(IN TWO TONGUES)
_The French Method, reported in a Paris Paper. Close of the Thirteenth
Day._
The prisoner was admitted. He was self-possessed, grand, mysterious.
He glanced round him with a air of disdain, and jeeringly bowed to
the president, who regarded him with hatred. Then the president put
questions to him.
_The President._ You are a thief, a scoundrel, an assassin! You know
you committed the crime of which you are accused. You are a villain!
_The Prisoner._ And you--polite.
[_General assent._
_The President (with indignation)._ I will not have you say so! I tell
you that I know you entered the room with the pistol. I know that you
fired at the deceased. You know you did! Tell me, did you not kill the
deceased?
_The Prisoner._ Why should I tell you? Is not your head of wood,
M’sieur le Président.
[_General laughter._
_The President (with anger)._ You shall pay dearly for this! You have
insulted me--you have insulted the son of my mother--and insulting her
son, you have also insulted my mother!
[_A deep murmur._
_The Prisoner (shuddering)._ Oh, no! I deny it! I am not so base!
_The President._ But I tell you you are! I tell you that there is no
more wicked man in the world than yourself! You are a poltroon!
[_Murmurs._
_The Prisoner._ And you call the father of my innocent child a
poltroon? It is an outrage!
[_General assent._
_The President._ Your appeal to your innocent babe will avail you
nothing. Your innocent babe would be better without such a father!
(_General Shuddering._) Yes, I mean what I say--you are a craven!
_The Prisoner._ This is too much! I am no craven! I love my country as
a mother loves her son.
[_General assent._
_M. le Président._ You insult France when you call yourself her son!
You insult the Republic.
[_Loud murmurs._
_The Prisoner._ It is not for you to judge! I know you, M’sieur le
Président. Forty years ago you were in the service of the King!
_M. le Président (with a cry)._ You shall be gagged if you utter such
calumnies! You are a knave, a vagabond, a cut-throat! And now it is for
the jury to decide. Have you anything to say in your defence?
_The Prisoner (to the Jury)._ I have nothing to say, save that I brand
this man as a traitor! As for me I ask for liberty in the name of my
infant--in the name of my child! I confess I am no saint, and if I
_have_ murdered, why in the name of my innocent babe I beg of you to
stretch out your hands to me and save me from the scaffold. I wish to
return to the world to watch by the side of a cradle!
The jury, who were deeply affected, then retired, and, after two
hours’ absence, returned a verdict of Guilty.
_The English Method, reported in a London Paper. End of the First Day._
The prisoner, who was ably represented by counsel, appeared to be
deeply sensible of his position. He kept his eyes on the jury during
the brief summing up.
His Lordship said that he trusted the jury would give the benefit of
any doubt they might feel in the prisoner’s favour. In so serious a
case they must not convict unless they were convinced of his guilt.
The facts had been carefully laid before them, and he would not say a
word to bias them one way or the other. He entreated them to remember
that the life of a fellow creature was at stake, and to let that
recollection make them desirous to record only what was proper and
just. The jury then retired, and, after five minutes’ absence, returned
a verdict of Guilty.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE LETTER OF THE LAW
_Nervous Old Lady._ “O, policeman! policeman! there’s a strange dog
that will stick to me, and won’t leave me, and I can’t get rid of him!
Couldn’t you take him in charge or something?”
_Policeman (who doesn’t like the job)._ “Very sorry, ma’am,--but
we can’t interfere with _any_ dog so long as he’s a _follerin’_ o’
somebody!”]
* * * * *
[Illustration: “VICISSITUDES OF FAMILIES”
_Ragged Party._ “Ah! I should never a’ been redooced like this ’ere if
it hadn’t been for the lawyers!”
