AN ARRIVAL
It was the portrait of a young girl,--a very sweet face with soft,
half-timid looking eyes.
[Illustration: It was the portrait of a young girl.--P. 139.]
'I wonder who it is,' I thought to myself, 'I wonder if it is Mrs.
Vandeleur. If it is, she must be nice. I almost think I should like her
very much.'
A door in this room led into a dressing-room, which next caught my
attention. Here, too, the only thing that struck me was a portrait. This
time, a photograph only, of a boy. Such a nice, open face! For a moment
or two I thought it must be Cousin Cosmo, but looking more closely I saw
written in one corner the name 'Paul' and the date 'July 1865.' I caught
my breath, as I said to myself--
'It must be papa! I wonder if granny knows--she has none of him as young
as that, I am sure. Oh, dear, how I do wish he was alive!'
But it was with a softened feeling towards both of my unknown cousins
that I stepped out on to the landing again.
It did seem as if Mr. Vandeleur must have been very fond of my father
for him to have kept this photograph all these years, hanging up where
he must see it every time he came into his room.
Unluckily, just as I was thinking this, Belinda made her appearance
through a door leading on to the backstairs.
'What are you doing here, miss?' she said. 'I don't think Hales would be
best pleased to find you wandering about through these rooms.'
'I don't know what you mean,' I said, frightened, yet indignant too. 'I
was only looking at the pictures. In grandmamma's house at home I go
into any room I like.'
She gave a little laugh.
'Oh, but you see, miss, you are not at your own home now,' she said,
'that makes all the difference,' and she passed on, closing the door I
had left open, as if to say, 'you can't go in there again!'
I made my way up to my own room, all the doleful feelings coming back.
'Really,' I said, as I curled myself up at the foot of the bed, 'there
seems no place for me in the world, it's "move on--move on," like the
poor boy in the play grandmamma once told me about.'
And I sat there in the cold, nursing my bitter and discontented
thoughts, as if I had nothing to be grateful or thankful for in life.
Grandmamma did not come up to look for me, as in my secret heart I think
I hoped she would. She was very, very busy, busier than I could have
understood if she had told me about it, for though he did not at all
mean to put too much upon her, Mr. Vandeleur had such faith in her good
sense and judgment, that he had left everything to be settled by her
when we came.
I do not know if I fell asleep; I think I must have dozed a little, for
the next thing I remember is rousing up, and feeling myself stiff and
cramped, and not long after that the gong sounded again. I got down from
my bed and looked at myself in the glass; my face seemed very pinched
and miserable. I made my hair neat and washed my hands, for I would not
have dared to go downstairs untidy to the dining-room. But I was not at
all sorry when grandmamma looked at me anxiously, exclaiming--
'My dear child, how white you are! Where have you been, and what have
you been doing with yourself?'
'I've been up in my own room,' I said, and just then grandmamma said
nothing more, but when we were alone again she spoke to me seriously
about the foolishness of risking making myself ill for no reason.
'There _is_ reason,' I said crossly, 'at least there's no reason why I
shouldn't be ill; nobody cares how I am.'
For all answer grandmamma drew me to her and kissed me.
'My poor, silly, little Helena,' she said.
I was touched and ashamed, but irritated also; grandmamma understood me
better than I understood myself.
'We are going out now,' she said, 'put on your things as quickly as you
can. I have several shops to go to, and the afternoons close in very
early in London just now.'
That walk with grandmamma--at least it was only partly a walk, for she
took a hansom to the first shop she had to go to,--and I had never been
in a hansom before, so you can fancy how I enjoyed it--yes, that first
afternoon in London stands out very happily. Once I had grandmamma quite
to myself everything seemed to come right, and I could almost have
skipped along the street in my pleasure and excitement. The shops were
already beginning to look gay in anticipation of Christmas, to
me--country child that I was, they were bewilderingly magnificent.
Grandmamma was careful not to let me get too tired, we drove home again
in another hansom, carrying some of our purchases with us. These were
mostly things for the house, and a few for ourselves, and shopping was
so new to me, that I took the greatest interest even in ordering brushes
for the housemaid, or choosing a new afternoon tea-service for Cousin
Agnes.
That evening, too, passed much better than the morning. Grandmamma spoke
to me about how things were likely to be and what I myself should try to
do.
