THE LAST BLOW.
Lucy stood out stoutly to the last gasp. She did not betray herself,
except by the paleness, the seriousness which she could not banish from
her countenance. Her guests thought that Lady Randolph must be ill, that
she was disguising a bad headache, or even something more serious, under
the smile with which she received them. "I am sure you ought to be in
bed," the older ladies said, and when they took their leave of her,
after their congratulations as to the success of the evening, they all
repeated this in various tones. "I am sure you are quite worn out; I
shall send in the morning to ask how you are," the Duchess said. Lucy
listened to everything with a smile which was somewhat set and painful.
She was so worn out with emotion and pain that at last neither words nor
looks made much impression upon her. She saw the Contessa and Bice
stream by to their carriage with a circle of attendants, still in all
the dazzle and flash of their triumph; and after that the less important
crowd, the insignificant people who lingered to the last, the girls who
would not give up a last waltz, and the men who returned for a final
supper, swam in her dazed eyes. She stood at the door mechanically
shaking hands and saying "Good-night." The Dowager, moved by curiosity,
anxiety, perhaps by pity, kept by her till a late hour, though Lucy was
scarcely aware of it. When she went away at last, she repeated with
earnestness and a certain compunction the advice of the other ladies.
"You don't look fit to stand," she said. "If you will go to bed I will
wait till all these tiresome people are gone. You have been doing too
much, far too much." "It does not matter," Lucy said, in her
semi-consciousness hearing her own voice like something in a dream. "Oh,
my dear, I am quite unhappy about you!" Lady Randolph cried. "If you are
thinking of what I told you, Lucy, perhaps it may not be true." There
was a bevy of people going away at that moment, and she had to shake
hands with them. She waited till they were gone and then turned, with a
laugh that frightened the old lady, towards her.
"You should have thought of that before," she said. Perhaps it might not
be true! Can heaven be veiled and the pillars of the earth pulled down
by a perhaps? The laugh sounded even to herself unnatural, and the elder
Lady Randolph was frightened by it, and stole away almost without
another word. When everybody was gone Sir Tom stood by her in the
deserted rooms, with all the lights blazing and the blue day coming in
through the curtains, as grave and as pale as she was. They did not look
like the exhausted yet happy entertainers of the (as yet) most
successful party of the season. Lucy could scarcely stand and could not
speak at all, and he seemed little more fit for those mutual
congratulations, even the "Thank heaven it is well over," with which the
master and the mistress of the house usually salute each other in such
circumstances. They stood at different ends of the room, and made no
remark. At last, "I suppose you are going to bed," Sir Tom said. He came
up to her in a preoccupied way. "I shall go and smoke a cigar first, and
it does not seem much good lighting a candle for you." They both looked
somewhat drearily at the daylight, now no longer blue, but rosy. Then
he laid his hand upon her shoulder. "You are dreadfully tired, Lucy, and
I think there has been something the matter with you these few days. I'd
ask you what it was, but I'm dead beat, and you are dreadfully tired
too." He stopped and kissed her forehead, and took her hand in his in a
sort of languid way. "Good-night; go to bed my poor little woman," he
said.
It is terrible to be wroth with those we love. Anger against them is
deadly to ourselves. It "works like madness in the brain;" it involves
heaven and earth in a gloom that nothing can lighten. But when that
anger being just, and such as we must not depart from, is crossed by
those unspeakable relentings, those quick revivals of love, those sudden
touches of tenderness that carry all before them, what anguish is equal
to those bitter sweetnesses? Lucy felt this as she stood there with her
husband's hand upon her shoulder, in utter fatigue, and broken down in
all her faculties. Through all those dark and bitter mists which rose
about her, his voice broke like a ray of light: her timid heart sprang
up in her bosom and went out to him with an _abandon_ which, but for the
extreme physical fatigue which produces a sort of apathy, must have
broken down everything. For a moment she swayed towards him as if she
would have thrown herself upon his breast.
When this movement comes to both the estranged persons, there follows a
clearing away of difficulties, a revolution of the heart, a
reconciliation when that is possible, and sometimes when it is not
possible. But it very seldom happens that this comes to both at the same
time. Sir Tom remained unmoved while his wife had that sudden access of
reawakened tenderness. He was scarcely aware even how far she had been
from him, and now was quite unaware how near. His mind was full of cares
and doubts, and an embarrassing situation which he could not see how to
manage. He was not even aware that she was moved beyond the common. He
took his hand from her shoulder, and without another word let her go
away.
Oh, those other words that are never spoken! They are counterbalanced in
the record of human misfortune by the many other words which are too
much, which should never have been spoken at all. Thus all explanation,
all ending of the desperate situation, was staved off for another night.
Lucy woke next morning in a kind of desperation. No new event had
happened, but she could not rest. She felt that she must do something or
die, and what could she do? She spent the early morning in the nursery,
and then went out. This time she was reasonable, not like that former
time when she went out to the city. She knew very well now that nothing
was to be gained by walking or by jolting in a disagreeable cab. On the
former occasion that had been something of a relief to her; but not now.
