TWO LETTERS
It was only a bad cold. Except for having to stay in the house, I would
not have minded it very much, for after the first few days, when I was
feverish and miserable, I did not feel very bad. And like a child, I
thought every day that I should be all right the next.
I daresay I should have got over it much quicker if the weather had not
been so severe. But it was really awfully cold. Even my own sense told
me it would be mad to think of going out. So I got fidgety and
discontented, and made myself look worse than I really was.
And for the very first time in my life there seemed to come a little
cloud, a little coldness, between dear grandmamma and me. Speaking about
it since then, _she_ says it was not all my fault, but _I_ think it was.
I was selfish and thoughtless. She was dull and low-spirited, and I had
never seen her like that before. And I did not know all the reasons
there were for her being so, and I felt a kind of irritation at it. Even
when she tried, as she often and often did, to throw it off and cheer me
up in some little way by telling me stories, or proposing some new game,
or new fancy-work, I would not meet her half-way, but would answer
pettishly that I was tired of all those things. And I was vexed at
several little changes in our way of living. All that winter we sat in
the dining-room, and never had a fire in the drawing-room, and our food
was plainer than I ever remembered it. Granny used to have special
things for me--beef-tea and beaten-up eggs and port-wine--but I hated
having them all alone and seeing her eating scarcely anything.
'I don't want these messy things as if I was really ill,' I said. 'Why
don't we have nice little dinners and teas as we used?'
Grandmamma never answered these questions plainly; she would make some
little excuse about not feeling hungry in frosty weather, or that the
tradespeople did not like sending often. But once or twice I caught her
looking at me when she did not know I saw her, and then there was
something in her eyes which made me think I was a horridly selfish
child. And yet I did not _mean_ to be. I really did not understand, and
it was rather trying to be cooped up for so long, in a room scarcely
bigger than a cupboard, after my free open life of the last three years
or so.
Dr. Cobbe came once or twice at the beginning of my cold and looked
rather grave. Then he did not come again for two or three weeks--I think
he had told grandmamma to let him know if I got worse.
And one day when I had really made myself feverish by my fidgety
grumbling, and then being sorry and crying, which brought on a fit of
coughing, grandmamma got so unhappy that she tucked me up on the sofa by
the fire, and went off herself, though it was late in the afternoon, to
fetch him herself. She would not let Kezia go because she wanted to
speak to him alone; I did not know it at the time, but I remember waking
up and hearing voices near me, and there were the doctor and grandmamma.
She was in her indoors dress just as usual, for me not to guess she had
been out.
I sat up, feeling much the better for my sleep. Dr. Cobbe laughed and
joked--that was his way--he listened to my breathing and pommelled me
and told me I was a little humbug. Then he went off into Kezia's
kitchen, where there _had_ to be a tiny fire, with grandmamma, and a few
minutes later I heard him saying good-bye.
Grandmamma came back to me looking happier than for some time past. The
doctor, she has told me since, really did assure her that there was
nothing serious the matter with me, that I was a growing child and must
be well fed and kept cheerful, as I was inclined to be nervous and was
not exactly robust.
And the relief to grandmamma was great. That evening she was more like
her old self than she had been for long, even though I daresay she was
awake half the night thinking over the doctor's advice, and wondering
what more she _could_ do to get enough money to give me all I needed.
For some of her money-matters had gone wrong. That I did not know till
long afterwards. It was just about the time of Mr. Nestor's illness, and
it was not till the Moor Court family had left that she found out the
worst of it--that for two or three years _at least_ we should be thirty
or forty pounds a year poorer than we had been.
It _was_ hard on her--coming at the very same time as the extra money
for the lessons left off! And the severe winter and my cold all added to
it. It even made it more difficult for her to hear of other pupils, or
to get any orders for her beautiful fancy-work. No visitors would come
to Middlemoor _this_ winter, though when it was mild they sometimes did.
Still, from the day of Dr. Cobbe's visit things improved a little--for
the time at least. And in the end it was a good thing that grandmamma
was not tempted to try her eyes with any embroidery again, as she really
might have made herself blind. It had been such a blessing that she did
not need to do it during the years she gave lessons to Sharley and her
sisters.
I went on getting better pretty steadily, especially once I was allowed
to go out a little, though, as it was a very cold spring, it was only
for some time _very_ little, just an hour or so in the best part of the
day. And grandmamma followed Dr. Cobbe's advice, though I never shall
understand how she managed to do so. She was so determined to be
cheerful that when I look back upon it now it almost makes me cry. I had
all the nourishing things to eat that it was possible to get, and how
thoughtless and ungrateful I was! My appetite was not very good, and I
remember actually grumbling at having to take beef-tea, and beaten-up
eggs, and things like that at odd times. I scarcely like to say it, but
in my heart I do not believe grandmamma had enough to eat that winter.
