I wish I livd a Thowsen year Ago
Wurking for Sober six and Seven milers
And dubble Stages runnen safe and slo!
The Orsis cum in Them days to the Bilers
But Now by meens of Powers of Steem forces
A-turning Coches into Smoakey Kettels
The Bilers seam a Cumming to the Orses
And Helps and naggs Will sune be out of Vittels
Poor Bruits I wander How we bee to Liv
When sutch a change of Orses is our Faits
No nothink need Be sifted in a Siv
May them Blowd ingins all Blow up their Grates
And Theaves of Oslers crib the Coles and Giv
Their blackgard Hannimuls a Feed of Slaits!
Space we have not for the whole of "A Letter from a Market Gardener to
the Secretary of the Horticultural Society," but here is the concluding
paragraph:--
"My Wif had a Tomb Cat that dyd. Being a torture Shell and a Grate
faverit, we had Him berrid in the Guardian, and for the sake of
inrichment of the Mould, I had the carks deposeted under the roots of
a Gosberry Bush. The Frute being up till then of a smooth kind. But
the nex Seson's Frute after the Cat was berrid, the Gosberris was al
hairy--and more Remarkable, the Capilers of the same bush was All of
the same hairy description.
"I am, Sir, your humble servant,
"THOMAS FROST."
We have lately paid much attention to the subject of Emigration, but
quite in a different vein to the following, which will introduce one of
the cuts:--
"Squampash Flatts, 9th Nov. 1827.
"Dear Brother--Here we are, thank Providence, safe and well, and in the
finest country you ever saw. At this moment I have before me the sublime
expanse of Squampash Flatts--the majestic Mudiboo winding through the
midst--with the magnificent range of the Squab mountains in the
distance. But the prospect is impossible to describe in a letter! I
might as well attempt a panorama in a pill-box! We have fixed our
settlement on the left bank of the river. In crossing the rapids we lost
most of our heavy baggage, and all our iron work; but, by great good
fortune, we saved Mrs. Paisley's grand piano, and the children's toys.
Our infant city consists of three log-huts and one of clay, which,
however, on the second day, fell in to the ground landlords. We have now
built it up again, and, all things considered, are as comfortable as we
could expect: and have christened our settlement New London, in
compliment to the old metropolis. We have one of the log-houses to
ourselves--or at least shall have, when we have built a new hog-sty. We
burnt down the first one in making a bonfire to keep off the wild
beasts, and, for the present, the pigs are in the parlour. As yet our
rooms are rather usefully than elegantly furnished. We have gutted the
Grand Upright, and it makes a convenient cupboard; the chairs were
obliged to blaze at our bivouacs--but thank Heaven, we have never
leisure to sit down, and so do not miss them. My boys are contented, and
will be well when they have got over some awkward accidents in lopping
and felling. Mrs. P. grumbles a little, but it is her custom to lament
most when she is in the midst of comforts: she complains of solitude,
and says she could enjoy the very stiffest of stiff visits. The first
time we lighted a fire in our new abode, a large serpent came down the
chimney, which I looked upon as a good omen. However, as Mrs. P. is not
partial to snakes, and the heat is supposed to attract those reptiles,
we have dispensed with fires ever since. As for wild beasts, we hear
them howling and roaring round the fence every night from dusk till
daylight; but we have only been inconvenienced by one lion. The first
time he came, in order to get rid of the brute peaceably, we turned out
an old ewe, with which he was well satisfied, but ever since he comes to
us as regular as clock-work for his mutton; and if we do not soon
contrive to cut his acquaintance, we shall hardly have a sheep in the
flock. It would have been easy to shoot him, being well provided with
muskets; but Barnaby mistook our remnant of gunpowder for onion seed,
and sowed it all in the kitchen garden. We did try to trap him into a
pit-fall; but after twice catching Mrs. P. and every one of the children
in turn, it was given up. They are now, however, perfectly at ease about
the animal, for they never stir out of doors at all; and, to make them
quite comfortable, I have blocked up all the windows, and barricaded the
door. We have lost only one of our number since we came--namely,
Diggory, the market-gardener, from Glasgow, who went out one morning to
botanize, and never came back. I am much surprised at his absconding, as
he had nothing but a spade to go off with. Chippendale, the carpenter,
was sent after him, but did not return; and Gregory, the smith, has been
out after them these two days. I have just dispatched Mudge, the
herdsman, to look for all three, and hope he will soon give a good
account of them, as they are the most useful men in the whole
settlement, and, in fact, indispensable to its existence. The river
Mudiboo is deep and rapid, and said to swarm with alligators, though I
have heard but of three being seen at one time, and none of those above
eighteen feet long: this, however, is immaterial, as we do not use the
river fluid, which is thick and dirty, but draw all our water from
natural wells and tanks. Poisonous springs are rather common, but are
easily distinguished by containing no fish or living animal. Those,
however, which swarm with frogs, toads, newts, efts, &c., are harmless,
and may be safely used for culinary purposes. In short, I know of no
drawback but one, which, I am sanguine, may be got over hereafter, and
do earnestly hope and advise, if things are no better in England than
when I left, you, and as many as you can persuade, will sell off all,
and come over to this African Paradise. The drawback I speak of is
this:--Although I have never seen any one of the creatures, it is too
certain that the mountains are inhabited by a race of monkeys, whose
cunning and mischievous talents exceed even the most incredible stories
of their tribe. No human art or vigilance seems of avail: we have
planned ambuscades, and watched night after night, but no attempt has
been made; yet the moment the guard was relaxed, we were stripped
without mercy. I am convinced they must have had spies night and day on
our motions--yet so secretly and cautiously, that no glimpse of one has
yet been seen by any of our people. Our last crop was cut and carried
off with the precision of an English harvesting. Our spirit stores--(you
will be amazed to hear that these creatures pick locks with the
dexterity of London burglars)--have been broken open and ransacked,
though half the establishment were on the watch; and the brutes have
been off to their mountains, five miles distant, without even the dogs
giving an alarm. I could almost persuade myseif at times, such are their
supernatural knowledge, swiftness, and invisibility, that we have to
contend with evil spirits. I long for your advice, to refer to on this
subject; and am, dear Philip,
"Your loving brother,
"AMBROSE MAWE.
"P.S. Since writing the above, you will be concerned to hear the body of
poor Diggory has been found, horribly mangled by wild beasts. The fate
of Chippendale, Gregory, and Mudge is no longer doubtful. The old lion
has brought the lioness, and, the sheep being all gone, they have made a
joint attack upon the bullock-house. The Mudiboo has overflowed, and
Squampash Flatts are a swamp. I have just discovered that the monkeys
are my own rascals, that I brought out from England. We are coming back
as fast as we can."