It is scarcely so bad when some out-of-the-way proceeding like this,
some strange thing to be done, gives the hurt and wounded spirit a
little relief. She had come to the further stage now when she knew that
nothing of the sort could give any relief; nothing but mere dull
endurance, going on, and no more. She drove to Mr. Chervil's office
quietly, as she might have gone anywhere, and thus, though it seems
strange to say so, betrayed a deeper despair than before. She took with
her a list of names with sums written opposite. There was enough there
put down to make away with a large fortune. This one so much, that one
so much. This too was an impulse of the despair in her mind. She was
carrying out her father's will in a lump. It meant no exercise of
discrimination, no careful choice of persons to be benefited, such as he
had intended, but only a hurried rush at a duty which she had neglected,
a desire to be done with it. Lucy was on the eve, she felt, of some
great change in her life. She could not tell what she might be able to
do after; whether she should live through it or bring her mind and
memory unimpaired through it, or think any longer of anything that had
once been her duty. She would get it done while she could. She was very
sensible that the money she had given to Bice was not in accordance with
what her father would have wished: neither were these perhaps. She could
not tell, she did not care. At least it would be done with, and could
not be done over again.
"Lady Randolph," said Mr. Chervil, in dismay, "have you any idea of the
sum you are--throwing away?"
"I have no idea of any sum," said Lucy, gently, "except just the money I
spend, so much in my purse. But you have taught me how to calculate, and
that so much would--make people comfortable. Is not that what you said?
Well, if it was not you, it was--I do not remember. When I first got the
charge of this into my hands----"
"Lady Randolph, you cannot surely think what you are doing. At the
worst," said the distressed trustee, "this was meant to be a fund
for--beneficence all your life: not to be squandered away, thousands and
thousands in a day----"
"Is it squandered when it gives comfort--perhaps even happiness? And
how do you know how long my life may last? It may be over--in a day----"
"You are ill," said the lawyer. "I thought so the moment I saw you. I
felt sure you were not up to business to-day."
"I don't think I am ill," said Lucy; "a little tired, for I was late
last night--did not you know we had a ball, a very pretty ball?" she
added, with a curious smile, half of gratification, half of mockery. "It
was a strange thing to have, perhaps, just--at this moment."
"A very natural thing," said Mr. Chervil. "I am glad to know it; you are
so young, Lady Randolph, pardon me for saying so."
"It was not for me," said Lucy; "it was for a young lady--my
husband's----"
Was she going out of her senses? What was she about to say?
"A relation?" said Mr. Chervil. "Perhaps the young lady for whom you
interested yourself so much in a more important way? They are fortunate,
Lady Randolph, who have you for a friend."
"Do you think so? I don't know that any one thinks so." She recovered
herself a little and pointed to the papers. "You will carry that out,
please. I may be going away. I am not quite sure of my movements. As
soon as you can you will carry this out."
"Going away--at the beginning of the season!"
"Oh, there is nothing settled; and besides you know life--life is very
insecure."
"At your age it is very seldom one thinks so," said the lawyer, at which
she smiled only, then rose up, and without any further remark went away.
He saw her to her carriage, not now with any recollection of the
pleasant show and the exhibition of so fine a client to the admiration
of his neighbours. He had a heart after all, and daughters of his own;
and he was troubled more than he could say. He stood bare-headed and saw
her drive away, with a look of anxiety upon his face. Was it the same
bee in her bonnet which old Trevor had shown so conspicuously? was it
eccentricity verging upon madness? He went back to his office and wrote
to Sir Tom, enclosing a copy of Lucy's list. "I must ask your advice in
the matter instead of offering you mine," he wrote. "Lady Randolph has a
right, of course, if she chooses to press matters to an extremity, but I
can't fancy that this is right."
Lucy went home still in the same strange excitement of mind. All had
been executed that was in her programme. She had gone through it without
flinching. The ball--that strange, frivolous-tragic effort of
despair--it was over, thank heaven! and Bice had got full justice in
her--was it in her--father's house? She could not have been introduced
to greater advantage, Lucy thought, with a certain forlorn, simple
pride, had she been Sir Tom's acknowledged daughter. Oh, not to so much
advantage! for the Contessa, her guardian, her----was far more skilful
than Lucy ever could have been. Bice had got her triumph; nothing had
been neglected. And the other business was in train--the disposing of
the money. She had made her wishes fully known, and even taken great
trouble, calculating and transcribing to prevent any possibility of a
mistake. And now, now the moment had come, the crisis of life when she
must tell her husband what she had heard, and say to him that this
existence could not go on any longer. A man could not have two lives.
She did not mean to upbraid him. What good would it do to upbraid? none,
none at all; that would not make things as they were again, or return
to her him whom she had lost. She had not a word to say to him, except
that it was impossible--that it could not go on any more.