_Raggeder Ditto._ “And look at me! All through my title-deeds
bein’ made into banjos an’ such like! Why, I spent a small fortun’
advertisin’ for one tambourine as was supposed to a’ been made out o’
my grandmother’s marriage-settlement!!!”]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Dreary Counsel (in the course of an hour’s oration)._
“Gentlemen, you cannot close your eyes--my lord cannot close _his_--to
this important fact!”]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A NARROW ESCAPE
_Country Magistrate._ “Prisoner, you’re discharged this time with a
caution; but if we see you here again, you’ll get twice as much!!”]
* * * * *
NEW LEGAL DEFINITION.--_A Copyholder._--A compositor.
* * * * *
[Illustration: LIMITED LIABILITY.--_Worthy Magistrate._ “Prisoner, you
hear what the policeman says, that you, and some ten or twelve other
boys not yet in custody, were seen in the act of demolishing a street
lamp; now what have you to say for yourself?”
_Prisoner._ “So please yer worshop, as there was more nor ten of us
engaged in the transagtion, why I pleads limited liability.”]
* * * * *
[Illustration: “TURNING HIS FLANK” (_See opposite page._)]
* * * * *
LEGAL DISTINCTION.--_Q._ What is the difference between attorney and
counsel?
_A._ One is a lawyer, and the other a jawyer.
* * * * *
“TURNING HIS FLANK”
_Mr. Brisket (the butcher)._ “Good morning, Mr. Chattles! You’re a
lawyer, and I want your advice. What can I do with a man whose dog
steals some meat from my shop?”
_Mr. Chattles (the lawyer)._ “Demand the value, or summon the owner.”
_Mr. Brisket (triumphantly)._ “Then I want six-and-sixpence from you,
sir, or else I’ll summons yer! Your dog there ran away with a piece of
mutton o’ that valley from these premises last night!”
_Mr. Chattles._ “Hum--ah--h’m! Then if you’ll hand me over twopence,
we shall just be square, Mr. Brisket--as my fee for consultation is
six-and-eightpence!!”
[Illustration]
* * * * *
“SAUCE FOR THE COUNSEL GOOSE IS SAUCE FOR SOLOR GANDER”
(_Respectfully dedicated to the Incorporated Law Society and the Bar
Committee_)
SCENE--_Interior of the Duke of Ditchwater’s Study._ TIME--_The near
Future. PRESENT--His Grace and Mr. Kosts, the Family Solicitor._
_The Duke (finishing a long business talk)._ And I suppose we had
better be represented by Mr. Silvertongue, the Queen’s Counsel?
_Mr. Kosts (hesitating)._ Certainly, your Grace, if it is your express
wish.
_The Duke (surprised)._ Why, Mr. Kosts, you surely know of no better
representative?
_Mr. Kosts (hurriedly)._ Oh no, your Grace. Mr. Silvertongue is a most
eloquent advocate, and has the law at his fingers’ ends; but----
_The Duke._ Well? Surely we may entrust ourselves in his hands with
perfect confidence? Do you not think so?
_Mr. Kosts._ Oh, certainly, your Grace, certainly. (_Hesitating._) But
matters have changed a little lately. There has been an alteration in
the law.
_The Duke._ Indeed!
_Mr. Kosts._ Yes, your Grace. The fact is, that the two branches of the
legal profession have been amalgamated.
_The Duke._ I don’t quite understand.
_Mr. Kosts._ Why, your Grace, there is now no real distinction between
solicitors and barristers, except in name. So I thought, your Grace,
that as I could do the work as well, that perhaps I might replace Mr.
Silvertongue, and---- You see, it is simply a matter of business.
_The Duke (interrupting)._ Certainly, certainly, Mr. Kosts. No
doubt you could represent me admirably. But you see I am afraid Mr.
Silvertongue might be a little offended. You know he is a personal
friend of mine, and----
_Mr. Kosts (promptly, with a bow)._ I trust your Grace will not give
the matter another thought--Mr. Silvertongue shall be instructed.
(_Preparing to go._) Of course, your Grace’s young relative, the
Honourable Charles Needy, will act as junior?
