For at least half a minute I fumbled at the door in the dark, feeling
for the handle; then I slowly opened it and walked into the
drawing-room. Zinaida Fyodorovna was lying on the couch, and raising
herself on her elbow, she looked towards me. Unable to bring myself to
speak, I walked slowly by, and she followed me with her eyes. I stood
for a little time in the dining-room and then walked by her again, and
she looked at me intently and with perplexity, even with alarm. At last
I stood still and said with an effort:
"He is not coming back."
She quickly got on to her feet, and looked at me without understanding.
"He is not coming back," I repeated, and my heart beat violently. "He
will not come back, for he has not left Petersburg. He is staying at
Pekarsky's."
She understood and believed me--I saw that from her sudden pallor, and
from the way she laid her arms upon her bosom in terror and entreaty. In
one instant all that had happened of late flashed through her mind; she
reflected, and with pitiless clarity she saw the whole truth. But at the
same time she remembered that I was a flunkey, a being of a lower
order.... A casual stranger, with hair ruffled, with face flushed with
fever, perhaps drunk, in a common overcoat, was coarsely intruding into
her intimate life, and that offended her. She said to me sternly:
"It's not your business: go away."
"Oh, believe me!" I cried impetuously, holding out my hands to her. "I
am not a footman; I am as free as you."
I mentioned my name, and, speaking very rapidly that she might not
interrupt me or go away, explained to her who I was and why I was living
there. This new discovery struck her more than the first. Till then she
had hoped that her footman had lied or made a mistake or been silly, but
now after my confession she had no doubts left. From the expression of
her unhappy eyes and face, which suddenly lost its softness and beauty
and looked old, I saw that she was insufferably miserable, and that the
conversation would lead to no good; but I went on impetuously:
"The senator and the tour of inspection were invented to deceive you. In
January, just as now, he did not go away, but stayed at Pekarsky's, and
I saw him every day and took part in the deception. He was weary of you,
he hated your presence here, he mocked at you.... If you could have
heard how he and his friends here jeered at you and your love, you would
not have remained here one minute! Go away from here! Go away."
"Well," she said in a shaking voice, and moved her hand over her hair.
"Well, so be it."
Her eyes were full of tears, her lips were quivering, and her whole face
was strikingly pale and distorted with anger. Orlov's coarse, petty
lying revolted her and seemed to her contemptible, ridiculous: she
smiled and I did not like that smile.
"Well," she repeated, passing her hand over her hair again, "so be it.
He imagines that I shall die of humiliation, and instead of that I am
... amused by it. There's no need for him to hide." She walked away from
the piano and said, shrugging her shoulders: "There's no need.... It
would have been simpler to have it out with me instead of keeping in
hiding in other people's flats. I have eyes; I saw it myself long
ago.... I was only waiting for him to come back to have things out once
for all."
Then she sat down on a low chair by the table, and, leaning her head on
the arm of the sofa, wept bitterly. In the drawing-room there was only
one candle burning in the candelabra, and the chair where she was
sitting was in darkness; but I saw how her head and shoulders were
quivering, and how her hair, escaping from her combs, covered her neck,
her face, her arms.... Her quiet, steady weeping, which was not
hysterical but a woman's ordinary weeping, expressed a sense of insult,
of wounded pride, of injury, and of something helpless, hopeless, which
one could not set right and to which one could not get used. Her tears
stirred an echo in my troubled and suffering heart; I forgot my illness
and everything else in the world; I walked about the drawing-room and
muttered distractedly:
"Is this life?... Oh, one can't go on living like this, one can't....
Oh, it's madness, wickedness, not life."
"What humiliation!" she said through her tears. "To live together, to
smile at me at the very time when I was burdensome to him, ridiculous in
his eyes! Oh, how humiliating!"
She lifted up her head, and looking at me with tear-stained eyes through
her hair, wet with her tears, and pushing it back as it prevented her
seeing me, she asked:
"They laughed at me?"
"To these men you were laughable--you and your love and Turgenev; they
said your head was full of him. And if we both die at once in despair,
that will amuse them, too; they will make a funny anecdote of it and
tell it at your requiem service. But why talk of them?" I said
impatiently. "We must get away from here--I cannot stay here one minute
longer."
She began crying again, while I walked to the piano and sat down.
"What are we waiting for?" I asked dejectedly. "It's two o'clock."
"I am not waiting for anything," she said. "I am utterly lost."
"Why do you talk like that? We had better consider together what we are
to do. Neither you nor I can stay here. Where do you intend to go?"
Suddenly there was a ring at the bell. My heart stood still. Could it be
Orlov, to whom perhaps Kukushkin had complained of me? How should we
meet? I went to open the door. It was Polya. She came in shaking the
snow off her pelisse, and went into her room without saying a word to
me. When I went back to the drawing-room, Zinaida Fyodorovna, pale as
death, was standing in the middle of the room, looking towards me with
big eyes.
"Who was it?" she asked softly.
"Polya," I answered.
She passed her hand over her hair and closed her eyes wearily.
"I will go away at once," she said. "Will you be kind and take me to the
Petersburg Side? What time is it now?"
"A quarter to three."