The grouse-shooting reports are coming in. Already one of the newly-rich
has sent a brace of gamekeepers to the local hospital.
* * *
"A few hours in Cork," says a _Daily Mail_ correspondent, "will convince
anyone that a civil war is near." A civil war, it should be explained, is
one in which the civilians are at war but the military are not.
* * *
Lisburn Urban Council has decided to buy an army hut for use as a day
nursery. It is this policy of petty insult that is bound in the end to goad
the military forces in Ireland to reprisals.
* * *
"Who invented railways?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say we know
somebody who butted in later.
* * *
"Mr. Churchill," says a contemporary, "has some friends still." It will be
noticed that they are very still.
* * *
"It may interest your readers to know," writes a correspondent, "that it
would take four days and nights, seven hours, fifty-two minutes and ten
seconds to count one day's circulation of _The Daily Mail_." Holiday-makers
waiting for the shower to blow over should certainly try it.
* * *
Coloured grocery sugars, the FOOD CONTROLLER announces, are to be freed
from control on September 6th. A coloured grocery is one in which the
grocer is not as black as he is painted.
* * *
A conference of sanitary inspectors at Leeds has been considering the
question, "When is a house unfit for habitation?" The most dependable sign
is the owner's description of it as a "charming old-world residence."
* * *
The Warrington Watch Committee, says a news item, have before them an
unusual number of applications for pawnbrokers' licences. In the absence of
any protest from the Sleeve Links and Scarf Pin Committee they will
probably be granted.
* * *
"I earn three pounds and fourpence a week," an applicant told the Willesden
Police Court, "out of which I give my wife three pounds." The man may be a
model husband, of course, but before taking it for granted we should want
to know what he does with that fourpence.
* * *
Scarborough Corporation has fitted up and let a number of bathing vans for
eight shillings a week each. To avoid overcrowding not more than three
families will be allowed to live in one van.
* * *
"Three times in four days," says a _Daily Express_ report, "a Parisian has
thrown his wife out of a bedroom window." Later reports point out that all
is now quiet, as the fellow has found his collar-stud.
* * *
"Who Will Fight For England?" asks a headline. To avoid ill-feeling a
better plan would be to get Sir ERIC GEDDES to give it to you.
* * *
A noiseless gun has just been invented. It will now be possible to wage war
without the enemy complaining of headache.
* * *
"Everyone sending clothes to a laundry should mark them plainly so that
they can be easily recognised," advises a weekly journal. It is nice to
know that should an article not come back again you will be able to assure
yourself that it was yours.
* * *
At the present moment, we read, dogs are being imported in large numbers.
It should be pointed out, however, that dachshunds are still sold in
lengths.
* * *
A contemporary complains of the high cost of running a motor-car to-day. It
is not so much the high price of petrol, we gather, as the rising cost of
pedestrian.
* * *
The police, while investigating a case of burglary in a railway buffet,
discovered a bent crowbar. This seems to prove that the thieves tried to
break into a railway sandwich.
* * *
Mexican rebels have been ordered to stop indiscriminate shooting. It is
feared that the supply of Presidential Candidates is in danger of running
out.
* * *
"A Manchester octogenarian has just married a woman of eighty-six," says a
news item. It should be pointed out, however, that he obtained her parents'
consent.
* * *
"Although the old penny bun is now sold for twopence or even threepence it
contains three times the number of currants," announces an evening paper.
This should mean three currants in each bun.
* * *
A parrot belonging to a bargee escaped near Atherstone in Warwickshire last
week and has not yet been recaptured. We understand that all children under
fourteen living in the neighbourhood are being kept indoors, whilst local
golfers have been sent out to act as decoys.
* * *
It is announced that a baby born in Ramsgate on August 6th is to be
christened "Geddes." We are given to understand that the news has not yet
been broken to the unfortunate infant.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Exasperated Partner._ "LOOK HERE--DON'T YOU EVER GET YOUR
SERVICE INTO THE RIGHT COURT?"
_Partner._ "NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT I DON'T. BUT IT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY
UNPLAYABLE IF I DID."]
* * * * *