Father is
still living; I was a healthy normal child with little sickness
up to the age of 16. A few years prior I belonged to a gymnasium
and enjoyed superb physical strength and health, though I was from
childhood somewhat of a coward. I then became associated with some
youngsters who liked night life. This association influenced me to
join them in their nightly escapades.
“Between overtaxing myself in my work and trying to keep up with
the boys socially my system was drained. This was kept up for about
five years. I was working for a dry cleaning establishment the
owner of which did not appreciate my hard work. I gave ten hours a
day service, but he required even more, so that I spent as many as
fifteen and eighteen hours a day, and kept that up for about five
years.
“It was in January, 1911, at the age of twenty while sitting in
a restaurant eating my lunch, I felt a strange sensation coming
over me, such as blood rushing to my head, followed by weakness,
trembling, and fainting spells. I summoned up what will power I had
left, shook my head in effort to brace up, and tried to finish my
meal, but without success. I left the restaurant and coming outside
felt the same sensation. I leaned against a building, and my knees
gave way from under me until I was compelled to lie down. I made
an attempt to get up, boarded a street car, and started for my
father’s store which was about a mile down the street. As I stepped
on the platform I felt the same spell coming over me. Some of the
men standing on the back platform saw my condition, and helped me.
I arrived at the store where I collapsed.
“An ambulance was called, and I was taken to the city hospital.
The interne diagnosed the case as acute indigestion. He prescribed
some soda tablets, and told me to be careful with my diet. I
felt relieved at what he told me, because I thought it was not
so serious as I had expected. For I thought the end was near. My
brother who accompanied me spoke kind and encouraging words which
soothed my nerves.
“On the street car my thoughts started to go over the whole of what
had occurred. I could not control myself and gave way again. When I
got home I could not eat. I lay down and tried to get some sleep,
but sleep was out of the question. My thoughts always wandered back
to these spells, and that would bring back another spell. I took
the tablets prescribed by the physician, but they did not help me
any.
“The next day I tried to go to work, but could not on account of
these spells. I then decided to call our family physician. He told
me it was a nervous breakdown, and prescribed bromides. I kept on
having these spells in spite of the bromides. I was at a loss what
to do. From then on I became afraid to venture anywhere, to go to
any place, for fear of these spells. My real trouble began. I was
afraid to live, and afraid to die, afraid to go out, afraid to lie
down, always afraid of these spells.
“I remained at home for a couple of weeks, but the spells
continued. I then decided to try another doctor. This time a
stomach specialist, and as might be expected he claimed my stomach
was the cause of my disturbances. The news was gratifying to me. I
knew that stomach troubles could be cured, and the thought helped
to quiet some of the fears. I went back to work after a few weeks.
The belief in the efficacy of the drug enabled me to get down town
to work, but I kept on having spells, losing weight, and feeling
miserable.
“I decided to try another physician. This time a nerve specialist.
After examination he diagnosed the case as nervous prostration. He
gave me what he called a good nerve tonic. In addition to it he
used to stripe my back with red hot instruments. I was under this
doctor’s care for about a year. I kept on going to work whenever I
could, but the spells continued right along, at home in the night,
or at work in the daytime. After a year of treatment I felt no
better.
“I decided to try another nerve specialist,--his diagnosis was
depletion of the nerves. He advised me to come in a couple of times
a week for electric treatment. I followed instructions for a couple
of months, but the spells continued just the same.
“One April day there was an electric storm. The lightning caused in
me a great dread and fear. The wind broke some of the windows in
our house. I had then the worst spell. I lost consciousness. When
I awoke I was worse than ever. I was just choked up with tear of
everything and everybody.
“I found I could no longer live in C., for the last bit of life was
ebbing right out of me. I started on the train for Los Angeles. No
one can realize the suffering I had to endure on my trip out West.
“Everybody on the train talked about accidents, wrecks, and
robberies. After arriving in Los Angeles I felt somewhat relieved,
but the spells kept on just the same. I consulted a great nerve
specialist in Los Angeles. He claimed I had neurasthenia, and that
I was much run down. His method of therapy was different from the
rest. He suggested renting a cottage along the ocean front, and he
would furnish a trainer whose wife was to take care of the cottage.
The trainer was supposed to have some knowledge of physical culture
and massage. After being in this camp for three months I saw no
improvement in my condition.
“I went to another doctor who employed a different method. He would
inject pig serum into my arm three times a week. After a thorough
trial I found no relief.
“I then decided to try Christian Science for a while, but I had
no relief from all my woe and misery. (When asked why he went to
Christian Science while he was of Jewish faith, he replied that
he was in such a state of fear that had he been ordered to be a
cockroach he would have tried to become one).
“I tried another nerve doctor. After a while it was the same old
story. I then tried chiropractice. After three months’ trial
I found out that I had to give it up, because the manipulator
aggravated my condition. Towards the end I felt such pains in my
back and spine that I was compelled to lie in bed for a week before
I could recover enough strength to sit up. I then tried Osteopathy.
I felt no better, so I had to abandon that.
“In search for health I could not stop here, so I went to another
nerve specialist who after examination claimed to have discovered
something different from any other physician. He discovered I had
a pair of tonsils in my mouth which did not look well to him. He
ordered them removed; that meant an operation under an anesthetic.
Can you imagine my feeling when he told me the news? I had a
terrible time in making up my mind what to do. Bad as I felt I
made up my mind that I might as well die under ether as in any
other way. I consented to the operation. It is needless to go into
details here of what took place after the operation. Words cannot
express it. All the tortures of hell would have been paradise
towards what I went through after this operation.
“I have been going since from physician to physician, each one
claiming that I haven’t been to the right one, and that he was the
proper physician who understood my case and could cure me. No one
has been able to effect a cure.”
As an example of the patient’s state of extreme fear the following
instance may be given. One day he came to me, a picture of
misery and depression. He told me he had suffered agonies for
the last couple of days, on account of an “ingrowing hair.” It
turned out that the patient overheard a conversation among his
gossips, that some one died of an “ingrowing hair.” This news
strongly impressed him, and aroused his fear instinct, since he
discovered an “ingrowing hair” on his throat. I found his throat
was wrapped around with cotton, and covered with adhesive plaster.
On unwrapping the mess I found just an ordinary little pimple. I
threw away the wrappings, and gave the patient a scolding, and
ridiculed him for his silliness. He felt as he said in “paradise.”
A competent observer will find this trait of trivial fears,
characteristic, in various degrees, of every psychopathic patient.
By a series of trance states the patient was freed from his
psycholeptic fear attacks; he is now in good health, and attending
successfully to his business.