'I cannot fix anything about lessons for you,' she said, 'till after
Cosmo and Agnes return, for I do not know how much time I shall have
free for you. But you are well on for your age, and I don't think a few
weeks without regular lessons will do you any harm, especially here in
London, where there is so much new and interesting. But I think you had
better make a plan for yourself--I will help you with it--for doing
something every morning while I am busy.'
'But I may be with you in the afternoons, mayn't I?' I said.
'Of course, at least generally,' said grandmamma, 'whenever the weather
is fine enough I will take you out. It would never do to shut you up
when you have been so accustomed to the open air. Some days, perhaps, we
may go out in the mornings. All I want you to understand now, is that
plans cannot possibly be settled all at once. You must be patient and
cheerful, and if there are things that you don't like just now, in a
little while they will probably disappear.'
I felt pleased at grandmamma talking to me more in her old consulting
way, and for the time it seemed as if I could do as she wished without
difficulty.
And for some days and even weeks things went on pretty well. I used to
get cross now and then when grandmamma could not be with me as much as I
wanted, but so far, there was no _person_ to come between her and me, it
was only her having so much to do; and whenever we were together she was
so sweet and understanding in every way, that it made up for the lonely
hours I sometimes had to spend.
But in myself I am afraid there was not really any improvement, it was
only on the surface. There was still the selfishness underneath, the
readiness to take offence and be jealous of anything that seemed to put
me out of my place as first with grandmamma. All the unhappy feelings
were there, smouldering, ready to burst out into fire the moment
anything stirred them up.
Christmas came and went. It was very unlike any of the Christmases I had
ever known, and of course it could not but seem rather lonely.
Grandmamma still had some old friends in London, but she had not tried
to see them, as she had been so busy, and not knowing as yet when Cousin
Agnes would be returning. It seemed a sort of waiting time altogether.
Now and then grandmamma would allude cheerfully to Cousin Cosmo and his
wife coming home, hoping that it would be soon, as every letter brought
better accounts of Mrs. Vandeleur's health. I certainly did not share in
these hopes, I would rather have gone on living for ever as we were if
only I could have had grandmamma to myself.
I think it was about the 8th of January that there came one morning a
letter which made grandmamma look very grave, and when she had finished
reading it she sat for a moment or two without speaking. Then she said,
as if thinking aloud--
'Dear me, this is very disappointing.'
'Is anything the matter?' I asked. 'Can't you tell me what it is,
grandmamma?'
'Oh yes, dear,' she said, 'it is only what I have been looking forward
to so much--but it has come in such a different way. Your cousins are
returning almost immediately, but only, I am sorry to say, because poor
Agnes is so ill that the London doctor says she must be near him. They
are bringing her up in an invalid carriage the first mild day, so I must
have everything ready for them. It will probably be many weeks before
she can leave her room,' and poor grandmamma sighed.
This news was far from welcome to me, but I am afraid what I cared for
had only to do with myself. I didn't feel very sorry for poor Cousin
Agnes. Partly, perhaps, because I was too young to understand how
seriously ill she was, but chiefly, I am afraid, because I immediately
began to think how much of grandmamma's time would be taken up by her,
and how dull it would be for me in consequence. And when grandmamma
turned to me and said--
'I'm sure I shall find you a help and comfort, Helena,' it almost
startled me.
I murmured something about wishing there was anything I could do, and I
did feel ashamed.
'I'm afraid there will not be much for you actually to do,' said
grandmamma, 'and I don't think you need warning to be very quiet in a
house with an invalid. You are never noisy,' and she smiled a little;
'but you must try to be bright and not to mind if for a little while you
have to be left a good deal to yourself. I must speak to Hales about
going out with you sometimes, for you must have a walk every day.'
And within a week of receiving this bad news there came one morning a
telegram to say that Mr. and Mrs. Vandeleur would be arriving that
afternoon.
'Oh, dear, dear,' I thought to myself when I heard it. 'I wish I
were--oh, anywhere except here!'
I spent the hours till luncheon--which was of course my dinner--as
usual, doing some lessons and needlework. Hitherto, grandmamma had
corrected my lessons in the evening.
'I don't believe she'll have time to look over my exercises now,' I
thought to myself, 'but I suppose I must go on doing them all the
same.'
I have forgotten to say that I did my lessons at a side table in the
dining-room, where there was always a large fire burning. It did not
seem worth while to have another room given up to me while grandmamma
and I were alone in the house.
