SCENE--_The Central Criminal Court. The usual company assembled,
and the place wearing its customary aspect. “Standing room only”
everywhere, except in the jury box, which is empty. Prisoner at the
bar._
_Judge._ This is most annoying! Owing to the refusal of the jury
to serve, the time of the Bar, the Bench, and I may even add, the
prisoner, is wasted! I really don’t know what to do! Mr. Twentybob, I
think you appear for the accused?
_Counsel for the Defence._ Yes, my Lord.
_Judge (with some hesitation)._ Well, I do not for a moment presume
to dictate to you, but it certainly would get us out of a serious
difficulty if your client pleaded guilty. I suppose you have carefully
considered his case, and think it advisable that he should not withdraw
his plea?
_Counsel for the Defence._ No, my lord, I certainly cannot advise him
to throw up his defence. It is a serious--a deeply serious--matter for
him. I do not anticipate any difficulty in establishing his innocence
before an intelligent jury.
_Judge._ But we can’t get a jury--intelligent or otherwise.
_Counsel for the Defence._ If no evidence is offered, my client should
be discharged.
_Counsel for the Prosecution._ I beg pardon, but I must set my friend
right. Evidence _is_ offered in support of the charge, my lord.
_Judge._ Yes; but there is no properly constituted body to receive and
decide upon its credibility. I am glad that the grand jury (to whom I
had the privilege of addressing a few observations upon our unfortunate
position) have ignored a larger number of bills than usual; still, the
present case is before the court, and I must dispose of it. Can you
assist us in any way, Mr. Perplebagge?
_Counsel for the Prosecution (smiling)._ I am afraid not, my lord.
_Judge._ Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the
prisoner to be taken back to----
_Prisoner._ To the place I was in last night? No thankee!--not me!
Look here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don’t we? Well, just to
oblige you--as Dartmoor ain’t ’arf bad in the summer, and as in course
I _did_ do it--I plead guilty!
_Judge (with a sigh of relief)._ Prisoner at the bar; we are infinitely
beholden to you!
[_Passes regulation sentence with grateful courtesy._
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION.--_Prison Chaplain (charged to report
on convict’s religious knowledge)._ “Do you know the Commandments?”
_Prisoner._ “Yes, Sir.”
_Prison Chaplain._ “Say the eighth.”
_Prisoner (promptly)._ “Thou shalt do no manner of work; thou, nor thy
son, nor thy daughter.” &c.]
* * * * *
HABES CONFITENTEM REUM.--Suitors write to the papers to complain of
the “block in Chancery.” Who but a block (we must ask) _would_ be in
Chancery?
* * * * *
THE THIEF’S MOTTO.--“Take things quietly.”
* * * * *
SPRING ASSIZES.--Trying weather.
* * * * *
QUERY.--Would an ideal barrister be a counsel of perfection?
* * * * *
A PROVERB REVISED.--Too many cooks spoil the--police.
* * * * *
SAYING OF SOLICITORS.--November is at best a pettifogger.
* * * * *
AN EQUITY DRAFTSMAN.--A lawyer who sketches.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Improved costume for the Metropolitan Police during the
great heat of 1893.]
* * * * *