About Easter--or rather at the time for the big school Easter holidays,
which does not always match real Easter--we had a pleasant surprise. At
least it was a pleasant surprise for grandmamma--I don't know that I
cared about it particularly, and I certainly little thought what would
come of it!
One afternoon Gerard Nestor walked in.
Granny's face quite lighted up, and for a moment or two I felt very
excited.
'Have you all come home?' I exclaimed. 'I haven't had a letter from
Sharley for ever so long--perhaps--perhaps she meant to surprise me,' I
had been going to say, but something in Jerry's face stopped me. He
looked rather grave; not that he was ever anything but quiet.
'No,' he said, 'I only wish they _were_ all back, or likely to come. I'm
afraid there's no chance of it. The doctors out there won't hear of it
this year at all. Just when father was hoping to arrange for coming back
soon, they found out something or other unsatisfactory about him, and
now it is settled that he must stay out of England another whole year at
least. They are speaking of Algeria or Egypt for next winter.'
My face fell. I was on the point of crying. Gerard looked very
sympathising.
'I did not myself mind it so much till I came down here,' he said. 'But
it is so lonely and dull at Moor Court. I hope you will let me come here
a great deal, Mrs. Wingfield. I mean to work hard at my foreign
languages these holidays--it will give me something to do. You see it
wasn't worth while my going out to Hyères for only three weeks, and I
hoped even they might be coming back. So I asked to come down here. I
didn't think it could be so dull.'
'You are all alone at home?' said grandmamma. 'Yes, it must be very
lonely. I shall be delighted to read with you as much as you like. I am
not very busy.'
'Thank you,' said Gerard. 'Well, I only hope you won't have too much of
me. May I stay to tea to-day?'
'Certainly,' said grandmamma. But I noticed--I don't think Gerard
did--that her face had grown rather anxious-looking as he spoke. 'If
you like,' she went on, 'we can glance over your books, some of them are
still here, and settle on a little work at once.'
'All right,' said he. But then he added, rather abruptly, 'You are not
looking well, Mrs. Wingfield? I think you have got thinner. And Helena
looks rather white, though she has not grown much.'
I felt vexed at his saying I had not grown much.
'It's no wonder I am white,' I said in a surly tone. 'I have been mewed
up in the house almost ever since Sharley and all of them went away.'
And then grandmamma explained about my having been ill.
'I'm very sorry,' said Jerry, 'but you look worse than Helena, Mrs.
Wingfield.'
I felt crosser and crosser. I fancied he meant to reproach me with
grandmamma's looking ill, even though it made me uneasy too. I glanced
at her--a faint pink flush had come over her face at his words.
'_I_ don't think granny looks ill at all,' I said.
'No, indeed, I am very well,' she said, with a smile.
Gerard said no more, but I know he thought me a selfish spoilt child.
And from that moment he set himself to watch grandmamma and to find out
if anything was really the matter.
He _did_ find out, and that pretty quickly, I fancy, that we were much
poorer. But it was very difficult for him to do anything to help
grandmamma. She was so dignified, and in some ways reserved. She got a
letter from Mrs. Nestor a few days later, thanking her for reading with
Jerry again, and saying that of course the lessons must be arranged
about as before. And it vexed her a very little. (She has told me about
it since.) Perhaps she was feeling unusually sensitive and depressed
just then. But however that may have been, she wrote a letter to Mrs.
Nestor, which made her really _afraid_ of offering to pay. It was not as
if there was time for a good many lessons, granny wrote--would not Mrs.
Nestor let her render this very small service as a friend?
And Jerry did not know what he _could_ do. It was not the season for
game, except rabbits--and he did send rabbits two or three times--and I
know now that he scarcely dared to stay to tea, or _not_ to stay, for if
he refused granny seemed hurt.
On the whole, nice as he was, it was almost a relief when he went away
back to school.
Still things were not so bad as in winter. I was really all right
again, and a little money come in to grandmamma about May or June that
she had not dared to hope for. We got on pretty well that summer.
None of the Nestors came to Moor Court at all. Gerard joined them for
the long holidays in Switzerland. Mrs. Nestor wrote now and then to
granny, and Sharley to me, but of course there was not the least hint of
what Gerard had told them. I think they believed and hoped he had
exaggerated it--he was the sort of boy to fancy things worse than they
were if he cared about people, I think.
And so it got on to be the early autumn again. I think it was about the
middle of September when the first beginning of the great change in our
lives came.
It was cold already, and the weather prophets were talking of another
severe winter. Grandmamma watched the signs of it anxiously. She kept
comparing it with the same time last year till I got quite tired of the
subject.