I did not see grandmamma till luncheon, and then she told me that she
was obliged to go out immediately to some distance, as Mrs. Vandeleur's
invalid couch or table, I forget which, was not the kind ordered.
'But mayn't I come with you?' I asked.
Grandmamma shook her head. No, she was in a great hurry, and the place
she was going to was in the city, it would do me no good, and it was a
damp, foggy day. I might go into the Square garden for a little if I
would promise to come in at once if it rained.
There was nothing very inviting in this prospect. I liked the Square
gardens well enough to walk up and down in with grandmamma, but alone
was a very different matter. Still, it was better than staying in all
the afternoon. And I spent an hour or more in pacing along the paths
enjoying my self-pity to the full.
There were a few other children playing together; how I envied them!
'If I had even a little dog,' I said to myself, 'it would be something.
But of course there's no chance of that--he would disturb Cousin Agnes.'
I went back to the house an hour or so before the expected arrival.
Grandmamma had already returned. She was in her own room, I peeped in on
my way upstairs.
'What do you want me to do, grandmamma?' I said.
She glanced at me.
'Change your frock, dear, and come down to the library with your work.
Of course Cosmo will want to see you, once Cousin Agnes is settled in
her room. Dear me, I do hope she will have stood the journey pretty
well!'
I came downstairs again with mixed feelings. I should rather have
enjoyed making a martyr of myself by staying up in my own room. But, on
the other hand, I had a good deal of curiosity on the subject of my
unknown cousins.
'I wonder if Cousin Agnes will be able to walk,' I thought to myself,
'or if they will carry her in. I should like to see what an invalid
carriage is like!'
I think I pictured to myself a sort of palanquin, and eager to be on the
spot at the moment of the arrival I changed my frock very quickly and
hastened downstairs with my knitting in my hand--a model of propriety.
'Do I look nice, grandmamma?' I asked. 'It is the first time I have had
this frock on, you know.'
For besides the new clothes grandmamma had ordered from Windy Gap, she
had got me some very nice ones since we came to London. And this new one
I thought the prettiest of all. It was brown velveteen with a falling
collar of lace, with which I was especially pleased, for though my
clothes had been always very neatly made, they had been very plain, the
last two or three years more especially. So I stood there pleasantly
expecting grandmamma's approval. But she scarcely glanced at me, I doubt
if she heard what I said, for she was busy writing a note about
something or other which had been forgotten, and almost as I spoke the
footman came into the room to take it.
'What were you saying, my dear?' she said quickly. 'Oh yes, very
nice---- Be sure, William, that this is sent at once.'
I crossed the room and sat down in the farthest corner, my heart
swelling. It was not _all_ spoilt temper, I was really terribly afraid
that grandmamma was beginning to care less for me. But before there had
been time for her to notice my disappointment, there came the sound of
wheels stopping at the door, and then the bell rang loudly. Grandmamma
started up. If I had been less taken up with myself, I could easily have
entered into her feelings. It was the first time for more than twelve
years that she had seen her nephew, and think of all that had happened
to her since then! But none of these thoughts came into my mind just
then, it was quite filled with myself and my own troubles, and but for
my curiosity I think I would have hidden myself behind the
window-curtains.
Grandmamma went out into the hall and I followed her. The door was
already opened, as the servants had been on the look-out.
The first thing I saw was a tall, slight figure coming very slowly up
the steps on the arm of a dark, grave-looking man. Behind them came a
maid laden with shawls and cushions. They came quietly into the hall,
grandmamma moving forward a little to meet them, though without
speaking.
A smile came over Cousin Agnes's pale face as she caught sight of her,
but Mr. Vandeleur looked up almost sharply.
'Wait till we get her into the library,' he said.
Evidently coming up those few steps had almost been too much for his
wife, for I saw her face grow still paler. I was watching with such
interest that I quite forgot that where I stood I was partially blocking
up the doorway. Without noticing who I was, so completely absorbed was
he with Cousin Agnes, Mr. Vandeleur stretched out his hand and half put
me aside.
'Take care,' he said quickly, and before there was time for
more--'Helena, do get out of the way,' said grandmamma.
That was the last straw for me. I did get out of the way. I turned and
rushed across the hall, and upstairs to my own room without a word.