THE EVE OF SORROW.
Sir Tom stepped out into the night some time after, holding Jock by the
arm. The boy had a sort of thrill and tremble in him as if he had been
reading poetry or witnessing some great tragic scene, which the elder
man partially understood without being at all aware that Jock had
himself been an actor in this drama. He himself had been dismissed out
of it, so to speak. His mind was relieved, and yet he was not so
satisfied as he expected to be. It had been proved to him that he had no
responsibility for Bice, and his anxiety relieved on that subject;
relieved, oh yes: and yet was he a little disappointed too. It would
have been endless embarrassment, and Lucy would not have liked it. Still
he had been accustoming himself to the idea, and, now that it was broken
clean off, he was not so much pleased as he had expected. Poor little
Bice! her little burst of generous gratitude and affection had gone to
his heart. If that little thing who (it appeared) had died in Florence
so many years ago had survived and grown a woman, as an hour ago he had
believed her to have done, that is how he should have liked her to feel
and to express herself. Such a sense of approval and admiration was in
him that he felt the disappointment the more. Yes, he supposed it was a
disappointment. He had begun to get used to the idea, and he had always
liked the girl; but of course it was a relief--the greatest relief--to
have no explanation to make to Lucy, instead of the painful one which
perhaps she would only partially believe. He had felt that it would be
most difficult to make her understand that, though this was so, he had
not been in any plot, and had not known of it any more than she did when
Bice was brought to his house. This would have been the difficult point
in the matter, and now, heaven be praised! all that was over, and there
was no mystery, nothing to explain. But so strange is human sentiment
that the world felt quite impoverished to Sir Tom, though he was much
relieved. Life became for the moment a more commonplace affair
altogether. He was free from the annoyance. It mattered nothing to him
now who she married--the best _parti_ in society, or Jock's tutor, or
anybody the girl pleased. If it had not been for that exhibition of
feeling Sir Tom would probably have said to himself, satirically, that
there could be little doubt which the Contessa's ward and pupil would
choose. But after that little scene he came out very much shaken,
touched to the heart, thinking that perhaps life would have been more
full and sweet had his apprehensions been true. She had been overcome by
the united pressure of himself and the Contessa, and for the moment
subdued, though the fire in her eye and swelling of her young bosom
seemed to say that the victory was very incomplete. He would have liked
the little one that died to have looked like that, and felt like that,
had she lived to grow a woman like Bice. Great heaven, the little one
that died! The words as they went through his mind sent a chill to Sir
Tom's breast. Might it be that they would be said again--once more--and
that far-back sin bring thus a punishment all the more bitter for being
so long delayed. Human nature will never get to believe that God is not
lying in wait somewhere to exact payment of every account.
"She understands that," said Jock suddenly. "She don't know the meaning
of other things."
"What may be the other things?" said Sir Tom, feeling a half jealousy of
anything that could be said to Bice's disadvantage. "I don't think she
is wanting in understanding. Ah, I see. You don't know how any one could
resist the influence of MTutor, Jock."
Through the darkness under the feeble lamp Jock shot a glance at his
elder of that immeasurable contempt which youth feels for the absence of
all penetration shown by its seniors, and their limited powers of
observation. But he said nothing. Perhaps he could not trust himself to
speak.
"Don't think I'm a scoffer, my boy," said Sir Tom. "MTutor's a very
decent fellow. Let us go and look him up. He would be better, to my
thinking, if he were not quite so fine, you know. But that's a trifle,
and I'm an old fogey. You are not going back to Park Lane to-night."
"After what you heard her say? Do you think I've got no heart either? If
I could have it instead of him!"
"But you can't, my boy," Sir Tom said with a pressure of Jock's arm.
"And you must not make Lucy more wretched by hanging about. There's the
mystery," he broke out suddenly. "You can't--none of us can. What might
be nothing to you or me may be death to that little thing, but it is he
that has to go through with it; life is a horrible sort of pleasure,
Jock."
"Is it a pleasure?" the boy said under his breath. Life in him at that
moment was one big heavy throbbing through all his being, full of
mysterious powers unknown, of which Death was the least--yet, coming as
he did a great shadow upon the feeblest, a terrible and awe-striking
power beyond the strength of man to understand.
After this night, so full of emotion, there came certain days which
passed without sign or mark in the dim great house looking out upon all
the lively sights and sounds of the great park. The sun rose and
reddened the windows, the noon blazed, the gray twilight touched
everything into colour. In the chamber which was the centre of all
interest no one knew or cared how the hours went, and whether it was
morning or noon or night. Instead of these common ways of reckoning,
they counted by the hours when the doctor came, when the child must have
his medicine, when it was time to refresh the little cot with cool clean
linen, or sponge the little hot hands. The other attendants took their
turns and rested, but Lucy was capable of no rest. She dozed sometimes
with her eyes half opened, hearing every movement and little cry.
Perhaps as the time went on and the watch continued her faculties were a
little blunted by this, so that she was scarcely full awake at any time,
since she never slept. She moved mechanically about, and was conscious
of nothing but a dazed and confused misery, without anticipation or
recollection. Something there was in her mind besides, which perhaps
made it worse; she could not tell. Could anything make it worse? The
heart, like any other vessel, can hold but what it is capable of, and no
more.
It is not easy to estimate what is the greatest sorrow of human life.
