"I know I'm a Scanner. But so what?"
She went over the words, like a tale told a thousand times to reassure
herself: "You are the bravest of the brave, the most skillful of the
skilled. All Mankind owes most honor to the Scanner, who unites the
Earths of Mankind. Scanners are the protectors of the Habermans. They
are the judges in the Up-and Out. They make men live in the place
where men need desperately to die. They are the most honored of
Mankind, and even the Chiefs of the Instrumentality are delighted to
pay them homage!"
With obstinate sorrow he demurred: "Luci, we've heard that all before.
But does it pay us back--"
"'Scanners work for more than pay. They are the strong guards of
Mankind.' Don't you remember that?"
"But our lives, Luci. What can you get out of being the wife of a
Scanner? Why did you marry me? I'm human only when I cranch. The
rest of the time--you know what I am. A machine. A man turned into a
machine. A man who has been killed and kept alive for duty. Don't you
realize what I miss?"
"Of course, darling, of course--"
He went on: "Don't you think I remember my childhood? Don't you think
I remember what it is to be a man and not a haberman? To walk and feel
my feet on the ground? To feel a decent clean pain instead of watching
my body every minute to see if I'm alive? How will I know if I'm dead?
Did you ever think of that, Luci? How will I know if I'm dead?"
She ignored the unreasonableness of his outburst. Pacifyingly, she
said: "Sit down, darling. Let me make you some kind of a drink.
You're over-wrought."
Automatically, he scanned: "No I'm not! Listen to me. How do you
think it feels to be in the Up-and-Out with the crew tied-for-space all
around you? How do you think it feels to watch them sleep? How do you
think I like scanning, scanning, scanning month after month, when I can
feel the pain-of-Space beating against every part of my body, trying to
get past my Haberman blocks? How do you think I like to wake the men
when I have to, and have them hate me for it? Have you ever seen
habermans fight--strong men fighting, and neither knowing pain,
fighting until one touches _Overload_? Do you think about that, Luci?"
Triumphantly he added: "Can you blame me if I cranch, and come back to
being a man, just two days a month?"
"I'm not blaming you, darling. Let's enjoy your cranch. Sit down now,
and have a drink."
He was sitting down, resting his face in his hands, while she fixed the
drink, using natural fruits out of bottles in addition to the secure
alkaloids. He watched her restlessly and pitied her for marrying a
scanner; and then, though it was unjust, resented having to pity her.
Just as she turned to hand him the drink, they both jumped a little as
the phone rang. It should not have rung. They had turned it off. It
rang again, obviously on the emergency circuit. Stepping ahead of
Luci, Martel strode over to the phone and looked into it. Vomact was
looking at him.
The custom of Scanners entitled him to be brusque, even with a Senior
Scanner, on certain given occasions. This was one.
Before Vomact could speak, Martel spoke two words into the plate, not
caring whether the old man could read lips or not:
"Cranching. Busy."
He cut the switch and went back to Luci.
The phone rang again.
Luci said, gently, "I can find out what it is, darling. Here, take
your drink and sit down."
"Leave it alone," said her husband. "No one has a right to call when
I'm cranching. He knows that. He ought to know that."
The phone rang again. In a fury, Martel rose and went to the plate.
He cut it back on. Vomact was on the screen. Before Martel could
speak, Vomact held up his Talking Nail in line with his Heartbox.
Martel reverted to discipline:
"Scanner Martel present and waiting, sir."