_The Duke._ Certainly, Mr. Kosts. Give Charley as much of my work as
possible. My wife’s cousin, I am afraid, is not overburdened with
briefs.
_Mr. Kosts._ I am afraid not, your Grace. And yet Mr. Needy is a sharp
and clever young gentleman. Good day, your Grace!
_The Duke (after a moment’s thought, suddenly)._ One moment, Mr.
Kosts. Did I understand you to say that the two branches of the legal
profession were amalgamated?
_Mr. Kosts._ To all intents and purposes, your Grace. You see we can
now do all the work of the Bar.
_The Duke._ And I suppose barristers can act as solicitors--I mean,
undertake the same kind of business?
_Mr. Kosts (laughing)._ There is nothing to prevent them, your Grace,
save their incapacity.
_The Duke (with dignity)._ No relative of the Duchess, Mr. Kosts, can
be incapable!
_Mr. Kosts (puzzled)._ I beg your Grace’s pardon. I do not quite
understand----
_The Duke._ Then I will explain. You tell me that barristers can now
act as solicitors. Well, you know the old adage, that “blood is thicker
than water.” It is, Mr. Kosts; it is. You will pardon me, I am sure, if
I suggest that the connection of your firm with my family has not been
unlucrative.
_Mr. Kosts._ On the contrary, your Grace! I may fairly say that
the connection is worth many hundreds a-year to us. We cannot be
sufficiently grateful.
_The Duke._ Pray desist, Mr. Kosts. The matter is one of pure business.
It really is not at all a question of gratitude. Well, as I understand
you to say that Mr. Needy is quite qualified to undertake solicitor’s
work----
_Mr. Kosts (blankly)._ Theoretically, your Grace; theoretically.
_The Duke (haughtily)._ Any relative of the Duchess can reduce theory
to practice.
_Mr. Kosts (bowing)._ No doubt, your Grace; no doubt.
_The Duke._ Well, as I now find that Charley can do the work I have
hitherto given to you, Mr. Kosts, I feel that some alteration must be
made. Charley is poor, and my relative. So I am sure you will not be
offended when for the future I give him the whole of the legal work I
used to give to you. You see, after all (as you explained to me just
now) it is purely a matter of business!
[_Scene closes in upon Mr. Kosts’ discomfiture._
* * * * *
[Illustration: POLICE TYRANNY.--_Policeman (to obtrusive tramp)._ “Now
then, what d’ye mean by shoving yourself in before these poor people
out o’ your turn? You stand back or--(_thinking deeply_)--you shall
have such a _wash_!!”]
* * * * *
[Illustration: IMPRACTICABLE.--_Judge (to witness)._ “Repeat the
prisoner’s statement to you, exactly in his own words. Now, what did he
say?”
_Witness._ “My lord, he said he stole the pig----”
_Judge._ “Impossible! He couldn’t have used the third person.”
_Witness._ “My lord, there was no third person!”
_Judge._ “Nonsense! I suppose you mean that he said, ‘I stole the pig’!”
_Witness (shocked)._ “Oh, my lord! he never mentioned your lordship’s
name!”
[_Dismissed ignominiously._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BRITISH JURYMAN PREPARING FOR THE WORST.--_Wife of
his Bussum._ “There, my love, I think with what you have had, and this
box of concentrated luncheon, you may hold out against any of ’em!”]
* * * * *
NEW LEGAL WORK. (_By the author of “In Silk Attire.”_)--“The briefless
junior; or, plenty of stuff to spare.”
* * * * *
MUSICAL LAW.--“Bar’s rest.” Long vacation.
* * * * *
A LABORIOUS OCCUPATION.--Shop-lifting.
* * * * *
A Lawsuit now pending in Tennessee between two families has run for
such a length of time, that it takes six men of the strongest memories
in the State to remember when it was begun.
[Illustration]
* * * * *