(_By a Student of Manners._)
The Roman satirist sang of poets reciting their verses in the month of
August. If he were alive now he would find as fruitful a subject in the
renovations and decorations of Clubland. Clubs are strange institutions;
they go in for Autumn not Spring cleaning. Happily all Clubs are not
renovated at the same time, otherwise the destitution of members would be
pitiful to contemplate. Even as it is the temporary accommodation offered
by their neighbours is not unattended by serious drawbacks. The standard of
efficiency in bridge and billiards is not the same; the cuisine of one
Club, though admirable in itself, may not suit the digestions of members of
another; the opportunities for repose vary considerably. In short, August
and September are trying months for the clubman who is obliged to remain in
London. But by October Pall Mall is itself again, and we are glad to be
able to state that in certain Clubs the amenities and comforts available
will be greatly enhanced.
For example the Megatherium, which is now in the hands of the decorators,
is being painted a pale pink outside, a colour which recent experiments
have shown to exert a peculiarly humanising and tranquillising influence on
persons of an irritable disposition. A sumptuous dormitory is being erected
on the top floor, where slow music will be discoursed every afternoon, from
three to seven, by a Czecho-Slovak orchestra. A roof-garden is being laid
out for the recreation of the staff, and the velocity of the numerous lifts
has been keyed up to concert pitch. Steam heat will be conveyed from the
basement to radiators on every floor, and each room is being provided with
a vacuum-cleaning apparatus, a wireless telephonic outfit and an American
bar. The renovation of the library is practically complete, the obsolete
books which cumbered its shelves having been replaced by the works of DELL,
BARCLAY, WELLS, ZANE GREY and BENNETT. Three interesting rumours about the
future of the Club may be given with due reserve--the first, that in the
near future women will be admitted to membership; the second, that Lord
Ascliffe has obtained a complete control of its resources; and the third,
that its name will be shortly changed to "Alfred's," on the analogy of
"Arthur's."
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From Smith Minor's French Paper:
"Translate 'La femme avait une chatte qui était très méchante.'--'The
farmer was having a chat with thirteen merchants.'"
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"Archbishop Mannix ... says he can go anywhere in England except to
Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow and possibly Fishguard."--_Daily
Mirror._
Another injustice to Scotland.
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"But this Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage
bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable
sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of
divorce."--_Scotch Paper._
And so many Scotsmen are incurably sane.
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[Illustration: THE PROBLEM.
POLAND (_to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, organizer of the Human Chess Tournament_).
"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY THE GAME? I WAS LED TO BELIEVE I WAS TO BE A
QUEEN, BUT I FIND I'M ONLY A PAWN."]
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