OLD STYLE.--_Nervous Witness about to leave the box, when his progress
is arrested by Counsel on the other side._
_Counsel (sharply)._ Now, sir, do know the value of an oath?
_Witness (taken aback)._ Why, yes--of course.
_Coun. (pointing at him)._ Come, no prevarication! Do you understand
the value, or do you not?
_Wit. (confused)._ If you will allow me to explain----
_Coun._ Come, sir, you surely can answer yes or no--now which is it?
_Wit._ But you will not let me explain----
_Coun._ Don’t be impertinent, sir! Explanation is unneeded. Mind, you
have been sworn, so if you _don’t_ know the value of an oath, it will
be the worse for you.
_Wit._ But you won’t let me speak.
_Coun._ Won’t let you speak! Why, I can’t get a word out of you. Now,
sir, in plain English--are you a liar or not?
_Wit. (appealing to Judge)._ Surely, my lord, he has no right to speak
to me like this?
_Judge._ Be good enough to answer the counsel’s questions. I have
nothing to do with it.
_Coun._ Now sir--once more; are you a liar, or are you not?
_Wit._ I don’t think that’s the way you would speak to me----
_Coun._ Don’t bully me, sir! You are here to tell us the truth; or as
much of it as you can.
_Wit._ But surely you ought to----
_Coun._ Don’t tell me what I ought to do, sir. Again, are you a liar,
or are you not?
_Wit._ Please tell me how I am to reply to such a question?
_Coun._ You are not there to ask me questions, sir, but to answer _my_
questions to _you_.
_Wit._ Well, I decline to reply.
_Judge (to Witness)._ Now you had better be careful. If you do not
answer the questions put to you, it will be within my right to send you
to gaol for contempt of court.
_Coun._ Now you hear what his lordship says, and now, once more, are
you a liar or are you not?
_Wit. (confused)._ I don’t know.
_Coun. (to Jury)._ He doesn’t know! I need ask nothing further!
[_Sits down._
_Foreman (to Judge)._ May we not ask, my lord, how you consider this
case is being conducted.
_Judge._ With pleasure, gentlemen! I will repeat what I remarked to the
Master quite recently. I think the only word that will describe the
matter is “noble.” Distinctly noble!
[_Scene closes in upon despair of Witness._
NEW STYLE.--_Arrogant Witness about to leave the box, when his progress
is arrested by Counsel on the other side._
_Coun._ I presume, sir, that----
_Wit. (sharply)._ You have no right to presume. Ask me what you want,
and have done with it.
_Coun. (amiably)._ I think we shall get on better--more quickly--if you
kindly attend to my questions.
_Wit._ Think so? Well, it’s a matter of opinion. But, as I have an
engagement in another place, be good enough to ask what you are
instructed to ask and settle the matter off-hand.
_Coun._ If you will allow me to speak----
_Wit._ Speak!--I like that! Why, I can’t get a rational word out of
you!
_Coun. (appealing to Judge)._ Surely, my lord, he has no right to speak
to me like this?
_Judge._ Be good enough to attend to the witness. I have nothing to do
with it.
_Wit. (impatiently)._ Now, sir, am I to wait all day?
_Coun. (mildly)._ I really venture to suggest that is not quite the
tone to adopt.
_Wit._ Don’t bully me, sir! I am here to answer any questions you like
to put, always supposing that you have any worth answering.
_Coun._ But come--surely you ought to----
_Wit._ I am not here to learn my duty from you, sir. You don’t know
your subject, sir. How long have you been called?
_Coun._ I decline to reply.
_Judge (to Counsel)._ Now you had really better be careful. I wish to
treat the Bar with every respect, but if you waste any more time I
shall feel strongly inclined to bring your conduct before your Benchers.
_Wit._ You hear what his lordship says. What are you going to do next?
_Coun. (confused)._ I don’t know.
_Wit. (to Jury)._ He doesn’t know! I needn’t stay here any longer.
[_“Stands” down._
_Judge (to Jury)._ May I ask you, gentlemen, how you consider this case
is being conducted?
_Foreman of the Jury._ With pleasure, my lord. We were all using
the same word which exactly describes the situation. We consider the
deportment of the witness “noble.” Distinctly noble.
[_Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel._
* * * * *
[Illustration: “DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE”
“In these days of conflicts between counsel, I propose to make a few
additions to my usual forensic costume.”--_Extract from a Letter of Mr.
Welnown Kaysee, K.C., to a young friend._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lady (solemnly)._ “When you see a boy always loafing
round street corners, what place in life do you suppose he is fitting
himself for?”
_Boy._ “To be a policeman, mum!”]
* * * * *
[Illustration: Tomkins looking too long at the _cartes de visite_ of
the lawyers in Chancery Lane, is seized with a sudden involuntary
panic. “Don’t be alarmed, my boy,” said his friend Wigsby, who happened
to be passing at the time, “Your _coat_ pockets are quite safe; we
don’t do it that way!”]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NOVELTY IN COIFFURES
Suitable for ladies called to the bar (as they soon will be, of
course).]
* * * * *