To think that she should have this to say to him made everything dark
about her as Lucy went home. She felt as if the world must come to an
end to-night. All was straightforward, now that the need of
self-restraint was over. She contemplated no delay or withdrawal from
her position. She went in to accomplish this dark and miserable
necessity like a martyr going to the cross. She would go and see baby
first, who was his boy as well as hers. Sir Tom no doubt would be in his
library, and would come out for luncheon after a while, but not until
she had spoken. But first she would go, just for a little needful
strength, and kiss her boy.
Fletcher met her at the head of the stairs.
"Oh, if you please, my lady--not to hurry you or frighten you--but nurse
says please would you step in and look at baby."
Suddenly, in a moment, Lucy's whole being changed. She forgot
everything. Her languor disappeared and her fatigue. She sprang up to
where the woman was standing. "What is it? is he ill? Is it the old----"
She hurried along towards the nursery as she spoke.
"No, my lady, nothing he has had before; but nurse thinks he looks--oh,
my lady, there will be nothing to be frightened about--we have sent for
the doctor."
Lucy was in the room where little Tom was, before Fletcher had finished
what she was saying. The child was seated on his nurse's knee. His eyes
were heavy, yet blazing with fever. He was plucking with his little hot
hands at the woman's dress, flinging himself about her, from one arm,
from one side to the other. When he saw his mother he stretched out
towards her. Just eighteen months old; not able to express a thought;
not much, you will say, perhaps, to change to a woman the aspect of
heaven and earth. She took him into her arms without a word, and laid
her cheek--which was so cool, fresh with the morning air, though her
heart was so fevered and sick--against the little cheek, which burned
and glowed. "What is it? Can you tell what it is?" she said in a whisper
of awe. Was it God Himself who had stepped in--who had come to
interfere?
Then the baby began to wail with that cry of inarticulate suffering
which is the most pitiful of all the utterances of humanity. He could
not tell what ailed him. He looked with his great dazed eyes pitifully
from one to another as if asking them to help him.
"It is the fever, my lady," said the nurse. "We have sent for the
doctor. It may not be a bad attack."
Lucy sat down, her limbs failing her, her heart failing her still more,
her bonnet and out-door dress cumbering her movements, the child tossing
and restless in her arms. This was not the form his ailments had ever
taken before. "Do you know what is to be done? Tell me what to do for
him," she said.
There was a kind of hush over all the house. The servants would not
admit that anything was wrong until their mistress should come home. As
soon as she was in the nursery and fully aware of the state of affairs,
they left off their precautions. The maids appeared on the staircases
clandestinely as they ought not to have done. Mrs. Freshwater herself
abandoned her cosy closet, and declared in an impressive voice that no
bell must be rung for luncheon--nor anything done that could possibly
disturb the blessed baby, she said as she gave the order. And Williams
desired to know what was preparing for Mr. Randolph's dinner, and
announced his intention of taking it up himself. The other meal, the
lunch, in the dining-room, was of no importance to any one. If he could
take his beef-tea it would do him good, they all said.
It seemed as if a long time passed before the doctor came; from Sir Tom
to the youngest kitchen-wench, the scullery-maid, all were in suspense.
There was but one breath, long drawn and stifled, when he came into the
house. He was a long time in the nursery, and when he came out he went
on talking to those who accompanied him. "You had better shut off this
part of the house altogether," he was saying, "hang a sheet over this
doorway, and let it be always kept wet. I will send in a person I can
rely upon to take the night. You must not let Lady Randolph sit up." He
repeated the same caution to Sir Tom, who came out with a bewildered air
to hear what he had said. Sir Tom was the only one who had taken no
fright. "Highly infectious," the Doctor said. "I advise you to send away
every one who is not wanted. If Lady Randolph could be kept out of the
room so much the better, but I don't suppose that is possible; anyhow,
don't let her sit up. She is just in the condition to take it. It would
be better if you did not go near the child yourself; but, of course, I
understand how difficult that is. Parents are a nuisance in such cases,"
the Doctor said, with a smile which Sir Tom thought heartless, though it
was intended to cheer him. "It is far better to give the little patient
over to scientific unemotional care."
"But you don't mean to say that there is danger, Doctor," cried Sir Tom.
"Why, the little beggar was as jolly as possible only this morning."
"Oh, we'll pull him through, we'll pull him through," the good-natured
Doctor said. He preferred to talk all the time, not to be asked
questions, for what could he say? Nurse looked very awful as she went
upstairs, charged with private information almost too important for any
woman to contain. She stopped at the head of the stairs to whisper to
Fletcher, shaking her head the while, and Fletcher, too, shook her head
and whispered to Mrs. Freshwater that the doctor had a very bad opinion
of the case. Poor little Tom had got to be "the case" all in a moment.
And "no constitution" they said to each other under their breath.
Thus the door closed upon Lucy and all her trouble. She forgot it clean,
as if it never had existed. Everything in the world in one moment became
utterly unimportant to her, except the fever in those heavy eyes. She
reflected dimly, with an awful sense of having forestalled fate, that
she had made a pretence that he was ill to shield herself that night,
the first night after their arrival. She had said he was ill when all
was well. And lo! sudden punishment scathing and terrible had come to
her out of the angry skies.