'Really, grandmamma,' I said one morning, 'what does it matter? If it is
very cold we must have big fires and keep ourselves warm. And one thing
I know--I am not going to be shut up again like last winter. I am going
to get skates and have some fun as soon as ever the frost comes.'
I said it half jokingly, but still I was ready to be cross too. I had
not improved in some ways since I was ill. I was less thoughtful for
grandmamma and quite annoyed if she did not do exactly what I wanted, or
if she seemed interested in anything but me. In short, I was very
spoilt.
She did not answer me about the skates, for at that moment Kezia brought
in the letters. It was not by any means every morning that we got any,
and it was always rather an excitement when we saw the postman turning
up our path.
That morning there were two letters. One was for me from Sharley. I knew
at once it was from her by the foreign stamp and the thin paper
envelope, even before I looked at the writing. I was so pleased that I
rushed off with it to my favourite window-seat, without noticing
grandmamma, who had quietly taken her own letter from the little tray
Kezia handed it to her on and was examining it in a half-puzzled way. I
remembered afterwards catching a glimpse of the expression on her face,
but at the moment I gave no thought to it.
There was nothing _very_ particular in Sharley's letter. It was very
affectionate--full of longings to be coming home again, even though she
allowed that their present life was very bright and interesting. I was
just laughing at a description of Pert and Quick going to market on
their own account, and how they bargained with the old peasant women,
when a slight sound--_was_ it a sound or only a sort of feeling in the
air?--made me look up from the open sheet before me, and glance over at
grandmamma.
For a moment I felt quite frightened. She was leaning back in her chair,
looking very white, and I could almost have thought she was fainting,
except that her lips were moving as if she were speaking softly to
herself.
I flew across the room to her.
'Granny,' I said, '_dear_ granny, what is it? Are you ill--is anything
the matter?'
Just at first, I think, I forgot about the letter lying on her lap--but
before she spoke she touched it with her fingers.
'I am only a little startled, dear child,' she said, 'startled and----'
I could not catch the other word she said, she spoke it so softly, but I
think it was 'thankful.' 'No, there is nothing wrong, but you will
understand my feeling rather upset when I tell you that this letter is
from Cosmo--you know whom I mean, Helena, Cosmo Vandeleur, my nephew,
who has not written to me all these years.'
At once I was full of interest, not unmixed--and I think it was
natural--with some indignation.
'So he is alive and well, I suppose?' I said, rather bitterly. 'Well,
granny, I hope you will not trouble about him any more. He must be a
horrid man, after all your kindness to him when he was a boy, never to
have written or seemed to care if you were alive or dead.'
'No, dear,' said grandmamma, whose colour was returning, though her
voice still sounded weak and tremulous--'no, dear. You must not think of
him in that way. Careless he has certainly been, but he has not lost his
affection for me. I will explain it all to you soon, but I must think it
over first. I feel still so upset, I can scarcely take it in.'
She stopped, and her breath seemed to come in gasps. I was not a stupid
child, and I had plenty of common sense.
'Granny, dear,' I said, 'don't try to talk any more just now. I will
call Kezia, and she must give you some water, or tea, or something. And
I won't call Mr. Vandeleur horrid if it vexes you.'
Kezia knew how to take care of grandmamma, though it was very, very
seldom she was ever faint or nervous or anything of that kind.
And something told me that the best _I_ could do was to leave dear
granny alone for a little with the faithful servant who had shared her
joys and sorrows for so long.
So I took my own letter--Sharley's letter I mean, and ran upstairs to
fetch my hat and jacket.
'I'm going out for a little, grandmamma,' I said, putting my head in
again for half a second at the drawing-room door as I passed. 'It isn't
cold this morning, and I've got a long letter from Sharley to read over
and over again.'
'Take care of yourself, darling,' said granny, and as I shut the door I
heard her say to Kezia, 'dear child--she has such tact and
thoughtfulness for her age. It is for her I am so thankful, Kezia.'
I was pleased to be praised. I have always loved praise--too much, I am
afraid. But my conscience told me I had _not_ been thoughtful for
grandmamma lately, not as thoughtful as I might have been certainly.
This feeling troubled me on one side, and on the other I was dying with
curiosity to know what it was granny was thankful about. The mere fact
of a letter having come from that 'horrid, selfish, ungrateful man,' as
I still called him to myself, though I would not speak of him so to
grandmamma, could not be anything to be so thankful about--at least not
to be thankful for _me_. What could it be? What had he written to say?
I am afraid that Sharley's letter scarcely had justice done to it the
second time I read it through--between every line would come up the
thought of what grandmamma had said, and the wondering what she could
mean. And besides that, the uncomfortable feeling that I was not as good
as she thought me--that I did not deserve all the love and anxiety she
lavished on me.