It is that which has us in its grip, whatever it may be. Bereavement is
terrible until there comes to you a pang more bitter from living than
from dying: and one grief is supreme until another tops it, and the sea
comes on and on in mountain waves. But perhaps of all the endurances of
nature there is none which the general consent would agree upon as the
greatest, like that of a mother watching death approach, with noiseless,
awful step, to the bed of her only child. If humanity can approach more
near the infinite in capacity of suffering, it is hard to know how. We
must all bow down before this extremity of anguish, humbly begging the
pardon of that sufferer, that in our lesser griefs, we dare to bemoan
ourselves in her presence. And whether it is the dear companion--man or
woman grown--or the infant out of her clasping arms, would seem to
matter very little. According as it happens, so is the blow the most
terrible. To Lucy, enveloped by that woe, there could have been no
change that would not have lightened something (or so she felt) of her
intolerable burden. Could he have breathed his fever and pain into
words, could he have told what ailed him, could he have said to her only
one little phrase of love, to be laid up in her heart! But the pitiful
looks of those baby eyes, now bright with fever, now dull as dead
violets, the little inarticulate murmurings, the appeals that could not
be comprehended, added such a misery as was almost too much for flesh
and blood to bear. This terrible ordeal was what Lucy had to go through.
The child, though he had, as the maids said, no constitution, and though
he had been enfeebled by illness for half his little lifetime, fought on
hour after hour and day after day. Sometimes there was a look in his
little face as of a conscious intelligence fighting a brave battle for
life. His young mother beside him rose and fell with his breath, lived
only in him, knew nothing but the vicissitudes of the sick room, taking
her momentary broken rest when he slept, only to start up when, with a
louder breath, a little cry, the struggle was resumed. The nurses could
not, it would be unreasonable to expect it, be as entirely absorbed in
their charge as was his mother. They got to talk at last, not minding
her presence, quite freely in half whispers about other "cases," of
patients and circumstances they had known. Stories of children who had
died, and of some who had been miraculously raised from the brink of the
grave, and of families swept away and houses desolated, seemed to get
into the air of the room and float about Lucy, catching her confused
ear, which was always on the watch for other sounds. Three or four times
a day Sir Tom came to the door for news, but was not admitted, as the
doctor's orders were stringent. There was no one admitted except the
doctor; no cheer or comfort from without came into the sick room. Sir
Tom did his best to speak a cheerful word, and would fain have persuaded
Lucy to come out into the corridor, or to breathe the fresh air from a
balcony. But Lucy, had she been capable of leaving the child, had a dim
recollection in her mind that there was something, she could not tell
what, interposing between her and her husband, and turned away from him
with a sinking at her heart. She remembered vaguely that he had
something else--some other possessions to comfort him--not this child
alone as she had. He had something that he could perhaps love as
well--but she had nothing; and she turned away from him with an
instinctive sense of the difference, feeling it to be a wrong to her
boy. But for this they might have comforted each other, and consulted
each other over the fever and its symptoms. And she might have stolen a
few moments from her child's bed and thrown herself on her husband's
bosom and been consoled. But after all what did it matter? Could
anything have made it more easy to bear? When sorrow and pain occupy the
whole being, what room is there for consolation, what importance in the
lessening by an infinitesimal shred of sorrow!
This had gone on for--Lucy could not tell how many days (though not in
reality for very many), when there came one afternoon in which
everything seemed to draw towards the close. It is the time when the
heart fails most easily and the tide of being runs most low. The light
was beginning to wane in those dim rooms, though a great golden sunset
was being enacted in purple and flame on the other side of the house.
The child's eyes were dull and glazed; they seemed to turn inward with
that awful blank which is like the soul's withdrawal; its little powers
seemed all exhausted. The little moan, the struggle, had fallen into
quiet. The little lips were parched and dry. Those pathetic looks that
seemed to plead for help and understanding came no more. The baby was
too much worn out for such painful indications of life. The women had
drawn aside, all their talk hushed, only a faint whisper now and then of
directions from the most experienced of the two to the subordinates
aiding the solemn watch. Lucy sat by the side of the little bed on the
floor, sometimes raising herself on her knees to see better. She had
fallen into the chill and apathy of despair.
At this time a door opened, not loudly or with any breach of the decorum
of such a crisis, but with a distinct soft sound, which denoted some
one not bound by the habits of a sick room. A step equally distinct,
though soft, not the noiseless step of a watcher, came in through the
outer room and to the bed. The women, who were standing a little apart,
gave a low, involuntary cry. It looked like health and youthful vigour
embodied which came sweeping into the dim room to the bedside of the
dying child. It was Bice, who had asked no leave, who fell on her knees
beside Lucy and stooped down her beautiful head, and kissed the hand
which lay on the baby's coverlet. "Oh, pardon me," she said, "I could
not keep away any longer. They kept me by force, or I would have come
long, long since. I have come to stay, that you may have some rest, for
I can nurse him--oh, with all my heart!"
She had said all this hurriedly in a breath before she looked at the
child. Now she turned her head to the little bed. Her countenance
underwent a sudden change. The colour forsook her cheeks, her lips
dropped apart. She turned round to the nurse with a low cry, with a
terrified question in her eyes.
"You see," said Lucy, speaking with a gasp as if in answer to some
previous argument, "she thinks so, too----" Then there was a terrible
pause. There seemed to come another "change," as the women said, over
the little face, out of which life ebbed at every breath. Lucy started
to her feet; she seized Bice's arm and raised her, which would have been
impossible in a less terrible crisis. "Go," she said; "Go, Bice, to your
father, and tell him to come, for my boy is dying Go--go!"